Father of the Bride Drama

pandapants84

My father and I have always had a difficult relationship and there have been times when I considered cutting off contact but have always tried to make it work for my mom's sake. He offered to pay for my wedding and while he was very supportive at first, as the big day approaches he has heaped on the demands and is starting to be very unreasonable.
Most recently, he has threatened to book a Catholic priest to preform the ceremony (this may be impossible since we're not  getting married in the church) but I feel like he's doing this just to get out of paying for the officiant. While I was raised Catholic, my family stopped going to church when I was young and half my family are very vocal about not believing in God. My FI is Protestant and has strong feelings about the Catholic Church. When he brought it up he immediately said "And if your future in-laws don't like it, they can pay for a pastor themselves!" I feel he's just playing chicken, trying to force them to pay for this part of the wedding by being stubborn about something he knows no one wants.
He has been badmouthing my future in-laws quite a bit lately and I know he wants them to step up and offer to contribute. He threw a fit because he feels they aren't throwing an elaborate enough rehearsal dinner and since then has refused to pay for any other wedding related things. How do we ask my FI's parents to make additional contributions without implying they are cheap or letting on to the fact that my dad is being difficult?

[Deleted User]

First I would like to say how sorry I am that you are having to deal with the added stress, and it doesn't sound that is really a situation you can get out of without having more drama, or bad feelings. So I have to ask if there is anyway that you and your FI could come up with the money to pay for the officant without going into specifics about where the money came from to either your father or your FI's parents to make it easier and less likely to cause more trouble?

Hope things work out though ^^ for the better.

pandapants84

I thought about this and I'm not sure it would solve the much. Also, we recently experienced a huge financial set back so I'm furious that he's being so stubborn when we've had a string of bad luck recently. I think unless they approach him and say "We'd like to pay for ..." he's not going to be happy and knowing him, he's going to make it a lifelong thing. So any time he feels like starting a fight he'll just go straight to "And his cheap parents..."
FI told me this morning, he's going to be honest with him parents. They are a little oblivious to hints and he thinks it's silly to hide my father's true colors because he will most likely throw similar fits in the future, so his folks better get use to it.
It's frustrating that he seems determined to have problems with my future husband and in-laws. He's made jabs about my FI since day one (he doesn't think he makes enough money, thought he took too long to propose, etc) and doesn't seem to care that I really love him and he makes me really happy.

[Deleted User]

Honesty sounds like the best option, and hopefully it will all smooth out and things will come around. But I do offer many good wishes that it comes with a better run of luck in the future for you and your FI.  Hmmm thats a tough spot to be in though, and im sorry you have to have that sorta of thing, I can't imagine how hard it has to be hearing your father make jabs at your FI or the future members of your family. 

blush64

He can't book a priest for you, it isn't done that way. You would have to be married in the church because priests  won't marry you outside the church except in very rare circumstances. Also, you would have to go through pre-marriage counselling. And your FI would have to be ok with everything.

So, even if your dad want's to "book" a priest, he can't.

I would honestly either have a wedding I could afford without the help of my father or save up longer, postpone the wedding and then have a wedding I can afford. If he is paying for the wedding you will have to put up with him throughout the planning.

Just have an honest talk with your father about your plans and wants for the wedding day. See what you both agree on and what you disagree on. Let him know what can not be negotiated and if he can't be ok with it let him know you will not be accepting his help.

It might be harder but really, don't take his money. Then he will have nothing above your head.

EDITED: Also, do not ask your FI's parents to contribute any more money. It really isn't right to ask for more than they've offered.

I don't agree with your father but since he is using his money he would usually get a say in things. It's sad he's using that say to cause trouble. You mentioned he doesn't go to church anymore but could it be an issue for him that your FI has strong feelings about the Catholic church? (these feelings would be negative or it wouldn't be an issue) I know even the not very practicing members of my family would be insulted by someone who was outwardly against the church. (and especially if it were strong feelings against the church)

I guess the bottom line is if you are using his money you will have to put up with him. Not really worth it in my opinion.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

You don't ask for more money. Tell your dad, "fine, but we'll have to pay for everything else, and we can't afford x, y and z." You're likely going to have to deal with his current budget, or pay for it yourself which might mean postponing the wedding. FI's parents don't owe you anything. They aren't "cheap" because they prefer to spend their money on something else.

courtney1188

Tell him that if he can find a priest who will marry you at your ceremony site you have planned, then you are all for it. A whole lot easier than arguing with him. He'll never find one because this is something that a priest simply will not do since you're not getting married in a church.