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Customs and Traditions

Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married

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Re: Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:1e5fca70-aa16-4aeb-badf-23d60d8b85b2">Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I have insurance that barely covers anything and I pay the rest of my bills out of pocket and am perfectly satisfied with that solution.  I am more than disturbed that I am  now required to buy more substantial insurance that I will most likely not really use and that will, in the long run, cost me more than simply paying my medical bills out of pocket.  
    Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]
    Also, I almost forgot that if you are under 30 years of age the ACA does not require you to purchase insurance beyond one similar to the current one you may have that covers only catastrophic coverage.  It's a moot point now that you're getting married and joining your DH's plan.  But if you were not and were under 30 you would still be within the law.  Also, depending on your income, any insurance that you purchased through the ACA after 30 would be offset by a combo of tax credits and cost-sharing subsidies to keep costs low.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:8fec0839-4577-437e-a43d-d565b498a164">Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]So we've been planning our wedding for a while now, the date is in October, it's January and the topic of lisences comes up, and I told my mom about Virginia laws, since we decided to get legally married as soon as he gets out of the military, so he can be covered under my insurance and we're both protected incase something happens (paranoia, maybe but I think it's responsible and logical). Mom and Dad do not like this idea at all, they say it takes away from the beauty of a wedding and it negates the entire ceremony day. They also said if we do this, they don't think we need a whole grand wedding in October. So, basically hanging the fact that they're paying for it over my head. My fiance and I think that the ceremony is what is truely the wedding, joining of lives/families and the exchanging of vows and rings and celebrating it is the most important part, not the paperwork that we are going to sign. I, honestly, see no legal aspect of the ceremony, and October would be our true wedding day, not sometime where we sign papers. Not sure what to do! Waiting for opinions, and then we'll go back and discuss it with my parents again.<strong> I'm hurt and sad that they would hang money over my head because of something they believe in.</strong>
    Posted by careychelsea[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I agree with pretty much all the posts responding to this one (I don't want to get in the middle of an insurance argument...) but can I point out how immature, bratty, self-centered and downright shltty this sentence is?!?! They should absolutely use their money how they believe it should be spent. The money is your mother's to do with as she pleases. She is generous enough to offer to pay for your wedding and you're being a self-centered snob about it. She is smart enough to not want to pay a pretty large chunk of money (even small, "budget" weddings are pretty expensive) on what is essentially, bullshlt. It would NOT be a wedding but a fabricated performance. </div><div>
    </div><div>If you want to have your tacky fake pretty princess day, grow the f up and pay for it yourself. If I were your mother, I wouldn't pay a damn dollar for anything, just because of your shltty entitled attitude. 

    </div>
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I missed the start of the insurance bruhaha, but I want to Ditto Stage, rsanna, and Retread.  It's not always feasible for someone to get a low cost plan. 
  • edited January 2013
    I'd just like to add something to the health insurance discussion that no one else has mentioned.  (sorry, OP, your topic's shortcomings have been discussed ad naseum). 

    When you get health insurance, even if you have a high-deductible crappy plan (like mine!), you can still get a huge financial break by having insurance if you use providers that are within the network.   

    Health insurance companies, in addition to paying bills once you've reached your deductible, also negotiate for a much lower contracted rate for services within their network of providers than what you'd pay if you were completely uninsured. 

    I deal with this all the time in my line of work (I'm an injury lawyer). 

    Take three people:  person A is uninsured, person B has health insurance with a high deductible, person C has awesome insurance w/ little or no deductible. 

    The ER will bill, say, 2000 for the services provided. 

    Person A owes 2000 dollars (but can often negotiate a self-pay discount) and then the bill's balance would be zero.

    Person B's insurance company doesn't pay anything, but because the hospital was in-network, they negotiate a contractual write off.  So health insurance pays nothing, but the hospital will still give the lower contractual rate (say, 300 dollars instead of 2,000).  So person B gets stuck paying 300 which is applied towards the deductible and then the bill's balance is zero.

    Person C's hospital writes also writes off everything but 300 just like Person B.  But person C's health insurance will actually make a payment and Person C pays anything that insurance doesn't pay in the form of a co-payment or part of a co-insurance plan. So ER would bill 2000, write off everything but 300, insurance might pay, say, 250, and then Person C pays a 50 dollar copay and the balance ends up at zero. 

    Just wanted to put out there that even if you have a crazy high deductible, you'll still see some benefits from the insurance any time you need care if you stay within network.   Whether or not those discounts offset the monthly premiums is another story.....
  • You're parents are right, downsize your wedding if you can't plan the big wedding of your dreams in a shorter time frame.

    I totally understand why you want to get married sooner, my sister & her fiance moved up their wedding date by over a 18 months because of it. They were going to have a big lavish wedding even though it was a second wedding for both of them and needed time to save up but then he lost his health insurance for him & his kids and what they would have spent to get insurance was going to eat away all the wedding money so they went simpler and got married sooner for the health insurance. But they had one special day.

    Do you really want to deprive yourself of the butterfly feelings in your stomach as your walking down the isle knowing that this man is about to become your husband and the rush of excitment when you say I do to him in front over everyone you love?
  • One of my friends had a whole wedding planned out - and then her FI needed health insurance. They got married in their living room with just family around them. That was their wedding day, they are still just as married and they have a healthy baby girl. Does she wish she could have done the big white dress? I'm sure she does, but she doesn't regret her decision one bit.
     Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • jlm9113jlm9113 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    Having spent over a grand on a dentist bill this morning, I'm going to go ahead and say:  OP you are 100% in the wrong.

    My fiance has dental insurance, so, sure, we could go to the courthouse and get married so I don't have to pay out through the nose to go to the dentist.  We made the joint decision that we wanted our friends and family at the ceremony (and reception afterwards).  So, guess what?  We're waiting and I spent over $1000 at the dentist this morning.

    Welcome to being an adult and making mature choices.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • OP, my husband and I are both in the military and got married last June by a JOP for military reasons. We are planning our dream wedding for this summer. My parents have contributed money because even though they were not there last June, they want to see us have a wedding where we recite our vows and join our two families together. I do not see anything wrong with what you are doing. I don't understand how everyone says you only get one wedding and the second would be a vow renewal. Why would anyone get upset that you are reciting vows as if it was the first time? I did not plan on telling my extended family I was married but my husband wore his ring to my grandmothers funeral and instead of asking him to remove it ( which I would never do), I just explained why we got married last year. Guess what, everyone was excited, no one was angry or upset and no one had the nerve to tell me I couldn't have a "wedding" (they all received my STD by then). I always wanted a wedding and I'm not going to miss mine just because military stuff got in the way. If your mom doesn't chip in, that sucks, but that is her choice. If you marry early will she not attend your "real wedding" (this is what I call mine, my first was the "technical" one)? That's something to think about. And just because ten people tell you something it doesn't mean it is right for you. Follow your heart.
  • In Response to Re:Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married:[QUOTE]OP, my husband and I are both in the military and got married last June by a JOP for military reasons. We are planning our dream wedding for this summer. My parents have contributed money because even though they were not there last June, they want to see us have a wedding where we recite our vows and join our two families together. I do not see anything wrong with what you are doing. I don't understand how everyone says you only get one wedding and the second would be a vow renewal. Why would anyone get upset that you are reciting vows as if it was the first time? I did not plan on telling my extended family I was married but my husband wore his ring to my grandmothers funeral and instead of asking him to remove it which I would never do, I just explained why we got married last year. Guess what, everyone was excited, no one was angry or upset and no one had the nerve to tell me I couldn't have a "wedding" they all received my STD by then. I always wanted a wedding and I'm not going to miss mine just because military stuff got in the way.


    If your mom doesn't chip in, that sucks, but that is her choice. If you marry early will she not attend your "real wedding" this is what I call mine, my first was the "technical" one? That's something to think about.

    And just because ten people tell you something it doesn't mean it is right for you. Follow your heart. Posted by roxyeons[/QUOTE]
    Horrible, horrible advice. Really, your "technical wedding" and your "real wedding"? Why not be honest and call them your wedding and your reenactment? If a sampling of strangers on the internet are telling you something, chances are high that someone in your guest list feels the same way and has enough tact not to break it to you.

    photo fancy-as-fuck.jpg
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:16bb7b0a-d166-43d7-aa2f-03bea3a5b49c">Re: Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP, my husband and I are both in the military and got married last June by a JOP for military reasons. We are planning our dream wedding for this summer. My parents have contributed money because even though they were not there last June, they want to see us have a wedding where we recite our vows and join our two families together. I do not see anything wrong with what you are doing. I don't understand how everyone says you only get one wedding and the second would be a vow renewal. Why would anyone get upset that you are reciting vows as if it was the first time? I did not plan on telling my extended family I was married but my husband wore his ring to my grandmothers funeral and instead of asking him to remove it ( which I would never do), I just explained why we got married last year. <strong>Guess what, everyone was excited, no one was angry or upset and no one had the nerve to tell me I couldn't have a "wedding" (they all received my STD by then).</strong> I always wanted a wedding and I'm not going to miss mine just because military stuff got in the way. If your mom doesn't chip in, that sucks, but that is her choice. If you marry early will she not attend your "real wedding" (this is what I call mine, my first was the "technical" one)? That's something to think about. And just because ten people tell you something it doesn't mean it is right for you. Follow your heart.
    Posted by roxyeons[/QUOTE]

    Guess what?  Your family has better manners than you do.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_mom-doesnt-want-to-pay-for-wedding-if-already-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:6377dd58-8047-4001-83da-7ccc2756689ePost:16bb7b0a-d166-43d7-aa2f-03bea3a5b49c">Re: Mom doesn't want to pay for wedding if already married</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP, my husband and I are both in the military and got married last June by a JOP for military reasons. We are planning our dream wedding for this summer. My parents have contributed money because even though they were not there last June, they want to see us have a wedding where we recite our vows and join our two families together. I do not see anything wrong with what you are doing. I don't understand how everyone says you only get one wedding and the second would be a vow renewal. Why would anyone get upset that you are reciting vows as if it was the first time? I did not plan on telling my extended family I was married but my husband wore his ring to my grandmothers funeral and instead of asking him to remove it ( which I would never do), I just explained why we got married last year. Guess what, everyone was excited, no one was angry or upset and no one had the nerve to tell me I couldn't have a "wedding" (they all received my STD by then). I always wanted a wedding and I'm not going to miss mine just because military stuff got in the way. If your mom doesn't chip in, that sucks, but that is her choice. If you marry early will she not attend<strong> your "real wedding" (this is what I call mine, my first was the "technical" one)</strong>? That's something to think about. And just because ten people tell you something it doesn't mean it is right for you. Follow your heart.
    Posted by roxyeons[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>So basically, people who get married at a JOP only had a 'technical' wedding, not a 'real' wedding?  Well that's nice...I guess I should tell several of my friends that their marriage is less valid than mine because I had a formal wedding and they only went to the JOP.  Do you have any idea how offensive that reasoning is?</div><div>
    </div><div>Personally, I'm not as opposed to 'do-overs' as some other posters here, but only in certain circumstances (the OP's is not one of them as they have other options, not to mention she's acting like a spoiled brat complaining that her parents won't pay for it)...but it's NEVER okay to disrespect anyone's marriage by saying you didn't have a 'real' wedding because you got married at a JOP.  So if you are going to spew bad advice about getting married and then having a formal ceremony later even though it's a HUGE etiquette faux pas, at least have the decency to respect others' choices by not degrading your legal marriage....</div><div>
    </div>
    Anniversary
  • DAMILDAMIL member
    First Comment
    edited January 2013
    Listen to your mom.  And as for insurance, my 26 year old son just got insurance for a bit more than $100/month until he gets married. Don't gamble.  He has already had to use it.
  • I've never joined a forum just to disagree with people publically, but man, felt like I needed to here. First off, let me say that your parents or anyone else can pay or not pay for whatever they'd like. It's their money and it's your choice on whether to accept their conditions in return for it.

    But this idea of waiting and spending thousands of dollars on insurance, etc. and calling it a "mature" decision is, in fact, really bad decision making. No wonder our country is in so much financial trouble. It's an affectation that could seriously affect either your health or financial stability the rest of your life if something bad happens.

    My feelings are that the wedding ceremony itself is all purely show anyway, so who really cares if it's earlier or later or whatever. I've known people who have gotten their certificate signed earlier and still had a formal ceremony and it didn't bother me one bit. Calling it a sham wedding or playacting really just misses the point.

    I've been tempted to do the same thing. Turns out we're actually just going to wait, but we don't having any pressing reasons like health insurance since we're both covered already. But what do I know. I'm paying for the whole wedding myself anyway.
  • "technically married" marriage is kinda like pregnancy who either are or your not.
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