The "Un-wedding?"

boaznruth

So...we were planning a destination wedding, just us, on the beach, in June.  Life had other plans and due to a series of very complicated and unfortunate events...we're getting married next week by a notary public.

Romantic...I know, but that is life sometimes.

I'm trying to stay positive about this, thinking about how I will be just as married.  Friends and family are encouraging us to keep the date in June and go to the Beach and have some sort of ceremony, but it all seems so...fake.  I mean, why spend the money?  Why not cancel the plans?  All I have done is put down a couple of deposits and bought the dress.  We'd be money ahead not to go and it would seem disingenine to have a ceremony that looks like a wedding, smells like a wedding, sounds like a wedding...when we're already Mr. and Mrs.

Thoughts?  And please, no flames...I'm down enough and don't need kicking!

pattib5

Do YOU want to have a beach wedding? Will you regret not having it later? If you don't care and are happy that you're married regardless of the celebration and not having pretty pictures, then skip it. But if you're sorry to see your beach wedding disappear, then have your beach celebration. Call it a delayed reception. And maybe call your ceremony a renewal of vows instead of a marriage ceremony.

I actually know a couple people who had a "secret" first small wedding, and then had the big to do with reception and all the following year. Their first small weddings were so romantic!

whitney37354

Could you go to the beach in June for a honeymoon?  Maybe have some pictures made on the beach to frame for display in your home?  I wouldn't have two ceremonies either.

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_the-un-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a1ca975e-f8ae-4fa7-9394-c2b56acfe89bPost:e0a5dd3b-aefc-48e8-aeaa-8acea4d9ae75">The "Un-wedding?"</a>:
[QUOTE]So...we were planning a destination wedding, just us, on the beach, in June.  Life had other plans and due to a series of very complicated and unfortunate events...we're getting married next week by a notary public. Romantic...I know, but that is life sometimes. I'm trying to stay positive about this, thinking about how I will be just as married.  Friends and family are encouraging us to keep the date in June and go to the Beach and have some sort of ceremony, but it all seems so...fake.  I mean, why spend the money?  Why not cancel the plans?  All I have done is put down a couple of deposits and bought the dress.  <strong>We'd be money ahead not to go and it would seem disingenine to have a ceremony that looks like a wedding, smells like a wedding, sounds like a wedding...when we're already Mr. and Mrs.</strong> Thoughts?  And please, no flames...I'm down enough and don't need kicking!
Posted by boaznruth[/QUOTE]
You are 100% in the right.  Don't have a fake wedding or a 3 month vow renewal.  Even though a courthouse wedding wasn't your dream it is what will make your marriage official and you should cherish the day.  Wear your dress if you already have it, or a nice outfit if you don't.  Buy yourself a bouquet and carry it.  Take some photos and have a wonderful wedding.

boaznruth

Well, there really isn't going to be a "first ceremony."  There's going to be us...in the living room of a friend who is a notary public, signing the papers.  It's better than the courthouse, though.  We went there to get the marriage license and they had the creepiest arbor with fake ivy covered in dust and ceiling tiles with water stains above it.  I think I would burst into tears, although we saw a couple excited and happy tying the knot there as we filed our paperwork.

I am disappointed...it's not like I'd planned for a lot or set my hopes for a huge wedding.  It's my second wedding and his first.  Still...I just wanted it to be something small and special that we could look back on with fondness.  Now it just feels like it's been reduced to an awkward legal procedure, which is pretty much all it is at this point.  I love him and I want to be his wife and I understand why it has to be this way and I agree, but I guess I'm just sad about it.

And that white dress in the back of my closet...just seems so empty.  

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_the-un-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a1ca975e-f8ae-4fa7-9394-c2b56acfe89bPost:cee914a3-9c1a-43d1-beb7-9f16b82bb4e8">Re: The "Un-wedding?"</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, there really isn't going to be a "first ceremony."  There's going to be us...in the living room of a friend who is a notary public, signing the papers.  It's better than the courthouse, though.  We went there to get the marriage license and they had the creepiest arbor with fake ivy covered in dust and ceiling tiles with water stains above it.  I think I would burst into tears, although we saw a couple excited and happy tying the knot there as we filed our paperwork. I am disappointed...it's not like I'd planned for a lot or set my hopes for a huge wedding.  It's my second wedding and his first.  <strong>Still...I just wanted it to be something small and special that we could look back on with fondness.</strong>  Now it just feels like it's been reduced to an awkward legal procedure, which is pretty much all it is at this point.  I love him and I want to be his wife and I understand why it has to be this way and I agree, but I guess I'm just sad about it. And that white dress in the back of my closet...just seems so empty.  :(
Posted by boaznruth[/QUOTE]
It can still be something small and special.  Say vows to each other, even if your notary is the only one there you and H will still remember saying the words to each other.  Wear your dress.

boaznruth

The dress still needs alterations.

I think my answer is that...sometimes, no matter how much you want something...the answer is no.  The wedding is just one day, but regardless of that getting botched...we have the rest of our lives together.  He is an amazing man who's been through so much with me and is worth so much more than a day in the sun or a white dress.  We don't even have a wedding ring, but we have each other.

redheadfsu

Wear your nicest outfit. Say a sweet poem, vows, etc to each other. Then go out to a nice dinner. That sounds awesome and so low stress!

I loved my DW, but it still had wedding drama. Going that low stress, is great! A wedding is what you make it. If you turn your mind into loving it and making it special, it will be. But if you focus on it not being what you planned, it will feel that way. Get your mindset into what you are doing and you can make it awesome!

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_the-un-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a1ca975e-f8ae-4fa7-9394-c2b56acfe89bPost:1e99cbcd-0406-48d4-8482-93ee27d7027c">Re: The "Un-wedding?"</a>:
[QUOTE]He is an amazing man who's been through so much with me and is worth so much more than a day in the sun or a white dress. 
Posted by boaznruth[/QUOTE]
That is so, so true.  Keep reminding yourself.<div>
</div><div>No matter what you decide to do, you're going to remember your wedding.  It will become special to you because it is special.</div><div>
</div><div>And I forgot to say it earlier, but I'm sorry that your circumstances dictate scrapping your original plan - I"m sure it's hard.</div>

pgcp

I'd get on the phone and find someone to do the alterations quickly, if they are simple enough a dry cleaner may be able to do it.  I'd then meet with the notary some where pretty, like a park, and say vows to one another.  Then go out to eat at some where really really awesome.  Is there a restaurant you've wanting to try out?  Go there, and treat yourselves to a multi course meal.  Make it a beautiful memory!

DramaGeek

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_the-un-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:a1ca975e-f8ae-4fa7-9394-c2b56acfe89bPost:09cf883b-e393-440d-883d-03109c1e47fc">Re: The "Un-wedding?"</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd get on the phone and find someone to do the alterations quickly, if they are simple enough a dry cleaner may be able to do it.  I'd then meet with the notary some where pretty, like a park, and say vows to one another.  Then go out to eat at some where really really awesome.  Is there a restaurant you've wanting to try out?  Go there, and treat yourselves to a multi course meal.  Make it a beautiful memory!
Posted by pgcp[/QUOTE]

This was exactly my thought.  It doesn't have to be just signing papers in someone's living room, and in fact I don't think it should  be.  It won't be the wedding you were planning and dreaming of, but it can still be a beautiful, meaningful day.

As far as what to do about the June plans, I'm with you - save the money.  Or, go and call it your honeymoon.  But personally I wouldn't do the ceremony because, like you said, it'd be fake.

monkeysip

I'm not trying to pry for personal information here, but if having a notary public marry you in the living room is not what you want, why are you doing it? There's nothing wrong with a courthouse wedding, a notary public wedding, or whatever, if that's what you want. But if it's not, why do you have to rush to get married right now that way? Can you not wait until you can have the stuff you want? Or can you at least have the notary marry you guys with a few family members present, in a park or something? Either way, of course, it IS your wedding day and you'll be marrying your love. I hope it goes well. I just don't like to hear that you're disappointed!

mcskatcat

I think there's still a lot you can do with what you have.  As others have said, you have the dress, you can get a bouquet and have photos taken.  I don't know where either of your families live, but if it's possible maybe they could join  you for a celebratory dinner that night too.  There's still plenty you can do. 

Even if you decide to go to the beach as your honeymoon, they'll still do vow renewals, even if it's not far in.  You don't have to have guests for something like that, and you could still have nice photos.  I know it's easy to get down about this, but lots of people haven't had the wedding of their dreams and still remember it fondly.  I would put on your creative cap and start thinking about how you could make this into a special day for the both of you.

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_the-un-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a1ca975e-f8ae-4fa7-9394-c2b56acfe89bPost:b9df3060-f714-43f7-9d19-791b2225995c">Re: The "Un-wedding?"</a>:
[QUOTE]My friends got married in the park near their house. It was just them, their parents, a couple close friends, and an officiant. She wore her wedding dress, and he wore a suit. One of the friends in attendance took pictures for them. They went out to eat at a nice restaurant afterward.
Posted by burntofferings[/QUOTE]
That sounds really nice, actually.  For something like that you wouldn't even need a permit - just walk to the park and find a nice tree to stand under.

goobersinlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_the-un-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a1ca975e-f8ae-4fa7-9394-c2b56acfe89bPost:09cf883b-e393-440d-883d-03109c1e47fc">Re: The "Un-wedding?"</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd get on the phone and find someone to do the alterations quickly, if they are simple enough a dry cleaner may be able to do it.  I'd then meet with the notary some where pretty, like a park, and say vows to one another.  Then go out to eat at some where really really awesome.  Is there a restaurant you've wanting to try out?  Go there, and treat yourselves to a multi course meal.  Make it a beautiful memory!
Posted by pgcp[/QUOTE]

This is great advise.

If you need to get married next week based on your circumstances, at least do you very best to make it as good as it can be.  Even though it really, really sucks to have to cancel your original plans, that doesn't mean you have to throw your hands up and say fvck it and not do anything special at all.  There are lots and lots of ways to make an elopement special. Will your notary friend take some pictures for you too? Remember that you only get one shot at the moment - please don't be sad on your wedding day.

Keep your head up!

AurorasEnvy

Most PPs have good advice.  What about taking your dress with you if you guys have a beach honeymoon (even a delayed honeymoon?) and having professional photos taken on a beach?  I know someone who got married & went to Hawaii for their honeymoon, and brought their dress for a photoshoot....the photos were amazing!

goobersinlove

http://www.intimateweddings.com/blog/real-weddings-hannah-jesses-louisville-elopement-ceremony/

OP, check out this elopement story ^^^

They talk about how special their wedding was, just the two of them being married by their friend.  She says:

"We tried to just go to a lot of fun places, restaurants that we knew supported our local farm friends and fun locations to take photos. It was a really simple day full of nice activities and walking around … simple, but really special. Definitely a day we can remember every detail of, which I think hardly happens for most traditional brides/grooms with the stress and build-up to their huge wedding day."

boaznruth

So...tonight is the night.

I couldn't get the dress altered in time.  We're going to meet at our friends' house and have a very brief ceremony in their backyard, under the stars.  Luckily, like most people where we life, their backyard does have a palm tree or two.  We plan on each just saying what is in our hearts, what brought us together and what has kept us together.  Then, I think we'll have a small picnic and walk on the beach.  (Again, luckily we have such things within a short drive already.)

We are still considering keeping the trip as a honeymoon and, as others suggested, getting pictures taken with me in my dress and with him in his khakis and shirt, just as we'd planned.  For now, I think we're both too emotional to cancel or make plans, so we're going to wait until after today, at the very least.

As far as the whys as to how this happened...I don't know if I could explain all that in a way that would make sense.  Suffice it to say that our timeline was unexpectedly taken out of our hands.

I may be disappointed in the details, but the one thing I'm definitely not disappointed about is the groom and the fact that, after tonight, I will be his Mrs.  I would far rather have a long and happy marriage with a ho-hum wedding day than a gorgeous wedding and not have him.  We have the rest of our lives to celebrate and eat cake and the rest of our lives begins tonight under the stars.  

ceh789

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_the-un-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a1ca975e-f8ae-4fa7-9394-c2b56acfe89bPost:03d8b8c3-7eff-427b-9ba3-4a0ffe329923">Re: The "Un-wedding?"</a>:
[QUOTE]So...tonight is the night. I couldn't get the dress altered in time.  We're going to meet at our friends' house and have a very brief ceremony in their backyard, under the stars.  Luckily, like most people where we life, their backyard does have a palm tree or two.  We plan on each just saying what is in our hearts, what brought us together and what has kept us together.  Then, I think we'll have a small picnic and walk on the beach.
Posted by boaznruth[/QUOTE]
That sounds wonderful.  Congratulations on your wedding day - I'm sure it's bittersweet but focus on the sweet :)

boaznruth

So...we didn't go through with it.

Again, I don't want to go into too many excruciating details, but our reasons are complicated and religious-based.  Basically, my fiance put in a call to the powers that be and more fully explained the situation to them.  They relented (we were going to have to have a small religious service later no matter how we wed civilly) and we are now on hold pending the decisions of a few people.

So...I may yet have my wedding on the beach...or some sort of wedding of some sort at some time...somewhere.  For now, though, I'm still a Miss.

It's frustrating when your plans are so far out of your hands and so subject to the changing whims of others, particularly when my wants are for something simple and small.  (You'd think that would simply things, but alas not!)  Still, I'm happy that we're going through this...together and instead of being frustrated with each other, we are joking about the craziness of it all.

Thank you all for your thoughtful suggestions and support.  It really did make a big difference to me and I appreciate all of it.

KJeffs

My husband and I got married very young (19) and he was a differend religon then I am so his family did not aprove. We were married by the judge at the court house with about four people there. We were married for 16 amazing years before he died....he family did not even come to his funeral. I would not have changed one thing...it gave me 16 years with my best friend.

boaznruth

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_the-un-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a1ca975e-f8ae-4fa7-9394-c2b56acfe89bPost:47bbf04f-3b08-426f-9987-af3ea1fe703b">Re: The "Un-wedding?"</a>:
[QUOTE]My husband and I got married very young (19) and he was a differend religon then I am so his family did not aprove. We were married by the judge at the court house with about four people there. We were married for 16 amazing years before he died....he family did not even come to his funeral. I would not have changed one thing...it gave me 16 years with my best friend.
Posted by KJeffs[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is beautiful.  I'm sorry for your loss, but so very happy that you two were able to have the time you did, despite his family's issues.</div><div>
</div><div>We have a complicated religious situation, but it looks like it will be resolved at some point in the future.  I fell in love with his religion as well as him, so it is a bit easier to handle the strictures imposed on us.  There are just times I wish the path was straighter and that we had more control over things.  In the end, though, I picture the rest of our life as being more meaningful within his traditions than outside of them and that is what matters more to me than what we have to do to get there.

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