Catholic Compromise

Kamakanani

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_catholic-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:35ad4d8b-beb5-434e-ba63-10fc64b74ffbPost:1eea1c88-7c9f-469d-a6b0-bf78323e48fe">Re: Catholic Compromise</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey everyone, Thank you all for your opinions. I will try to stop stressing over it until the time comes to sit down and have a serious conversation. I hope I didn't create too much drama. I'm new here and I was trying to aviod a religious debate but it was apparently not the hot button topic to start off with on this site! Thanks again : )
Posted by SpartanCat[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>As another note, I'm not sure if you're aware, but if you do end up having a Catholic ceremony (or even if not, and you just have questions on what it entails and so forth), you can also feel free to come over to the Catholic Weddings board (it's under "Cultural Wedding Boards" on the left there).</div><div>
</div><div>I think the best point to start off on when it comes to the conversation is not so much discussing the day itself but discussing how you each want the subsequent marriage (and any future children) handled, religion-wise.</div><div>
</div><div>Good luck!

</div>

MairePoppy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_catholic-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:35ad4d8b-beb5-434e-ba63-10fc64b74ffbPost:1eea1c88-7c9f-469d-a6b0-bf78323e48fe">Re: Catholic Compromise</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey everyone, Thank you all for your opinions. I will try to stop stressing over it until the time comes to sit down and have a serious conversation. I hope I didn't create too much drama. I'm new here and I was trying to aviod a religious debate but it was apparently not the hot button topic to start off with on this site! Thanks again : )
Posted by SpartanCat[/QUOTE]

You did not create any drama. You asked your questions in a respectful manner, without disparaging others religious beliefs.

I wish you well in planning a ceremony that represents fi's and your beliefs.

ke11ybean

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_catholic-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:35ad4d8b-beb5-434e-ba63-10fc64b74ffbPost:f84ab6d2-3d1a-469f-a8c9-aa214e8ad8b7">Re: Catholic Compromise</a>:
[QUOTE]..... Considered by some to be Christianity? It was the first Christian Church. It was founded by St. Peter. It follows the teachings of Christ. By definition, Catholics are Christians. You are entitled to your beliefs. But don't spout opinion as fact.
Posted by cfaszews25[/QUOTE]

Catholics are Christians. Christians are not always Catholic. The Catholic church has a variety of doctrines that most other Christian faiths don't agree with or follow. I am a non-denominational Christian and I don't neccessarily agree with a lot of what the Catholic church teaches. However, I try not to be disrespectful of the church and try to understand various beliefs of theirs when a question comes up.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to Re:Catholic Compromise:[QUOTE]I hope that the following post does not come out harsh.If this is the man that you plan on marrying, you are out of line, I guess. I am not Catholic, I don't agree with the religion at all. But, I'm not marrying a Catholic, I'm marrying Christian, like I. That is why I am kind of opposed to people from different religions or spiritual beliefs marrying each other. It never works out. nbsp;Anything spiritually related is so deep and serious, and both partners must be on the same page. I'm a Christian, and I follow the Bible. The Bible reads 'How can two walk together, unless they be agreed?' Also, it reads nbsp;that you have to submit to your husband not in a demeaning way, because the Bible teaches that he has to honor and respect you, love you like Christ loves the church nbsp;and he has to submit to the Lord. That is what I believe, and no one can ever change it. So if your future husband is adament about having a Catholic ceremony, you have to follow it, if you don't like it, you shouldn't marry him. I just think that this is such a deeper issue. If you guys are disagreeing with something like this, what will happen when you both have children? Where will they go to church? How will they be baptized? What do you want them to believe? I'm very disturbed by the fact that he's wants this because of his family. I can just smell alot of arguments, contention, and strife in the future. Trust me, you do not want to marry someone who'll make big decisions off of what his family wants, and disregard what you, his WIFE wants.That being said, you can ultimitely do what you want. : I truly hope that the above paragraph didn't come out sounding too mean. The last thing that I want to do is upset someone, however, I will tell the truth. And honestly, between you and your husband, I can def. understand your point of view more. I truly hope that everything works out! Posted by keringtonp[/QUOTE]

Saying 2 people who marry from different faiths never works out is a lie. My dad is Jewish, my mon is catholic and they are married 37 years.

SpartanCat

Any further discussion about christianity vs catholocism is off topic and not the point of this post.

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome. I look forward to getting to know everyone : )

SpartanCat

I understand. I was trying to avoid any further drama especially since it's really not what the post was about. 

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_catholic-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:35ad4d8b-beb5-434e-ba63-10fc64b74ffbPost:9fb3880d-7b9d-4a54-b984-cf4345603de1">Re: Catholic Compromise</a>:
[QUOTE] I'm sorry, but the Catholic church's rules are driving people away. I read an article that stated that the only reason the church's numbers are staying even are because of immigration --- young American Catholics are leaving in droves, as are many Protestants.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

How are <u>Protestants</u> leaving the <u>Catholic</u> church?  Bueller?

OliveOilsMom

Spartan,  If you truly would feel uncomfortable being married in the Catholic Church, it could be possible for your FI to obtain a dispensation from the Bishop for you two to be married by a deacon or priest outside of a Church.  The ceremony would still need to be performed inside of a building, but a priest or deacon could still officiate and your FI would still be in good standing with the Church.  The ceremony would still be the basic Catholic ceremony though, just not in a Church.  (Sort of like the combo Jewish/Catholic ceremony a PP mentioned)

When you have your discussion with your bf, ask him how he would feel if he were never able to receive communion again.  The answer to that question will help you to both determine whether the Catholic ceremony should even be considered.  Also ask him, if he ever has had thoughts on going back to the Church fully (as in attending mass weekly, getting any future children baptized Catholic).  If the answers to both questions are no, then you two should not have a Catholic ceremony just to appease family.

SpartanCat

Thank you OO's Mom, I will bring up those points when we discuss it.

mbrischoux

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_catholic-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:35ad4d8b-beb5-434e-ba63-10fc64b74ffbPost:6bd4d0ee-91a8-4bf2-924f-d7db77f3f303">Re: Catholic Compromise</a>:
[QUOTE]CMGr, Thank you for your post. I have seen a Catholic wedding and been to Catholic masses. It is not my preference for my personal reasons. I understand the consequences of his not having a Catholic ceremony. As it is, he does not take communion anyway when we do go because he has not confessed. If this was important to him, I feel he would confessed before now so that he could do so. But again, we will have this conversation again when it comes time. <strong>I distinctly disagree on being ready to marry. Neither he nor I are particularly religious people. We believe in being good people and having proper values without needing to follow a specific faith. This is our preference, I am not saying it is right for everyone. Though it will be awhile yet before we have children, we plan to bring them up with proper values based in good will, humility, respect, and tolerance. Religious denomination has very little to do with it.

I agree with you so very much.

My husband and I are both Catholic, and while I am very much involved in the practice, my husband does not identify with the faith.  You're bolded statement resonated very much with me, because this is exactly how we approach that aspect of our marriage and how we explained it to someone who felt that our differences in faith would interfere with our marriage.  Thanks for posting that, you're awesome.

We did not have a full Catholic Mass, just the marriage rite (for the reasons you stated).  It is not as heavy on religion as a Mass would be and only takes 20 minutes, plus your fiance could still have it in the Catholic church and have it be recognized there.  I know this made my husband, who is not faithful, much more comfortable.

I hope this helps!  Good luck!
</strong>Posted by SpartanCat[/QUOTE]

mbrischoux

Sorry, looks likse my above post is all a quote.  My own words started with "I agree with you so much."

It's been that kind of day between me and technology

SpartanCat

Mbrischoux,
I'm still figuring this site out myself lol.
Thanks : ) That's my biggest issue when discussing religion with those that are very devout (and why I typically avoid religious discussions). The basis of most religions is the same--being a good person by treating others as you would be treated, respect, etc.--so I don't see how it matters if you accomplish that in a church or in a soup kitchen (for example) in your spare time.
Thank you, I will speak to him about the marriage rite as opposed to a full mass and see what his opinions are.
This is driving me nuts, I want my ring so I can plan for serious!! haha

DMoore421

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_catholic-compromise?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:35ad4d8b-beb5-434e-ba63-10fc64b74ffbPost:fd4aa6ef-b11c-4eb3-9a3b-24a19f29fd8b">Catholic Compromise</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sure there's been lots of posts about this but I haven't had much time to search. I am not engaged yet but we have been discussing it for a year or two now. One of the biggest obstacles, besides the budget, that we have been skirting around because we're both worried that we won't agree is the actual ceremony. The future fiance's entire family is Catholic though he is not practicing beyond special events. Both his brother and sister have been married in Catholic ceremonies. I am a Methodist and though I'm not a practicing one, and for my own reasons I would still prefer not to have a Catholic wedding. He wants a Catholic ceremony mainly to please his family. I feel a bit bratty but I don't think I should be forced to conduct a Catholic ceremony to please his extended family. Am I out of line? Do you have any suggestions on compromising Catholic ceremonies with other faiths or even secular? Any assistance would be much appreciated. Thanks! Julie
Posted by SpartanCat[/QUOTE]


one way to solve this issue is to not have your ceremony in a church - a catholic priest cannot perform a marriage ceremony outside of the church - so find a venue that is not a church..

also is he aware that to get married in the church you will have to attend classes and meetings with the church outside of actual planning meetings,

I am the first person in my family get married outside of the church - so other than a few snarky comments from my grandmother - there really hasn't been too much fuss about it

wrigleyville

SpartanCat - to piggyback on OliveOil's post (which had some very good points), if you do decide to get married in your church with the dispensation, you could reassure your FI that it wouldn't be a slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am ceremony. While other ceremonies aren't necessarily as long as the Catholic ceremony, you could always add a singer and a couple of readings.

My brother and his wife were married in her non-denominational church. They had a couple of people do readings, and one of his GMs sang a lovely song. Total time for wedding = 30 minutes or so. It wasn't too long, nor was it super short. It was absolutely perfect.

Stefahn33

This discussion board is crazy!

My fiance and I have both been raised Catholic, but are considering not getting married in the church because we don't necessarily agree with all of the "rules". Our issue is similar to yours Spartancat in that we would only do a Catholic ceremony to appease our grandparents and parents. What we are considering now is multiple ceremonies. It costs a bit more and takes more time but it would ultimately make everyone happy in the end. 

Since we are not getting married for 11 months I can't really tell you if this will work, but we are going to try to plan the Catholic ceremony for Friday night for only family (aka those people who actually care about getting married in the church) and then Saturday, followed by the reception we will do a non-denominational  outdoor ceremony led by our friends that will ultimately have much more meaning to us than the previous ceremony. 

In that case, the grandparents can be all smug that they got their church, but we know truly in our hearts that it was that second ceremony outdoors that truly married us. 

Good luck with your decision. Also, don't listen to these crazy people telling you not to get married- how rude.