Obligated to ask future sister-in-law?

Classic_amity

I have a future sister-in-law who has caused a lot of trouble in the past with me and my fiance. She has been just 'okay' since she's moved away as we see her far less; she can only cause so much drama from a different zip code. But she's always made it very clear that we are very different and she does not necessarily accept my presence. She's very attention seeking and I am quiet (but with a short temper when dealing with her).

My mother and sister are telling my I am obligated to ask her to be in my wedding party - no exceptions. My fiance is indifferent as he doesn't really understand the whole "family first" etiquette of wedding parties. His side are not saying much either. 

Help! I do not want to cause more rifts between us but I have this fear that she will completely hijack my day to make it about her. Or better yet, duck out in the last minute as she's super unreliable. 

aerinpegadrak

Unless she actually steps between you and your FI during the wedding and takes the vows instead, she really can't make the day about her.  And trust me, I know a couple of girls on these boards who had nightmare MOH/sisters; nothing can ruin your day unless you let it.  Everyone takes their cue from the bride, so if the bride shrugs off or ignores something, so will the guests.

In some families, siblings are an obligation, in some they're not.  How close are you to his mom?  Can you ask her how she thinks the sister would feel about it?  She may not actually want to be involved.

If you're worried about drama, she can always stand on his side.  My brother and FI don't get along, so I asked him to be a bridesman to lessen the opportunities for them to annoy each other at the wedding.  Mixed gender wedding parties are becoming increasingly common.

But if you have every indication from his side that she doesn't expect or want to be asked, you can just tell your mother and sister that you discussed it, everyone's fine with her not being in the wedding, have you tried the bean dip?  It really isn't any of their business, so don't entertain conversation about it.  Changing the subject and not letting them change it back is a perfectly polite (and very effective) means of getting people off your back.

MyNameIsNot

There is no etiquette rule that siblings must be included in wedding parties.  In many areas, it is tradition.  Some family members would take it as an insult if they are excluded.

If you've had a history with her, she's probably not expecting to be asked.  My advice: suggest to your FI that if he'd like to include her, that he can ask her to stand on his side.  Then the ball is in his court, and it isn't your problem or issue.  If you have brothers or other men you'd like to include, put them on your side to drive this home. 

Pirata13

No you don't have to include her.  Well, do you have a brother that FI is including?  FI & I have 3 attendants each, that was what we decided on. He is having his 2 brothers and best friend.  We asked my brother and a male cousin I am close to to serve as ushers when the guests arrive. It was a way to include people without ending up with a larger wedding party than we wanted.  If you & the sister were close, I'd say go for it. But I doubt she really wants to be in it anyway if you guys don't get along.  Especially if FI & FI's family aren't making a stink about her being in it or not, I say don't ask.