Pastor wont marry us

arthomas82

My FI and I were under the impression that my pastor was going to marry us (I literally asked my pastor months ago and got a "yes" as well as my parents) which I was excited about. Pastor emailed FI to meet him for lunch today to get to know him a little better...AND to witness to my FI. I'm a christian, my FI is not, so obviously my pastor wanted to evangalize a bit. We were excited for the lunch, as this was going to give my pastor and FI an opportunity to get to know each other before marrying. Apparently the pastor had another agenda: see if my FI will become a christian DURING lunch or not marry us. My FI listened to my pastor share his testimony and he was honest with him about his beliefs as well. The pastor was quick to let him know that he will NOT be marrying us now. I should have known because most pastors only marry two christians BUT he agreed previously so I was shocked by this. I was pretty upset and told my mom that we need to book an officiant - she said "Well, miracles do happen", insinuating that there is still time for my FI to convert to christianity and have my pastor marry us! NO WAY. My mom is now visibly upset that we will be getting married by a "hired stranger" but I'm upset that there is and has been so much emphasis on religion. My family loves my FI and wouldnt want me to marry anyone else - I understand that they want him to become a christian but this is insane. Waiting for a miracle to happen?? Im sad that my mother is sad but I will absolutely not subject my FI to this sort of thing ever again. I really really wish that we had just decided to elope at this point - religion has somehow completely taken over everything. Hmm...so now where do I start with finding an officiant? OH - and a save-the-date has already been sent to the pastor and his wife but I dont want them there now that I know they dont approve of our marriage. Is it just common knowledge that they are no longer invited??

sky7563

It is unfortunate but I have heard of issues like this before.  My suggestion would be for you two to discuss how you would handle the future religion of any children you may have.  If it would be encorporated into their lives than why not decide on a church and religion you want them to be involved in and see if you can join that church and be married by the priest, rev., officiant who will be in your lives in the future as a couple.  We are thinking of doing this as well.  We have the same religion and would have no problem getting married in either of our churches.  However, it is so hard for us to pick which church and several factors are at play...the most important being distance.  So we are looking into which church will be in our future together.  Both of our mothers are a little upset about the idea but understanding and happy that religion will be apart of our and our childrens lives.
I am not sure how I would handle the previous pastor who would not marry you being invited to the wedding.   I know I personally would not want to invite him and that I may only harbor bad feelings if I saw him there.  I would not want any negativity that day.  However, it is better to take the high road.  Do you think he would even show if you invited him? 

[Deleted User]

I agree with pp. This could impact your marriage in other ways that you may or may not have already thought about. I would sit down and talk with your FI about raising the children, going to church together, etc. It is hard if one believes one way and the other believes another. I am not saying he is a bad person for not being Christian nor am I saying he should convert bc that is something that only he will know if he is ready for in his heart and mind, but I am just saying that you should take another look at the situation before you go and find another officiant.

MyNameIsNot

It's entirely untrue that most pastors will only marry two christians.  Most pastors are open minded, and are willing to marry couple from a variety of faiths.  It is completely underhanded of your pastor to agree to marry you with an ulterior motive, and then to pull out like this.  While it is technically rude to not send an invitation to anyone that received an STD, I think you are justified in not inviting him in this case.  

Honestly, this would make me think differently about the pastor, and would probably encourage me to start seeking out a church that would be more accepting of me and my future husband.  Many churches understand that we live in a world where people marry people that are different, and are welcoming to all.

As long as you and your FI are on the same page about the role that religion will play in your marriage, and with your kids, mixed religion marriages can and do work just fine. 

As for finding an officiant, you can either start talking to other churches in your area, or you can go to your local board and start looking for officiants.  Many hired officiants are current/former religious figures, and can help you add some christian elements to the ceremony.   

bigvoice3

Well, Biblically speaking, there are scripture saying that Christians should only marry other Christians (aka being equally yoked together).  So your pastor is just following his beliefs by not performing the ceremony.

Maybe instead of a "hired stranger" you could get a family friend or someone special to be ordained and to the ceremony.  Maybe that would even mean more.

angela72023

FI's cousin is getting married next weekend and had to change churches because of this. The original church's pastor would not marry a Christian to a non-Christian. Like PP's say, this impacts the rest of your life, has to do with your values, beliefs, the way you will raise your children, it's so much more than the wedding day. I have unfortunately seen some very unhappy marriages of this kind and our church is the same way, and you have to go to pre-marital counseling for 6 sessions. It just makes sense, IMHO. I think your pastor had good intentions and was doing what he believes is right, you shouldn't hold that against him, especially when you say you don't think he should hold your FI's beliefs against him...what's the difference?

katieanne85

Big voice is right about the biblical precident for christians marrying other christians, I am more surprised that the pastor agreed initially, more so than the later refusal, although it it ridiculous that he did that, My Fi's pastor met with me and both of us before giving us a straight answer on whether he would be willing to perform the ceremony. 

I think having a friend or maybe even a trusted older person/couple whose marriage you admire is a good idea. it can make it meaningful in other ways.

I would send your pastor a note or something letting him know that you are disappointed that he changed his mind as it would have meant a lot to you for him to marry you, and that you pray that he will understand someday how wonderful a man your Fi is.

I also agree with PP that you guys need to talk about religion a lot, a lot before the wedding and children, even if your new officiant doesnt require it I would suggest premarital counseling, sometimes there are things we just dont think to discuss, but are actually important., an outside source can help with that. 

beamer84

I had the same issue as the OP. My FI and I have talked a fair amount about religion and how we'd raise our kids. I ended up checking out various local churches. When I found one I liked, I later asked the minister to marry us. He was fine with the idea, even though my FI is Jewish. He'll even incorporate Jewish traditions in teh ceremony (this was a must have for us). He's a minister at an "Open and Affirming" Congregationalist church. Maybe look at similar churches in your area?

budvar1012

Wow, what a sucky thing to have happen. maybe a miracle will indeed occur and your pastor will convert to your fiance's religion before the wedding..oh wait, that was sarcasm. Well, I'm sure the highly devout  pastor will eventually forgive me.


In the meantime, I agree with MynameisNot---I'd look for another place to worship if I had a pastor pull something like that on me.  It's very underhanded and I would hope he would understand that he was not welcome at your wedding--though it seems likely he wouldn't show ayway.

PS.
 I had a JOP for my first wedding and he refused to read from the Koran for us, but offered to read from the Bible instead. I said, "Oh, ok" and called around until I found another JOP who wasn't prejudiced. After I got the new JOP on board, I called the other and told him in Jesus' name his ass was fired. Jerk. It still irks me over 20 years later.

PharmacyBride

I agree about having someone close to you do the ceremony.  My good friend married his brother and FSIL and it meant so much to him to play that role in the ceremony.  He was already the best man- so he had a lot of responsibility that day- so I would only do this if you have someone who can handle all the pressure.

larina+jeremy

i am a christian and i just wanted to say that not all of us, and certianly not all pastors, are this close minded. imo, its these kind of people that give organized religion a bad name. i would not invite them since they dont approve of your union. and like pp have said, consider other impacts of your religion (kids faiths etc). i like the suggestion of having a friend be the officiant

Jax333

had u given him the check yet? lol realistically thats what it is all about.  What a con artist....trying to force your fiance into the religion...its stunts like that that turn people off to religion and send them running for the hills.  I don't think they have the nerve to show up at the wedding.  If they RSVP yes, I would send them a note pretending the wedding has been canceled thanks to you. lol   save the dates aren't actual invites actually, so you're good!

LadyOhh

I am appalled, and I think you should look elsewhere for a person to head the ceremony.

My best friend had her brother in law do the vows. It was easy for him to get certified to do it, and I think there are more people out there that love the both of you and would be willing to do it than your pastor, who seems like a bigot to me.

Good luck, and best wishes!

APW2010

Maybe having an officiant is not a bad thing here - most officiants allow you to fully customize your ceremony, so you can make it something that is significant to both of you and incorporates both of your beliefs, as it sounds like your pastor wouldn't have been willing to do this. Take it as an opportunity to really make this day about your future together, united.

And, as some posters have mentioned above, you can still have someone you know perform the ceremony - in most places it is pretty easy to be certified to perform a ceremony, so asking a family member or friend can add even more meaning to your day.

We're having an officant even though we are both christian since it gives us a lot more flexibility in the style of the ceremony and in the location.

Theresa626

I agree with mynameis not.  He is very underhanded and I would find another church to go to. No matter what his reasons, he should never have played you along like that and he should've told you up front that he would not do it. Not only should you find a different officiant, you really need to find another church.  Preferably one that has an honest pastor without ulterior motives. 

DFaught

   My parents went through something like this. My father was in the military and was in california, my mother in Massachusetts at the time and they were told they would have to take pre-marital classes. One person said they had to be together, then someone else said he could take them there on base while my mom did them in Mass. When all was said and done the priest said he wouldn't marry them becaue they didn't take them together.  My parents and grandparents went all the way up the Catholic food chain to the arch diosese I believe, who told the priest to do it and he still wouldn't. Needless to say, my mother wasn't all that religious beforehand and this definitely sealed the deal afterwards. (A week later, this same priest married a couple much younger than my parents and the girl was pregnant)

   I understand the whole "stranger' feeling, but most meet with you at least once, if not a couple of times to discuss everything. Hope everything works out.  :P