Taking his name

bellefille42

Good morning knotties,

my wedding is 100 days away! We gave ourselves a very long engagement (18 months) and I was all set right from the start to change my name. But as the day approaches I fInd myself thinking more and more about losing the name I"ve had my whole life, and I really don't want to! I already have 2 middle names. My FI really wants me to change my name, but I think my mother(A die-hard feminist)'s influence is kicking in late in the game. He doesn't even like the idea of my hyphenating it! Is this just a weird manifestation of cold feet? I do like his last name, Holmes, and I like the idea of our family (When we have one) all having the same name. Do I just need to get over it? WHat are  you all doing with your names? 

acaponi87

I think what you're feeling is pretty common. I'll be sad to "lose" my last name, especially since out of 20 grandkids there are no boys who will be able to pass it on. However, in my eyes, it's just a name. It's not like I am removing myself from my family, it's not like my children won't take part in our traditions and culture.

I'm taking my FI's name. I have no good reason but it's something that I want to stick with tradition on. I want to be connected to my FI in that manner and I want to become part of his family like that.

In the end, the decision is yours and you don't need to feel bad about whatever you pick. Lots of women don't change their names now or hyphenate.

ceh789

I'm going to be FName MaidenName OurLastName.

I'm actually really sad to be losing my middle name because I love it, but having our last name and keeping my maiden name is more important to me.  I really want my old middle name to be our girl-name if we have a daughter but FI doesn't like it. I'm hoping he'll come around.

notyetavet

Congrats on your 100 days!

I'm taking his name.  I've always wanted to do it that way and it's what FI wants, too.  Win-win situation.  

It really is a personal choice so you should do what you and your FI feel is right.  I'm sure your mom will forgive you if you decide that changing your name is what you want.  I don't think you're getting cold feet, I just think that it's a big deal to change the way you've been addressed your whole life.  

It seems like it is time for a long chat with your FI to figure out why he is so against hyphenating/you keeping your name.  It is YOUR name so I feel like you get the most say in what happens to it.

JaxInBlue

It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do about my last name.  It was a very personal decision for me and I don't think it's natural to be nervous or sad at all. 

For me, it came down to having a fiance who was comfortable with me doing what I wanted and me knowing that as much as I wanted to keep my name, I also wanted us to share a last name. We talked a bit about what I was going to do and I decide on a last name for me that I liked and was comfortable with. Like  ceh, I've moved my maiden name to my middle name and taken DH's last name.  At work, I go by FirstName MaidenName DHLast Name and I've changed my social media to reflect that but socially I'm fine being FirstName DHLastName.  (I was happy to see my middle name go; I didn't like it at all.)

I'd talk to your FI about why he's uncomfortable with a hyphenate if that is what you want.  I'd also think about whether using your maiden name as your middle name would work for you.  While it's great to include what your FI wants, you ultimately need to be comfortable with your name.  You'll likely get people who refer to you as Belle DHLastname whatever you do, so it's up to you how you make it official or not.

Editted: for spelling and stuff

redheadfsu

Changing your name is a big deal. Being sad about it isn't cold feet or anything. I kept my name, because well I wanted to. But some people still call me my husband's last name.

You can legally keep your current name for legal stuff (bank accounts/ taxes/etc) and just use his name socially (on facebook, on letters, etc.)

Talk to your FI. Ask him why your name is a big deal to him. Don't let him just say "tradition," have him actually explain WHY. Then explain how you feel about what he said and explain you are really upset/sad about losing it.

Ultimately it is completely your decision, your FI has no real say in the matter, so you need to figure it out for yourself.

ChristineNB

My fiancee doesn't care one way or the other if I change my name.  I used to think about it more and debate hyphenating it, but as it gets closer to my actual wedding day I am convinced that I want to just take his last name.  Do I have a good reason for this, not really.  I know that we do want to have kids someday and I would like the whole family to have the same last name.  I had debating hypenating, though.

RamonaFlowers

I did change my name. But my maiden name was my bio-dad's last name, and he really hasn't been too involved in my life since I was a baby, and I was raised by my step-dad (Who, obviously, had a different name), so I really never "identified" with my maiden name as a part of who I am.


I'm going to level with you: this is your name. Not your mom's, not your FI's, yours. You are the one that has to go by it, sign things with it, and file your taxes with it. Not your mom. Not your FI. You.

So you need to go with the name that you want. Not your mom. Not your FI. Not the mailman. Not the hamster down the street. You.

If you want to keep your name, just keep it. If you want to hyphenate, there's nothing in the world stopping you from it. If you want to change your last name to "Ilovecookies", knock yourself out. As long as you are happy with your name, it really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

MyNameIsNot

There's no right or wrong answer, and it isn't an easy decision.  This is your personal decision, not your mom's and not your FI's.  You need to think about what you personally want to do, not what other people want or expect of you.  

Keep in mind that you don't necessarily have to change your name immediately.  I have several friends that were on the fence about it when they got married, and decided to leave it alone for the time.  One just changed her name when she found out she was pregnant.  Another decided not to change after 2 years.  

littleluckypenny

I'm not changing my name when I get married (which is in 79 days).  Sure, FI is a little bummed I'm not changing it, and even my own family is giving me the guilt trip about it, but I don't care.  I strongly identify with my last name.  I'm proud of it and it means a great deal to me.  I didn't want to hyphenate either, as that usually ends up a PITA and confuses lots of people. 

Honestly, I know some people will refer to me as FName HisLastName, but I'll just correct them and not get bent out of shape about it.  As Ramona stated, you are the one who has to live with the last name.  You need to be happy and comfortable with your decision, whether it's taking his, hyphenating or keeping your maiden name.

Also, I would seriously ask FI why it is so important that you take his name and why he doesn't want it hyphenated. 

rlavach

Like PP said, there is no 'right' answer we can give you. That decision is completely up to you. I decided to hyphenate just because I'm the last generation with my last name in the US and after me, there will be no more. So, I figure I'd save it for a little longer. I'll go by his last name socially, though.

calliopeia2013

I'm not changing my name because I don't want to.  I have a long list of true-but-not-the-real-reason reasons that I give to prying people who won't take "I don't want to" as an answer, but the real reason is I don't want to.  I like my name, and I don't like the sexism of the name-changing tradition.

My FI is comfortable with that (though I think we have some discussions about kids' last names to come), and we didn't even have to talk about it much; he was on board.  But if we had, I know I wouldn't have taken "It's tradition" as an answer.  I think reasons ae important, but I ultimately think that while this is one of thse decisions where he has the absolute right to have his opinion heard and considered, in the end it's your name and your call.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I never wanted to change my last name, long before I met my now-husband. It made me really sad to think about.

That said, even women who WANT to change their last name feel sad when it comes time to change it. It's understandable. It doesn't mean you have cold feet, or even that it's not the right choice for you. It's just a big change after having 1 legal name for a few decades and parting with it to add a name which doesn't have the same kind of history for you, personally.

You also don't necessarily have to change it now. I know some women who changed it before/when they had children because they felt more of a pull to have the same last name as their childre (if your children will have your husband's last name). Don't think you have to make a diffinitive decision now. You can hold off on the legal paperwork and just "go" by his last name after the wedding and see how it feels to you. You might get used to it. You might not. But you can make a decision later.

HobokensFury

I'll be changing my name shortly because when I was little I had a different last name than my mom and kids would tease me.  It seriously gave me a complex, although it's very common and normal now. I just want to have the same name as my kids.  I am sad about losing my last name but I'll always be a member of the Current Last Name clan so it doesn't matter.  Not to mention his last name is shorter and easier.

random4180

I actually really like his last name and have no issues with changing my name. I don't know why I don't have more of a complex about it but I don't. Just like some people just don't want to change their name, I can't imagine getting married and not taking his name. It'll be nice to have the same name as our kids, it'll be nice to have a less common name, maybe if it's not Spanish people will stop sending mail with no English translation...that sorta thing, lol. I love my family and I have a ton of siblings- six brothers actually, so I don't have the issue of worrying about passing on our last name or "keeping it alive" (FI is the opposite, he is the only male of his generation with his last name.) You have to do what feels right for you because you're the only one who is really going to be using it, day in and day out. I'd talk to your FI, explain your feelings, and maybe as PP have mentioned, just sleep on it for a while. You can commit to the man without committing to the name so I don't think it's cold feet, just a normal reaction that plenty of people have had. 

craftyalix

I was born with 2 last names my mom's maiden name and my dad's name (my mom never changed her name).  I'm keeping my mom's name and dropping my dad's name.  it's going to be my first last name and our last name with my uber long first and last name.  lol.  i've thought about this all my life.  my dad and i weren't close so i have no qualms losing it, but my mom and i are close...i can't imagine losing her name.

NOLAbridealmost

I am with Mery on this.  The jury's still out on my last name. I didn't switch it then and I am not sure if I ever will.  In Louisiana either spouse can legally use either spouse's name and there's no formal process for changing it. I use my married name from time to time on legal documents but I usually use my married name. Obviously I can't do the pick and choose thing with the US government so my SS # and passport remain in my maiden name. 

Annas2013

I personally am taking his last name.  But I'll replace my old middle name with my old last name.  My last name isn't common and I don't have any brothers, so that's why I'm making it my new middle name.  It's common in the czech republic, just not here.  I'm the type of girl who never considered not taking my future husband's last name though.

trixie549

I did what many other ladies did - took my maiden name as my new middle name and changed my last name to his. It was a nice compromise and I didn't have to part ways entirely with my maiden name.

smmessinger

Are you set on keeping both of your middle names? I am keeping my name and adding his so I will be Mrs. Hislastname except for on paper. If you keep your lastname and add his but take one of your middle names out it will allow you to join the two.

Lisa50

Is this just a weird manifestation of cold feet? It could be that, the closer the wedding date, the more thought you're putting into it.

I do like his last name, Holmes, and I like the idea of our family (When we have one) all having the same name. Do I just need to get over it?  You can keep your name as is and, when kids come along, revisit the decision.  Or ... you can just take H's name socially.  Believe me, when you have a child, most people assume you and your child have the same name (I did not change my name when I married and my son has his father's last name .... we've all survived splendidly!).  And, no one at a soccer game or PTS meeting is going to ask you for papers proving you change that last name legally.

WHat are you all doing with your names? Answered above.  I did not change my name.

ermjdecember2015

Do whatever you are comfortable doing, as someone else said, this is YOUR name!Personally, I cant wait to take his last name. It will be weird, my last name is very unique and when I take his I will be joining the millions of people with the last name "Johnson" lol! But to me theres just something so personal about becoming HIS Mrs. Johnson that I cant wait for it.

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_taking-his-name-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:698cd271-7781-4543-811b-e2d7e1bc208cPost:abdcb92d-6993-4254-a385-39023e2f3a5c">Re: Taking his name</a>:
[QUOTE]I'll be changing my name shortly because when I was little I had a different last name than my mom and kids would tease me.  It seriously gave me a complex, although it's very common and normal now. I just want to have the same name as my kids.  I am sad about losing my last name but I'll always be a member of the Current Last Name clan so it doesn't matter.  <strong>Not to mention his last name is shorter and easier.</strong>
Posted by HobokenBride2012[/QUOTE]
Holy cats - reading this made me realize that by changing my name I will <em>never again have to spell my name for people over and over!</em>  I'm completely pumped about this.

Bookishtype202

I feel like I've asked so many questions I should answer one for a change! I am new to this whole thing too, but I have decided to change my name. My fiance's mother kept her name, so they would have been fine with me doing the same. My fiance even thought that maybe I would want to keep my name, but I see it as symbolic of a fresh start, and also kind of a gesture of trust and acceptance towards the new family that I'm incorporating into my own.

 I love my middle name and never was fond of my last name, but if it was important to my family I would have considered keeping it as a middle name for the sake of family peace--marriage can be about compromise, and so can family, Sometimes you have to weigh the costs of having your way with the long-term--only you know what's really going to matter to your fiance and family in the end. For mine, they were all okay regardless so I can make my own call with a clear conscience.

Another option of course--my fiance's mother DID keep her maiden name on paper, as I said, but in practice the family speaks of themselves as (not their real name but for an example) "the Bradford-Smiths"---legally, officially...her name is still her name, unaltered, middle and all, but I guess that's their way of showing a unified front to the world. There's something kind of sweet about that, I think.

\

DanniLynn88

My mother remarried when I was young and that man has been my father most of my life. I don't speak to the biological one, and if you didn't know better you would think my father was my father all the way, the questions come up when our last names are different. I never doubted I would change my name, I always wanted people to be able to say Mr. and Mrs. so and so without having different names. I guess maybe because my last name means nothing to me. It was a bigger step for him to want me to have his last name and actually propose than for me to change my name.

RussoWill

It took me a really long time to decide- like a few month after the wedding type of  long time to decide. I was all set to drop my last name and take his (the norm in my family) and then H's sisters 1/2 convinced me that I needed to keep my maiden name as my middle name "because it will be the only Italian connection I have and I would regret not keeping it later on." (or something similar). Well I kept everything, First Middle Old-last and His-last.
 And now I have 2 middle names. I wish I had gone with my initial instinct to just take his last name. I got a new email address at work and everyone keeps asking why I have LR in the middle! And it's on my business cards... I definitely don't like it. And my utility bill has it as a hyphenated last name

2 points to the story-
1. It's your name, so do whatever you want (not like I did).
 2. You don't have to decide right away

I also read about someone creating a new last name for the new family (a combo of both last names) not sure if you guys would be into that or not.

[Deleted User]

In Response to Re:Taking his name:[QUOTE]I'll be changing my name shortly because when I was little I had a different last name than my mom and kids would tease me.nbsp; It seriously gave me a complex, although it's very common and normal now. I just want to have the same name as my kids.nbsp; I am sad about losing my last name but I'll always be a member of the Current Last Name clan so it doesn't matter.nbsp; Not to mention his last name is shorter and easier. Posted by HobokenBride2012[/QUOTE]

I second this feeling. My mom and dad never married, but my mom wanted my dad to be a part of my life so she changed it. Though I don't see them often, I love my dad's side of the family. However, I have always wished I shared my mom's name. Logistically and emotionally, it would have been much easier.
I am excited to change my name. My husband, children and I will be a family, and our name will be a symbol of that love. I think it's a beautiful and selfless act. Good luck deciding!

kmleon83

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_taking-his-name-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:698cd271-7781-4543-811b-e2d7e1bc208cPost:db402451-0525-46b0-a962-465caf5960dc">Re: Taking his name</a>:
[QUOTE]I did change my name. But my maiden name was my bio-dad's last name, and he really hasn't been too involved in my life since I was a baby, and I was raised by my step-dad (Who, obviously, had a different name), so I really never "identified" with my maiden name as a part of who I am.
Posted by RamonaFlowers[/QUOTE]

same here. i plan on changing my name. i'll have had my last name for 29 years when we get married but i have no sentimental feelings about keeping it.

essentially, like most have said, this is all up to you. you have to do what you will be most comfortable with and if that's keeping your maiden name, then so be it.