money/bride dance

ofthewheel

My FI comes from a polish family and of the few things he is insiting on at the wedding is a money/bride dance. (you pay to dance with the bride) Having been to countless of his family and friends weddings they have all done it and if we didn't it would seem odd, plus he wants to.

Was talking to my ma about any rough ideas we have about wedding/reception and told her about the dance. The poor woman was horrified. 

She wants to tell my family about the dance before and apologise for it when they ask her about wedding registry (which will not exist) 

Basically she is very worried about offending someone with the dance. Do we have to explain it to people? either on the day or as she wants to do when people ask about gifts inform them (though usually in FI family people pay only a dollar or so) as she is worried people will think the dance is the gift part or people think we are asking for (extra) money. Which we aren't at all. 

NOLAbridealmost

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_moneybride-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9878a042-bfa2-43fc-a8ee-fe6be64c95adPost:d027766f-2bd8-4b21-b6a0-fa5f355f7007">money/bride dance</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI comes from a polish family and of the few things he is insiting on at the wedding is a money/bride dance. (you pay to dance with the bride) Having been to countless of his family and friends weddings they have all done it and if we didn't it would seem odd, plus he wants to. Was talking to my ma about any rough ideas we have about wedding/reception and told her about the dance. The poor woman was horrified.  She wants to tell my family about the dance before and apologise for it when they ask her about wedding registry (which will not exist)  Basically she is very worried about offending someone with the dance. Do we have to explain it to people? either on the day or as she wants to do when people ask about gifts inform them (though usually in FI family people pay only a dollar or so) as she is worried people will think the dance is the gift part or people think we are asking for (extra) money. Which we aren't at all. 
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Here's the thing about money dances....unless every single guest at your wedding is from a culture where it's acceptable (and apparently that <em>does</em> include some Polish circles), it will come off as money-grubbing and rude to everyone that's not from one of those cultures. Personally, I would NEVER allow myself to appear that way to my own circle of friends and family just to appease my FI.</div><div>
</div><div>My suggestion: do a twist on the tradition.  Let the GROOM do a "wish dance" and anyone that wants to dance with HIM can write down a wish for the couple and give it to him before they can dance with him.   He might have some relatives that insist on giving him cash, but at least YOU will have distanced yourself from that rude practice with a 30 foot pole. =) </div><div>
</div><div>Good luck. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_moneybride-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9878a042-bfa2-43fc-a8ee-fe6be64c95adPost:d027766f-2bd8-4b21-b6a0-fa5f355f7007">money/bride dance</a>:
[QUOTE] as she is worried people will think the dance is the gift part or people think we are asking for (extra) money. Which we aren't at all. 
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]

You may not think you are asking for more money, but you are.  Guests will pay to travel, bring gifts, and then be asked for more at the reception in the form of this dance.  Please understand that point of view now.

If your fiance's family is truly Polish, then I actually don't have a problem with the dollar dance.  It's tradition in some Polish families.  I would have a problem with say "Oh, I'm one third Polish and I heard the Polish have a money dances so we should have one!" but I'm not getting vibe from you.  It feels like this is a long-standing tradition in his family (please correct me if I'm wrong).

I'm looking at this as someone who does not have dollar dances at weddings but would be okay with it in a cultural sense.  I think a good compromise might be to have the DJ announce something like this before it starts: "In honor of the groom's family Polish traditions, the bride and groom are now going to have a dollar dance.  Please feel free to come up and dance with them and either offer a dollar or a well wish for their future happiness."

This explains the cultural reason, says you don't HAVE to offer money, and hopefully smooths over the inevitable distaste a family who isn't familiar with this tradition may have.

Someone else may come up with another idea that works better, though!

Dreamergirl8812

I went to a wedding with a dollar dance. They weren't Polish or anything, they just needed some cash. It didn't bother me though. People paid a few dollars and got some private time with either the bride or groom. I didn't participate but the people who did seemed to enjoy it.

Jen4948

If you think guests will be seriously offended by including a money dance, you had better limit it to those for whom it is traditional.  Maybe save it for the end of the reception and do it after other guests have gone?  Otherwise, I'd go with the compromises suggested above.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_moneybride-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9878a042-bfa2-43fc-a8ee-fe6be64c95adPost:f74223ed-0336-42e7-83ab-c7d233ef0c7f">Re: money/bride dance</a>:
[QUOTE]I went to a wedding with a dollar dance. They weren't Polish or anything, they just needed some cash. It didn't bother me though. People paid a few dollars and got some private time with either the bride or groom. I didn't participate but the people who did seemed to enjoy it.
Posted by Dreamergirl8812[/QUOTE]

That's great that you weren't offended, but I assure you that other people in the room were.  Weddings are not fundraisers and do not exist to give the couple extra cash.  Unless you spoke to everyone in the room, I find it hard to believe that every single person agreed with what was happening.

It's really best to not ask for money from your guests when you are supposed to be host.  It's also a good idea to be a host who considers their guests' feelings before doing something at their event.  The OP has two camps of people at her wedding and she needs to find a way to bridge the gap.  Your friends, on the other, were simply tacky.

[Deleted User]

I agree with the compromise of the groom's well wishes dance. My Mom has told me horror stories of going to family/friend's weddings before I was born where the bride and groom begged for people to give them money to dance and no one moved. I understand this is a cultural thing for your FI's side so hopefully the compromise works.

ofthewheel

Thanks for all your advice.

I get the twist by using wishes but that really really isn't me and FI in any way at all. 

I'll take the advice of announcing it saying what it is and why and if they want to come and dance they can. and if they are so inclined they can pay 'a penny' (i'm cheap) as that is the traditional thing about it (?)

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_moneybride-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9878a042-bfa2-43fc-a8ee-fe6be64c95adPost:8e9cbcae-85f4-42c3-a7a1-b7007835a748">Re: money/bride dance</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all your advice. I get the twist by using wishes but that really really isn't me and FI in any way at all.  I'll take the advice of announcing it saying what it is and why and if they want to come and dance they can. and if they are so inclined they can pay 'a penny' (i'm cheap) as that is the traditional thing about it (?)
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]

I think you're reading too much into this.  The idea of saying "offer a wish" would be to let guests know that they DON'T have to pay.  Your fiance's family will because that's tradition, but for your side, which be uncomfortable with the whole idea, it allows them to take part without being made to pay money.  Even a penny is too much to demand in my eyes. 

I doubt anyone will walk up and give you a lecture on the joys of marriage.  They will probably smile, say congrats, and dance with you.  I really think you need to remember that asking for money - in any form - will be taken badly by your family.  The "wish" idea bridges the gap.

Think about it.

ofthewheel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_moneybride-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9878a042-bfa2-43fc-a8ee-fe6be64c95adPost:0405fbd2-9d32-47da-bfe0-cc0fc2cceeae">Re:money/bride dance</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm confused. It's really really not you and your FI at all to dance with guests without them giving you money first? Are you both professional strippers?
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>Of course we are I'm going to walk into church in my underwear.</div><div>
</div><div>No I meant the idea that asking people to give us a wish really feels not like us.</div><div>PP you said that giving a wish would mean that some guests would understand they didn't have the pay? But we would (from all your suggestion) announce it, explain why and the whole pay bit and that if you want to join in the traditional polish thing that'll we'll take a penny. But anyone can join in. What's the point saying you dont have to pay in 'nice/offer a wish way when you can just say it straight.? </div><div>Plus I don't know that my side will find the dance offensive I can think of many who will like it. My ma is worried about the people who may really not like it - Keeping up appearance and all that. I'm worried about that as well (not so bothered about keeping up appearances but offending certain people yes) but think it can be solved by explanation which you all have helped with.</div>

libby18bell

This was a discussion a few weeks ago on the board and I must be an odd ball in that I've never been to a wedding where I have been offended by the bride or groom participating in a family tradition.  This is taken from what I posted a couple of weeks ago regarding the subject, "I am somewhat in the same pickle thinking the dollar dance is semi silly, even though I come from a family that has always had the tradition of doing it.  To take it from a guest's perspective, the dance is NOT mandatory, so if you are offended you do not have to participate, just so that part is clear.  It is a nice way for different guests to have a moment with the bride or groom, some have only bride, but many have included both.  A good example of someone who likes the dance is my grandmother, who is getting up in age and it's her moment to dance with the bride or groom, whichever is her grandchild.  Since she is much older and can't stand for too long she wouldn't be able to dance on the floor when there are a large number of guests, so this gives her a minute or two at most with the bride or groom.  I was just at a cousin's wedding who had the dollar dance and to add an additional element of fun those who danced with the bride or groom were offered a complimentar shot afterwards.  I'm just curious on why everyone is offended, since nobody requires you to participate.  On a side note the money is often used as a fun send off for the bride and groom on their honeymoon, it's just a $1 by the way."  If you want to put a little note in the menu cards or on the tables regarding the dance that's always an idea, but my fiance had never seen the dance before and it took one second for him to get what it was about.  Another fun thing that I've seen at weddings was after the dance the bride or groom has a shot waiting for the person who just danced.  It was cute when I saw it done at a wedding, and again I've never seen anyone ever offended by the dollar dance since it's all in good fun, in the past the bride and groom wore funny hats, and it's sometimes done to a polka.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_moneybride-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9878a042-bfa2-43fc-a8ee-fe6be64c95adPost:a4ce6f78-88e8-47eb-bc9b-bed0e13ea909">Re:money/bride dance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:money/bride dance : Of course we are I'm going to walk into church in my underwear. <strong>No I meant the idea that asking people to give us a wish really feels not like us. </strong>PP you said that giving a wish would mean that some guests would understand they didn't have the pay? But we would (from all your suggestion) announce it, explain why and the whole pay bit and that if you want to join in the traditional polish thing that'll we'll take a penny. But anyone can join in. What's the point saying you dont have to pay in 'nice/offer a wish way when you can just say it straight.?  Plus I don't know that my side will find the dance offensive I can think of many who will like it. My ma is worried about the people who may really not like it - Keeping up appearance and all that. I'm worried about that as well (not so bothered about keeping up appearances but offending certain people yes) but think it can be solved by explanation which you all have helped with.
Posted by ofthewheel[/QUOTE]

<div>Asking them for well wishes on your wedding day bothers you, but you are ok asking for money?  That's a new one by me.  </div><div>
</div><div>Like your mother, I would be horrified.  You can be sure that a number of your family members will feel similarly to her, though they may be too polite to let you know.  Tread lightly here.  You are going to be in front of a lot of friends and family, probably many of whom you don't see often.  Do you really want a ploy for cash to be the thing they remember about you and your wedding?</div>

mdupon70997

The money dance is very common in New Orleans. But people usually pay to dance with the bride AND groom. However, they usually pay more than a dollar or so. It's not thought of as being greedy or anything. If you decide to do it, I'd suggest not pinning the money to your dress because it takes a while sometimes and it could ruin your dress if it's not done correctly. And guest usually bring cash just for this.

mdupon70997

Also, people usually have a money dance AND gift registry. It's very common and no one usually thinks it's greedy.

mdupon70997

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_moneybride-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9878a042-bfa2-43fc-a8ee-fe6be64c95adPost:4bab5f4b-5e61-46c8-8d3b-fd9853995304">Re: money/bride dance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to money/bride dance : Here's the thing about money dances....unless every single guest at your wedding is from a culture where it's acceptable (and apparently that does  include some Polish circles), <strong>it will come off as money-grubbing and rude to everyone that's not from one of those cultures</strong>.<strong> Personally, I would NEVER allow myself to appear that way to my own circle of friends and family just to appease my FI.</strong> My suggestion: do a twist on the tradition.  Let the GROOM do a "wish dance" and anyone that wants to dance with HIM can write down a wish for the couple and give it to him before they can dance with him.   He might have some relatives that insist on giving him cash, <strong>but at least YOU will have distanced yourself from that rude practice with a 30 foot pole</strong>. =)  Good luck. 
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

<div>NOLAbride,</div><div>I noticed that  you're from New Orleans. You think the money dance is rude? Are you originally from NOLA? Because I am and it's SUPER common here. And no one usually thinks that it's a rude practice.</div>

mdupon70997

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_moneybride-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9878a042-bfa2-43fc-a8ee-fe6be64c95adPost:ab44d32a-2cd5-4149-8859-33294d98cf28">Re: money/bride dance</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to money/bride dance : You may not think you are asking for more money, but you are.  Guests will pay to travel, bring gifts, and then be asked for more at the reception in the form of this dance.  Please understand that point of view now. If your fiance's family is truly Polish, then I actually don't have a problem with the dollar dance.  It's tradition in some Polish families.  I would have a problem with say "Oh, I'm one third Polish and I heard the Polish have a money dances so we should have one!" but I'm not getting vibe from you.  It feels like this is a long-standing tradition in his family (please correct me if I'm wrong). I'm looking at this as someone who does not have dollar dances at weddings but would be okay with it in a cultural sense.  I think a good compromise might be to have the DJ announce something like this before it starts: "In honor of the groom's family Polish traditions, the bride and groom are now going to have a dollar dance.  Please feel free to come up and dance with them and either offer a dollar or a well wish for their future happiness."<strong> This explains the cultural reason, says you don't HAVE to offer money, and hopefully smooths over the inevitable distaste a family who isn't familiar with this tradition may have.</strong> Someone else may come up with another idea that works better, though!
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Good idea, Joy. 

</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_moneybride-dance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9878a042-bfa2-43fc-a8ee-fe6be64c95adPost:cb9d7e6e-5194-4b7e-ba93-29ea6db8c3ae">Re: money/bride dance</a>:
[QUOTE]The money dance is very common in New Orleans. But people usually pay to dance with the bride AND groom. However, they usually pay more than a dollar or so. It's not thought of as being greedy or anything. If you decide to do it, I'd suggest not pinning the money to your dress because it takes a while sometimes and it could ruin your dress if it's not done correctly. And guest usually bring cash just for this.
Posted by mdupon70997[/QUOTE]

Yes, but the OP lives in NY. It is NOT common on the east coast, at all. I had never heard of it before joining the Knot. I would never bring cash to a wedding because in my experience, there's nothing I would need cash FOR at a wedding, like a money dance.

My husband has seen it before at family weddings in the midwest. But his immediate family wasn't expecting us to do it, and my family would have been pretty horrified, so we didn't do it.

daffydillie

In Response to Re:money/bride dance:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: money/bride dance:The money dance is very common in New Orleans. But people usually pay to dance with the bride AND groom. However, they usually pay more than a dollar or so. It's not thought of as being greedy or anything. If you decide to do it, I'd suggest not pinning the money to your dress because it takes a while sometimes and it could ruin your dress if it's not done correctly. And guest usually bring cash just for this.Posted by mdupon70997Yes, but the OP lives in NY. It is NOT common on the east coast, at all. I had never heard of it before joining the Knot. I would never bring cash to a wedding because in my experience, there's nothing I would need cash FOR at a wedding, like a money dance. My husband has seen it before at family weddings in the midwest. But his immediate family wasn't expecting us to do it, and my family would have been pretty horrified, so we didn't do it. Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]


It's not that uncommon on the east coast, it's a cultural thing. I've never been to a wedding without one and we live on the east coast and have attended weddings in New York. It really depends on family and friends. My family and FIs family are very polish/Czech/Slovak and are traditional in the idea that weddings are to help the couple get started in their new life together.

OP if you're interested, google the lyrics to the polish polka that plays for the bridal dance. We never have called it a dollar dance or money dance until I heard it here on TK It should help you make a decision and understand the tradition better. I'm mobile and it won't let me post the lyrics with translation.

grizzly04

Well, my younger sister had the dollar dance for her wedding, and people were fine with it. My fiancés step-brother also did this at his wedding and it went well. The funny thing is both couples were planning to skip it, but people were encouraging it, especially many of the male guests.  We are not doing the dollar dance or registering for gifts because we have a home together and of our income. I believe that if you have reached a certain point in life, then gift registries and dollar dances should go out the door. We are both in our young-mid twenties but again he are fortunate enough to have what we have and I don't want my guests to feel like they have to give us something. But if it truly a Polish tradition then go for it! Enjoy it and have wonderful conversations with your dancing partners!

OwningAHome1981

Dont do this type of dance. Tacky tacky.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to Re:money/bride dance:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:money/bride dance:In Response to Re: money/bride dance:The money dance is very common in New Orleans. But people usually pay to dance with the bride AND groom. However, they usually pay more than a dollar or so. It's not thought of as being greedy or anything. If you decide to do it, I'd suggest not pinning the money to your dress because it takes a while sometimes and it could ruin your dress if it's not done correctly. And guest usually bring cash just for this.Posted by mdupon70997Yes, but the OP lives in NY. It is NOT common on the east coast, at all. I had never heard of it before joining the Knot. I would never bring cash to a wedding because in my experience, there's nothing I would need cash FOR at a wedding, like a money dance. My husband has seen it before at family weddings in the midwest. But his immediate family wasn't expecting us to do it, and my family would have been pretty horrified, so we didn't do it. Posted by msmerymac


It's not that uncommon on the east coast, it's a cultural thing. I've never been to a wedding without one and we live on the east coast and have attended weddings in New York. It really depends on family and friends. My family and FIs family are very polish/Czech/Slovak and are traditional in the idea that weddings are to help the couple get started in their new life together.

OP if you're interested, google the lyrics to the polish polka that plays for the bridal dance. We never have called it a dollar dance or money dance until I heard it here on TK It should help you make a decision and understand the tradition better. I'm mobile and it won't let me post the lyrics with translation. Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

I have never been to a wedding in NY that did this dance and I would think it's very tacky and rude. Guests give the couple enough money as it is it's up too 300 dollars a couple in NY now. I dont see why they then need to be hit up with even MORE money.

happywife2b

The "Apron Dance" (correct name) is a tradition in many cultures ranging from the Mediteranian, Italy, EgyptianCoptic peoples, Spain, Portugal, Poland, Ukraine, Romania, and many other countries in Europe and Eastern Europe. It is a tradition on both sides of my family, but my SO is Cuban. He had never heard of the Apron Dance, and was horrified when I brought it up. He is mostly worried about what his family will think, since they tend to look down on other people and be intolerant of anything different. (Thank god my SO is not like that!! They all think he is crazy and weird, too!)

After considering this long and hard, I found a way to compromise on the issue. I came up with the idea of passing out dollar bills to every guest at the hostess station as they come in. Instead of a guest book, they will be given a pen to write a sentiment for us on the dollar bill, and then during the Apron Dance they will give me/us those same dollars back, and we will paste them into a scrap book. We are also including a page in our reception booklet about the dance, the tradition and what it symbolises, why it's a big deal... That way people 1. won't feel like we are asking them for $, and 2. will feel more like they are upholding a sacred tradition. My SO finally OK'ed this.

Nowadays the whole point of the dance is not to ask the family for money, but to spend a few seconds with each guest, say thank you for coming, etc. I will be limiting each dance to 15 seconds, since we will have a couple hundred people attending!

daffydillie

The proper name is actually Redovy. The "apron dance" is how it evolved in some cultures because the money was to be knotted and pinned to the dress. The idea behind the knotting was to keep the couple busy on their wedding night instead of well you know. Then the bride wore an apron then it evolved into the MOH holding a bag or apron. Generally the guest is given a shot, a piece of chocolate, or a pastry/piece of cake before they dance with the bride.
 
As I said in my prior post, there are variations in the lyrics depending on the town/part of the country the family is from. Some lyrics are risque, some funny, but the history behind it is very interesting.

I do find screaming "tacky" about family traditions pretty rude. My family isn't the only one that gives money to the newly weds. There are several other cultures that just whip money onto the dance floor at the couple or have the new bride dance in a head dress and traditional garb and relatives throw money at her.

Its like the history of anything else. If you are going to do the bridal dance, money dance, apron dance, or whatever you want to call it just for the money it will not be enjoyable at all and just be awkward. If you or your groom come from a very ethnic family that enjoys tradition it will be a blast. The last groom I saw crowd surfed to retrieve his bride and when they came back to the reception after she was carried off, she was in a beautiful reception dress and the dance party started.

erinlin25

I have seen the "dollar dance" at many weddings and never saw it as rude-- until I came to the knot!  I can see where as some people would see it being rude though so it really depends on the family/social circle on how to go about it.  If your mom thinks people will be offended, then I think the whole turning it into a wish dance would be best way to present it.  Some will send a wish and most likely groom side will give money.  of course stress to people its not mandatory to participate either way.  I don't think it is something for people to get all uppity about though.  If you don't like, don't participtate, simple as that. 

Lalilala

I'm from Spain and we have a similar tradition: the garter and tie are cut and then the guests pay to have a piece.

I've been to several weddings and even knowing the meaning of it I always found it rude and tacky.

I think it was a great idea when weddings were simplier and there was no regestry at all so people would bring a small gift and then also give some money to the newlyweds.

But things have changed a lot and after spending money on a dress, traveling and giving you a big gift or plenty of money I find it rude to ask for some more money, even if it's 1$.

I also hate it because I don't like to wear cash to weddings and if I do it's just for the taxi so it's very uncomfortable to have to say "sorry, unless you have an ATM here I can't participate"