I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help!

ashm42910

I got married in a court house February of this year, a few weeks after my daughter was born. We could not afford a wedding, nor did we have the time to plan one. I still really really want to have a ceremony/reception. I dont want a huge wedding, just our close friends and family, with a small 5k budget, i want to wear a dress, i want my dad to walk me down the isle, i want my daughter to be our flower girl. My venue is a beautiful old historic home in my city,

But we are already married? Can i do a vow renewal or something? It won't be for another year or two if we do this. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,
A sad eloper.

ashm42910

I didn't have an actual wedding. I got married in a courthouse, i ELOPED. It's not an insult, a lot of people do consider that a wedding. I consider it an elopment, we didnt tell our families, we just did it.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_i-eloped-but-i-still-want-to-have-a-wedding-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a3e18c4-2666-4bfd-ad65-1bb8e6132399Post:f6c97614-e907-42dd-b0f3-107bfd13cf5a">Re: I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't have an actual wedding. I got married in a courthouse, i ELOPED. It's not an insult, a lot of people do consider that a wedding. I consider it an elopment, we didnt tell our families, we just did it.
Posted by ashm42910[/QUOTE]

Are you legally married?  If so then you had your wedding.  Unless you get divorced you do not get to have another one.  Period.  That's life.  Deal with it.

JaxInBlue

I agree with Stage.  You made a decision to formalize your union quickly and get married without all the fancy details.  You can't undo that decision and have a redo wedding, unless you get divorced first.  Anything that you plan would be a party but not a reception.

One option you would have is to plan a lovely party to celebrate your happiness and new family with others.  You can wear a beautiful dress, it can even be white or ivory, but it shouldn't be an over-the-top dress.  You can still have the good food, the DJ, the dancing, but you don't get the first dance, the entrance, the bridal party, all of the "bride" and "groom" business - including the shower and bachelorette parties.  You can even still have the pictures, the cake (with a modest cake cutting) and accept any toasts people wish to make in your honor.

Or you could  have a vow renewal on your anniversary.  I agree that unless there are extraordinary or extenuating circumstances, its better to do this at 5 years or 10 years.  It still wouldn't be a redo wedding, so no bridal party (except possibly including your daughter) and limited pomp and circumstance.  Photographer, DJ, catered affair are all acceptable, IMO.

DH and I waited to have the wedding day we wanted to start our marriage.  It was a choice we made, even if it seemed to others like we took too much time.  You made a choice, too - own that and be happy that you are married with a beautiful daughter.  You don't get the party you originally wanted, but you still have options to celebrate your new family.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_i-eloped-but-i-still-want-to-have-a-wedding-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a3e18c4-2666-4bfd-ad65-1bb8e6132399Post:f6c97614-e907-42dd-b0f3-107bfd13cf5a">Re: I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't have an actual wedding. I got married in a courthouse, i ELOPED. It's not an insult, a lot of people do consider that a wedding. I consider it an elopment, we didnt tell our families, we just did it.
Posted by ashm42910[/QUOTE]

<div>A weddng is a thing where two people show up unmarried, an offical says or does something, and the two people leave married.  It may not have been the wedding of your dreams, but it was a wedding.  </div><div>
</div><div>Yes, you can have a vow renewal.  However, it will not be a wedding, and is not meant to be a do-over for the wedding you decided not to have.  If that's what you're trying to do, you probably aren't going to be happy with a vow renewal.  You might as well just throw a first anniversary party and skip the ceremony re-do.  </div><div>
</div><div>Instead, move on and enjoy your marriage.  If you want to do a vow renewal, save it for a milestone anniversary.  Most likely, as you move on, it will seem more and more silly to throw a bunch of time and money for a party that won't even be a wedding, especially now that you're already married and with a child.  Part of being an adult is knowing that things don't always come out the way you plan them or the way you would have hoped.  It might be a good lesson for your child to learn.  </div><div>
</div><div>The marriage, not the party, is the important part.  You already have the marriage.  Why focus on the party now?  </div>

irish624

My cousin got married to his wife at a court house or some thing ( don't remember).  Then after they had their daughter they decided to do the whole big wedding thing.  Not going to lie me whole family thought it was rediculous that they did that.  But it is your choice to do that.  If you want to have a big wedding then do that but just remember there will be people that will say some thing. 

Annas2013

You already had a wedding.  An elopement is a wedding.  Being married at the courthouse is a wedding.  So are you saying you plan on lying to your families and pretending to get married in front of them?  That's basically going to mean your "wedding" is a lie, and anyone that found out would probably be super mad at you.  It's also incredibly rude and insulting to other brides that got married at the courthouse or eloped.  You can have a vow renewal in a few years if you want to do something big.  

Or there's always the option that you could just have a party to celebrate your marriage.  Let's consider that I said a party, not a reception.  There's a difference.

Also when you put a thread in two separate boards, you should put XP in the title.  

mrskristinyc

Do what you want. It's your life. Not any of ours.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_i-eloped-but-i-still-want-to-have-a-wedding-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a3e18c4-2666-4bfd-ad65-1bb8e6132399Post:b0356d34-cbf1-452c-850c-7a310653e761">Re: I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Do what you want. It's your life. Not any of ours.
Posted by mrskristinyc[/QUOTE]

Sure, but she came here for advice. That's what people are giving her. She already had a wedding and if she does what she's currently planning many of her friends and family might well be offended and at the very least think she's ridiculous. Wouldn't you want to know if something you were doing would have such an effect?

mrskristinyc

Honestly, if one of my friends (or even family members) had a good reason to do a fast courthouse wedding (such as a child about to be born, or a medical condition that required the partner to be added to insurance, etc), and then they later wanted to have a bigger celebration that included friends and family, I wouldn't be offended.

I'd be happy for my friend and want to celebrate the person's marriage, regardless of how it happened. I have friends who had a courthouse wedding so the freelancer husband could get on his wife's insurance, and then they had a "real" wedding a few months later. No one was offended by it. Unfortunately, our country associates a lot of legal rights with being married, and sometimes it makes more sense to do it this way.

RailWayWife

YOU CHOSE to get married in a courthouse. That was your wedding.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_i-eloped-but-i-still-want-to-have-a-wedding-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a3e18c4-2666-4bfd-ad65-1bb8e6132399Post:b467a3b0-744d-45e4-87c1-bd52b27d257d">Re: I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, if one of my friends (or even family members) had a good reason to do a fast courthouse wedding (such as a child about to be born, or a medical condition that required the partner to be added to insurance, etc), and then they later wanted to have a bigger celebration that included friends and family, I wouldn't be offended. I'd be happy for my friend and want to celebrate the person's marriage, regardless of how it happened. I have friends who had a courthouse wedding so the freelancer husband could get on his wife's insurance, and then they had a "real" wedding a few months later. No one was offended by it. Unfortunately, our country associates a lot of legal rights with being married, and sometimes it makes more sense to do it this way.
Posted by mrskristinyc[/QUOTE]

How do you know nobody was offended or side eyeing it?  Also, did you miss the part about the OP and her husband keeping this a secret? 

I was the best woman in a wedding where I found out minutes before the ceremony that the B&G had been legally married 2 weeks before because their destination "wedding" would not be legal in the US.  So many pictures of me glaring at the two of them throughout the ceremony.

I also have good friends who married in law school when they found out they were going to be parents.  They had many people ask if they were going to have a "real" wedding and their response was always "We had our real wedding.  Thanks for asking."

Each couple made a choice and guess which one offended fewer people.

MiksChick23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_i-eloped-but-i-still-want-to-have-a-wedding-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a3e18c4-2666-4bfd-ad65-1bb8e6132399Post:b467a3b0-744d-45e4-87c1-bd52b27d257d">Re: I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, if one of my friends (or even family members) had a good reason to do a fast courthouse wedding (such as a child about to be born, or a medical condition that required the partner to be added to insurance, etc), and then they later wanted to have a bigger celebration that included friends and family, <strong>I wouldn't be offended. </strong>I'd be happy for my friend and want to celebrate the person's marriage, regardless of how it happened. I have friends who had a courthouse wedding so the freelancer husband could get on his wife's insurance, and then they had a "real" wedding a few months later. No one was offended by it. Unfortunately, our country associates a lot of legal rights with being married, and sometimes it makes more sense to do it this way.
Posted by mrskristinyc[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't be offended either, so long as they were honest about already being married and called it a vow renewal, not a wedding. I WOULD be offended if they called it a wedding (especially if they lied about already being married), had registries and did showers and bachelor/ette parties.

mcskatcat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_i-eloped-but-i-still-want-to-have-a-wedding-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a3e18c4-2666-4bfd-ad65-1bb8e6132399Post:d5c2b884-0e6c-4dfe-97d0-fa37134c357b">I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I got married in a court house February of this year, a few weeks after my daughter was born. We could not afford a wedding, nor did we have the time to plan one. I still really really want to have a ceremony/reception. I dont want a huge wedding, just our close friends and family, with a small 5k budget, i want to wear a dress, i want my dad to walk me down the isle, i want my daughter to be our flower girl. My venue is a beautiful old historic home in my city, B<strong>ut we are already married?</strong> Can i do a vow renewal or something? It won't be for another year or two if we do this. Any suggestions? Sincerely, A sad eloper.
Posted by ashm42910[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Am I the only one who read this as Ron Burgundy?   Are you going to put a question mark on your taxes too?  </div><div>
</div><div>P.S. Yes, that's very insulting.  You already had a wedding.  You're already married.  </div><div>
</div><div>Edit:  I should add that my personal feelings on this are strong because my brother married his wife when he found out he was  being deployed to Iraq a second time.  They pulled together a small wedding within a month with a little over $1k.  They kept it small, had their nearest and dearest there, and at NO point has his lovely wife ever asked for anything more or thought that she missed out on something.  Whenever people say they couldn't get what they wanted I think they are full of it.  </div><div>
</div>

mrskristinyc

I really don't think it is offensive to have a separate celebration after the elopement. She shouldn't be deceptive to her friends and family, and I don't think she should necessarily have all of the peripheral parties involved (shower, bachelorette, etc) since she's technically already married. In the orginal post, she asked if she could do a vow renewal for the ceremony. Why is it offensive for her to wear a white dress and have her father walk her down the aisle?!?

For the record - I do consider a courthouse wedding a "Real" wedding. That's actually what my FI and I initially would have preferred to do, but our families really wanted us to have a bigger wedding (and offered to help finance it), so we decided to go that route instead. As much as people say "Oh, it's YOUR day! Do whatever you want!", I don't necessarily agree. It's your WEDDING, but your friends and family still care about it and want to be part of it, and their feelings should be taken into consideration too.

My brother had a "quickie" wedding in Las Vegas a few years ago, and chose to just leave it at that without so much as a family dinner afterwards. I had a trip planned to visit our family there the following weekend. I was offended that they chose NOT to have any kind of celebration later, because I would have liked to participate in something to celebrate his marriage (and the rest of our family felt the same way). We were offended that they chose to go that route because we all wanted to watch them get married, but at the end oft he day, it was their choice.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_i-eloped-but-i-still-want-to-have-a-wedding-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a3e18c4-2666-4bfd-ad65-1bb8e6132399Post:d1c05c0c-656a-4e1b-a7ea-406602208b41">Re: I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I<strong> really don't think it is offensive to have a separate celebration after the elopement</strong>. She shouldn't be deceptive to her friends and family, and I don't think she should necessarily have all of the peripheral parties involved (shower, bachelorette, etc) since she's technically already married. In the orginal post, she asked if she could do a vow renewal for the ceremony. Why is it offensive for her to wear a white dress and have her father walk her down the aisle?!? For the record - I do consider a courthouse wedding a "Real" wedding. That's actually what my FI and I initially would have preferred to do, but our families really wanted us to have a bigger wedding (and offered to help finance it), so we decided to go that route instead. As much as people say "Oh, it's YOUR day! Do whatever you want!", I don't necessarily agree. It's your WEDDING, but your friends and family still care about it and want to be part of it, and their feelings should be taken into consideration too. My brother had a "quickie" wedding in Las Vegas a few years ago, and chose to just leave it at that without so much as a family dinner afterwards. I had a trip planned to visit our family there the following weekend. I was offended that they chose NOT to have any kind of celebration later, because I would have liked to participate in something to celebrate his marriage (and the rest of our family felt the same way). We were offended that they chose to go that route because we all wanted to watch them get married, but at the end oft he day, it was their choice.
Posted by mrskristinyc[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Of course it isn't offensive to have a celebration after the elopement!  Celebrations and parties are great.  If you'll read the comments, at least two suggested an anniversary party.  </div><div>
</div><div>It would be offensive to have a fake wedding after the elopement and pretend to get married again.  

</div>

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_i-eloped-but-i-still-want-to-have-a-wedding-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a3e18c4-2666-4bfd-ad65-1bb8e6132399Post:d1c05c0c-656a-4e1b-a7ea-406602208b41">Re: I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I really don't think it is offensive to have a separate celebration after the elopement. She shouldn't be deceptive to her friends and family, and I don't think she should necessarily have all of the peripheral parties involved (shower, bachelorette, etc) since she's technically already married. In the orginal post, she asked if she could do a vow renewal for the ceremony. Why is it offensive for her to wear a white dress and have her father walk her down the aisle?!? For the record - I do consider a courthouse wedding a "Real" wedding. That's actually what my FI and I initially would have preferred to do, but our families really wanted us to have a bigger wedding (and offered to help finance it), so we decided to go that route instead. As much as people say "Oh, it's YOUR day! Do whatever you want!", I don't necessarily agree. It's your WEDDING, but your friends and family still care about it and want to be part of it, and their feelings should be taken into consideration too. My brother had a "quickie" wedding in Las Vegas a few years ago, and chose to just leave it at that without so much as a family dinner afterwards. I had a trip planned to visit our family there the following weekend. I was offended that they chose NOT to have any kind of celebration later, because I would have liked to participate in something to celebrate his marriage (and the rest of our family felt the same way). We were offended that they chose to go that route because we all wanted to watch them get married, but at the end oft he day, it was their choice.
Posted by mrskristinyc[/QUOTE]


A celebration is one thing.  Nobody disagrees that one is appropriate and have offered suggestions on how and when to pull it off.

What is completely inappropriate is essentially staging a play where you pretend to get married. This is never going to be okay.  Even if they were to have a convalidation ceremony (if they are Catholic) in the church, it would still be inappropriate to have all of the bells and whistles that go with a PPD wedding.

aragx6

Exactly was MNIN said. Parties are fun. A second recitation of vows is fake and frankly creepy to me.

Summer2011Bride

A celebration is very different from a wedding. I would have no issue with a friend who eloped throwing a big party (without the WP, big pouffy dress, pre-wedding parties, etc. Just a plain old PARTY with good food and maybe some tunes)

I WOULD have an issue with someone saying "My first wedding wasn't good enough so I want another" which is what the OP is saying. Eloping and having a private ceremony is a CHOICE. A valid way that many couples CHOOSE to celebrate their marriage. Just like some people CHOOSE to throw a huge, over the top extravaganza. Since both are choices, to me this would be no different than someone saying, "Well I had this huge wedding, but now I regret that and want a small wedding with only 30 guests, so I'm redoing my wedding in a smaller way." That would sound ridiculous, but is really no different than what OP wants to do: she was unhappy with her first wedding and now wants a second.

Peavy

I WOULD have an issue with someone saying "My first wedding wasn't good enough so I want another" which is what the OP is saying. Eloping and having a private ceremony is a CHOICE. A valid way that many couples CHOOSE to celebrate their marriage. Just like some people CHOOSE to throw a huge, over the top extravaganza. Since both are choices, to me this would be no different than someone saying, "Well I had this huge wedding, but now I regret that and want a small wedding with only 30 guests, so I'm redoing my wedding in a smaller way." That would sound ridiculous, but is really no different than what OP wants to do: she was unhappy with her first wedding and now wants a second.


Very well put, Summer Bride - it puts the whole thing in perspective.

serenity5689

Im sorry for the ladies who have different ideas and believes but kept being told they are WRONG when really no one is wrong but those who are forcing the others.

I did post in the same post in a different group of what my husband said (in my own words) "well then lets get a divorce and get remarried to just get the others to shut up."

serenity5689

Thing is, your believes and other believes dont have to be the same so therefore dont try to force it on others. He takes it serious just fine just thinks that everyone trying to FORCE others to think a renewal cannot be a wedding is just plain stupid.  

serenity5689

Sorry to have to throw this but even if you look it up on WIKI... LOOK AT THIS:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedding_vow_renewal_ceremony

Gabrielle76

Ah, wikipedia, the seat of all good information. 

Plus, that pretty much just agrees with what everyone else has been saying.  They are a chance to re-affirm your vows.  It also says that some couples use it as a chance to have the wedding they never had.  That doesn't mean those couples are following proper etiquette. 

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_i-eloped-but-i-still-want-to-have-a-wedding-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:4a3e18c4-2666-4bfd-ad65-1bb8e6132399Post:f598fb9e-b1e9-4a6a-9338-e26d138ba7b7">Re: I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I Eloped, but i still want to have a wedding! Help! : Sweetie, hate to burst your bubble, but 3 out of 4 of the 'references' cited are books written by pros in the wedding industry.  That means they're out to make MONEY.  And the more big shindigs that are thrown, the more MONEY they make.  <strong><font color="#0000ff">Taking etiquette advice from these kinds of sources is equivalent to taking a used car salesman's word on the mechanical soundness of a car before buying it. 
</font></strong>Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Agreed. 100%.

rosedewolf

there is absolutely no reason that you can not have an additional wedding ceremony.  anyone who would feel forced to come to a vow renewal or whatever u call it doesnt have to show

Knottie60319403

I agree 100% with Rosedewolf - I am shocked at how many people feel "offended"! My niece is doing this (and has not lied to anyone) and my mother-in-law's sister made a couple of snide remarks about it. My question - is this really who you even want to come to the renewal? Why have some mean person that is going to be looking down her nose at you all night. The days of Emily Post standards are way behind us (like it or not)

Do what you want to do and hopefully the only people that show up will be people that love you, are happy for you, and want to share in your celebration. They need to remember that you are spending money on them (if it is a small celbration or an elabrorate celebration it still cost money to have them attend) I wish you all the best and hope that on your special day (YES - it IS your day) you are surrounded by smiling happy people that love you.

Jells2dot0

This post is over 2 years old. This topic is being actively discussed elsewhere on these forums and the advice is still the same: host an awesome celebration and don't have a re-do. I eloped and didn't tell anyone and that doesn't make my wedding invalid or not good enough.

AddieCake

Oh, good. Another zombie thread dug up for a newbienumbers to complain with. @KnotPorscha‌

danamw

If there were no secrets about being already married, I would go to a party, celebrating the marriage. But not if it is called a wedding, or a reception, just a party or a celebration.

But walking down the aisle, and redoing the vows, no. Nothing like pretending you aren't married, and "getting married" for the first time.

If you do that, invitees will feel like it is a gift grab. For gosh sakes, no showers.

chibiyui

Knottie60319403 said:

I agree 100% with Rosedewolf - I am shocked at how many people feel "offended"! My niece is doing this (and has not lied to anyone) and my mother-in-law's sister made a couple of snide remarks about it. My question - is this really who you even want to come to the renewal? Why have some mean person that is going to be looking down her nose at you all night. The days of Emily Post standards are way behind us (like it or not)

Do what you want to do and hopefully the only people that show up will be people that love you, are happy for you, and want to share in your celebration. They need to remember that you are spending money on them (if it is a small celbration or an elabrorate celebration it still cost money to have them attend) I wish you all the best and hope that on your special day (YES - it IS your day) you are surrounded by smiling happy people that love you.

Wow. Just wow. 

Spending money does not equal caring about people. And it doesn't mean those people owe you anything.