Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Rehearsal Question

I posted a while back on my FMIL having 53 people on her rehearsal dinner list and that didn't include most of the wedding party, my immediate family and my FI and I.  That has since been resolved, she reduced her list by 9 people (supposedly) and that allowed me to add in those I need to invite (our venue holds 60-70 people).

BUT...a couple weekends ago, she wanted to change the venue.  She booked at the original venue more than 6 months ago, asked us our input, put a deposit, etc.  Well she is using the number issue as the main reason why she wants to change the venue but the real reality is that her sister is having foot surgery in August and will still be in a boot come October (when the wedding is) and our room for the rehearsal is in the loft of a restaurant with no elevator.  Lets keep in mind that her sister has no connection to the bridal party, she is just a close relative.

I know she's paying, but is it really wrong that I let my opinions on that be known?  I didn't tell her that we COULDN'T change the venue, but I got really irritable when she was asking me about it and I said in a kind of snappy way "Well if you are paying, that isn't MY decision to make, is it?" and then I told her that I absolutely would not be the one to make that decision.  Obviously, I came across that I was unhappy with her, but really?  Do we have to change the venue now?

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?  FI was unhappy too, but he doesn't speak up like I do.

Re: Rehearsal Question

  • Yes, you should have kept your mouth shut. It's her party. If it were at her home, and she had originally planned a backyard barbeque, but switched it to an elegant dinner, could you say anything? No.

    It's an unusual situation because it's planned so far in advance and you 2 guests get planning details. But, as long as she invited everyone etiquette requires her to invite, she can invite additional people, select the venue, select the food, etc. [Venue and food have certain etiquette considerations; food, same as anything you host; venue, must be close enough to the ceremony site it's not an inconvenience to attend the dinner after the rehearsal.]
  • As long as she's paying FMIL can do whatever she wants for the RD, this includes inviting as many people as she wants to and changing the venue.
     
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    You definitely should have kept your mouth shut. She is hosting and paying for the dinner so she gets to plan it her way. She doesn't need to make an excuse to change the location.
                       
  • A word of advice, anything dealing with FILs needs to go through your FI. He may not speak up as much as you do, but he needs to.  You will have all kinds of drama and problems if you continue to handle the issues with FILs.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I don't understand the issue? 

    Your FMIL is hosting a party.  She wants to change venues to accommodate  her guests.    What is the problem?  So what if it's to make it so her sister has easier access to the venue? It's not like your wedding is next week and you  have to go around informing everyone of the change.

    I will give you the benefit of the doubt you are stressed, but I think your reaction was rude and a little  inappropriate.   In the grand scheme of things this is NOT a big deal.   It's a dinner party at is 3-4 months away.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to Re:Rehearsal Question:[QUOTE]I don't understand the issue?nbsp; Your FMIL is hosting a party.nbsp; She wants to change venues to accommodatenbsp; her guests.nbsp;nbsp;nbsp; What is the problem?nbsp; So what if it's to make it so her sister has easier access to the venue? It's not like your wedding is next week and younbsp; have to go around informing everyone of the change.I will give you the benefit of the doubt you are stressed, but I think your reaction was rude and a littlenbsp; inappropriate.nbsp;nbsp; In the grand scheme of things this is NOT a big deal.nbsp;nbsp; It's a dinner party at is 34 months away. Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    In my defense, she actually asked me if we should change the venue. I'm just irritated that the reason she is thinking to change is because the guest list is ridiculous for the shower. It's not limited to the wedding party and because she is banking on her sister being unable to climb stairs two months after surgery.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I still don't get the issue. Although I had 100+ people at my RD. Most RDs I've been to have also included no -WP members.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Look, last time around I remember people telling you that if it's such a big issue that you and FI should just host it yourselves.  If you aren't going to get the RD you want with FMIL hosting, then you need to say, 'Look, FMIL, this is getting to be too much of a hassle and I think we would just prefer to take care of it ourselves."

    If you can't do that, then yes, you need to just live with it.  She's the host so she gets to decide these things.
  • Just because she is paying doesnt mean you shouldnt voice your opion. I would have. But... The way you said it was pretty rude. You should of worded it differently.
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited June 2012
    Why are you opposed to her changine the venue? Why are you opposed to having FI's family there? These are the parts of your post that I don't understand.
    Lizzie
  • What is the big deal? It's the Rehearsal Dinner. Basically, you are choosing a place to eat. If the woman is paying for it, let her have it wherever she wants and be grateful. She was able to accomodate your request to add people to the list, so I don't get what the issue is.

    There is no issue here. A lot of people pay for their weddings and RD's and everything on their own, you are very lucky to not have to worry about where to have it because of your budget. Keep your mouth shut and say thank you and enjoy your night.
  • I think it is pretty awesome your FMIL is hosting the RD. As far as the guestlist , which I guess you posted about before, why do you keep harping on how many people if she is paying? Perhaps you feel it is one sided and the event will be over run with his family but maybe you shoyld be flattered and happy your FMIL is so excited for your wedding and wants to share this time with so many people. Yes. You over reacted about the venue change and you should apologize with calling your FMIL with a few suggestions that could accomadate the aunt.
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  • I'd let it go.  A lot of brides would be thrilled to have their in-laws offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner.  I'd just be happy she was focusing on the RD instead of telling you what she wants at your wedding!
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