Advice needed PUSHY MOG

DDivi557

Hello, I'm just starting to plan my wedding, and I don't even have a date yet! YIKES! But luckily we still have time. My wedding will be sometime between Feb 21- March 21. In the meantime however, MOG has decided that her and Future SIL will be IN the wedding, standing as MY MOH and bridesmaids!  PLUS MOG has decided that since there is no MOB that she has say in MY dress and venue! (My mother and grandmother were killed when I was a teenager, which makes this whole event difficult.) Stressed to the max already and haven't even started! If I say anything to MOG she gets totally defensive then tells me she'll object at my wedding...in front of our guests! HELP?!

sierraberry32

 RUN! No I am just kidding... My condolences to you.  MOG seems like a pushy pain in the butt.  Does she  know that both your Grandmother and Mother passed away? And on top of that, does she even understand how difficult this is for you?

Have your FI talked to her, sometimes a Son can do a better job than a future DIL.

artbyallie

Agreed that your fiancé needs to do the talking here. But she doesn't get to choose your bridesmaids, dress, or venue. Though for that last one, she would get to choose if she were paying for it, which I assume is not the case. And as for objecting at the wedding, ask your officiant to skip that line. Most people do these days.

MairePoppy

1.Your fi should tell his mom that unless she starts treating you with respect, she will not be seeing much of either of you. He should let her know that if she doesn't support your marriage, the way to show that would be not to attend.

2. Don't take any money from her, because she is entitled to a say in anything that she is paying for.

3. Don't discuss the wedding details with her. Change the subject if she brings it up. Don't tell her when you are going dress shopping. Take a supportive friend or aunt with you.

4. Ask your officiant to leave out the part where the guests are asked to 'speak now or forever hold your peace.' 

5. Don't let her push you around. Good luck.

ElleB87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_advice-needed-pushy-mog?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c2c9a1bb-969c-4e5a-b9e4-22cebe28ea52Post:306777fe-dce5-4fc9-8a05-f1cb659e80a2">Re: Advice needed PUSHY MOG</a>:
[QUOTE]1.Your fi should tell his mom that unless she starts treating you with respect, she will not be seeing much of either of you. He should let her know that if she doesn't support your marriage, the way to show that would be not to attend. 2. Don't take any money from her, because she is entitled to a say in anything that she is paying for. 3. Don't discuss the wedding details with her. Change the subject if she brings it up. Don't tell her when you are going dress shopping. Take a supportive friend or aunt with you. 4. Ask your officiant to leave out the part where the guests are asked to 'speak now or forever hold your peace.'  5. Don't let her push you around. Good luck.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Co-signed

MrsGandthebeag

WTF?  This lady sounds nuts.  Ditto everything already said.  Good luck.

kmmssg

Pretend I said what Maire Poppy said.

Your FI needs to have that chat with her now, and firmly.  She needs to be told firmly that she and FSIL are not in the wedding party unless you were planning to ask them.

Even leaving out the objection part of the ceremony, I would make sure your officient knows that she has threatened to object and make sure he/she is ready for her.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_advice-needed-pushy-mog?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c2c9a1bb-969c-4e5a-b9e4-22cebe28ea52Post:bf18f038-da2d-45c2-ba2c-26a2940afae6">Re: Advice needed PUSHY MOG</a>:
[QUOTE]Pretend I said what Maire Poppy said. Your FI needs to have that chat with her now, and firmly.  She needs to be told firmly that she and FSIL are not in the wedding party unless you were planning to ask them. Even leaving out the objection part of the ceremony, I would make sure your officient knows that she has threatened to object and make sure he/she is ready for her.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

My friend kmm is quite smart.

I would have the chat with her ASAP and together, speaking as one. (You have to learn this eventually)

Firm, decisive and leave NO room for arguement.  She'll survive and you will have a far better relationship with her later if you start now.

Good luck!

Julie2013

A MOG just as bad is the reason my DH and I eloped quite suddenly 14 years ago! We were trying to plan the wedding and still give her some input, but she took over completely. She made reservations, bought things, planned decor, all without asking us what we wanted. When my then FI (now DH) tried to talk with her about it several times, reminding her that this wasn't her wedding, but ours, her exact words were, "This absolutely IS my wedding! I've been planning it since you were born!" No amount of reasoning got through to her. Then when I got home from work one day and had a message that she'd picked out my wedding dress and who I needed to call to get it fitted, I'd had enough. We called it off completely -- not the engagement, but the wedding. About a month later, we eloped. Her fury over us "doing that to her" sent her on a mission of trying to get my DH fired from a job he had worked hard to get and get me fired from a job I didn't care that much about, but needed none-the-less. She made up stories about both of us and tried to get loan officers to call in our home and vehicle loans. I mean, she was burning up the phone lines and making appointments to get in her revenge! It went on for about 3 years.

I hope this isn't a sign of problems to come for you guys, but it was for us. My MIL is the type that will demand what she wants no matter who else she really should consider and if she can't bully her way around, she will manipulate people to get her way. We had to learn not to let her steamroll us. To this day, we resent her part in us not getting to wed in a way we wanted. Yes, we were grownups and handled the situation the way we saw best, but if she had been reasonable at all, we would have prefered to have a wedding in a church, surrounded by friends and loved ones with a ceremony and reception after. 

My best advice is, if your FMIL is the type mine is, it is important to the health of your future marriage not to let her manipulate and demand. I realize that won't be easy and if she's paying for a lot of stuff, you may have to pay yourself or cut something out. With my MIL, that wouldn't have mattered because she would have made us miserable about not getting what SHE wanted whether SHE was the one paying for it or not. Maybe it will help in your case?

Good luck and blessings with your upcoming marriage.

Julie

GoodLuckBear14

I'll co-sign everything that Maire Poppy said but I have one questions: How does your FI respond when he learns about all of these things? 

MairePoppy

@Julie - yours  is the new worst MIL story I have read and there have been many. How are things now?

DDivi557

Thanks everyone! My fiance knows how his mother can be, honestly he's disgusted with her. Especially since she told me, "I'll be taking your mother's place since this is MY son's wedding." She's not paying for ANYTHING nor does she want to tux shop with her son. She went even as far to say that we don't deserve a 'real' wedding because we already have a 2 year old daughter. Granted, that may be true, but if it's what we want (and have saved for) then we should do it, right? Or am I just being too rude? I hope that this is not signs for the future, I've been in the family for almost 4 years already, and have NEVER had any problems before this wedding stuff.
I'm taking my remaining grandmother and his grandmother dress shopping with me, we are the only three that will see the dress (other than the alteration lady) that will see it until the day.
FI and I have decided that he will have a best man and another in his party, and I will have my maid of honor and a bridesmaid, but of course FMIL had something to say about that as well (FI was pretty heated at this point), due to FI choosing someone other than his father to be his best man... FFIL refuses to come!
We have told our parents that THEY have places in the wedding that do not include the aforementioned. I'm praying that as our day gets closer and FMIL and FFIL see that there is more than ample amount of things to do they calm down. We love them dearly and don't want something as petty as this to come between us.

Our officiate knows about the potential drama and he said he'd start over as many times as needed until she shuts her mouth. This is OUR decision NOT hers.  

Sorry for the rant ladies, just have nobody in the real world that doesn't take my venting and run with it. Thanks for listening though.

Julie2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_advice-needed-pushy-mog?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c2c9a1bb-969c-4e5a-b9e4-22cebe28ea52Post:0cee5f90-6fb2-44d7-a701-bc898721d740">Re: Advice needed PUSHY MOG</a>:
[QUOTE]@Julie - yours  is the new worst MIL story I have read and there have been many. How are things now?
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

It has been a bumpy relationship with my MIL and probably always will be. (ALL her relationships are difficult!) We've got 4 kids and she has tried her best to run the show for each birth, holiday, birthday party, etc. and we try to walk that fine line between giving her some of what she wants without giving up what we want. She's definitely not the average annoying MIL. I've probably got a hundred stories, but here's one for ya -- once when we didn't do something she had no right to ask of us, she tried to hire several people to come to our house and kill our then-5 yo son's puppy which THEY had gotten him for Christmas. Luckily, the people came to us instead of actually killing the dog!

What's ironic is she looks like a sweet, Mother Goose type. She even acts like it around total strangers. My own parents thought I was just being a disgruntled daughter-in-law until my MIL started torturing them, too!

Julie

MairePoppy

That's really creepy. I would get a restraining order to keep her away from my kids and pets.

MairePoppy

DDivi- it would probably be best not to mention that you are taking your husbands grandmother dress shopping. Take the 2 ladies and ask them to keep it quiet. You should be able to enjoy your dress shopping without drama.

I'm sad to see that your FFIL is a drama llama, too. Fi should tell his dad that he will miss him if chooses not to attend, but the wedding will go on as planned.

Julie2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_advice-needed-pushy-mog?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c2c9a1bb-969c-4e5a-b9e4-22cebe28ea52Post:47c6a612-6037-4c16-b0c9-4ebe1dfb891f">Re: Advice needed PUSHY MOG</a>:
[QUOTE]That's really creepy. I would get a restraining order to keep her away from my kids and pets.
Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

Now she's in a nursing home and much of the bite has left her bark, thank goodness. She still manages to get in her jabs by being totally inappropriate with us when we show up. So, we don't show up. And she whines that nobody comes to visit. I know that makes me sound like a major b**ch, but she's has such a poisonous personality that it really has been for the best.

Julie

MairePoppy

I don't think you're a bit**. Anyone who attempted to hurt my kids or pets would have been completely cut out of my life.

Julie2013

Thanks, MairePoppy & RetreadBride. People who know her very well at all tend to support my lack of involvement in her life, but she's not been at the nursing home long, just since the beginning of summer, and they think I'm horrible. Oh well! You can't make everybody happy, no matter what.

Julie

Lisa50

First thing first ... your future MIL's threats are empty.  Let her fantasize about objecting during the ceremony, but it's just that ... fantasy.  That whole "let anyone who has an objection ..." line is just a bunch of muck.  I've never heard it in any wedding I've attended.  Bottom line, she is just being a bully and blowing hot air.  The next time she says she'll do it, tell her she's more than welcome to do so.  Watch her deflate.

Next ... I'm sorry to hear about your mother and grandmother.  You have my deepest condolences. 

Finally ... let your fiance deal with his mother's rudeness. Make sure he's aware of how you feel (you'll choose your own attendants, plan the wedding with him not her, etc.) and that he understands, and accepts, it is up to him to get her under control.

I wish you the very best.  The sooner your fiance aligns himself with you on this front, the better.  It seems like it will be good practive for what the future may hold.  Good luck!

shenzhentoby

Congratulations for you and yours.If you need wedding dress,you can visit the www.cheap-bridal.com to choose your dress,here can custom made all kind of formal dress, very cheap and high quality.Hope it helps,thank you for your reading.

Shia

I am not in the same situation as you, but my FMIL and I are not very close. I have known her for about 11 years because her son and I have known each other since high school. I have never felt close to her. I can hardly start a conversation with her without it feeling awkward. It is kinda strange to me, but my fiance can talk to anyone in my family and everyone loves him. 

HisGirlFriday13

@Shia -- this thread is more than a year old. The OP is either long married or no longer in need of our advice. 

@KnotPorscha -- Please, please, PLEASE get tech to work on closing old threads. And please work on bringing back mods who can manually close threads. The advice in this thread is good, but we don't need to give new advice to this OP.

[Deleted User]

Thanks, @HisGirlFriday13! We are currently working on making BOTH happen.

HisGirlFriday13

Welcome, @KnotPorscha. And thanks!