So is it wrong, bad, in bad taste

rachelloss

I don't think I can or want to have a bridal shower or a bachelorette party of sorts. I am planning on finding a place for me and my closest friends to hang out the night before after the rehersal. But I have a summer job that has me working weekends. I live 100 miles away from my friends and family and I don't want them to feel the need to fly down twice. It doesn't help that I already have my friends wedding to go to and have been flying up for her events when I can. But probably the most important part of it is my friends are scattered all over the world too. Some of them have never met each other so its not like I have the sorority girls or something I want to go out with. I am going to try to hang out with the bridesmaids in a few weeks one last time before starting my job, its my sisters and best friend and his sister. I will see her at his graduation in a few weeks for his school thing. So I plan on hanging with her some then and giving her the dress and the necklace I picked out and bought for each of my girls. I am worried that my lack of needing attention, and my lack of wanting gifts in general might be making me not want to put the effort into putting this together. I also know my maids of honor, yes I have two my best friend and my baby sister, have been busy with their own thing. My sister is in college and is 20 years old and has her own drama going on. My best friend is also a bridesmaid in my friends wedding so has been running around with that too and was a maid of honor in her sisters wedding a few weeks ago so she has been busy busy busy. This will be her third wedding of being a bridesmaid in a year. Also my mother is doing a lot of stuff and is sick too. Also his parents don't want us to get married. His sister is upset because she is having a baby a few weeks ahead of time. We picked the date before she got pregnant. And I have been trying to find a venue and failing so far. I hate hotel ball rooms and am afraid of rain and need a backup plan and am finding none. But I have a good idea and a back up if that doesn't work now but I am still waiting to hear back. Actually its going to be an aquarium that I am working at this summer but they are doing renovations right now so not ready to talk events in September. But also trying to figure out if we can have a priest marry us on the beach is another problem I am worried about. But I digressed off the basic point of this post. Do you think its wrong that we skipped the egagement party, shower, and bachlorette and bachlor party? Do you have any ideas about how to make it work.




Ok as helpful as you all are trying to be.....I realize its not my job to plan them....I am just saying...yes I shouldn't have to plan them but if I only have a (one singular) time that they could even throw me one and its in a week, should I just plan it or is it so not worth all that. So please stop telling me its not my thing to plan. Its not that they don't care and its not that they wouldn't. I dont' need a prep talk about turning down a party. I just wanted to know if anyone else is in the same boat and their feelings. Or if anyone regreted not having one or was happy that they didn't have time to. 

mcskatcat

I'll be honest, if you could rephrase everything you just said it would help.  Your post is extremely confusing and I cannot tell for sure what you are asking.

I think you're asking if it's okay to have your wedding without having all of the pre-wedding parties.  Yes, that's okay.  Many people get married without a bachelorette, engagement party or showers.  Those are parties that friends or family volunteer to throw for you because they want to celebrate your upcoming nuptials, so don't think that you need to worry about throwing those things.

As far as what you want to do for the wedding, there are so many options that it is bound to be confusing.  After you've set a budget, come up with a rough guest list so you have an idea of how many people will be there.  It sounds like you'll be footing the bill yourselves, so you don't have to add people that your parents or FI's parents want to invite. 

From there you can plan based on what works with your guest list and budget.  If the aquarium is in your price range and can seat the amount of people you want, then go for it!  Take it step by step and it will all work out.  There are a lot of planning checklists on the Knot, and the budget board might be a step in the right direction as well.

rachelloss

Thanks for your help. But that is the real problem. There is no budget the aquarium can give me currently or how many they can seat excetra. But yeah, basically I was looking for some responces about not having those things. Did people regret not having them, did they wonder if they shouldn't, things like that. I know I don't have to plan them, but I hate asking others to do things or expecting things from them. I mean I am only really asking for my bridesmaids to be my friends and to show up.

Mimmer04

You are not supposed to plan any of the pre-wedding parties, engagement, bachelor/bachelorette, or showers.  If no one offers to host those things for you, you don't get them even if you want them.

If someone offers to host something, you can then decide to accept or decline based upon your wants/needs.  It is fine to decline.  Its not the end of the world not to have those parties and it is not in bad taste to skip them if that's what you want.

helleb

I am having a VERY small wedding and most of my extended family won't even be invited.  We are not having an engagement party and as far as showers if someone offers they offer but it would be very small because I am not inviting them to the wedding.  As far as the bachelorette/bachelor party we are doing the same thing.  Just taking some time to spend with our closest friends but to call it a party would be odd.  I don't feel we are missing out on anything because we will have the wedding to spend time with everyone and have fun. 

I may just be mis-reading things and please don't take this the wrong way but you have every right to celebrate and be excited for your wedding.  You deserve to be celebrated too and just because everyone has a lot going on doesn't mean you need to fore-go things that will make you happy to make it easier on everyone else.  (I am trying to say that in a very non-bridezilla way)  Being humble and modest is good but lose out on things you feel like you might regret not having.

spiment

Rachelloss: I'm having the same struggle and decided que sera sera. I'm certainly not asking or requesting or even hoping for any of these things, but if people want to celebrate our marriage through these events, I will graciously and humbly accept. Sometimes people just like to do that stuff. And I think it's safe to tell your friends or whoever, when they offer these things, that they shouldn't feel obliged in any way...

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_so-is-it-wrong-bad-in-bad-taste?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a8060eae-d224-4c52-ba4a-12a6373f8bd7Post:b9bddee7-7944-4c6f-a03b-32007ac76fb1">Re: So is it wrong, bad, in bad taste</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your help. But that is the real problem. There is no budget the aquarium can give me currently or how many they can seat excetra. But yeah, basically I was looking for some responces about not having those things. Did people regret not having them, did they wonder if they shouldn't, things like that. I know I don't have to plan them, <strong>but I hate asking others to do things or expecting things from them</strong>. I mean I am only really asking for my bridesmaids to be my friends and to show up.
Posted by rachelloss[/QUOTE]

Well it is really rude to ask or expect someone to host a party for you. So don't worry about the parties and if someone offers (without you saying anything) you can decide whether you want the party AFTER they offer. Stop worrying now.

MyUserName1

No, it is not wrong to skip them as you should not host or plan your own engagement party, shower, or bachelorette.

melb2013

I have very similar circumstances.  My friends are spread around the country and I know that they will come to my wedding, but I don't want to make them feel like they have to come to pre wedding parties too.  My FSIL offered to throw me a shower, but I've declined.  I don't feel like it's necessary, and it's really not for me.  I'd also like to add that no one in my family has had bridal showers or bachelorette parties.

MiksChick23

I stopped at "flying down" and living 100 miles apart. This is a 2 hour drive. I have people coming much farther than that.

Don't host anything yourself, if someone offers, you can accept or decline. There is no requirement to have these type of parties.

rachelloss

So I don't have time to be at a party and a lot of my friends haven't met each other so how would my best friend and baby sister know even who I would want invited? That was more my point. Did anyone find they wished they had on or wished they hadn't went through the trouble or that someone hadn't spent the time to plan it for you.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_so-is-it-wrong-bad-in-bad-taste?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a8060eae-d224-4c52-ba4a-12a6373f8bd7Post:5a4dd57a-1484-41cb-b55f-8d5480f324b1">Re: So is it wrong, bad, in bad taste</a>:
[QUOTE]So I don't have time to be at a party and a lot of my friends haven't met each other so how would my best friend and baby sister know even who I would want invited? That was more my point. Did anyone find they wished they had on or wished they hadn't went through the trouble or that someone hadn't spent the time to plan it for you.
Posted by rachelloss[/QUOTE]

<div>If your sister or friend decided to offer to throw you a shower, they would call you and ask for a guest list.  That's the way it's done even if your friends all know each other.  </div>

amaczu

This thread made me feel a little better.  I've been wondering about these kinds of things mostly because my mom originally wanted to throw an engagement party for us, but there were two other weddings right after our engagement so we didn't want to have the family driving all over the place and dropping money on gifts if they felt obligated all around Christmas...time went on and it just wasn't the right time to have an engagement party. 

Now she is planning my bridal shower, but to be honest the wedding is very small and mostly family.  My girl friends all went cross-country to study and I can't afford to have them fly back home nor would I ask them to do that on their own $$.  I too feel a bit guilty about having multiple parties and asking for gifts, but my mom really wants to throw it, I just hope she isn't disappointed when only a few people show up

jemmini6

Your OP was way too long to read, but from the gist of it, I'll guess at an appropriate answer.

My sister, who was my MOH, offered me both a bridal shower and bachelorette party.  I declinded a bridal shower because I did not want one (I detest shower games) and I don't regret it at all.  I accepted the bachelorette party, and she discussed what she had in mind, including dates and guests.  There were several people who could not attend because they were out of state, including my other sister who was a bridesmaid.  I would never have asked anyone to fly in twice just for a b-part.  We did something very low key and appropriate for a smaller amount of people and we had fun.

DMoore421

The planning of the pre wedding parties and events I have found depend on where you are ... My experience.. In the south the bride very much has a Say on when and where and who comes. Even picking out everything. Up north it's more surprise or bride is hands Off

xxbyamomentx

100 miles isn't all that far, but personally, I don't think any of the bridal showers and bachelorrette parties are really needed. We aren't doing any of them either, and it isn't in poor taste to not want them. We don't even have bridesmaids and groomsmen. It's your day!

kristin neo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_so-is-it-wrong-bad-in-bad-taste?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a8060eae-d224-4c52-ba4a-12a6373f8bd7Post:981b281d-7d6e-4b0d-9fba-352d5c1d66f4">Re: So is it wrong, bad, in bad taste</a>:
[QUOTE]You are not supposed to plan any of the pre-wedding parties, engagement, bachelor/bachelorette, or showers.  If no one offers to host those things for you, you don't get them even if you want them. If someone offers to host something, you can then decide to accept or decline based upon your wants/needs.  It is fine to decline.  Its not the end of the world not to have those parties and it is not in bad taste to skip them if that's what you want.
Posted by Mimmer04[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>there is no law that stats she cant plan any or all of these events herself..many brides do and its total fine if she does 

</div>

kristin neo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_so-is-it-wrong-bad-in-bad-taste?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:a8060eae-d224-4c52-ba4a-12a6373f8bd7Post:894e28c0-e273-4de4-9f19-4c04907d92fa">So is it wrong, bad, in bad taste</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think I can or want to have a bridal shower or a bachelorette party of sorts. I am planning on finding a place for me and my closest friends to hang out the night before after the rehersal. But I have a summer job that has me working weekends. I live 100 miles away from my friends and family and I don't want them to feel the need to fly down twice. It doesn't help that I already have my friends wedding to go to and have been flying up for her events when I can. But probably the most important part of it is my friends are scattered all over the world too. Some of them have never met each other so its not like I have the sorority girls or something I want to go out with. I am going to try to hang out with the bridesmaids in a few weeks one last time before starting my job, its my sisters and best friend and his sister. I will see her at his graduation in a few weeks for his school thing. So I plan on hanging with her some then and giving her the dress and the necklace I picked out and bought for each of my girls. I am worried that my lack of needing attention, and my lack of wanting gifts in general might be making me not want to put the effort into putting this together. I also know my maids of honor, yes I have two my best friend and my baby sister, have been busy with their own thing. My sister is in college and is 20 years old and has her own drama going on. My best friend is also a bridesmaid in my friends wedding so has been running around with that too and was a maid of honor in her sisters wedding a few weeks ago so she has been busy busy busy. This will be her third wedding of being a bridesmaid in a year. Also my mother is doing a lot of stuff and is sick too. Also his parents don't want us to get married. His sister is upset because she is having a baby a few weeks ahead of time. We picked the date before she got pregnant. And I have been trying to find a venue and failing so far. I hate hotel ball rooms and am afraid of rain and need a backup plan and am finding none. But I have a good idea and a back up if that doesn't work now but I am still waiting to hear back. Actually its going to be an aquarium that I am working at this summer but they are doing renovations right now so not ready to talk events in September. But also trying to figure out if we can have a priest marry us on the beach is another problem I am worried about. But I digressed off the basic point of this post. Do you think its wrong that we skipped the egagement party, shower, and bachlorette and bachlor party? Do you have any ideas about how to make it work. Ok as helpful as you all are trying to be.....I realize its not my job to plan them....I am just saying...yes I shouldn't have to plan them but if I only have a (one singular) time that they could even throw me one and its in a week, should I just plan it or is it so not worth all that. So please stop telling me its not my thing to plan. Its not that they don't care and its not that they wouldn't. I dont' need a prep talk about turning down a party. I just wanted to know if anyone else is in the same boat and their feelings. Or if anyone regreted not having one or was happy that they didn't have time to. 
Posted by rachelloss[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>its not wrong to not have them, if nobody offers to plan them..great but if they do you can say no thank you</div><div>you can just hang with your girls </div><div>
</div>