Elope or wedding???

kmerry1

My BF and I are getting engaged really soon and I know the time is coming that we need to decided if we should have a wedding or elope begining of next june. I would love to have a wedding but due to my parents divorce 2 years ago and my mothers upcoming 2nd marriage this april, my family has been ripped apart. My wedding would be the first time my father and my moms new husband (who I can not stand for reasons I wont go into detail here) would be in the same room. I am extremely worried about everyone behaving as adults. 

Is it ok to ask/ tell my mother that I dont want her husband there? 

I had already talked to my future MIL and she has given her blessing to eloping if that it what we choose and most of my extended family would be ok with it except for my mother who would be heart broken. 

I am not yet engaged but it is already stressing me out and I don't know what to do....HELP!

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_elope-or-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:3fd190c3-52f1-460f-ac66-6d371e956b2dPost:0b0df618-41f7-45d0-b8f1-2b8ea9870ef6">Elope or wedding???</a>:
[QUOTE]My BF and I are getting engaged really soon and I know the time is coming that we need to decided if we should have a wedding or elope begining of next june. I would love to have a wedding but due to my parents divorce 2 years ago and my mothers upcoming 2nd marriage this april, my family has been ripped apart. My wedding would be the first time my father and my moms new husband (who I can not stand for reasons I wont go into detail here) would be in the same room. I am extremely worried about everyone behaving as adults.  Is it ok to ask/ tell my mother that I dont want her husband there?  I had already talked to my future MIL and she has given her blessing to eloping if that it what we choose and most of my extended family would be ok with it except for my mother who would be heart broken.  I am not yet engaged but it is already stressing me out and I don't know what to do....HELP!
Posted by kmerry1[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1)  Wait until you are engaged to start planning your wedding.  </div><div>
</div><div>2)  If you decide to invite your mother, you have to invite her husband.  Telling her that he can't come is making her choose between her husband and her child.  You can't put her in that position.  </div><div>
</div><div>3)  Assume that your father and your step father are adults and can behave themselves at an event.  If either one of them misbehaves, they can be escorted out.  

</div>

redheadfsu

1. When you elope you still have a wedding, it is just private (just the two of you)

2. If you invite your mother, her husband MUST be invited. If you tell her don't bring her husband you are being very rude and I doubt she would forgive you for it.

3. Talk to your mother ask her how she feels about not being at your wedding.

If you want a traditional wedding, then have a traditional wedding, your family can behave like grownups for a few hours. If you don't want to have a private wedding (just you two) then you will regret it. However, if (like me) you really wanted it to be private, you won't regret it.

pattib5

Yes, if your mother is invited, her new husband should definitely be invited. However, wait to make any decisions until after you're engaged. Family drama can calm down by then and it might not be an issue after all. However, if your family is the dramatical (new word type and can't/won't behave like adults around each other, consider eloping just to save arguments, stress, tears, and drama.

Bay21

I agree with PP's you definitely don't need to be worrying too much about this yet because you are not engaged, your mother and step-dad are to be invited together, and your dad and step-dad and are adults I'm sure they'll behave like ones. 

More importantly though, you need to decide what you and your fiance want from your wedding day. The intimate setting of an elopement, or the traditional, party-esque wedding celebration? Whichever you choose, there is bound to be some kind of drama, that is just life. It should be more important what they two of you want, what you envision for that day, than what kinds of things could happen.

boaznruth

What do YOU want to do?  Do you want the traditional wedding with guests and the whole she-bang or does the thought of all the money and planning leave you sick to the stomach?  Does the idea of the intimacy of eloping appeal to you or will you be dissappointed at having missed your chance at a big wedding with all the trappings?

This day is for you and your fiance and should be what you want it to be.  If that is just the two of you someplace special and private or off the wall and zany, I say go for it!  If that is a more traditional wedding, then go for that and just accept that all weddings have their headaches and most have some sort of family drama.  Whichever route you go, you'll likely have to deal with family stuff, because...that's life and family and after the wedding you'll still have to deal with family stuff because...that's life and family.

For now, why not focus on the excitement of this phase of your relationship and the excitement of your upcoming engagement, then worry about the details after that?  Sometimes, we rush through where we are now because we're in such a hurry to reach where we will be, only to regret having missed out on the steps in between.  I know I've done it plenty of times.  

Good luck!