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Customs and Traditions

Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married

So we've been planning our wedding for a while now, the date is in October, it's January and the topic of lisences comes up, and I told my mom about Virginia laws, since we decided to get legally married as soon as he gets out of the military, so he can be covered under my insurance and we're both protected incase something happens (paranoia, maybe but I think it's responsible and logical).
Mom and Dad do not like this idea at all, they say it takes away from the beauty of a wedding and it negates the entire ceremony day. They also said if we do this, they don't think we need a whole grand wedding in October. So, basically hanging the fact that they're paying for it over my head.
My fiance and I think that the ceremony is what is truely the wedding, joining of lives/families and the exchanging of vows and rings and celebrating it is the most important part, not the paperwork that we are going to sign. I, honestly, see no legal aspect of the ceremony, and October would be our true wedding day, not sometime where we sign papers.
Not sure what to do! Waiting for opinions, and then we'll go back and discuss it with my parents again. I'm hurt and sad that they would hang money over my head because of something they believe in.
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Re: Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married

  • Listen to Stage... and your mother. She is 100% correct. Go to the military brides board- they don't like this idea either. 

  • Your mom is right.

    Ditto everything Stage said.
     
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:8fec0839-4577-437e-a43d-d565b498a164">Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]So we've been planning our wedding for a while now, the date is in October, it's January and the topic of lisences comes up, and I told my mom about Virginia laws, since we decided to get legally married as soon as he gets out of the military, so he can be covered under my insurance and we're both protected incase something happens (paranoia, maybe but I think it's responsible and logical). Mom and Dad do not like this idea at all, they say it takes away from the beauty of a wedding and it negates the entire ceremony day. They also said if we do this, they don't think we need a whole grand wedding in October. So, basically hanging the fact that they're paying for it over my head. My fiance and I think that the ceremony is what is truely the wedding, joining of lives/families and the exchanging of vows and rings and celebrating it is the most important part, not the paperwork that we are going to sign. I, honestly, see no legal aspect of the ceremony, and October would be our true wedding day, not sometime where we sign papers. Not sure what to do! Waiting for opinions, and then we'll go back and discuss it with my parents again. I'm hurt and sad that they would hang money over my head because of something they believe in.
    Posted by careychelsea[/QUOTE]

    I'm with your parents.
  • Is there a reason your fiance can't stay in the military until you're married so he'll continue to have health insurance?

    As in all aspects of life, when someone else is paying for you, often there are conditions attached.  The cost of a wedding isn't chump change, so I can understand why your mom would reconsider her offer to pay when you will already be married.  Even if this were going to be your legal wedding, too, your mom wouldn't be obligated to pay.

    If you insist on going ahead with your plans, you must let all of your guests know that it's a vow renewal, not a wedding, and it sounds like you will have to pay for it yourselves.  If you're mature enough to get married, you should be mature enough to accept the consequences of your choices and to pay your own way.
  • I am a 3 time MOB AND a retired 26 yr veteran.  I also would not pay for what you are proposing if you were one of my girls.  I am not paying for all the bells and whistles of a wedding when it isn't a wedding.  It is a vow renewal.

    I am curious - do you plan to tell everyone you are already married (if you go through with this) or is the plan to keep it a secret?

  • Your parents are right.

    btw - how old are you?
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • itzMSitzMS member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited January 2013
    IMHO, as a military fiance, you should know more than the average person that life is about sacrifices.

    If you and FI choose to marry very soon for legal/personal reasons, then that's what you do as two consenting adults. In turn, you may have to sacrifice by not having the "wedding of your dreams".

    There is a great deal of outprocessing that occurs with being discharged from the military and tons of resources and assistance provided. Your FI won't be left out to dry in terms of health insurance, I can guarantee that.
  • Your mother is right.  Why should mom and dad be expected to pay for a fake wedding?  Heck, I'm not an advocate of parents paying for real weddings, so expecting them to pay for a re-enactment of a perfectly legal wedding ceremony seems ridiculous to me.

  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:8fec0839-4577-437e-a43d-d565b498a164">Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE][ Waiting for opinions, and then we'll go back and discuss it with my parents again. I'm hurt and sad that they would hang money over my head because of something they believe in.
    Posted by careychelsea[/QUOTE]

    Your parents are probably hurt and sad that you would expect them to pay for a do-over wedding. They are not obligated to pay for your wedding at all, real or fake. If you decide to accept your parents very generous offer and conditions, then your fi should man up and pay for his own insurance for the interim.
                       
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Your mom is a wise person.  Listen to her.  The day you legally marry, is your wedding day.  Anything after that is either a fraud on your guests or changed to a vow renewal.

    FWIW: My H had no insurance for about a year before we even got engaged.  Yes, we could have rushed to the court house after he proposed, just to get him on my insurance.  But we both felt that it was important to get married in our Church.  We made an adult decision and stuck with it. 
  • If you're already married, why do you need a wedding? You already had one...
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:c69036fc-044d-466d-bdbe-7304d6ec5597">Re: Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your mother is right.  Why should mom and dad be expected to pay for a fake wedding ?  <strong>Heck, I'm not an advocate of parents paying for real weddings, so expecting them to pay for a re-enactment of a perfectly legal wedding ceremony seems ridiculous to me.</strong>
    Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]
    Exactly
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Your mother is right.  If you really think the ceremony that joins you together is the important thing, then you need to recognize that your legal ceremony, however austere and dull it may seem to you, is your wedding because it does exactly that. 

    Having it means that anything that comes after that is not your "wedding" because you are already married.  You can have a big party to celebrate, but it won't be your "wedding reception."
  • ditto EVERYONE. Also, I'm calling MUD.
    Praying for a miracle!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:8fec0839-4577-437e-a43d-d565b498a164">Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]So we've been planning our wedding for a while now, the date is in October, it's January and the topic of lisences comes up, and I told my mom about Virginia laws, since we decided to get legally married as soon as he gets out of the military, so he can be covered under my insurance and we're both protected incase something happens (paranoia, maybe but I think it's responsible and logical). Mom and Dad do not like this idea at all, they say it takes away from the beauty of a wedding and it negates the entire ceremony day. They also said if we do this, they don't think we need a whole grand wedding in October. So, basically hanging the fact that they're paying for it over my head.<strong> My fiance and I think that the ceremony is what is truely the wedding, joining of lives/families and the exchanging of vows and rings and celebrating it is the most important part, not the paperwork that we are going to sign. I, honestly, see no legal aspect of the ceremony, and October would be our true wedding day, not sometime where we sign papers. Not sure what to do!</strong> Waiting for opinions, and then we'll go back and discuss it with my parents again. I'm hurt and sad that they would hang money over my head because of something they believe in.
    Posted by careychelsea[/QUOTE]

    You're not sure what to do? It's simple -- pay for your fake pretty princess day yourself. Or better yet, don't have one at all.

  • Another day, another do-over wedding post.

    OP, you don't get to sign the paperwork until you make  the vows and seal the deal with the exchange of rings, so the day that happens, whether at the courthouse or somewhere else, is your wedding day.
  • Team Mom!

    Your mom can do whatever she wants with her money. That includes choosing to not fund any "play" you want put on because you already got married at the JOP.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
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  • Mom is right. Listen to her and scrap the second do-over "wedding."


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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 Exit 21 (Jersey!) member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:35e9f9d6-7271-4b50-85e8-46fcfd5c25a5">Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married : A main reason that medical care and treatment is so expensive is because of people who are uninsured.  Paying health care consumers overpay to compensate for those who do not.  Being uninsured is irresponsible.  Period. 
    Posted by Sleeper2013[/QUOTE]

    <div>I think you're missing the point.  If you are paying $250 for a high deductible policy, you may still not have the thousands of dollars sitting around if something happens. So you are paying for insurance that you can't even use.</div><div>
    </div><div>Whereas if you don't have health insurance and you aren't spending the $250 a month to put towards that policy, they could put that money towards their savings/whatever to save for when they do have to go the doctor and then they actually have the money to pay the bill then.  Personally, I would rather have someone be able to pay their doctor or medical bill, then have someone with health insurance and not be able to pay their bill.</div>
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  • *slams head against desk* OI VEY, OP

    And to add to the insurance discussion, I purchase my own health insurance.  It's very minimal and I am totally fine with that.  I often pay cash for doctor's visits and I would rather do that than pay for very expensive insurance.  I would never get married just so that I don't have to deal with that issue.  I am responsible for my own health care and I realize this and would never expect others to do so for me.  Of course when we do get married, I'll be going on my FI's insurance (he has excellant coverage), but I wouldn't rush a wedding just to get insurance.

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  • Minor, but to answer the question about him not being able to state in the military till October: his enlistment only lasts so long typically four years. He can't really determine if he stays in. He can re enlist but from there its up to the military. With this rediculous drawdown lots of guys are having a hard time re enlisting. They're kind of pushing guys out. Not that otay validates op. I really don't care one way or the other about two ceremonies but I understand where people are coming from withit being wrong to expect a double ceremony.
  • RamonaFlowersRamonaFlowers member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    [QUOTE]Mmm, actually try more like 250 a month. And as an ADULT who spent 5 years uninsured, nothing pisses me off more than people who act like it's just the cheapest and easiest thing in the world to get insurance. Sometimes you have to choose between paying the insurance bill that covers nothing or actually paying for medical care and treatment. And if you don't have the 3k sitting around to PAY that high deductible plus the 20 to 30 percent of the rest of the treatment costs, that insurance is worthless, since they won't pay a single red cent until YOU pay first.Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    I totally agree with you. I was uninsured for 5 years, too. I couldn't be on my parents' unless I was in school full time after I turned 18, and I didn't have a job that even OFFERED medical insurance, until I was 23, and when THAT came along, it was $85 a week, which I simply could not afford, especially considering that the coverage offered barely covered more than a yearly physical from a GP. So from ages 2025, I went around with no medical insurance, and utilized Family Planning for BC (Because a pregnancy was the last thing my uninsured needed to worry about) and Urgent Care <strong>only when I absolutely had to see a doctor</strong>. Which, in truth, was maybe twice in the entire time I was uninsured. Was I happy doing things that way? No. Was I scared sh!tless that something would happen and I'd be screwed? Oh, hell yeah. But, at the time, <strong>I simply could not afford any type of insurance and still keep a roof over my head. Period.</strong>

    That being said, DH popped the question when we were 23. I knew if I ran off to the JOP just to get medical insurance, that was my wedding, I wasn't allowed to just buy a white dress and put on a play later on and act like the JOP didn't count.

    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
    image

  • In Response to Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married:[QUOTE]Yep, I am not advocating that people should just not have insurance for the heck of it, but this idea that

    a. Everyone can easily get insurance
    B. having insurance is some kind of magic shield that protects you from medical debt and bankruptcy, and
    C. Only lazy, immature, irresponsible people DON'T have it

    Is the reason out healthcare system is so screwed up in the first place. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this. I have a prexisting condition that bars coverage unless part of a group/work plan, and I have been doing freelance work since March. Even if I could get covered, it would be thousands of dollars that I don't have, PLUS the hundreds in monthly medical costs that it wouldn't pay for. I didn't make the "adult decision" because there was no decision to be made, no options. I paid my medical bills out of my own pocket. Plus, I have been looking for work the whole time. The economy isn't exactly in a place where anyone who wants three jobs can get them.
  • Also, to Renegade gaucho, who suggested he just stay in the military until you're married, it doesn't work that way.  The service member signs (re-enlists, if they're an enlisted member) for a number of years.  So, it's not just "oh, well, I'll just stay in until I feel like quitting maybe in 5 months when we're married."  It doesn't work that way.  Even as an officer, you can try to resign your commission, and that isn't always accepted.  It's huge chunks of time commitments.  No less.  Also, with RIFs coming, they may kick some members out.  If he's an officer, and has been passed up twice for a promotion, he's out.  Certain MOS's (Military occupations) may be forced out sooner than others. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
  • I'm guessing OP doesn't like us siding with her mom and isn't coming back.
     
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  • zantsterzantster member
    Eighth Anniversary 500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:8fe545ac-60b5-47b6-8d1b-ea5dd1e7f52a">Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married: This, exactly. If we had paid for personal insurance, we would have had a 400 to 500 a month bill that did absolutely nothing for us. That would have left no money for preventative care OR savings, meaning if one of us had actually had something catastrophic happen, we wouldn't have been able to cover the deductible. That means insurance would not have paid anything on said catastrophic event, we would have been forced to file bankruptcy, and the hospital would have been stuck with the cost. NOT having insurance allowed us to have money to put into savings, pay smaller medical bills outright, and pay off larger medical debts on a payment plan. I hate to tell you, Sleeper, but the "uninsured" aren't what drives up healthcare costs. That's a wedge argument perpetuated by insurance companies. But most uninsured Americans are middle class, blue collar citizens who DO pay their medical bills out of their pocket. The "freeloading poor folks" that everyone accuses of using the ER like a MediQuick clinic? They're by and large on Medicaid.
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
    Except that's not entirely true Stage. Medicaid only covers pregnant women, children, the disabled and in some cases elderly who qualify for both Medicare and Medicaid.  Adult women and men ages 18-65 who are childless, not pregnant and able-bodied do not qualify for Medicaid regardless of income levels unless a state chooses to pay for their coverage outside of federal rules and regulations. Therefore, if poor adults are unemployed and in need of medical attention they would indeed be the ones frequenting the ER regardless of their best intentions. These adults are the ones who make up the majority of the 40+ million uninsured that the Affordable Care Act was targeting with Medicaid expansion because they fell through the cracks.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:0eb03908-1831-4ebe-a026-0b1f1ffade23">Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married : Except that's not entirely true Stage. Medicaid only covers pregnant women, children, the disabled and in some cases elderly who qualify for both Medicare and Medicaid.  Adult women and men ages 18-65 who are childless, not pregnant and able-bodied do not qualify for Medicaid regardless of income levels unless a state chooses to pay for their coverage outside of federal rules and regulations. Therefore, if poor adults are unemployed and in need of medical attention they would indeed be the ones frequenting the ER regardless of their best intentions. These adults are the ones who make up the majority of the 40+ million uninsured that the Affordable Care Act was targeting with Medicaid expansion because they fell through the cracks.
    Posted by zantster[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Just because there is a large number of uninsured Americans does not mean that those Americans do not pay their medical bills.  I have insurance that barely covers anything and I pay the rest of my bills out of pocket and am perfectly satisfied with that solution.  I am more than disturbed that I am  now required to buy more substantial insurance that I will most likely not really use and that will, in the long run, cost me more than simply paying my medical bills out of pocket.  I was was very happy with my insurance situation- as were most Americans before the Affordable Care Act.  I wanted to be left alone by my government and to take care of myself.  Now I'm thanking my lucky stars that I'm getting married to someone with good health insurance through a company because I won't have to independently purchase expensive health insurance- although I'm sure those rates will eventually go up quite a bit too.

    </div>

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:1e5fca70-aa16-4aeb-badf-23d60d8b85b2">Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married : Just because there is a large number of uninsured Americans does not mean that those Americans do not pay their medical bills.  I have insurance that barely covers anything and I pay the rest of my bills out of pocket and am perfectly satisfied with that solution.  I am more than disturbed that I am  now required to buy more substantial insurance that I will most likely not really use and that will, in the long run, cost me more than simply paying my medical bills out of pocket.  I was was very happy with my insurance situation- as were most Americans before the Affordable Care Act.  I wanted to be left alone by my government and to take care of myself.  Now I'm thanking my lucky stars that I'm getting married to someone with good health insurance through a company because I won't have to independently purchase expensive health insurance- although I'm sure those rates will eventually go up quite a bit too.
    Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]
    I never said in my post that no uninsured Americans do not pay their medical bills. I said that unemployed Americans, particularly those with no other source of income e.g. they may have exhausted their unemployment benefits or never qualified for them, would not be able to afford to pay their bills and many times faced with no alternative would be forced to go to the ER, which would not be covered by Medicaid if they are able-bodied, childless adults between 18-65. I am also not debating the virtue or lack thereof as it concerns the ACA. That is a personal opinion and preference. The fact remains that millions of Americans who do not qualify for public insurance, do not have a job, do not have a spouse, do not have a working parent, etc. are unable to pay their medical bills and this leads to hospitals having to pick up this loss contributing to higher overall health care costs.
  • Excuse the use of the double negative.  The first sentence should have read, "I never said in my post that no uninsured Americans pay their medical bills."
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