did your parents pay for your wedding?

goheels05

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_did-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:c951bcee-e660-4559-b8f8-7561d9007315Post:20d46d13-60da-400e-9996-73b2bbea6ca4">Re: did your parents pay for your wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, for some weird reason I always thought that being a future bride made you happy.
Posted by elspeth1[/QUOTE]

Huh, that <em>is</em> weird.  You must not get out much. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

If you are paying for college on your own, I'm not sure why you suddenly expect your parents to pony up for your pretty princess day.

"Traditionally" the parents of the bride paid to get her out of their freaking house. A woman wouldn't have any education or a paying job, and they wanted to shift her to her husband so she could take care of HIS house instead of them needing to feed and cloth her in their house.

BlameCanada

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_did-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c951bcee-e660-4559-b8f8-7561d9007315Post:20d46d13-60da-400e-9996-73b2bbea6ca4">Re: did your parents pay for your wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, for some weird reason I always thought that being a future bride made you happy. I think there are a few people who shouldn't leave posts. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it."
Posted by elspeth1[/QUOTE]

Thank you for pointing this out to me.  I will be sure to change the way I post from this point forward, just to please you.  Oh no, wait, I'm an adult, so I get to do things that make me happy rather than making someone else happy.  Don't worry, OP, you'll pick that up when you become an adult, which will hopefully come before you get married but it's not looking good for you.

Narwhal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_did-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:c951bcee-e660-4559-b8f8-7561d9007315Post:ea85b1ab-19c5-45eb-b037-04433adc31b2">Re: did your parents pay for your wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you want to be really traditional, the groom should be the one paying your dad.  I hear virgins have a pretty good going rate.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]


HA!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_did-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:c951bcee-e660-4559-b8f8-7561d9007315Post:ea85b1ab-19c5-45eb-b037-04433adc31b2">Re: did your parents pay for your wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you want to be really traditional, the groom should be the one paying your dad.  I hear virgins have a pretty good going rate.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]<div>
Aerin, have I told you lately that I love you?</div>

lalap69

I'm calling MUD.

jagore08

This was a good read.  You ladies genius.

megk8oz

I was a pretty "traditional" bride. However, I did pay for my own wedding. Because it wasn't anybody else's job, and honestly, with the economy being what it is, DH and I are actually in better financial state than any of our parents.

And your whole comment about equating being "traditional" to being a virgin on your wedding night makes me sick. You're playing the "You don't know me!" card, yet you don't seem to know that not everybody has the luxury of getting an actual say in when they lose their virginity, so get off you pedastal, put on your big girl panties and quit crying about not getting to marry your prom date before you're old enough to legally participate in a champagne toast.

kmurr010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_did-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:c951bcee-e660-4559-b8f8-7561d9007315Post:e8fe52c7-6269-4d7d-b168-9e38b3efebed">Re: did your parents pay for your wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: did your parents pay for your wedding? : Huh, that is weird.  You must not get out much. 
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]

BAHAHAHAHA! Love this.

and <em>TRADITIONALLY</em>, fathers paid the FI a dowery for taking his daughter. Guess your dad blew that on his ATV's and his new wife. You can be as traditional as you like, but your parents still don't have to pay for your wedding. But who are we? Just a bunch of unhappy slutbags.

oceana919

Only you and your fiance are financially responsible for your wedding. Period.

Financial contribution from parents, grandparents, whomever, towards a wedding is a gift, not an obligation. If you're not financially capable of paying for your own wedding, either wait until you are to get married, or hit up a JOP.

What your father/stepmother do with their money that they earned is their business, not yours. If they want to spoil the sh*t out of your brother and not give you a penny, that is their perogative.

Whether or not you are still a virgin at getting married is hardly a sole basis for judgement when it comes to the quality of a person. Throwing that kind of judgement into our faces is equivalent to judging, which, last time I checked, isn't exactly the mark of being a good Christian girl. You know, that whole "judge not, for ye be judged" thing they told you about in Sunday School?

Lastly, if your father and stepmother were so horrible and so abusive, then why the hell would you want their money in the first place?!? If my father put me in the ICU or nearly killed me, I wouldn't be speaking to him, let alone accepting a penny of his money.

Coming on here and whining that your daddy won't give you money, then trying to play the pity card by claiming your father was abusive doesn't make us have empathy for you. All it does is make you sound like a money-grubbing spoiled whiny brat. Grow up.

luckyme502

We are very lucky that my parents are paying for almost the entire wedding.  They gave us a budget of $5000, which has been exceeded, but we are trying to stay very close to it.  We are paying for some stuff, like my dress, favors, hair and make-up, rehearsal dinner, and a bunch of other little stuff. 

Narwhal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_did-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:c951bcee-e660-4559-b8f8-7561d9007315Post:37e68f89-588f-4d13-b21c-371708445a33">Re: did your parents pay for your wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm calling MUD.
Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

If only it was.  She gave us the luxury of including her entire name in her username, so a facebook search proves her story to be true.  The basics at least.  She is 19, active in church, in school, and engaged to a Mr. Brandon Schobey. Their anniversary is March 8, 2008.

...This is why you shouldn't include your full name in your username.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_did-parents-pay-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:c951bcee-e660-4559-b8f8-7561d9007315Post:732f183f-84c2-4571-bb9f-e2ed33715ff2">Re: did your parents pay for your wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: did your parents pay for your wedding? : If only it was.  She gave us the luxury of including her entire name in her username, so a facebook search proves her story to be true.  The basics at least.  She is 19, active in church, in school, and engaged to a Mr. Brandon Schobey. Their anniversary is March 8, 2008. ...This is why you shouldn't include your full name in your username.
Posted by Narwhal[/QUOTE]
It's a really elaborate MUD? *hopeful*

It figures that the only time I've ever called MUD is the time when it can be definitively proven that it's not.  It just really seemed like too much.

Once again, I underestimate the BSC.

renee.himes.osu

Ok- I am going to be nice to you.

I understand you expected your wedding to be completely paid for - so this is a giant shock to you.  I hope you get through the harsh comments and accept the advice... b/c a lot of it was helpful.  Being an adult has more to do with the way you act, than your age.  Maybe your dad doesn't feel you are ready to get ready (despite liking the FI) and if you calmed down and were grateful for what you do have- he might see you as mature and ready for marriage.

As far as tradition- I understand a little more about your excitement to get married.. I couldn't imagine being with the man I love and not taking it to the next level.  If this is why you want to marry so young- I get it (I don't agree with it- but I get it). 

So the good news: if you are the host- you control the guest list.  You will always regret not inviting your parents- so please invite them.  (consider how your future children will feel if their grandparents weren't part of their lives)  But, if you can't afford to invite the extended family, parents' friends, neighbors, etc- then don't.  If your parents want to add names- let the know the cost of the extras.  [add up the total cost of the wedding and divide by the guest count- that gives you $/guest-- if your parents really want someone added- it would be appropriate for them to help make it happen.]  If your wedding has YOUR closest friends/family and that's it- but you get to get married in October- then it is worth it.  Otherwise.. I guess you just have to wait to make your own $ or win the lottery.

I would normally never recommend giving family a cost/additional guest.. but in your case- I would say that your communication with your family is far from normal.  In my mind... the parents can't tell you who must be invited if you are the host.  (But if they do decide to give you $- you should politely accept their requests.)

I wanted to marry my FI one year into the relationship- but I also wanted a picture perfect wedding with all the family/friends invited.  So I waited 5+ years.. and it was worth it (but I also got to live in sin so it was fun along the way).

Good luck!

Francesvm

My fiance and I are paying for our wedding. My dad offered a generous gift to "help" us and I actually feel guilty taking his money ...which I have yet to do. He raised me to be a responsible, self sufficient, intelligent young woman who is able to pay for her own wedding...casual or otherwise. Times have changed and whatever gift your parents give you for the wedding you should be grateful for without an attitude of expectation. I'm sure it's a little upsetting to read some of these posts but being married is a big decision and requires a lot of mature decisions to be made on your part. If your wedding is out of reach financially right now then maybe you and your fiance can brainstorm ways to save/make money to help you pay for the wedding which will probably make you happier in the long run since you worked on such a big effort together.

pag41989

1. You obviously need mental help before you get married if you have as many past issues as you say.

2. Get a job and pay for your own wedding.

3. All you need is a marriage license to get married. I am sure between you and FI you can afford that.

I am a young bride myself (21) however I NEVER expected my family to pay for my wedding. I believe that I am also traditional and church going however I would never assume because it was the "tradition" that my parents should pay. I am currently in college and paying for my own wedding, my dad did give me a nice check (as a wedding gift)  towards the food however everything else I am paying for. We have been engaged almost 2 years and we are getting married next month. We wanted to wait until FI graduated with his degree (which he did in December).

BecW2be

I had doubts about an article I read on NPR this week about how the frontal lobes of the brain are not fully connected in the teen years, and for most not even until mid-20s. This thread just removed all doubt in that article.

Your brain is not fully grown and all connected. You shouldn't be getting married.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124119468

erollis

1) Breath

2) If they are paying/ helping you out with school I can understand why they would not pay for a wedding. School is not cheap! If they aren't paying for school then to not pay for the wedding is there choice.

3) If fiance parents offered to help pay for any part of the wedding then take them up on the offer. They wouldn't offer if they didn't want to help.

4) Nothing wrong with a court house wedding if you have to get married this second.

5) Save up and pay for it yourself. If you know you will always be together then save up while you are in school and tie the knot after you graduate. You are still young.

My FI and I have been together since I was 17(day after my b-day) and he was 16. He went off to school in a different city after high school and had his adventures/ experiences. I stayed in our hometown and worked and had completely different adventures/ experiences. We managed a long distance relationship for 4 years. After he graduated he started his career and I moved to a brand new city for me to be with him. He now has a career and I am going to school. He proposed to me after 8 years of being together. We have a 2 year engagement.

Grow Up Please! Don't write as if you are a 16 year old texting on her phone. How and what you write represents who you are. Pay for your own wedding if you want one so bad and no one is wanting to help you out. Suck it up. There are much worse things in life.

caitm730

My FI and I have been together since we were 16. Now we are 24 and finally getting married after almost 8 years. Even if you know that this is the person that you want to marry, it doesn't hurt anything to wait. You mature so much in your early 20s. There is a huge difference between a 19-year-old and a 23-year-old. Heck, sometimes I still feel like I'm too young to get married!

I agree with one of the other posts. I would not pay for my 19-year-old daughters wedding. Honestly, the odds are against you when you get married at 19. I would be afraid that the marriage would be over before the wedding was even paid for. I'm not saying that it's going to happen to you, but I think that the divorce rate is higher for marriages before the age of 22.

peyton.ballew

Thanks for your HARSH but true words. Why I would all the sudden expect something from my parents, idk? But it WAS immature. I usually do not have an attitude like that. But me and FI prayed really hard together when I got home from class, and although we are keeping our wedding date (because of him joining the NAVY) I am looking for a part-time job. FI is already working until he gets stationed. After reading all the post multiple times, I realized I really was living in some fantasy world and I needed a reality check. That's what all you knotties gave me. I will not ask my parents to pay for any part of the wedding and they ARE invited. I would regret not having them there. We are trying to work on our relationship together. I guess I thought it was owed to me, and it clearly isn't. If they offer I would graciously accept. We have already booked the church and if I get a job all the money earned will go towards the wedding. It was innappropriate to parade my parents and their money on the web.


So, altogether, thanks for all the advice! Critical, but it was taken with a grain of salt.

SuMmErKuTiE

Wow... first off you are way too young to be getting married! When I was your age I thought I wanted to marry my boyfriend too and was "so in love". But man oh man have I changed since then and we broke up because we were both two different people who wanted different things. At age 19..20...21..22 you should be enjoying college, concentrating on school, not trying to pay bills for a house and not living in the dorms with your other friends who are experiencing what is usually the most fun years of your life. I would never ever trade in my college years and the experiences I had while there. Are you guys meant to be? Maybe.. maybe not.. only time will tell at your age.. you guys should seriously wait especially if he's going to be stationed somewhere with the navy. Do you really want to be separated for months or even years at a time at the beginning of your marriage at such a young age?

Now to answer your original question in the post, FI and I are mostly paying for our wedding ourselves. We both work full time and are established with our home and our bills and planned accordingly to be able to save for our wedding and HM. Our parents are helping out a little here and there but we didn't ask anything of them nor did we expect anything. When I was your age the money I made from my part time job was for my cell phone, gas for my car, and spending money for going out with friends. I can't imagine trying to pay for a wedding or for rent or a mortgage because I got married. I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just trying to be honest.

stanagras

it is tradition for the bride's fam to pay for the wedding but do you really want your wedding to start out like this?  you are already a bridezilla and wedding hasn't even started...you're practically forcing your parents to pay for the wedding that YOU decided YOU were gonna have...not judging...just trying to put things into perspective.

Jenni83

my parents paid for my wedding 100% but that is bc they wanted to,they offered i did not ask.they knew the wedding i would have liked to have had but we wouldnt have been able to afford it on our own so they did it for us since i am their only daughter. i would have been happy getting married anywhere bc it isnt about having a huge wedding bash its about marrying the one you love.to say that you are not going to invite them bc they didnt help pay is very immature noone else that you are inviting is helping you so dont invite them either.yourstil very young i dont know if i would pay for my daughters wedding at 19 thats so young"teenage love"who knows if the marriage will last.

felicia220

Yes my parents are taking the traditional role of paying for the entire wedding and when I got engaged I assumed that they would pay for it, because they have been telling me they would pay for it for a long time.  I know how lucky I am and I am very thankful.  The reason you sound so immature is because it seems as though even if they were paying, you wouldn't truly appreciate it.  

And are you implying that they have harmed you in the past, if that is the case then why would you expect them and/or want them to have any part of your wedding. (I'm very confused by that)

Speaking from experience, 19 is very young to be getting married.  I was 15 when I started dating my FI and I am now 26(next week, Happy Birthday to me, sorry I get excited).  I can't tell how much we have changed and grown over the past 6-7 years.  I have always said the hardest part of a relationship is being able to change TOGETHER.  Well you haven't even begun to change.  Your early 20s is when you come into your own as a adult and learn who you are.  You may feel like you already know but honestly you can't foresee change.  And just know that we are only saying this because most of us are older and have more experience.

nriggi2

I have just started developing a relationship with my family.  We went through some really bad times. My parents are not paying for the wedding at all.   I'm in college also and 21.  Luckily my FI has been an incredible saver and we can pay for the wedding upfront.  I understand weddings are expensive and there is a lot of pressure to have "the wedding of your dreams" but in our lives as college students....it's impossible.  If your parents contribute, it's a donation....not a required payment.  If you cannot afford to have an expensive wedding, you are just going to have to cut corners like I will.  These times may be tough for you...but remember, it's just a wedding.  That money goes to one day...one day out of thousands that you will spend with your husband.  I always say it doesn't matter how you get to where your going...its that you get there.  Just be thankful that the man of your dreams is marrying you...and that your love is more important than a couple thousand dollars feeding a bunch of people who just like to drink free booze.

Cass987

I'm not going to address other people's comments just throw in my two cents here.

Your parents' responsibility ends at age 18. This is the United States, not Germany where they take care of you until your nearly 30. If you choose to get married - good for you - best of luck, everyone deserves to be happy. However, you should expect to pay for it yourselves.

Obviously you are not against a JoP or Courthouse as that is what you threatened in your original post. Either choice is a (more) financially viable alternative to a church wedding or ceremony. Both are legal. If you truely want to get married right away, this is something you should seriously consider.

Another thing to consider, on the other hand, is if you do not invite someone to your wedding you can in no way ask for or expect any type of gifts (not that you should expect gifts anyways). So courthouse/JoP = no showers, no registries, no gifts.

To answer your original post question - My FI and I are paying for 100% of our wedding costs. We are also not inviting any guests because of personal reasons and the wedding's remote location. After the wedding we are sending out announcements, DVDs and Pictures to everyone we would have liked to have at our wedding (also at our sole expense). We are not expecting a single gift from friends or familly, however.

Whatever you decide, I truely hope that you are happy and best of luck to your FI and going into the Navy - we all appriciate our servicemembers :-)

stdsxk13

This has been amazing to read. My finance and I are paying for our wedding ourselves. I can say happily, that I did not marry the man I was with when I was 20. However, I know of people that did get married that young and are happy to this day. There are a lot of ways to have a wonderful wedding and still stay with in a budget. Since your finances are not certain right now. I would suggest going to the JOP. Also there is a program called Twogether in texas, it is a marriage class that you can take, once you complete it, the $60 state portion of the marriage license fee will be waived if you complete an approved premarital training course and present your certificate to the county clerk. Go to bridal shows, events, open houses. Compare prices and services, I have saved quite a bit that way. Hope some of this helps. 

krmabojo

Your wedding = you pay for it.

SImple as that.

kittenbutthead

I'm 23, in a private college since I was 18 and now I'm getting married in October.  I paid for school on my own and I'm paying for the wedding.  Without me asking, my mother agreed to pay for my gown & alterations as well as the wedding cake and I feel bad even letting her do that (but she offered and I'm buying a house right now so I'm not going to complain).  Other than that I don't expect a dime from anyone. 

I'm sure it's great for those whose parents are paying for their wedding for them.  That's great.  But if your wedding is so cheap, then why can't you pay for it?  Maybe I'm just dumb and don't understand it...