Oh Mama

InhaleExhaleSmile

My FH has 3 mothers. One is his biological, one is his step and the last is his adoptive. And he loathes his bio/step. That being said, bio/step want to throw me a bridal shower. Do I have to invite them and their families if I allow them to go through with it?

My mother is also throwing me a bridal shower. Her reasoning is that she doesn't think that bio/step will follow through and she has no desire to meet bio/step. 

This takes all the pressure off of my MOH though as she is in college without a job. 

Do I invite the two wicked witches to my wedding, where they will clash with adoptive mom, or say "Sorry, it's a small affair, and we need to keep it that way for the budgets sake"?

MairePoppy

First things first. Your fi is the one who should decide whether or not his bio/step mother will be invited to the wedding.

If you are not sure if you will be inviting them to the wedding, do not accept their offer of a shower. If they throw a shower, you must invite them and all shower guests to the wedding.

InhaleExhaleSmile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_oh-mama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:893a7dd6-3ada-48ff-a2e6-6917e9c8d6b1Post:b2e438fd-64e7-405c-9ce9-58cf10c347fc">Re: Oh Mama</a>:
[QUOTE]First things first. Your fi is the one who should decide whether or not his bio/step mother will be invited to the wedding. If you are not sure if you will be inviting them to the wedding, do not accept their offer of a shower. If they throw a shower, you must invite them and all shower guests to the wedding.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

<div>He doesn't want her there at all. So what's the best way to break it to the bio/step?</div>

SKPM

Decline their offer for a shower and defer all other questions about the wedding to their son.

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_oh-mama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:893a7dd6-3ada-48ff-a2e6-6917e9c8d6b1Post:6ad87cb4-6c60-4a7c-900c-9ff9253d3c10">Re: Oh Mama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Oh Mama : He doesn't want her there at all. So what's the best way to break it to the bio/step?
Posted by InhaleExhaleSmile[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Your fiance should really do this.  I think this calls for a very frank discussion.  "Jane, due to our history, I do not feel comfortable having you at the wedding."   </div><div>
</div><div>Keep in mind that this is essentially a relationship-ending move when it comes to parents.  If he doesn't want these women in his life any more, then there's absolutely no need to invite them.  If he doesn't want to cut all ties, then he should consider inviting them.  Also, if the step-mom is still married to his dad, and his dad is attending, then the step-mom really needs to be invited (though she doesn't need to play any kind of role).  

</div>

InhaleExhaleSmile

OKay, here's the total back story:

Mom and Dad were abusive towards him, and each other. They divorced when he was a teen, he stayed with mom. Mom made him get a job at 14 1/2 and took all of his money. Dad remarried, and he switched to live with his dad. 

His step mom didn't necessarily care that much for her new husbands sons, so she kicked him out when he turned 18. LIterally piled his s*** in the middle of the yard and told him not to come back.

So he moved in with his best friend and her mom, who I have referred to as adoptive mom. She helped him get on his feet, get a place of his own and graduate high school.

Simce then (5 years later) slowly bio/step are trying to erase the past and make amends which FH wants NOTHING to do with. He'll humor them by visiting, and talking to them, but he still doesn't care for them. 

They adore me, and think I am better than sliced bread but... I got a phone call from step saying that she has reason to belive FH is abusive (he has never hit a fly, and I know what abuse is, having been in a abusive relationship previously) and his BioMom keeps calling asking if I will quit my job and drive to California with her. 

MrsGandthebeag

Is dad invited?  If so, step mom must be as well since it sounds like they're still married.

MairePoppy

You don't have to break it to them. Just don't send them invitations. When they call to tell you they didn't receive invitations, tell them to discuss it with Fi.

It's disgusting that the 2 mothers think you're the greatest thing since sliced bread (and you probably are), but their (step)son is not worthy of any respect. Has it occurred to you that they are just sucking up to you, in order to have access to him and possible future grandbabies?

Definitely, Fi is the one who should decide on inviting, talking, visiting the mothers (and I use that word loosely), in his life. He should not have to humor anyone.

kevinnbrenna2013

I disagree with the idea that if you invite a spouse, the other MUST be invited.

We are in a situation where my FBIL's ignorant sow of a 'wife' has repeatedly aired family dirty laundry across social media (where people who know us can get intimate details we do not want shared), attacked my FFIL verbally, made horrific comments about one FSIL, belittled another FSIL over infertility (the sow has whelped twice, the poor kids), and has called me a C***/ignorant douchebag/ dumb B****...needless to say, that invitation is worded specifically to my FBIL, niece and nephew.

If your FFIL is invited and your fiancé wants HIM there, I say address the invite to HIM only.  Gameplan with your fiancé about what to say when the RSVP arrives or when the phone call comes. 

Do NOT be a slave to tradition if it makes your day HELL.