Customs and Traditions

Unity Candle

We are lighting a unity candle in our ceremony. I know that it is normally the mothers the light the candles in the beginning. How do I make it so that my fiances step-mother doesn't feel left out? Is it a bad idea to have both his mother and step-mother lighting one candle?

Re: Unity Candle

  • I really wouldn't worry about it.  Get her a corsage, but it's pretty much understood that his Mom will have a bigger role than his Step-Mom.  Unless his step-mom raised him I guess. 
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  • I would go with just Mom lighting the candle.  You have step-mom up there to make her feel better and you end up offending mom.  And mom is probably going to be more hurt/offended over step-mom being included than step-mom would be over not being included.
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  • Yeah I would go with Mom.  My mom is passed and I didn't realize that it was supposed to be the mom's lighting the candles.  I guess I just thought they were already lit!  LOL.  I didn't want my dad's wife to do it, because she has only been around for a few years, so I settled on my grandmother.  The people lighting the candles are representing of your families, so it would make sense for his mom to to do since she has been a part of his entire life.

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  • I do agree. But his step-mom has played just as big a role in his life as his mom has....thats why I was trying to figure it out. If his step-mom hadn't had such a big part in his life I wouldn't have worried about it.

  • I agree with giving the corsage to her and include her in photos.  His mom actually gave birth to him so I think that his mom should do it.

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  • We did a unity candel at my wedding too but my husband's step mom was not a huge part of his life. But i think it comes down to what you want the unity candle to represent. I saw it as each of our moms gave us life and the flame was them passing that life to us to bring into one. I think that there is something to be said that the tradition is the mom and not the dad giving the light to pass along. Maybe you could do a sand alternative-- there are a lot of online ideas about that, but you could have each mother put in different colored sand, to show her part in his life. Or both could like a candle, but his real mom first to show that she was the first in his life. It's hard to juggle making you day special and also making sure no one in the blended family gets their feelings hurt-- good luck!
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