Name Change Controversy

Hobie625

I kind of struggled with this decision too.  I really like my unique, easy to spell, fun to say last name, and my dad died when I was young so it reminds me of his side of the family.  However, since we are getting married in Quebec, as the PP mentioned, I keep my last name.  I actually was a little upset over that law.  It is my name, and I wanted to decide what to do with it.   (Although, I'm not Canadian, so maybe that rule doesn't apply to me).  Even though I love my last name, I really like my guy's last name too, and was warming up to the idea then BAM!  Government interferes (what else is new?)  I guess it makes things easy though; no name change paper work to fill out.

What I will add too, is that while equality is surely a factor, there's also the issue of the mother keeping their French name, as many women in Quebec are French speaking.  The government is very, very involved in maintaining the French culture here, and keeping those names alive is part of that.  I think the hope too is children will get their mother's last name.  Some women do use their husband's name socially though.  It made addressing invites really difficult because I didn't know which name these women preferred!

DMoore421

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:63a90fd7-5eaf-4617-b2ff-2cc1981e969a">Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are only about a month away from our wedding. Everything has been going well, and we're both very excited, except for one persistent issue - our last names. I decided I did not want to change my last name and he is very hurt by it. He thinks it is romantic, and says it is something he looked forward to from the time he was young. But although we had long arguments about it, he ultimately said I should do what was best for me, and I decided to keep me name - both because I'm very uncomfortable with the sexism of the tradition and also because I work in an artistic field and already have published work out there under my current name. He has been consistently sad about it since then, but hasn't tried to change my mind. But recently he told his parents about my decision and they got in a huge fight with him about it. They immigrated to the U.S. and come from a much more traditional culture, and they think I'm being disrespectful by not taking his name. My family and social circle is pretty progressive and it's not unusual for a woman to keep her last name, but for them it is largely unheard of. They also got into the issue of what we would name our future kids, and told my fiance it would be a disgrace if any future kids did not have only their last name (we had talked about maybe hyphenating, but thought we would decided in the future when the issue actually came up). Now my fiance is upset all over again, and he's been arguing with me a lot about future children's names. He's getting flack not just from family, but also from friends (people tell him he's whipped and needs to put his foot down), and constantly has to defend my decision even thought he doesn't actually agree with it! Has anyone else come up against this issue? I feel guilty that it's causing so many problems for him and conflict with his family, but I also want to be true to myself in this decision. There's so little time left before the wedding that I would rather move past this issue so we can just focus on getting ready and being excited. Help!
Posted by ebh2[/QUOTE]

I plan on hyphenating my last name - my son who will be 14 at the time we get married doesn't want to change his last name to FI last name - and I have left that decision up to him - so because he doesnt want to change and I don't want to have a last name all that different from his - when he was born I gave him my last name - so we have matched all this time - and although I would like us all to change our last name to FI - I have opted to hyphenate so that I get the best of both worlds - FI is fine with me hyphenating - and fine with son not changing his name

molly&dale

This is such a deep issue for so many folks. It's just not a big deal to me, but it seems to mean a lot to some people. I actually got into a little argument with my pastor about it during our premarital counseling. It is not an issue for us personally but he made a comment about his wife having to change her name and said that he wouldn't have married her if she hadn't. My sister is a pastors wife and did not change her name. He doesn't care at all, but of course there are the older people at his church that refer to her as Mrs. His last name. Their kids have his last name. She just has to let it roll off her back. I understand that it's a big deal To his parents, but they are not the ones having to give up their names. I think if you explain to them how important it is to you, they can't hold it against you. People will be upset but if they really love you they will get over it. if they are looking to make an issue of it they will make an issue of it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:bc8fb79d-03d3-4dfd-971c-bc2a405885fd">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that it's your name and therefor your decision, so I'm not touching that one. I would like to add my two cents about giving kids hyphenated names.  What happens when they want to marry someone else with a hyphenated name?  These poor people have four last names between the two of them to figure out which to use, because no one could make a decision, and everyone wanted to be equal.  Sounds like a clusterf*ck to me.  I'm taking my Fi's name, it does not make me any less a person than I was when I was single, I'm doing it more because we're a partnership, a team.
Posted by Meghannsix[/QUOTE]

Dumb argument. In Latin American countries, everyone has 2 last names.

There are plenty of options, from keeping their names, to alternating what child gets what last name, to using 1 of each last name, to creating an entirely new name. You know, the same options non-hyphenated people have.

As someone with a different last name from her husband, and who wants children, I can tell you that there are no perfect solutions to the "what name will you give your children" option. Someone who hyphenates their last name won't necessarily hyphenate their child's. A child can do whatever he or she wants with a hyphenated last name as an adult.

It's a non-issue.

mbrischoux

I always really liked my maiden name, but utlimately decided to change it because I would want to have the same last name as my children.  I considered hyphenating, but my name would then be really long and....

I'd be Mrs. B-O.

carlynkevin

The women in my family don't have middle names so that when we marry we can use our Maiden name as our middle name.  I did not know that this was the case with my female cousins and aunts, i just thought it was me and mom.  I am taking my FH name in december.  My maiden name is a unisex first name as well, so I am thinking if we were to have a girl I would give her my maiden name as her first name and no middle name.  when she marries she'll have the option of being first name (my maiden name) her maiden name (her father's last name) and her married name.

howtochangeyourname

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:63a90fd7-5eaf-4617-b2ff-2cc1981e969a">Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are only about a month away from our wedding. Everything has been going well, and we're both very excited, except for one persistent issue - our last names. I decided I did not want to change my last name and he is very hurt by it. He thinks it is romantic, and says it is something he looked forward to from the time he was young. But although we had long arguments about it, he ultimately said I should do what was best for me, and I decided to keep me name - both because I'm very uncomfortable with the sexism of the tradition and also because I work in an artistic field and already have published work out there under my current name. He has been consistently sad about it since then, but hasn't tried to change my mind. But recently he told his parents about my decision and they got in a huge fight with him about it. They immigrated to the U.S. and come from a much more traditional culture, and they think I'm being disrespectful by not taking his name. My family and social circle is pretty progressive and it's not unusual for a woman to keep her last name, but for them it is largely unheard of. They also got into the issue of what we would name our future kids, and told my fiance it would be a disgrace if any future kids did not have only their last name (we had talked about maybe hyphenating, but thought we would decided in the future when the issue actually came up). Now my fiance is upset all over again, and he's been arguing with me a lot about future children's names. He's getting flack not just from family, but also from friends (people tell him he's whipped and needs to put his foot down), and constantly has to defend my decision even thought he doesn't actually agree with it! Has anyone else come up against this issue? I feel guilty that it's causing so many problems for him and conflict with his family, but I also want to be true to myself in this decision. There's so little time left before the wedding that I would rather move past this issue so we can just focus on getting ready and being excited. Help!
Posted by ebh2[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Get off your high horse and change your name. When he asked to marry you and you said yes, you said yes to alllll facets of getting married. It is very easy to change your name on all your professional work (trust me, driver's license and social security cards are much tougher - <a href="http://howtochangeyourname.com" rel="nofollow">instructions</a>). </div><div>Things like this make us say things like, "I'll never date an American." Start acting like a woman and take his name femi-nazi!

</div>

BrigidKelley

I'm also having the same issue! I want to keep my name, I feel sick at the idea of changing it, but my fiance feels sick at me not changing it. Like it means something is wrong even though he knows there isn't. None of my friends or family members understand because they ALL changed their name. I feel like no one has my back. I don't want to keep hurting him by continually telling him I don't want to change it, but I also don't want to start the marriage off doing something that feels wrong to me. My MOH told me "you'll grow to love it." But I don't feel like that's how it should be.

rainsofmelody

How about you two come up with a totally new and different last name together? It could be a combination of parts of both your current last names. Or even, a word/name that holds a lot of meaning for your personal relationship.

Obviously, this is a very new idea too, and the traditional family may not be okay with it, but it is definitely an obvious compromise- and it still reflects partnership and collective respect and compassion for each other (rather than appearing to the traditionalists as 'inappropriately' individualist).

Also your kids will then have the same last name as both of you.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:d49c9231-4bd3-4581-9102-f0507ff3b378">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Name Change Controversy : Get off your high horse and change your name. When he asked to marry you and you said yes, you said yes to alllll facets of getting married. It is very easy to change your name on all your professional work (trust me, driver's license and social security cards are much tougher -  instructions ).  Things like this make us say things like, "I'll never date an American." Start acting like a woman and take his name femi-nazi!
Posted by howtochangeyourname[/QUOTE]

ok Troll

rainsofmelody

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:d49c9231-4bd3-4581-9102-f0507ff3b378">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Name Change Controversy : <strong>Get off your high horse and change your name. When he asked to marry you and you said yes, you said yes to alllll facets of getting married.</strong> It is very easy to change your name on all your professional work (trust me, driver's license and social security cards are much tougher -  instructions ).  Things like this make us say things like, "I'll never date an American." <strong>Start acting like a woman and take his name femi-nazi!</strong>
Posted by howtochangeyourname[/QUOTE]
<strong>
Are you serious??</strong> First of all, it's totally inappropriate and inoffensive to use the term "nazi" in any other context than its original, grave historical one! And it is SO much worse when you tack the perpetrators of the holocaust onto a woman who is simply expressing her wish to be recognized as her own person. Which is a very natural and legitimate- and honestly, MILD, wish for a woman living in a first world country in this modern era which is totally focused on pursuing gender equality.

Do you equate the role of a woman with that of a doormat? Can you imagine what it would be like if every woman throughout history had said to themselves, "I said I would marry him, and that means I have to conform to every single current societal expectation of me that has to do with that"??? Let me tell you, I really don't think we would be worrying over last names if that were the case-- because we'd still actually all be considered ACTUAL property of our husband's.

Another way to look at it- when you say "yes" to every other question of your man's, do you consider your "yes" to mean "absolutely, in every single way you could possibly look at  this?" Do you think that once you say yes to sex, your man has the right to have sex with you whenever he wants? Even if you don't feel like it?

It is possible that you might. But surely you appreciate women as people enough to understand and respect different points of view as simply that- different points of view we all have the right to have, as people.

jcrising

It may be a sexist tradition, but in the end, there is an issue of family identity, especially if you are going to have children.  I don't think it should be assumed that the woman take the man's name, but if you are joining together then you should choose one family name (his, hers, hyphenated, or blended).  I don't think there is anything anti-feminist about choosing your husband's name.  I chose to use my maiden name as my middle name, and I have been using my maiden name professionally for 10 years.  I probably won't bother changing my degrees, though they could easily be re-printed.  I will continue to use my middle name in its entirety for a while until I feel like the transition is complete, and then will use my maiden name initial.  Also, consider the feelings of your fiance.  If he feels so strongly about it, why shouldn't you consider changing your name? (you always can use your maiden name professionally; tons of women do that).  I think most women blow this issue way out of proportion.  You aren't losing your identity by changing your name.  Is it worth harming your relationship with your husband/in-laws/others just to make a point?