Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Rehersal Dinner (I'm I asking too much)

To begin, FH and I have been doing a lot of compromising with our wedding.  We are having a large reception nearly 300 people.  I made the mistake of not limiting the invites for each side.  FH parents have added almost twice as many guest as my side.  (My parents are paying for everything).  I did get them to cut a few. FH and I were in aggreement that they were adding just crazy amount of people.   Anyway, originally FH and I were going to pay for the rehersal dinner becasue his parents do not have the extra money.  I was planning on inviting our out of state guests to dinner.  Nothing fancy BBQ in the church basement.  However, when they stated they wanted to pay, they seemed upset that I wanted my out of state guests there, because of the cost.  Am I asking too much to invite them, I feel that they didn't have a problem adding all these extra people to the reception.  (they know that the cost per plate is 30.00ish)   I again offered to pay for the extra people at the rehersal dinner.  I don't feel that it is too much to ask for our OK, MO, TN, GA guests to be invited to dinner. Thoughts?
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Re: Rehersal Dinner (I'm I asking too much)

  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    If they're hosting, they get to decide who comes.  You offered to pay for these additional people and it seems they turned you down, which is their right as hosts.

    Your options at this point are letting it go or politely turning down their offer to host the rehearsal dinner and going back to hosting it yourself.



  • If they're paying they get to decide who comes. Let it go. OOT guests do no have to be invited to the RD.
     
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  • I personally don't understand inviting OOT guests to the rehersal dinner.  My future inlaws have invited everyone and anyhthing that isn't nailed down.  Thier guest list is only 20 people short of the ENTIRE wedding gues list.  It has gotten out of control, and I am dreading the event.  There is no way we will be able to effectively REHERSE with so many people crowding about and talking.  I am going to end up begging the wedding party to show up prior to the 'rehersal dinner', so we can actually get anything done.

    Think before you pile on the guests.  The Rehersal dinner is your only chance to iron out last minute detailyone present, organize people, and get things done.  The more distractions you add, the less of that you will accomplish.  If you've ever been to an office meeting, you know that the more people that are present to offer their opinions, the less that actually gets done.
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  • usally the rehearsal is just a dinner.. and the actual rehearsal takes place the day of the ceremony, usually an hour or 2 before the ceremony starts. Usually at the RD is when the gifts for the bridal party and parents are handed out.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_rehersal-dinner-im-i-asking-too-much?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:46ea632f-fff2-4b96-989f-bdcc7bcc331aPost:9f0c6af1-3be3-4692-848f-62cbf6b904fb">Re: Rehersal Dinner (I'm I asking too much)</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>usally the rehearsal is just a dinner.. and the actual rehearsal takes place the day of the ceremony, usually an hour or 2 before the ceremony starts</strong>. Usually at the RD is when the gifts for the bridal party and parents are handed out.
    Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

    That might be the custom for your family or where you're from, but I've never heard of doing a rehearsal on the day of the wedding.  The rehearsal is supposed to be the day before--if it was on the day of the wedding, you'd lose the tradition of the groom not seeing the bride before the wedding.  Generally the 1-2 hours before the wedding are still devoted to getting ready or pictures and I can't imagine trying to take a timeout for practicing.

    The rehearsal dinner is after the rehearsal and, you're right, is the best time for bridal party gifts to be handed out.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_rehersal-dinner-im-i-asking-too-much?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:46ea632f-fff2-4b96-989f-bdcc7bcc331aPost:369dc2f0-d655-4404-af9e-a0d2f45ab617">Re: Rehersal Dinner (I'm I asking too much)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I never heard of people inviting other people, including OOT guests, to rehearsal dinners unti The Knot.  I'm a native Texan (suhthun hospitality is a MUST, deah) and most people accepted that they had to provide for food and lodging when traveling to a wedding.  This must be a newer custom. (I'm 48)
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]


    I think it is newer, as I had never heard of it until my sister did it for her wedding.  We never rehersed a thing, and I was SO nervous at her wedding because I had only a vague idea of what to do as her maid of honor (I was 18, and hadn't even given 10 minutes of thought about weddings).

    Thank goodness all of my bridal party has agreed to come early before the event.  Bless them for their flexibility!  I think a big part of my issues with the practice is nervousness with meeting the extended family.  I didn't expect to have to do it before the wedding, when I was a massive ball of distracted nerves!
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • I think inviting OOT guests to the RD must be a regional thing because all the weddings I've been to (that weren't completely bucking etiquette) invited OOT guests. I've always seen it as the reception is a thank you for coming to the wedding and an invitation to the rehearsal dinner is a thank you for traveling so far to my wedding.
  • My family has always, always invited the OOTers to the rehearsal dinner.  I'm not talking people who drove a couple of hours, but the ones who drove at least a full day's worth or, in most cases, traveled by plane.  For us, our wedding was in Oregon and the rehearsal dinner included guests from Arizona, Montana, MIchigan and Indiana.  Part of the reason we do that is because family also always stays with family, so our OOTers would have been on their own in a strange town the night before the wedding.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I don't know how new it is in general to invite out-of-towners to a rehearsal dinner (which I think in itself is a pretty new ritual).

    It isn't required.  When my cousin got married (he was the groom) his parents, my mother's sister and BIL invited only the wedding party members to the rehearsal dinner but arranged a hospitality suite at a nearby hotel for out-of-town guests.  My parents rudely got pissed that they weren't invited (when my brother was married they did throw a rehearsal dinner and invited all the out-of-town guests; it was quite big!) but my own feeling is that they weren't entitled to expect to be invited.

    That said, it is kind, albeit not mandatory, to make sure out-of-town guests, especially those not familiar with the area, aren't left to fend for themselves in a strange vicinity.  Giving them a heads-up about local restaurants, events, attractions, etc. and arranging to spend other time with them is gracious, especially if one doesn't invite them to the rehearsal dinner.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_rehersal-dinner-im-i-asking-too-much?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:46ea632f-fff2-4b96-989f-bdcc7bcc331aPost:0b688460-5c6c-4756-9adf-7d4cf8beec55">Re: Rehersal Dinner (I'm I asking too much)</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rehersal Dinner (I'm I asking too much) : That might be the custom for your family or where you're from, but I've never heard of doing a rehearsal on the day of the wedding.  The rehearsal is supposed to be the day before--if it was on the day of the wedding, you'd lose the tradition of the groom not seeing the bride before the wedding.  Generally the 1-2 hours before the wedding are still devoted to getting ready or pictures and I can't imagine trying to take a timeout for practicing. The rehearsal dinner is after the rehearsal and, you're right, is the best time for bridal party gifts to be handed out.
    Posted by stantokm[/QUOTE]

    This is mostly for jewish weddings- I should have clarified. I have only been to one catholic wedding, one non-denom and the rest were jewish... but yeah mostly we just rehearsed that day and that day we found out who our partners were as well (for BM/GM). I could be wrong but most jews do see eachother beforehand, as they have to sign the ketubah and have 2 witness before they can officially be married.

    Someone correct me if I'm wrong though b/c I'm not jewish.
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