Super complicated father issue

kxp004

Okay.. so I have a seriously messed up family.. My parents got divorced when i was little and then of my parents remarried - which brings in my step-parents... Neither couple gets along with the other! My mom and dad can hardly be in the same room together! When I was little, my father taught me to believe that my step dad was a jerk and only wanted to take his place, and being little I believed him, but now I'm old enough to make my own decisions... and have found that it was quite the opposite. My bio father wants to walk me down the aisle, sit at an honorary table, and do the father daughter dance, but doesn't want to pay for anything-claiming that he paid enough child support which he says "should have covered ALL of my college and my wedding if my mom distributed it right".... my stepdad and FIL are paying for our wedding. My bio dad doesn't even support me getting married! He is emotionally abusive and when we have issues, he makes sure the entire world knows that it a) wasn't his fault and b) I'm the most unappreciative daughter in the world and don't love anyone.
 
I really don't want to invite my father or stepmother to the wedding, but if I don't, my younger brother and sister won't be able to come, and it's already bad enough that they can't be IN the wedding. I really want them to be there, but there is no one else who can bring them....I don't want to completely ruin my relationship with my siblings, but I really don't want my father at the wedding because he will expect to do all the things that fathers do, and that's not goning to happen, which will tick him off...HELP PLEASE!!!!!!! Do I invite him so the kids can come, or do I not invite him and try to explain it once my siblings are old enough to understand...?

I'm not bending on the fact that he will not be an honorary guest... that is something that is given out of respect and respect is earned, not given because you have a title...

deb84

Are you having your step dad walk you down the aisle or are you just walking yourself?  If I were you I would either have your mom walk you or walk yourself to avoid drama.  I would also avoid the father daughter dance in this situation.  (You can explain to your step father and he should understand)

As for seating at the reception sit them at seperate tables but both tables should be "honorary" (near the headtable/sweetheart table and eat before "regular" guests). 

That of course is my opinion.  If you REALLLY have your heart set on your step father walking you down the aisle it will be more difficult to pull off...   I don't really think you can/should not invite your father and step mother.

Good Luck!

kxp004

Yes that's good advice.....I will be walking myself... most definately... but he will cause a scene...even about that... I just KNOW... you know?

kxp004

this post has been moved to the etiquette board.... just fyi thanks!

riverjib

Ouch! Your dad sounds like a real jerk, and I'm really sorry that you have to deal with his childish and vindictive behavior. It sounds to me like you'll have to invite him, but you certainly are not obligated to treat him as an honorary guest. If you feel close to your stepfather, you can do the father-daughter dance with him. A less incendiary and non-traditional approach would be to dance with your mother. Maybe it sounds weird, but I've seen it at more than one wedding...my sister did that.

Be prepared for the backlash, but just absorb it and let it go. I'd seat him in the back so that whatever obnoxious remarks he might make aren't heard.

Why can't your siblings be in the wedding? I wouldn't battle about it, but try to include them if you can. If not, they'll figure it out on their own as they grow up, and hopefully appreciate that you made a sacrifice to ensure that they were at least THERE.

MairePoppy

Your father should have never discussed the child support payments with you. His comments were out of line. And yes, he sounds like an a$$. But remember, none of your parents owe you a wedding, so don't penalize him on the grounds that he isn't contributing.  Invite him and stepmother to the wedding. Let each set of parents host their own table. Make sure Mom's and your father's tables are far, far apart.

If you ask your siblings to be in the wedding party, at least they will know you want them there, no matter what happens. It might also motivate your dad to be on his best behaviour.

If he threatens to boycott the wedding if doesn't get his way, just tell him your sorry he feels that way. But stand your ground.

Good luck.

***edit****
I just read your follow up posts on the other board. Since your siblings are young, you should probably not put them in the middle of it all. That's really sad that he uses all of his children so shamelessly. Since you seem to want the kids at your wedding, you should mail an invitation to your father, stepmother and children. But be prepared for him to decline, since he won't be getting the honors he thinks he deserves. And I definitely think you would be justified in not inviting him at all, if that's what you prefer.

kxp004

I know he doesn't owe me a wedding, but it wasn't that he wouldn't pay, it was also that he wouldn't SUPPORT it at all....like be approving of it...

What do y'all think about invinting the kids in my grandmother's invitation? Would that make things worse or better? Just trying to make sure that they know they are invited... I don't know if my grandma will bring them, but at least they are invited right? maybe? i dunno....

oh and yes i had originally asked for them to be in the wedding, but as I posted on the other board, he has convinced them that "I don't love them" and that "I love my adopted bro and sis more"....(my mom's children are adopted) this is a recurring argument... he says that his kids should be more important because they are my "blood" siblings.... and the other ones are adopted.... which is absolutely ridiculous, but that's what he believes.... so to throw one more problem into the issue, the children will not be allowed to play together at the wedding so that the negative ideas he has put into them don't get said to my other siblings because that would be really hurtful.... y'know?

vegasgroom

How old are your siblings?  It sounds like there's a big age gap between you and them?  And are they kids of his with step-mother I take it?

Sounds like a big mess; it would be ideal if g'ma could bring them but I'm guessing dad would not allow them to go if he's not invited?  Honestly, if there's a chance he could ruin your wedding if he does attend, I'd be inclined to sacrifice having the kids there, you only get married once and if they're that young then hopefully there will be many other opportunities in the future to get closer to the siblings.

LeahDVM2003

Is there a relative you can recruit to bring your younger sibs?  They'll still have to get your bio. father's permission, but he could boycott, or you not invite him, without so much fallout.  Too much to expect, I know, but it's worth a try.  I went to several of my father's relatives' events this way when I was a child (my father isn't someone I wanted to see, either).  You could also include the kids on both your father's (if you invite him), and your grandmother's invitations as insurance.  Technically, it's not correct etiquette if they're under 18, but you could send them their own invitation, maybe with a heartfelt letter.  Naturally, they can't come on their own, but at least they'll know you were thinking of them.  There are good reasons to break the etiquette rules!

cassiew0507

I have a similar problem.  i have desided not to invite my dad and step mom and therefore my younger sisters will not be able to come.  It makes me sad but I cant deal with him on a normal day so dealing with him on my wedding day just really isnt a possibility.  I just hope one day my sisters understand.  My older sister had to do the same thing.

Lisa8888

You have a very complicated relationship with your father. You said you initially thought that your stepfather was the bad guy and now you think your father is the bad guy. I think you should try to resolve the issues you have with your father. He is your father. Divorce is complicated and children are often hurt in their relationships with their fathers. Don't throw out your relationship with your father unless you are absolutedly sure.

He still is your father. Nothing will ever change that. So as your father, he does deserve to be recognized as your father at your wedding. If you are positive that you want him out of your life for good, then don't invite him. That would be a big step.

kxp004

I appreciate your advice, but I highly disagree with the fact that he "deserves" to be at my wedding just because he is my father...

If your father was man who brainwashed you as a child, and who smacked you around when you disagreed with him would you invite him? How about just because he is your father?

Just because he is my father doesn't excuse his behaviors, and just because he's my father doesn't mean he deserves my respect... you have to be more than a freaking sperm donor....

I thought the absolute world of him, and come to find out is was all lies...everything he taught me, he doesn't listen too, and he emotionally and physically abuses his family...

I do appreciate everyone's advice and help throughout this experience, whether or not I agreed with the comment or not... I asked for advice and got more than I ever expected. I want to thank EVERYONE for taking time to help me, someone y'all don't know, work through an issue.

I have also made my ultimate decision... Based on the conversations here, my parent's feelings, my FM&FIL's feelings, my FI's feelings and most importantly my own... I have decided to not invite my father and stepmother to the wedding...instead I will invite my little sis and bro with my grandmother and hope that if they can't come, they will eventually understand why I had to do what I had to do...

THANKS EVERYONE!!! and WISH ME GOOD LUCK!

~Kristen