Baptist/Lutheran Wedding

kris98

Hi everyone!

My fiance and I are getting married next June and we've been running into some issues concerning family and customs because of our religions.  He is an Independent Baptist and I am an Evangelical Lutheran. We have been attending my church and had planned to do our ceremony in the Lutheran faith.  However, problems are arising with our reception.  While he is okay with a more secular reception ("worldly" music, dancing, and alcohol), we are concerned that his extremely devout family will not attend the reception because of those things.  While we want more than anything to have his family there, we would also like to have fun and enjoy those aspects of our wedding with our other friends and my family.  Does anyone have any suggestions or tips? Thanks!

s-aries8990

I think this is where you and FI have to come to a compromise/agreement. Talk it out

If his family refuses to attend, it's on them, but how important are those elements of a more secular reception? Is it important to you that there be good music, dancing and the option for alcohol? Or is his extended family's presence more important?

I think that it's a poor excuse for his family to not attend, at least for a short while, because there are those elements (maybe stay for dinner, but leave once dancing commences), but it's their decision and you should respect that.

Maybe if you go with the more secular reception and his family refuses, you could invite them to a low-key (we're talking jeans and flats and maybe a casual dress) cookout/open house hosted by you and FI (will be DH by then) and have a get together with them (NOT A DIFFERENT RECEPTION) in a setting that is more comfortable for them.

KatWAG

Do you mean that you are a practicing ALC Lutheran and not a LCMS?

I think this is up to your FI. What is more imporant to him? His families comfort or a more "secular reception?"

Is his family contributing to the wedding? Has he had any sort of discussion with his family  on this subject?

[Deleted User]

Talk to the VIP's of his family and see if they are ok with those things and if not, find out what specific things they have issues with. With the music it may be a simple issue of telling the DJ not to play anything that is vulgar or music that may lead to inapproriate styles of dancing. For the drinking, if they have an issue with that, you and FI have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you or if it might just be more worth it to save money on booze to make his family more comfortable and offer other drinks (lots of great mocktail options out these days).

Hopefully you can talk to them and come to a compromise that they are comfortable with and you & FI are too. Keeping my fingers crossed that they come to ceremony & reception & maybe just leave when the DJ turns up the music for the dancing party to start.

Good luck! (it will probably mean alot to his family when you approach them about this because it shows that their beliefs do matter to you)

NYCMercedes

Have you talked to his family? My dear friends baptist friends don't drink coffee or alcohol and don't dance at weddings and parties. Yet, they still attend and have a good time. Also, they'll let everyone drink wine and coffee when they host parties.

MoonlightSilver

Have they been asking you what the reception will be like? I'm not sure how this comes up in conversation before the wedding. 

Is it possible for you to have a more muted atmosphere during the dinner portion of the reception, and then open up the party afterward? That way if his family is against it, they can still come and enjoy dinner with you and leave after.

kris98

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_baptistlutheran-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b16548af-63b8-4486-801a-ff2d881a9d47Post:51399b8b-4390-45c5-b5fc-1f473ca0fc14">Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you mean that you are a practicing ALC Lutheran and not a LCMS? I think this is up to your FI. What is more imporant to him? His families comfort or a more "secular reception?" Is his family contributing to the wedding? Has he had any sort of discussion with his family  on this subject?
Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]

Yes, I am a practicing ALC Lutheran.  His family is not contributing to the wedding.  His family doesn't see eye to eye on a lot of things.  Half of them are very devout and the other half is very secular.  We would like to make everyone happy, but either way, someone will not be.  It's become a bit of an all or nothing situation.

kris98

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_baptistlutheran-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b16548af-63b8-4486-801a-ff2d881a9d47Post:48a82d19-c1a0-4c50-a36e-e3c8374d197b">Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Talk to the VIP's of his family and see if they are ok with those things and if not, find out what specific things they have issues with. With the music it may be a simple issue of telling the DJ not to play anything that is vulgar or music that may lead to inapproriate styles of dancing. For the drinking, if they have an issue with that, you and FI have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you or if it might just be more worth it to save money on booze to make his family more comfortable and offer other drinks (lots of great mocktail options out these days). Hopefully you can talk to them and come to a compromise that they are comfortable with and you & FI are too. Keeping my fingers crossed that they come to ceremony & reception & maybe just leave when the DJ turns up the music for the dancing party to start. Good luck! (it will probably mean alot to his family when you approach them about this because it shows that their beliefs do matter to you)
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much! This was very helpful!

kris98

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_baptistlutheran-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b16548af-63b8-4486-801a-ff2d881a9d47Post:a7b19ace-f529-43f4-97e7-99f8a52e5800">Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Have you talked to his family? My dear friends baptist friends don't drink coffee or alcohol and don't dance at weddings and parties. Yet, they still attend and have a good time. Also, they'll let everyone drink wine and coffee when they host parties.
Posted by NYCMercedes[/QUOTE]

We have discussed this with some members of his family and they were very clear that it would not be tolerated. He is one of seven and about 3/4 of them are extremely devout.  No secular music (hymns and Christian music only, but nothing with drums or guitars or with a "rock" sound to it), no dancing, and no drinking alcohol.  I'm not very familiar with the Baptist faith, but this is an Independent Baptist sect that they are members of. I don't know if maybe that is more strict than other sects?

kris98

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_baptistlutheran-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b16548af-63b8-4486-801a-ff2d881a9d47Post:238fbdad-853e-42be-98ce-7104e4e8159e">Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Have they been asking you what the reception will be like? I'm not sure how this comes up in conversation before the wedding.  Is it possible for you to have a more muted atmosphere during the dinner portion of the reception, and then open up the party afterward? That way if his family is against it, they can still come and enjoy dinner with you and leave after.
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

We have discussed it with them. They were very clear that they would not attend the reception of there were elements that they didn't agree with.  They're not okay with the fact that the reception will be Lutheran, but they agreed to come to that.  We may be able to have a more muted recption in the beginning, as it is <span class="st">hors d'oeuvres and desserts.
</span>

Jen4948

Normally I'm not a fan of tiered receptions, but can you privately have an after-celebration after the reception with the alcohol, dancing, and whatever else they won't tolerate for his side and anyone else who'd like to be there?

jjtauber

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_baptistlutheran-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:b16548af-63b8-4486-801a-ff2d881a9d47Post:30200ea8-5e7d-486f-a879-3c8377fb1d57">Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Normally I'm not a fan of tiered receptions, but can you privately have an after-celebration after the reception with the alcohol, dancing, and whatever else they won't tolerate for his side and anyone else who'd like to be there?
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]


I attended a wedding last September and the bride's parents were Mormon. While there was no alcohol or caffeine at the reception, there was an after-party. The reception ended around 8-ish and those who were interested moved on to a bar.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_baptistlutheran-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b16548af-63b8-4486-801a-ff2d881a9d47Post:30200ea8-5e7d-486f-a879-3c8377fb1d57">Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Normally I'm not a fan of tiered receptions, but can you privately have an after-celebration after the reception with the alcohol, dancing, and whatever else they won't tolerate for his side and anyone else who'd like to be there?
Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

It wouldn't be tiered if the devout <em>decided</em> to leave once the bar and band began.

FruitSnack84

Wow, I'm in almost the same situation, my family is ELCA Lutheran and FI's family goes to a "church of Christ' church (it's an independent church of 30 people). They are very anti-drinking, and don't believe in dancing....but my family drinks at all family functions and we love to dance! It's going to be a problem, but we are having an open bar and dancing at our wedding. If they don't like it, they don't have to do it, but I'm not going to bore my family and friends and give in to the judginess in his family.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_baptistlutheran-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b16548af-63b8-4486-801a-ff2d881a9d47Post:224cde65-02f6-404e-9b02-1ca3c8043a57">Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding : It wouldn't be tiered if the devout decided to leave once the bar and band began.
Posted by sydaries[/QUOTE]

That's good.

SmallenForever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_baptistlutheran-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b16548af-63b8-4486-801a-ff2d881a9d47Post:4c65f5ba-0f73-4e5e-b2a2-c0a97bb484c7">Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding : We have discussed this with some members of his family and they were very clear that it would not be tolerated. He is one of seven and about 3/4 of them are extremely devout.  No secular music (hymns and Christian music only, but nothing with drums or guitars or with a "rock" sound to it), no dancing, and no drinking alcohol. <strong> I'm not very familiar with the Baptist faith, but this is an Independent Baptist sect that they are members of. I don't know if maybe that is more strict than other sects?</strong>
Posted by kris98[/QUOTE]

<div>My whole family is Baptist and we are fine with music, dancing, and drinking. Some of us are more strict than others (for example, my immediate family doesn't drink). So yeah, their sect is way more strict than most Baptists. </div>

PhoneCardLady

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_baptistlutheran-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:b16548af-63b8-4486-801a-ff2d881a9d47Post:4f8e770c-0969-45f6-b554-7b5cd391c660">Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Baptist/Lutheran Wedding : My whole family is Baptist and we are fine with music, dancing, and drinking. Some of us are more strict than others (for example, my immediate family doesn't drink). So yeah, their sect is way more strict than most Baptists. 
Posted by SmallenForever[/QUOTE]

I am Southern Baptist and supposedly we don't do ANYTHING - Swear, smoke, dance, play cards, wear makeup or gamble.  I have done everything!

I may have a dry wedding but it is more out of respect for my dad who is a dry alcoholic, although he said I could have alcohol if I wanted to.

Oh, and my FI?  Catholic, non-practicing.