He doesn't know he's supposed to pay for the Honeymoon

vmf04

So, my fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. We just started planning and in one of our first 'lay it out there, budget, ideas, etc' meetings, he says "well, just remember, we have the honeymoon to save for as well...it's all part of the whole thing". Now, I'm kind of an old fashioned girl, and I always thought that He was supposed to pay for that. He's kind of a hippie (it is like pulling teeth for him to pick groomsmen, he says it's a burden to others and he doesn't want to register for anything 'we don't need anything new'). Do I mention this somehow or do I just suck it up and help pay for my honeymoon? I really don't mind...as long as my parents don't find out, that I'm helping pay for my own honeymoon...they are the ones that it will matter the most to.

JoanE2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_he-doesnt-know-hes-supposed-to-pay-for-the-honeymoon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:55ac82c1-7753-40fc-a0ee-4573ccb1da80Post:4a52add3-10b0-4a5a-ab06-59df383cd816">He doesn't know he's supposed to pay for the Honeymoon</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. We just started planning and in one of our first 'lay it out there, budget, ideas, etc' meetings, he says "well, just remember, we have the honeymoon to save for as well...it's all part of the whole thing". Now, I'm kind of an old fashioned girl, <strong>and I always thought that He was supposed to pay for that.</strong> He's kind of a hippie (it is like pulling teeth for him to pick groomsmen, he says it's a burden to others and he doesn't want to register for anything 'we don't need anything new'). Do I mention this somehow or do I just suck it up and help pay for my honeymoon? I really don't mind...as long as my parents don't find out, that I'm helping pay for my own honeymoon...they are the ones that it will matter the most to.
Posted by vmf04@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

It sounds very old fashioned.  My FI and I are both saving money in our honeymoon fund.  We also look at all of our income as ours, not mine and yours, so perhaps this is a major difference.

DramaGeek

Our honeymoon was paid for out of our joint account.  H planned it all (and wanted to) but there was never any thought of it being "his money" that paid for it since it was all our money once we were married.

Honestly, it seems really old fashiond and, quite honestly, sexist to expect that he will pay for a vacation for both of you.  Unless, of course, you want to give him complete control over the plans.

Avion22

When you get married, it becomes YOUR money, so "him paying for the honeymoon" really means "both of you paying for the honeymoon."   

If you want him to plan it, then let him plan it.   But yeah, unless someone else pays for your honeymoon as a gift, then you two will pay for it together with "your" money.  If you are paying for the rest of the wedding yourself, then it makes sense to plan for it in your overall wedding budget.

kmmssg

It seems like you are playing the "tradition" card here.  The old groom pays for the honeymoon tradition was created 50+ years ago when the tradition of the bride's parents paying for the wedding was created.  Of course, weddings were at 2 pm on Saturday at her church and there was cake and punch in the social hall afterwards.  No dinners, no alcohol, no venues, no DJ, etc.  Oh, and honeymoons were actually paid for by his parents and consisted of a quick trip to Niagra Falls.

You guys are paying for your wedding, so why wouldn't you guys be paying for the honeymoon rather than pulling out some old tradition?

[Deleted User]

First you guys are paying for your own wedding which already breaks "tradition" so no reason to have to stick to "tradition" for the honeymoon.

I have a bigger concern for you though is that if you are set on the tradition for him to be the one to say for the honeymoon, what about other traditions beyond the wedding? Like because he is the man should he be the one who deals with any home repair issues & mowing the lawn & taking care of the cars, etc? I'm not saying that it's a wrong way to live, but just make sure he's on board with what you view a husbands role is before you say I do. For that matter that you agree with his views of what a wifes responsibility are.. Some traditional roles are still great, but you have to be open to the idea of something different. But the important thing is to talk about those things (if you haven't already) before you say I do. Because however that person is before you say I do, is the person they will be after you say I do.

renegade gaucho

I doubt you're all that old-fashioned.  You probably don't subscribe to the traditional ideas that women are the property of their husbands, that they're too silly and weak-minded to handle the responsibility of voting or owning property or having credit in their own name, and that they're too stupid and emotionally fragile to be doctors or lawyers or leaders.  Back in the day, it was customary for the groom to hang the bloody sheets out of the bedroom window the day after the wedding to prove to the whole town that his new wife was a virgin and he had deflowered her.  Are you going to be following that tradition, too?

That said, why on earth would your parents know anything about your finances?  The only way they would find out who paid for your honeymoon would be if you told them, and if you're still that attached to mommy and daddy, you are not ready to get married.  Whenever they ask you anything about your financial matters, you need to tell them not to worry about it because it's between you and your fiance.

GoodLuckBear14

Wait a minute.  You are both paying for the wedding (traditionally the bride's family's responsibility) yet you are "old fashioned" and don't want to pay for the honeymoon because that is the groom's (actually the groom's family's) responsibility.  Yeah.  That makes all kinds of sense.  How about you offer to foot the whole wedding yourself before you tell your FI he has to pay for the whole honeymoon?  If I were him, I'd take that deal in half a heartbeat.

renegade gaucho

Oh, and if you're old-fashioned (although I think we've established that you're selective about that) and he is not, I hope you've talked about how you're going to actually live together after the wedding.  Your differences aren't going to go away just because you exchange rings.

ElleB87

Why would your parents care who pays for your honeymoon?? Why do you care if your parents care?? Something is off here.

And for the record:
You don't need to have BM's and GM's. Some people just don't want to have them and that's fine. Your FI isn't obligated to have anyone stand up for him. Don't force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

You seem oddly selective about which "old fashioned traditions" you adhere to. If you expect him to pay for the honeymoon, I guess you expect your parents to pay for the wedding itself?

You don't have to register if you don't want to. It's meant to be a convenience for your guests so it's nice to have a small registry but it's not absolutely necessary. If your FI is uncomfortable with having a registry I think you need to take his thoughts and opinions into consideration.

Like PP said, your differences aren't going to disappear once you exchange rings and it seems like you and your FI are polar opposites.

A&B2013

This is interesting! I've never heard of this tradition. Traditionally in my family, no one has ever gone on a honey moon. They would invest their money in buying a new home. My FI parents didn't either, but, um... they kind of had a shot gun wedding! So they had other expenses to worry about! HAHA! We're planning on back packing Europe, but we both intend to pay for it (we're also paying for our wedding). We're also not registering for gifts because, like your FI, we feel like we have enough stuff! So whatever cash anyone gives us we're going to use towards the honeymoon. If you are both paying for the honeymoon, that means you both get to plan it. So, win/win I would think. If you feel like you wouldn't be able to contribute as much to it as he would be able to, then just have an honest discussion about it and come up with a budget that works for both of you. Best of luck!

TaraKeeley

If you're getting married, you're combining finances, aren't you? It can be hard to give up financial independence and having "your own" money, but that's marriage. It's a partnership, and money is a huge part of that.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_he-doesnt-know-hes-supposed-to-pay-for-the-honeymoon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:55ac82c1-7753-40fc-a0ee-4573ccb1da80Post:51d3abc0-f058-47b1-8799-4e11a43a6c14">Re: He doesn't know he's supposed to pay for the Honeymoon</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're getting married, you're combining finances, aren't you? It can be hard to give up financial independence and having "your own" money, but that's marriage. It's a partnership, and money is a huge part of that.
Posted by TaraKeeley[/QUOTE]

A lot of couples keep individual accounts still along with joint accounts.  Others never do  combine them.

lcatterton

My thoughts exactly Stage! We're going to keep our money separate except for what we need to throw together for bills each month.

This is an interesting question. I've never heard of the groom or groom's family being responsible for the honeymoon. I guess you learn something new everyday! I'd say you're better off just paying for everything together.

Now, why would your parents be upset if he didn't pay for the honeymoon? That seems silly, especially if they aren't paying for the wedding!!

NOLAbridealmost

I have heard that it's traditional for the groom and/or groom's family to pay for the honeymoon.  But I've never heard someone seem worried about what their parents will think if that doesn't happen. What's up with that, OP?

MyNameIsNot

The tradition that he pays comes from a time when the bride couldn't work.  It was the same as the couple paying.  

Even if you don't combine finances into one account, it's still collective your resources.  

It's none of your parents' business how you fund the wedding or the honeymoon.  If you are still discussing the details of your finances with them, you really need to make some changes before the wedding.  

lagonza

I think that there are a lot of ways you can approach this issue.  I can't judge a relationship based solely on your original post, but the workbook set "Saving your marriage before it starts" may be one to consider.  It helps you look at your ideals through simple exercises so that you can work them out.  It may help you to talk about these topics in a less offensive way, helping you both to work out where you stand on tradition vs reality.  It does have Christian overtones, but it's not a really biblical book.

Ajuliana

My new SIL told her FIL (my dad) that he was supposed to pay for the honeymoon.  And he did it.  I think it all depends on which ettiquette book you're reading.  Still, don't you want some input in where you go?

bellasmomma716

I personally got lucky. No gonna lie, LUCKY. FFIL dad offered to pay for the airfare and my godparents offered their timeshare. But even if they hadn't, we would've just added it into the wedding expenses for both of us to pay (truth be told, I am paying more for the wedding because my FI is in school and only works as much as he can around his school schedule but he would also be totally fine with just a run to city hall so I'm really paying for being the expensive one in the relationship LOL). If that meant a more modest honeymoon to the coast for a week as opposed to somewhere tropical, so be it. It's the time to celebrate being married to one another, so as long as you're together the rest is just details.

tally7

hmm never heard the man is supposed to pay for it -- also its really none of your parent's business who pays for it -

brittonyzammit

If your worried about who will pay and he doesn't want to register for "new" things have you ever seen sites where you can register for your honeymoon? People can buy you things like a bottle of wine at dinner, etc. It's pretty fun! I had a friend who did it and if you don't need new things it still gives your guests a way to give you something more personal than money in a card.

marshaa8

I understand why you feel that way, but in reality, after your married, yours is his and his is yours, so you find a way to make it work together- doesn't mean you have to combine bank accounts yet if you don't want to.  We both saved for the honeymoon the best we could (most was from wedding money though), but I let him be the one to actually take out the credit c.ard and pay for things when we were on our honeymoon (even though it's our money).  Don't worry about it much, it's a romantic notion, but in reality just look at it as both of you together making it work.

marshaa8

Oh, and usually guys don't just "know" about things like that- if you're hoping that he'll just "know" something, you either have to bring it up or let it go- it will go a long ways in marriage.  I've felt like that about certain things, but if you grew up differently, many things you may not agree on even though you took it for granted.  I totally understand where you're coming from, though.

WonderfulSavior

My Fiance and I are paying for everything ourselves...down to the Honeymoon and even my dress!  Because as others have already said- it's BOTH of your money after marriage.
sure someone people have separate accounts but be prepared for the reality of two becoming ONE...in all ways... ; )
Good luck!  It will all work out.

K27Lynn

The only time I've heard of the groom paying for, let alone planning the whole honeymoon, was when an accquaintances husband was active in the military so they spent months (and still are) apart. He surprised his bride with a trip to Italy instead of staying home together before he went back to duty.

Dreamergirl8812

Once you're married you share your money. So why would it all come from his account?

Register on Honeyfund. That's what we're doing.



In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_he-doesnt-know-hes-supposed-to-pay-for-the-honeymoon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:55ac82c1-7753-40fc-a0ee-4573ccb1da80Post:4a52add3-10b0-4a5a-ab06-59df383cd816">He doesn't know he's supposed to pay for the Honeymoon</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. We just started planning and in one of our first 'lay it out there, budget, ideas, etc' meetings, he says "well, just remember, we have the honeymoon to save for as well...it's all part of the whole thing". Now, I'm kind of an old fashioned girl, and I always thought that He was supposed to pay for that. He's kind of a hippie (it is like pulling teeth for him to pick groomsmen, he says it's a burden to others and he doesn't want to register for anything 'we don't need anything new'). Do I mention this somehow or do I just suck it up and help pay for my honeymoon? I really don't mind...as long as my parents don't find out, that I'm helping pay for my own honeymoon...they are the ones that it will matter the most to.
Posted by vmf04@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

Dreamergirl8812

Plus, you said you are paying for the wedding and not your parents. That's not old fashioned. Why are you old fashioned about the honeymoon finanes and not the wedding?


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_he-doesnt-know-hes-supposed-to-pay-for-the-honeymoon?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:55ac82c1-7753-40fc-a0ee-4573ccb1da80Post:4a52add3-10b0-4a5a-ab06-59df383cd816">He doesn't know he's supposed to pay for the Honeymoon</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my fiance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. We just started planning and in one of our first 'lay it out there, budget, ideas, etc' meetings, he says "well, just remember, we have the honeymoon to save for as well...it's all part of the whole thing". Now, I'm kind of an old fashioned girl, and I always thought that He was supposed to pay for that. He's kind of a hippie (it is like pulling teeth for him to pick groomsmen, he says it's a burden to others and he doesn't want to register for anything 'we don't need anything new'). Do I mention this somehow or do I just suck it up and help pay for my honeymoon? I really don't mind...as long as my parents don't find out, that I'm helping pay for my own honeymoon...they are the ones that it will matter the most to.
Posted by vmf04@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]