Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Conflicting Religions

I'll be straight to the point. My fiance and I are pagan (no, we do not worship the devil, and if you have any questions, please feel free to PM me and I would be more than happy to answer any questions you have). But, all of our family is Christian. They do not know about our religion because we want to keep the relationships we have with them intact. We respect their religion, and have no problem abiding by their rules and customs when we are in their home. But, they same rules would not apply if any of our family found out about us.

That being said, we are having a ver traditional and formal wedding, be we have been discussing some ideas about incorporating a few pagan/handfasting traditions in the ceremony as well. We don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or give away that we are pagan (I don't think our family would realize that the customs are pagan- they just would think we are weird).

I just don't know if we should do so or not, and simply have a Christian wedding to appease our family and have a private ceremony with just us two for our own religious purposes/customs.

Thank you for any input!

*Note: I am not here to offend anyone. I'm not trying to push my religion on you in anyway. I respect all religions of the world as long as they do no harm to anyone. So, I ask that you please do not take offense to my post. If it bothers you, I politely ask they you do not post anything at all and go about your day. Thank you.
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Re: Conflicting Religions

  • Coming from a traditional Christian household, I had issues with my family by dating, living with, and getting engaged to someone that wasn't Christian.  My father went to Bible college, is a youth minister, etc etc. Personally, I've been there, done that in terms of keeping certain things away from the family members to keep the relationships "intact."  At some point, stuff comes out, and the longer the delay, the worse it is.  Because my dad was blind sided by a few of my decisions, it made his reaction that much worse.  He threatened to disown me, never to accept him, etc etc.  Things aren't perfect, but given the time to adjust, they are slowly coming around.  If I could do it over, I'd be blunt about my beliefs from the beginning.

    If I were you, i'd just tell the family, and incorporate whatever customs are meaningful to both your family and you and your FI.  Your wedding date is in 2012--plenty of time to let the family adjust to the idea.  I personally think that if you're mature enough to handle marriage, you are mature enough to share your own religious convictions with your family.  Family acceptance is meaningless if they're accepting an edited version of you.  

    Keep in mind that this could come back to haunt your FI as well--they think they're getting a Christian son-in-law.  The second the truth comes out, they'll feel deceived, and I bet anything they will forgive you before they forgive him.
  • If it helps, and you may already know this but, most Christian rituals and traditions stem from pagan roots that the church adopted to gain converts in the early years.  Zeitgeist is a very thought provoking documentary if you have some spare time.     

    That said, I think you can have more earthy type elements in a christian wedding without giving anything away.  But I do agree with the previous girl that eventually its all going to come out... 
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  • Honestly, I find it most troublesome that you are not willing to be honest with your families about your beliefs.  I don't think you should have a Christian ceremony, as that would mean nothing to you, and be kind of a sham.

    I think your wedding is a good time to "come out" about your beliefs, and have a ceremony that reflects your views. 
  • Do you still live at home?  My last year with my mom, I was starting to question the whole Catholic thing, but I didn't want to make waves, so I still went to church and youth group and all of that.  It wasn't until I left for college that I felt free to explore what I truly believed.  So I understand where you're coming from with that.

    But at the same time, if you're old enough to be getting married, you're old enough to face your parents adult-to-adult and tell them what you believe.  My parents aren't terribly pleased that I'm not having a religious wedding, but they're not the ones taking vows that they're expected to abide by, so they get to deal.  I think that if you make any promise on your wedding day that you don't intend to keep (like the promise to raise your children in the particular church, which is part of most religious ceremonies), then it cheapens every promise you make that day.

    At the end of the day, the only ones who have to be truly happy and comfortable with your wedding ceremony are you and your FI.  Everyone else gets to suck it up.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • My only fear is that if we come out of the closet, we will lose all the money that our families have promised we can have for our wedding. It's over $10,000. Also, it's not just about the money (though a good portion is). My fiance and I both own and operate our own businesses. We don't want word to get around that we are pagan because people may then be uncomfortable coming to us for service (I do animal behavior and care- I don't want people to think I'm going to sacrifice their animal!).

    I am aware that many Christian customs stem from ancient pagan rituals/beliefs. I will have to check out that documentary- thank you! I LOVE history! And I don't mind a Christian wedding too much- I'm honoring part of my heritage as I was raised Christian, and we're not getting married in a church, we are getting married outside.

    Getting married outside is the only way so far we have thought to incorporate anything pagan into our wedding. Thank you for all of your suggestions, though! I really appreciate it, and I will keep them in mind. It's not like I don't have any time to think about this! I'm not getting married until June 2012!
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  • If you aren't Christian, and that is perfectly fine, don't have a Christian ceremony.  Because IMO that is disrepecting the religion.  I'm atheist and I wouldn't dream of having a ceremony based on any religion as it would start the marriage in a lie. Your wedding is in 2012 so save your own money for the wedding if you feel that $10K will be cut off. 

    And own your beliefs!  You sound very apologetic about being pagan.  If it truly important to you and makes you happy, own it.
  • If money's the concern, I'd take the lead on the issue.  Come clean to them now, and if they cut you off, well, you still have two years to save up and do your wedding your way with what you can afford.

    As far as the business thing, if I lived somewhere that people would be so poorly educated and intolerant as to avoid my business simply because of my religion, I'd be relocating somewhere less small-minded in a heartbeat.  You shouldn't have to hide who you are.
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    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Ugh, I can't imagine deceiving my family for whatever reason.  I also plead with you to come clean now.  Would you rather take the money and live a lie or possibly pay for it yourself and have the wedding you and your FI want?

    I also think that once your wedding gets closer and you have to start discussing the ceremony with your parents, it's going to become that much more difficult to hide.  


    Your family loves you and always will and you will always be their daughter and even though it might be hard at first, they will come around.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_conflicting-religions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:4c268309-9b2f-45e3-9afc-6082b1d7b126Post:017d5694-6630-440d-9a92-bbd18dd2993d">Re: Conflicting Religions</a>:
    [QUOTE]My only fear is that if we come out of the closet, we will lose all the money that our families have promised we can have for our wedding. It's over $10,000. 
    Posted by vettechgirl[/QUOTE]

    <div>Well that's just sad.  I don't know what to say to that.  </div><div>
    </div>
  • Don't have a Christian ceremony if that isn't your faith just to make your families happy.  You don't have to throw it in their faces that you are pagan. Just have a non-religous ceremony with a JOP.  I think it's best to be honest with your families.  However, if you want you can just tell them that you aren't particularly religious (and leave out the pagan part).
  • I do believe that handfasting is both a pagan and Christian (in certain ethnicities) tradition. I know that its done in some form as part of an Orthodox ceremony (priest wraps something around the hands) and I've seen it in other Christian ceremonies, but exactly where escapes me. Perhaps it was an Irish ceremony?

    There are several Pagan brides on here that can help you with this, and one used to post here often, but I can't remember her full screenname.
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  • You need to go with your gut.  Whatever type of ceremony you decide to do, make sure it's one you'll be comfortable being in.  I like the secret and "show" ceremony idea, myself (makes me think of Jim and Pam's "Office" wedding...lol). 

    I'm having several elements of the Hebrew/Jewish culture added into our wedding that none but my immediate family know about (we're not Jewish and neither is FI, so there's no excuse there)...both of our extended families will likely flip, but it's my FI and my's day, and we're making vows with our beliefs...if we're not being true to ourselves by expressing our beliefs, then we're not being 100% with the promises we're making.

    It's important to be honest with your family (as others^ have said, it WILL come out eventually), but you really need to think about being true to yourself as well.  This is a life-changing event, no matter what your religion, and it needs to be something YOU want.  This is YOUR commitment to each other, not your family's commitment to you.  Yes, family is an important element to that day, but ultimately it's you two speaking to one another, making promises about your future life together.  :)  $10,000 for a spruced-up wedding or a $50 marriage licence, it boils down to ya'll two.

    That being said, I totally understand evading talking to your family about your religion and just going with the "weird" thing...and I commisserate with not wanting to rock the boat.  But sometimes it's fear that prevents the best things in life. Good luck with whatever you decide!!! :)
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  • I understand your conflicting feelings. I am having issues with my own family and the fact that our beliefs differ. I excpect that they will not be contributing financially because of it, and that puts us in a very bad spot. And it's easier said than done to not have a religious ceremony just because you don't believe something specific that the rest of your family does. The wedding is not just about the two of you, but also about the people you love and who love you.

    So why don't you incorporate a Biblical reading or two (something that you like the message of that doesn't scream Christianity — there's lots of good passage about love that doesn't mention God or Jesus) and still do your handfasting. Having a Unitarian Unitarian minister would be a good officiant for this type of wedding. Just think of it as interfaith.
  • On the one hand I agree that you should be open with your families.  Religious is a huge part of life and to not fill them in on it due to money...I don´t know...it's not something I could do. On the other hand, I think you should have a Christian wedding if you would like to (interfaith as someone else said!) and it's not disrespectful to the religion in my opinion.

     My fiance and I are were both raised in Christian homes (his Catholic, mine Protestant) but he is an atheist now and I am agnostic.  Even with us not being Christian now we are having our wedding in a church because the church is beautiful, we know our families will love it, we are traditional, and we were both raised Christian.  I don't think of it as insulting to the Christian religion because many people attending the ceremony will still believe that God is blessing our union and for us it is just a great way to get married and a way that we and our families will enjoy.

    That said, if you really don't want a Christian wedding I would not do it only for your families...Also, you can never be one hundred percent sure how your family will react.  It told my family early on when my fiance and I started dating that he was an atheist because I knew that keeping it secret would be more trouble in the long run.  My family was surprisingly cool with it even if my mother does still sometimes make jabs about it.

    So...yeah, that's my opinion.  Be honest and be true to who you are.  If who you are is pagans who still want a church wedding go for it!
  • I don't think money for the wedding should be a reason for being in the closet about your faith. I'm not trying to insult you, it just seems extremely childish to say something like that.

    I would come clean with the parents and have the ceremony that means something to you and your FI. While I have not "strayed" from the religion I was raised, I did marry somebody who was not of the same faith, and we both felt that getting married in my church was not a good way to represent "us" ... if I'd made a big deal about getting married in the church, DH would have done that for me ... but to me, I thought since the ceremony is supposed to be for the bride and groom, that it would make more sense to have the ceremony reflect both of us.

    Your families should know what's up. I mean, if you decide to have children someday, it's probably going to come up what you plan on teaching them. Come clean now, and if they pull funding from the wedding, just save up and pay for it yourselves. Yes, it's hard to do that, but lots of couples (Including myself and DH) pay for their weddings without help nowadays.


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  • I'm also a pagan who was raised Christian (Catholic, actually).  My FI was raised by Jehovah's Witnesses and identifies as Christian.  Because his beliefs often conflict with mine, and because my family members are all still practicing Catholics, we opted to have a completely non-religious ceremony in order to avoid conflicts.  He wanted to get married in a church but I wanted to get married outdoors...we compromised and are getting married in a nondenominational chapel with a glass wall behind the altar with a fantastic view.  Our officiant will be a judge and I've asked that the cross be removed from the altar prior to our ceremony, since having no religious symbols would be less offensive to my family than having both a cross and a pentacle.  Our readings will be secular rather than biblical.  Try researching handfasting rituals online.  I found a number of sites with ideas for handfasting and you could incorporate some of them into your ceremony without "outing" yourselves.


    A word of advice: eventually, you'll want to come out of the broom closet to your families.  It may be hard for them to accept, but wouldn't you rather be able to be yourselves instead of hiding whenever your families are around?

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  • Yeah, being in the "broom closet" is tough, but being open about it and persecuted can be worse.  Case in point: I have a pentacle on my car.  I have had numerous notes left on my car saying "jesus hearts you!"  Etc.   The thing that bothers me is that I don't leave little notes on the cars that have those fish on them saying  "The Goddess hearts you!"   There is a lot of misconception about Paganism.  I'm right there with you. 

    Because I was still in the broom closet at the time, FI (now DH and I) had a private full-on Pagan handfasting, called quarters, etc.  Then we had a legal ceremony about a year later (the handfasting wasn't a legal wedding because I live in the bible belt, and all the prejudice that goes along with it. )


    I don't think I could be untrue to my faith, but there are ways to incorporate your faith into a ceremony without a lot of people really catching on.  Google subtle handfasting and you'll see tons of examples. 


    I would advise getting married in the Unitarian Universalist church if there's one near you--they are open to all, Christians, Jews, Pagans, Atheists, everyone.  You'll satisfy your family, and yourself. 


    Handfasting is used in a lot of Christian/Celtic ceremonies these days, but it is of Pagan origins, just like jumping the broom, which has been adopted by other cultures and religions.  You can always explain it as it being the "original" wedding ceremony, as it is where the term "tie the knot" comes from. If you're of Celtic descent, you can also explain it to family that way.


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  • I appreciate everyone's opinions. It has helped give me some better insight. Unfortunately, I don't think announcing I am pagan at the same time announcing I am getting married is a good time to come out of the broom closet.

    My FI family found out he was practicing when he was 16 and nearly kicked him out of the house and said he would never get to see his little sister again if he didn't stop. Also, my mother started practicing again after she divorced my father. My dad tried to get custody of my sister and I, claiming that the influences of my mother's religion were detrimental to us. He refused to listen to me (at 12 years old) when I tried to explain to him that she isn't worshipping the devil. I was grounded for a month and had to go to counciling with our pastor and be baptised again (because I had been tainted). Now, my father is even more religious than ever. I think announcing our religion would break everyone's hearts. This would be a sad time, not a time of joy. There is also the very high possibility that our family would shun/disown us (and no, I'm not being mellow dramatic).

    Now, most people would say, "Well, screw them, then, if they're going to act that way!". But it's not that simple. Even though my parents are of a different faith, we very much respect them as people and their morals and values in life. We only have about 3 friends between the two of us, so our family ARE our friends. Losing them would leave us devistated, and feeling alone. We wouldn't have anyone to turn to (our friend turn to us when they are having a hard time- they aren't really emotionally stable enough for us to lean on them- I know that sounds horrible, but it's the honest truth).

    My FI and I are going to have an outdoor wedding and chose flowers and colors and numerology (nine roses for the BM bouquets and 13 for mine- those things) to incorporate wicca into our wedding. I think that is going to be our best option. We'll have to figure things out when we're ready to have kids after our happy day is over. I just can't afford to have this day ruined because I chose the wrong time to come clean about my religion.

    But, I do appreciate everyone's advice and guidance. It's nice to know there are other pagans on here!
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  • I'm sorry you don't feel comfortable coming out of the broom closet to your family.  Based on what you've said, I understand why.  I think it's great that you've found ways to incorporate your beliefs into your ceremony without causing your dad to demand yet another baptism for you. 

    I know very little about pagan traditions/religion (I'm Christian) - they certainly don't teach it in school when you learn about Christianity, Islam, and Buddhism.  I just want to let you know that you've educated me a little bit.  :)
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