Father-Daughter Traditions - Why??? - Rant, Long

MsLaura31

I've seen a lot of Father-Daughter tradition issues on this and other boards... I'm facing the same issues, and the complications are the things of nightmares! Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can't we have parent-daughter traditions, instead? Or family traditions?

If you are close to your dad, then wonderful!!! Have him walk you down the aisle; do a Father-Daughter dance. If it's right, it's right! When my best friend got married she did all of those things, and I can't imagine her doing or wanting anything different.

I have a father and a step-father, and I love both of them. I want both of them to feel honored and special on my wedding day. But why does tradition tell me to ignore my mom? Logically, she's the one I'm closest to, she's the one who raised me, and she's the one I know I can always count on. Why would I honor someone with whom I'm not nearly as close more than I'm honoring her?  I hate feeling guilty for wanting my Mom to be the main person standing up for me the day of my wedding.

So even if I can make my "fathers" understand and feel OK about my decisions, my guests are still going to question it. I know it doesn't matter what they think, but I feel like if I don't have the traditional father-daughter things then I'm displaying my family dynamics for everyone to see... That seems like a stress I just don't need on my wedding day.

Every other day of my life, this is NOT an issue. Why is it such a big issue on the most important day of my life? Am I the only one who thinks these expectations are ridiculous?

Ok. Rant over. Thanks for indulging me...

trix1223

Hi Laura, I wrote this on another board to a bride who was wrestling with the same issue you are.

 I'm a recent MOB, so I think I can give you some perspective here.  As the MOB at DD's wedding, (and MOG at our son's wedding) I didn't feel a need to have anything in particular to "honor" me more than I already was by being their mom.

She's your mom.  She's the MOB, and I can tell you that I didn't need anything more on my DD's wedding day than to be her proud mom.  One of the great joys of my life was watching her walk down the aisle on her dad's arm.  I would have missed that moment if I walked her in.

One of the two times I wept that day was watching her dance with her daddy.  It was a glorious moment....one that my DH and I had thought about since we heard the words "It's a girl!" 

The last hug and "I love you" before my son escorted me to my seat were all that I needed all day.  I wouldn't have traded those moments for any other kind of recognition.  Just being her mom was everything for me.  Your mom knows how you feel.  And she WILL feel honored just by seeing her beautiful daughter, radiant on her wedding day.

If you feel that you absolutely MUST do something, make it a private moment.  Hand write your mom a letter telling her what she means to you, and thank her for bringing you to this point in your life.  Give it to her some time during the morning of your wedding day.  She'll cherish that letter.   I do.

One other final suggestion:  again, make it a private moment:  get a double photo frame.  On one side, put a picture of the two of you together at an earlier "milestone" event:  the day you were born.....your first day of school.....your first communion.....a graduation or prom.  On the other side write a note that says you'll be filling that side with a photo of the two of you on your wedding day.  And then be sure to have that picture taken.

Good luck.  Your mom is a lucky lady who will have one of the greatest days of her life coming up.

Jessie888

I can definitely understand your rant. I think the tradition just dates back and people go with it. My dad told me that he has always dreamed of dancing with me at the wedding. If you truly do not want to dance with your dad, i think you should talk with him.

I dont want to talk about myself here because i want to help you, but let me tell you what i am doing and maybe it can help you. My mom is my best friend, we work together, we shop together, we do everything together. She is and will always be the greatest woman in my life. I thought long and hard about how to honor our relationship at my wedding. Shes gone through every step of the wedding plans and all my rants and raves, (I even talked to her about it. She said this wedding isnt about me! its about you!!! but i still wanted to do it) I have decided not to do the traditional bouquet toss (one because i hate doing it when i go to weddings!! haha) Instead, I am going to give the flowers to my mom to honor her. I am working on a short speech and then I planning on handing her the flowers as a token of my appreciation to the best woman i have ever met.

Either the way, it sounds like you have a great mom. and i can tell you she probably isnt worried about being honored. Because everyone looks at the MOB and gushes either way!

You dont have to do what everyone else does. Thats the beauty of YOUR wedding. You can design it around you and yes some guests will tilt their heads to the side and some guests will commend you for making it unique. You have to find the balance between making yourself happy with your wedding and making your guests happy.

Best of luck!

FutureMrsMcDaniel

I've seen weddings where both parents walk the bride down the aisle, and I've seen where brides walk down the aisle by themselves.
My mother and I have a very strong relationship, but we have both said that the title 'Mother of the Bride' is quite an honor itself.  After the couple, she is the most important person at the wedding, hands down.  MOBs are very much honored at weddings, so you shouldn't be worried about honoring someone more than her.  Who says it's a competition or that anyone will really care/remember years from now that your mother wasn't honored enough because she didn't walk you down the aisle?

spaje

Not sure of the father /daughter dance myself.  Dad just don't dance... that I've ever seen.  But my mom would! But I'm counting on him and my son to walk me down the isle...('course I have yet to ask him, but I'm letting mom work on him a bit as he doesn't agree w/ spending a wad of cash on something that lasts only a day or two...'course they got married when $400 got ya a decent wedding...and this is my second marriage..so... who knows.)  You do what feels right for you.  If the guests question it.. tell the simple truth.. you're closer to your mom than you are your dad... that's all there is to it.  Or screw it.. have all three of them walk ya down.. sure, a little awkward  getting four down the isle at once, but you'd be able to figure it out.

beckster5551

I know how you feel and this has been a rather big issue for me. My father has not been involved in my life for years. He missed a lot of important things in my life and has no right to give me away. When I first got engaged I asked my brother to walk me down the aisle, he just said "but what about Dad?". Currently my brother is not talking to me because I am not having our father walk me down the aisle! A little back story on this, when my brother got married our Father didn't even show up. I don't know how I can count on him to walk me down the aisle when did was a no show at my brothers wedding. 

I really want my Mom to walk me down the aisle but she says that I'm a strong independent women who can walk by myself, she of course said she will walk me down the aisle if I want. I do plan on doing a Mother-daughter dance but not a Father-daughter dance. 

I hope you get everything figured out!

leandralona

I know this is easier said than done, but try not to worry about it. I'm having my twin brother walk me down the aisle b/c he's been the only constant male in my life. I will make sure I dance with every family member wether they really want to dance or not (even if it's just a few seconds of us joking around on the dance floor), but I'm not having specific father-daughter/mother-daughter/father-in-law daughter etc... dance. I think it's a little more special for the bride to seek out the important people in her life to dance with than just announcing who she'll be dancing with.

vparmley

I'm in a similar position. I think the most important thing is that you do what you're comfortable with. Your hubby to be will be there to support your decision and run interference with anyone who has a problem with it. My guess is that most family members know how your dad is and the history behind it so they'll keep mum and the rest of your guests probable won't even notice.

Good luck!

Jeni35

This is entirely up to you. My father has passed away, as well as my Fi's. I have a great step-father; but walking is difficult for him and he would prefer to be up front with my mom so he can watch me. My brother is walking me down the aisle. As far as a father-daughter dance...I am going to dance with my husband. Fi's mom is a bit pushy; but it is my day and we are together in it. That being said, I loved the idea of a handwritten note to your mom to tell her how wonderful she has been.

sararv03

I think PP have said it best and had good suggestions. When it comes down to it,do what you feel comfortable with. Tradition isnt the most important and people will not think less of you. I had a friend that was recently married who had both her father and stepfather walk her down aisle. But I dont think that you have to have either if you dont want them to. I think it would be very sweet if your mom walked you down the aisle and honor her in that way. As far as dances go, you can do as many as you want or just have the first dance with your husband.