tailoring a Christian service

nanderson09

Hi everyone, 

I would really appreciate your input on something. Back when we started planning, our best man's father (who is a pastor at a church) offered to perform our service. We thought it sounded really sweet and personal, so we took him up on it.

Now that we are actually getting around to planning our service, he sent us a template of the service that he usually does for the members of his church. I should have seen this coming, but it is a very religious ceremony, and not necessarily suited for our wedding for several reasons:

1. There will be a number of non-Christian guests at our wedding...I don't want to subject the entire gathering to super Christian service. And...

2. Neither FI nor I are outwardly religious. That's not to say that we aren't believers, but the super Christian ceremony just doesn't fit well with who we are.

We are hoping to tailor the ceremony to fit better with our relationship and with our multi-cultural gathering. Is it rude to ask our pastor to cut out some of the really religious parts? Or even just start from scratch and write the ceremony ourselves? We don't want to hurt his feelings since this is what he does, but we also want to plan the service that fits our wedding. THanks for the input. 

Also, FI will be asking BM today to see what he thinks. 

sister2groom

It would be a odd from his perspective. I mean, you are Christians and you knew he was pastor. I would talk to him because he may or may not be willing to perform a ceremony you write from scratch.

redheadfsu

I think it is kind of strange that you told him you wanted him to perform your ceremony, if you didn't want a religious ceremony. What did you except? You need to ask him if he is comfortable performing a ceremony that is not religious.

Now, you two need to have a ceremony that makes you comfortable, but I am shocked that you did not expect this. Since you want a non-religious ceremony, it might be best to find new officiate who performs non-religious ceremonies.

p.s. I'm not religious

ewurgler

My dad is a pastor who officiates LOTS of wedding and has absolutely no problem tailoring the ceremony to whatever the couple wants.  He is more "liberal," but I think it is common for couples to cut out certain traditional things, like "who gives this woman," "now pronounce you man and wife" as well as readings from Paul on submission (barf).  Any pastor will be used to tailoring--he just sent you the standard that very religious people want or expect.  Don't feel bad about approaching him to change things.  It's his job, he is used to it.

Beachy730

We were married in a Catholic church and had the option of doing just a ceremony, or doing a full Catholic mass.  The ceremony is recommended for multi-denominational families so that you aren't having a ceremong that excludes one of the familiies.  I would just ask him if he also performs just a ceremong, with less of the religious aspects of it in honor of some of your guests.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_tailoring-christian-service?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b71f21c2-2b1c-4206-af7c-1becad91e13cPost:30c020a2-5fa0-4971-8ec8-b77d73404c72">tailoring a Christian service</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi everyone,  I would really appreciate your input on something. Back when we started planning, our best man's father (who is a pastor at a church) offered to perform our service. We thought it sounded really sweet and personal, so we took him up on it. Now that we are actually getting around to planning our service, he sent us a template of the service that he usually does for the members of his church. I should have seen this coming, but it is a very religious ceremony, and not necessarily suited for our wedding for several reasons: 1. There will be a number of non-Christian guests at our wedding...I don't want to subject the entire gathering to super Christian service. And... 2. Neither FI nor I are outwardly religious. That's not to say that we aren't believers, but the super Christian ceremony just doesn't fit well with who we are. We are hoping to tailor the ceremony to fit better with our relationship and with our multi-cultural gathering. Is it rude to ask our pastor to cut out some of the really religious parts? Or even just start from scratch and write the ceremony ourselves? We don't want to hurt his feelings since this is what he does, but we also want to plan the service that fits our wedding. THanks for the input.  Also, FI will be asking BM today to see what he thinks. 
Posted by nanderson09[/QUOTE]

Please don't use excuse #1, because it's just silly.  If someone attends a ceremony in a church, they can expect to hear a religious ceremony.  I'm Presbyterian, but am not at all offended when I attend a Catholic wedding, or a Jewish wedding, or a secular wedding.    If people are so silly that they get up in arms because they're hearing a Christian ceremony IN A CHURCH, then they have bigger problems.

I think it's odd that you would accept the offer of ordained clergy to perform you wedding, but not want it "too religious".  Anyway:  talk to him.  Tell him the parts of the template you like, and the parts you want to leave out or change.

If he is not comfortable with what you want, he'll withdraw his offer. I'm guessing he'll be willing to work with you.  But don't blame your guests for something that is really YOUR choice.

nanderson09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_tailoring-christian-service?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:b71f21c2-2b1c-4206-af7c-1becad91e13cPost:3034ba23-80c4-4f7d-8b8f-a7d1cb2b56a9">Re: tailoring a Christian service</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to tailoring a Christian service : Please don't use excuse #1, because it's just silly.  If someone attends a ceremony in a church, they can expect to hear a religious ceremony.  I'm Presbyterian, but am not at all offended when I attend a Catholic wedding, or a Jewish wedding, or a secular wedding.    If people are so silly that they get up in arms because they're hearing a Christian ceremony IN A CHURCH, then they have bigger problems. I think it's odd that you would accept the offer of ordained clergy to perform you wedding, but not want it "too religious".  Anyway:  talk to him.  Tell him the parts of the template you like, and the parts you want to leave out or change. If he is not comfortable with what you want, he'll withdraw his offer. I'm guessing he'll be willing to work with you.  But don't blame your guests for something that is really YOUR choice.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I never said that it was in a church...it is actually in my parents' backyard. I am not "blaming" my guests for something that is our choice. I honestly don't want people to feel uncomfortable. </div><div>
</div>

krimson19

you need to either talk to him about changing the ceremony or find another officiant who is more reflective of you and your FI's beliefs.

lauraf1202

I agree with ewurgler; pastors are used to adapting marriage ceremonies to the couples whom they are marrying.  Just make some time to go in and speak with the pastor-- I'm sure you'll find him accomodating.  Particularly since your ceremony isn't taking place IN his church.  That template he sent you was exactly that-- a template.  People alter them all the time.  Good luck.

nanderson09

Thank you all for the input, ladies! It's good to hear arguments for all of the different perspectives. I love these message boards. I'll be talking to him this week to explore options and see if we can find something that everyone will be comfortable with. Thanks again!!!

Habs2Hart

My Fl and I are both Christians but I don't want an overly religioius ceremony either.  For 1, I think they draw on WAY too long and 2, well, I don't think I want to hear Paul's thoughts on submission at our wedding either!  lol. 

Tell him you'd like to keep it short and sweet because it's outside and it could be hot or raining and if he wouldn't mind working with you to come up with a ceremony that is unique to you.  I highly doubt he'll mind.

DramaGeek

We wrote our entire ceremony with our pastor's blessing.  It was important to us to write it because we wanted our ceremony to represent us.  A template couldn't do that.

Tell him you'd like to write your own ceremony and ask if he's comfortable with that.  Then ask if he has any other ceremony templates that you could use as guides.  Get several ideas and go to work.  Honestly, I loved our ceremony, and many people commented on how personalized it was and how much it represented the two of us individually and as a couple.