Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Another Dad/Stepdad question

My daughter is getting married next year.  Her father and I divorced when she was 1.  I re-married when she was 5.  Her bio father has not been involved in her life for the last 20 years, but my husband, the step-dad is and has been.  He has two biological daughters of his own and he has never treated my daugter any differently than his own two.  He tells everyone he has 3 daughters.  My husband and I paying for the wedding with zero help or offers of help whatsoever from the dad.

Her dad's dad (her grandfather) has been involved in her life all along and he and the grandmother have been a big part of her life.

So the quandry is who walks her/who gives her away?

She's arriving in a carriage.  I suggested that her grandfather be at the end of the aisle to help her down from the carriage, then walk her halfway down the aisle where he would hand her off to her father.  The dad would walk her the rest of the way down the aisle, where he would hand her off to her step-dad, who would be waiting to give her away.  As instrumental as my husband has been in her life, to ME, it's important that he be the last one to hand her over to her groom. 

She doesn't like the idea of being handed off three times but said she would think about it.  Any other suggestions or ideas?  I've also said just leave the dad out all together and let her grandfather walk her down the aisle and hand her over to her stepdad.  She hasn't said as much, but I feel in her mind, she doesn't want to hurt her grandparents by not having her father (their son) involved in some way.

Thanks in advance!

Re: Another Dad/Stepdad question

  • edited September 2012
    In Response to Re:Another Dad/Stepdad question:[QUOTE]My daughter is getting married next year.nbsp; Her father and I divorced when she was 1.nbsp; I remarried when she was 5.nbsp; Her bio father has not been involved in her life for the last 20 years, but my husband, the stepdad is and has been.nbsp; He has two biological daughters of his own and he has never treated my daugter any differently than his own two.nbsp; He tells everyone he has 3 daughters.nbsp; My husband and I paying for the wedding with zero help or offers of help whatsoever from the dad.Her dad's dad her grandfather has been involved in her life all along and he and the grandmother have been a big part of her life.So the quandry is who walks her/who gives her away?She's arriving in a carriage.nbsp; I suggested that her grandfather be at the end of the aisle to help her down from the carriage, then walk her halfway down the aisle where he would hand her off to her father.nbsp; The dad would walk her the rest of the way down the aisle, where he would hand her off to her stepdad, who would be waiting to give her away.nbsp; As instrumental as my husband has been in her life, to ME, it's important that he be the last one to hand her over to her groom.nbsp; She doesn't like the idea of being handed off three times but said she would think about it.nbsp; Any other suggestions or ideas?nbsp; I've also said just leave the dad out all together and let her grandfather walk her down the aisle and hand her over to her stepdad.nbsp;nbsp;She hasn't said as much, but I feel in her mind, she doesn't want to hurt her grandparents by not having her father their son involved in some way.Thanks in advance! Posted by kimbiles[/QUOTE]

    Has she asked you for your input? Because if not, I urge you to let her makea this important and emotional decision for herself, without feeling pressure from you. Tell her you love her and you know whatever choice she makes will be the right one. Because it will be.
  • We have discussed it and yes, she has asked for my input.  It hurts me to see her hurt and so anxious over this decision when all of the others have been so easy.  I absolutely realize it is her decision to make and want it to be her decision.  She will have to live with it, not me.   I'm just trying to provide her with some options to choose from other than the traditional "dad walking her down the aisle" scenario.

    She knows I love her :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_another-dadstepdad-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:9c96b3af-2cd4-4f2e-bdfa-bdcaf0e28468Post:7bd42d5b-a243-44c1-aed8-f0c1f583657a">Re: Another Dad/Stepdad question</a>:
    [QUOTE]We have discussed it and yes, she has asked for my input.  It hurts me to see her hurt and so anxious over this decision when all of the others have been so easy.  I absolutely realize it is her decision to make and want it to be her decision.  <strong>She will have to live with it, not me.  </strong> I'm just trying to provide her with some options to choose from other than the traditional "dad walking her down the aisle" scenario. She knows I love her :)
    Posted by kimbiles[/QUOTE]

    That is a terrible low-blow statement. I don't want this to sound mean, but I'm so glad you aren't my mother.

    Please let your daughter ask who she'd like and do not give any more opinions...you sound like a busybody mother and one who doesn't realize her daughter is an adult.
  • I have a very similar situation. My father was never there in my life, and my step-father has been in my life since I was five. It was a VERY difficult decision for me, so to not have to pick sides, and to not offend/hurt anyone, I had them walk me down together, one on each arm. It was beautiful and everyone thought it was very touching to include both. That way she has both there, no one has hurt feelings, and there is not "handing off" along the way.
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  • HobokensFuryHobokensFury member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2012
    I wouldn't want to be "handed off" 3 times either. From your wording it sounds like you are pushing for your husband to do it. It's her choice. She can also choose to walk alone or with her fiance. There are no rules to this.
     
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_another-dadstepdad-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9c96b3af-2cd4-4f2e-bdfa-bdcaf0e28468Post:252c757b-5bce-4bb7-9904-cadf0057bb99">Re: Another Dad/Stepdad question</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a very similar situation. My father was never there in my life, and my step-father has been in my life since I was five. It was a VERY difficult decision for me, so to not have to pick sides, and to not offend/hurt anyone, I had them walk me down together, one on each arm. It was beautiful and everyone thought it was very touching to include both. That way she has both there, no one has hurt feelings, and there is not "handing off" along the way.
    Posted by mandi195[/QUOTE]


    I LOVE this idea!  How beautiful!
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited September 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_another-dadstepdad-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9c96b3af-2cd4-4f2e-bdfa-bdcaf0e28468Post:22697c35-4294-4aef-a6a0-bf07f310ae72">Another Dad/Stepdad question</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>As instrumental as my husband has been in her life, to ME, it's important that he be the last one to hand her over to her groom. </strong>
    Posted by kimbiles[/QUOTE]

    Your daughter probably feels like she is being pulled in many different directions. She doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, she knows you want her to choose your husband or do a 3 man handoff. Assure her that the decision is hers and that she can honor her step-father by respecting him in her everyday life. Promise you will back her decision and don't make a big deal of it, if she doesn't want the same thing that you want.

    Two more suggestions - YOU could walk her down the aisle. Or she could walk alone to show that she is entering into marriage of her own volition.

    Since the wedding is a year off, your daughter has plenty of time to think about this.
                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_another-dadstepdad-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:9c96b3af-2cd4-4f2e-bdfa-bdcaf0e28468Post:22697c35-4294-4aef-a6a0-bf07f310ae72">Another Dad/Stepdad question</a>:
    [QUOTE]My daughter is getting married next year.  Her father and I divorced when she was 1.  I re-married when she was 5.  Her bio father has not been involved in her life for the last 20 years, but my husband, the step-dad is and has been.  He has two biological daughters of his own and he has never treated my daugter any differently than his own two.  He tells everyone he has 3 daughters.  My husband and I paying for the wedding with zero help or offers of help whatsoever from the dad. Her dad's dad (her grandfather) has been involved in her life all along and he and the grandmother have been a big part of her life. So the quandry is who walks her/who gives her away? She's arriving in a carriage.  I suggested that her grandfather be at the end of the aisle to help her down from the carriage, then walk her halfway down the aisle where he would hand her off to her father.  The dad would walk her the rest of the way down the aisle, where he would hand her off to her step-dad, who would be waiting to give her away.  As instrumental as my husband has been in her life, to ME, it's important that he be the last one to hand her over to her groom.  She doesn't like the idea of being handed off three times but said she would think about it.  Any other suggestions or ideas?  I've also said just leave the dad out all together and let her grandfather walk her down the aisle and hand her over to her stepdad.  She hasn't said as much, but I feel in her mind, she doesn't want to hurt her grandparents by not having her father (their son) involved in some way. Thanks in advance!
    Posted by kimbiles[/QUOTE]

    As someone in a similar situation, I would be very unhappy if my mother tried to push a decision on me. I suggest maybe having her grandfather do it, but to be handed off 3 times is a little ridiculous.

    What does SHE want? It's the day where she is choosing to enter a marriage as an adult and that being, she can decide what she wants, regardless of what you want. I have issues with my father and am struggling to figure out how to involve him.

    You're right, it is a decision she'll have to live with, but if she feel's you forced her into a situation she didn't want, YOU will have to live with the resentment she may feel because of it. You said your input, now just support whatever she chooses.
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  • If the bio-father hasn't been in her life for the past 20 years why is he even at the wedding? I'm sorry but if you've been a deadbeat parent you don't get to magicly show up to one of the biggest days of someones life and be celebrated. If it were me I would be walking myself down or would have my mom do it.
  • You should leave on her to decide if she wants to be handed thrice or twice or just be with her fiancé right from the start.
  • Let her decide; if it were me and my dad was MIA my whole life, I wouldn't want him walking me down the aisle. I think its sweet to have the grandfather there to assist her and then handing her off, but I think it should just be the step father if that is who she considers the person who is "giving her away."  End of day, her choice.  Maybe she just feels torn that she has to have her biological dad do it, but wants her step dad to be the one to give her away.  I'd fins out who is she afraid of disappointing and help her make her decision by letting her know its nobody's choice but her own and that she will not be disappointing anyone...
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  • I feel for your daughter on this one! Why not have both walk her down? Or you walk her down and they meet her at the end of the aisle? If she isn't comfortable with that then just suggest who she is most closer to?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I think that you should let your daughter make that decision in her own good time.  If she doesn't want to do the triple hand-off, back off and respect that decision.  However important it is to you for her stepfather to escort her, whatever she ultimately decides on is going to be even more important to her, because she will not get to do it again.

    Please, back off, lose the line about "she will have to live with it," and let her make the decision without pressuring her.
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