Catholic Mom and a Non-Catholic Wedding....

jmarch07

Please help! I am in SUCH a dilemma! My mother (and her side of the family) are very strict Catholics. It would break her heart if I wasn't married in the eyes of the church. My fiancée on the other hand is a Catholic, but does not practice and does not want to be married, in a church, but rather outside on a lake... He wouldn't mind a ceremony done by a priest, but the church won't allow ceremonies outside. This has been the cause of stress and arguing and NOTHING is settled. (Wedding is two years away). 

I would really love some opinions on how to resolve this. I had the idea of doing a small church ceremony with just family, those who it matters to, the week before the large wedding on the lake. Kind of like doing the church and legal ceremonies separate. I figure this could satisfy all the people that I love and care about.

Any thoughts or suggestions? 

Thanks for the help!!

aerinpegadrak

It's not your mother's wedding.  If you and your FI want a non-religious (or at least non-Catholic) wedding, that's your choice and your mother will deal.  If YOU, independent of other concerns, want a Catholic wedding and your FI does not, then you're going to have to find a compromise.

Unless you're in Europe, the church and legal ceremonies aren't separate. 

MairePoppy

I'm a (formerly devout, but no longer practicing) Catholic MOB. My daughter has informed us that she will be having a non-religious ceremony. I think she expected me not to take this news so well. But my feeling is that if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to decide what kind of vows you will take and what religion you will practice. Honesty is the best policy. Just tell your parents how you feel and see how that goes.

As far as having two ceremonies, you really need to consult with your priest to find out if that is feasible. I believe that a legal marriage document is required by the church. So once you have the church ceremony, you will be legally married also.

MairePoppy

There is a Catholic message board on the knot. You will find it under Cultural Wedding Boards. The women there may have helpful information for you.

trix1223

I work in a church as a  church organist, and our children were raised in the church and were active participants.

So when my DD came and said they didn't want their wedding in our church, I took, quite literally 15 seconds and then said, Okay so what are the plans?  Because we are part of a mainline Protestant denomination, we didn't have the issues that you'll have a Catholic.

They had a Christian wedding officiated by our recently retired minister in a gorgeous outdoor setting.

Now:  I agree with pp.  If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to say to your mom "Mom, I respect that you had a different picture of my wedding.  But this is what matters to us.  I'm sorry if you're disappointed, but I hope you'll respect our decision and support us."

And just to add~you get one wedding ceremony.  You can't really have one wedding and then another a week later because you'll already be married.  What you'll be having is a "vow renewal" which is just silly after one week.

Be a big girl.  Talk to your mom.  This is a decision for you and your FI to make youselves.  It's not your mom's call.

quotequeen

If neither of you is a practicing Catholic, you shouldn't be getting married in the Catholic church regardless of what your mom thinks.  She'll get over it.

Pirata13

I agree with PPs.  You're old enough to tell your mom nicely that you do not want a church wedding.  She may not like it, and if she had offered any financial assistance, she may pull it if she's that unhappy about it. But just go to lunch and talk to her about it in an adult manner. When my cousin got married outside of the church, my churchgoing aunt was supportive. She may have been a little upset but she got over it.  Prepare for the wedding you and your FI want.

And I second that if you get married in the church, you are married already, so none of this get married in the church and married on the lake the next week. You and FI choose what will make you happy, and people choose not to come because they disagree with your choice, then so be it. THEY are the ones missing out.

SheTeaches

Your wedding is not for two years?  So you have plenty of time to talk together, the two of you, consult clergy if you wish, MAKE YOUR DECISION, and talk quietly/respectfully with all the parents. 

"This is what we have decided" worked for us - didn't make all of our parents happy at the time but they respected that we were grown-ups who made a grown-up decision because we were ready to do so and willing to take on all responsibilities.  We went on to earn their respect in all the decisions we made in the years after the wedding, which was much more important.

It worked just fine when my son told me his plans, too. 

Start thinking of yourself and your future husband as "we" - you'll be amazed how much stronger you feel!  Good luck.

JeFlanigan

MariePoppy, I wish my mom had that view... my family (mom included) aren't really the best practicing Catholics, until it comes to baptisms, weddings and funerals.  I REALLY don't care one way or the other, and FI is Catholic so it works for us.
Could you get married on the lake, and have a blessing put on the union... its one wedding but you have the spiritual/religious thrown in there too... maybe explain your situation to a priest and even go along with pre cana... IDK , now I'm rambling...

ehathewa

I am Catholic and my fiance is not.  We are having an outdoor wedding preformed by a non-demoninational Christian reverand.  The ceremony will have Catholic aspects though.  We are exchanging a sign of peace (the shake-hands portion of mass), we are including traditional music, and a family friend will be saying a prayer. 

wallyandkristin

Why not have an afternoon reception lakeside?  Everybody wins. 
On getting married in the church, you should only do that if that is what you want.  Marriage in the church is a sacrament and shouldn't be taken lightly.  There is alot more involved in it than just picking a priest and setting a date and time.  Do you plan to practice your faith later in life?  Do you want to baptize your children and raise them in the faith?  (rhetorically speaking, you don't need to answer those questions)  Just things to think about...

felkels

I am not Catholic, but I had a similar delema, I wanted an outdoor beach wedding and he wanted a church wedding.  We compromised and are having our wedding in a church, and our reception outside.  Could this be an option?  Rent a park or that lake or something.  Get married in your church and have the party out at the lake???  Just a thought.

MyNameIsNot

If you and your FI don't want the catholic wedding, you shouldn't.  Like PP said, if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to explain to your mom that this isn't what you want.

Ditto PPs about not doing both.  If you get married in the church a week before, that will be your wedding.  The thing on the lake would be a fake ceremony, or a vow renewal. It won't be your wedding, and it won't mean anything.

Cat24

It's really a decision for you and your fiance. I have seen quite a few times where there was a private ceremony in the church for the family during the week and then a big ring ceremony/reception with  the guest list on the weekend at an alternate location(usually outside).

In the end it's up to you and your FI to make the decision though and while it may dissapoint mom....well she's a big girl and made her own decisions regarding her wedding once, so you might just have to avoid wedding talk beyond telling her your decision to minimize the drama.