Help! Tradition Conflicts

NamelessAria

So my guy and I have been trying to work out the details of the wedding. I come from a very strictly religious family that is also very anti-alcohol. We NEVER have any alcohol what-so-ever at any of our family events. My fiance, however, comes from a family where as he put it "everyone is used to going and getting wasted at weddings." His dad is an alcoholic and his brother has substance abuse issues of his own. My guy had agreed originally that the wedding reception would be an alcohol-free event so my family is not scandalized. Now he is insisting that we should have some alcohol there because his family would be uneasy at an alcohol-free event. I honestly want his family to feel welcome and comfortable. But I also want my family to feel welcome and comfortable. If my family will feel out of place around alcohol and people drinking, and his family will feel out of place if they can't drink I don't know how to make everyone happy. I personally have no problem with people drinking in moderation but I do NOT want people getting drunk at my wedding.  The sad thing is that neither family will be happy with a compromise for various reasons. At least not any compromises that I have found so far such as limited alcohol so people can drink without having people get drunk.

**Too Long, Didn't Read (TLDR): His family gets wasted at weddings and they want there to be alcohol. My family wants no alcohol for religious reasons and having it there would make them uncomfortable.

So ladies, what do you think? Has anyone else successfully worked through an issue like this? Is there a "best" way to handle this?

artbyallie

If people want to get drunk, they will find a way, so it's not your responsibility to prevent that. Obviously, your bartender(s) should cut people off, but some people may bring flasks or swipe someone else's drink, etc.

Could you perhaps start serving alcohol after dinner? That way, if anyone is uncomfortable, they can leave without feeling like they're ditching the whole reception.

renegade gaucho

Who's paying for the reception?

cwaggoner07

Could you just have champagne for a toast?

TheVirginians

In a reply to your other board post, we only had wine and champagne, no beer, to keep my dad in check. It worked.

itzMS

I just went to a wedding like this. Grooms family extremely conservative, brides family is not. Bride and groom both drink socially.

They had a hosted bar in a corner of the room (not a focal point) and served beer & wine.

Since it was at a hotel, guests still could go out to the hotel bar and get mixers & shots. Some also brought their flasks. People got drunk. It is what it is.

Even at a dry wedding, people might bring flasks. So do what you and your FI would like/can afford.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-tradition-conflicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cadc9beb-fdc8-4baa-b674-4a518746a8d4Post:cc34833a-f886-4079-9654-f5a8b28026a2">Re: Help! Tradition Conflicts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! Tradition Conflicts : Is it bad that I think this is terribly amusing?<strong> I think you need to find a compromise, and if both sides are a bit uncomfortable, then you are doing it right</strong>. Maybe host a limited bar, or cocktails only during cocktail hour, or wine on the tables at dinner. Personally, I don't understand why my choice to have a cocktail with dinner bothers someone who abstains from drinking due to religious reasons. Some religions forbid the comsumption of caffeine, does that mean those guests would be offended if coffee is served with cake?
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

This! Go for beer and wine at a bar off to the side. As PP's said, people will get drunk whether you help them or not, so that's out of your control. Speak with the bartender and ask him/her to cut off guests who are  noticibly druunnkk (not buzzed/happy, but like fully inebriated). Can you have another beverage location with all of the non-alcoholic beverages so the non-drinkers will feel more comfy about it? I know if I didn't drink and I had to order my Coca-Cola next to a drunk bastard, I'd be kinda miffed...

MrsGandthebeag

I think you should have limited alcohol in some capacity.  I wouldn't want to attend a dry wedding.  Not that I couldn't still enjoy myself, but I enjoy weddings more with a glass of wine.

LuckyGirl1713

You are not asking your family to drink any of the alcohol so I think it would be alright for you to have some alcohol at the wedding.  Keep it simple with some staple drinks that your FI's family and your friends may enjoy.  Have the bar in a corner away from your side of the family and it should be fine.  Hopefully there will be so much happiness and love and dancing going on that your family won't focus on the bar.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-tradition-conflicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cadc9beb-fdc8-4baa-b674-4a518746a8d4Post:1f55b119-9bc2-46c5-8459-3881e3a8d11c">Re: Help! Tradition Conflicts</a>:
[QUOTE]There is nothing wrong with a dry wedding.  <strong>I think your FI should respect your family's customs. </strong>A relative of mine had a wedding back in the early 1970's which featured a marijuana reception with LSD and other hallucinogenic drugs.  I understand the guests enjoyed it, but I did not attend because of strong moral feelings on my part.  This is not much different.  (I live in Colorado.) The marriage didn't last.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>Why is it that FI has to accept her family's customs, but she doesn't have to respect his?  </div><div>
</div><div>I agree with PP that I would go with a compromise.  Offer limited alcohol (e.g. beer and wine) along with a variety of non-alcoholic drinks.  The compromise is that people who want to drink can, and people who don't want to drink don't have to.  No guest's perferences should dictate what any other guest does.  </div><div>
</div><div>If you really think certain people would get wasted, put the bartender and venue staff on notice that anyone over-indulging should be cut off and/or escorted out as necessary.  </div>

Simply Fated

I'm reading a lot in your OP about what your families want and what they'd be comfortable with and not much about what you and your FI want. I mean, obviously you both want to please your families, but I think it's okay, in this instance, to take a moment to think about what you guys want, a dry wedding, a limited bar, or a fully stocked bar.

Keep in mind, if people want to drink alcohol... they will. My bf's sister has been to tons of sweet 16s this year and her's is coming up soon. I can tell you at least a dozen different ways those kids are getting alcohol that day. If they can do it, surely his alcoholic father can do it.

Jen4948

Well, I think a certain amount of compromise is in order.  If your FI's family absolutely refuses to agree to a dry wedding, then I think your family needs to accept the presence of at least a limited amount of alcohol even if it's against their religion.  They don't have to drink it.  You might even arrange for the bar to be in a room that your family doesn't go into.

That said, I think that his family should be expected to pay for it, not yours, and you have the right to limit the bar (as long as you don't do a cash bar), ask the bartenders not to serve anyone who's already had too many drinks, and arrange for escorting out and transportation for guests who have drunk too much alcohol.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-tradition-conflicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cadc9beb-fdc8-4baa-b674-4a518746a8d4Post:18decb1a-bf32-4f0a-95af-3d325d0d4e3e">Re: Help! Tradition Conflicts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! Tradition Conflicts : The bride and groom pay for their party unless someone else offers. The bride and groom do not demand that the groom's family pays for the bar because they are the ones that want it.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

Excuse me, but my point was that I don't think people who don't approve of alcohol should be expected to pay for it.  If the couple want it, yes, they pay for it.  But the groom and his family have no business expecting the bride's family to pay for it if they want it and the bride's family doesn't.

artbyallie

Jen, I'm not seeing where OP ever said her family is paying for the wedding?

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-tradition-conflicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cadc9beb-fdc8-4baa-b674-4a518746a8d4Post:9b6bb885-bf93-4a86-9b2d-113c7bfc2a45">Re: Help! Tradition Conflicts</a>:
[QUOTE]Jen, I'm not seeing where OP ever said her family is paying for the wedding?
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

Ok then.  If the OP and her FI really want the alcohol to please his family, they can pay for it-or, the FI can pay for it himself.

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_help-tradition-conflicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cadc9beb-fdc8-4baa-b674-4a518746a8d4Post:e0a802d8-9e24-4052-89fc-2c0908c75c3f">Re: Help! Tradition Conflicts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! Tradition Conflicts : My point is that the parents of the bride shouldn't be expected to pay for anything, whether they aprove or not.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

I think it depends on whether they already agreed to anything or are putting pressure on the couple to do something they didn't otherwise choose to do on their own.  If that's the case, then yes, the parents of whichever principal is doing that should foot the bill.

Peledreamsofrain

I find it excessively irritating when people push their personal life decisions onto everyone around them. Your family does not like to drink? Perfectly acceptable. It becomes unacceptable when they expect you to enforce their decision onto everyone else. Have a dry wedding because YOU want one, or it fits your budget. Not because someone decided to threaten to leave your wedding early because a perfectly legal liquid is present. It's not like you are throwing heroine around for goodness sake. And as for his family, if it has true alcoholics in it, then neither you, your family, your dry wedding, nor the apocolypse can keep them from getting drunk if they want to do it. All you can do is have your FI talk to family members to keep an eye on the problem people, and take them home before things get out of hand.

kmmssg

Your situation contains 2 of my pet peeves:

1.  Non-drinking family making an issue of alcohol being served at the family wedding.

2.  Family and friends who abuse the alcohol and get trashed at weddings.  I think that is incredibly tacky.

Addressing #1:  Does your family eat in places like Applebees, Chili's, Olive Garden, Ruby Tuesday?  If so, they choose to sit in a room of people drinking alcohol while they eat their dinner.  No one is forcing them to drink at those restaurants and no one will force them to drink at your reception.  If your family isn't scandalized eating at these places they won't be scandalized by your wedding.  I seriously detest that attitude.  Now, if you  tell me they won't step foot into any restaurant that serves alcohol I will back down on that one.  Your family gets to choose how THEY wish to handle alcohol, not how everyone else does.

Addressing #2:  If these people truly use receptions to get trashed, you need to limit your alcohol.  Will they still find a way to get trashed?  Probably, but the rest of your guests should be able to enjoy a cocktail if you are choosing to serve alcohol.  Just serve wine/beer.  

Your FFIL being an alcoholic really means nothing here.  If he is an active, drinking alcoholic and not in recovery he will be bringing alcohol.  My immediate family is rampant with alcoholism and I have lost some of them to it.  If your FBIL has substance abuse problems that really isn't alcohol, is it?  I'm saying that because you used "alcoholic" to describe the FFIL, and "substance abuse problems" to describe FBIL.

You guys need to decide what YOU GUYS want.  Your family needs to deal with someone enjoying a glass of wine at the next table and his family needs to deal with the fact that there won't be free flowing alcohol.  Compromise.

zitiqueen

kmmssg, you forgot #3 -- OP referring to her fiance as "my guy."

Wait. Maybe that's just my pet peeve.

[Deleted User]

If I were in your position I would have limited alcohol. I would tell his family that out of respect to your family that your going to have a limited bar and tell you family that out of respect to his family your having a limited bar. With the marriage you are joining the two families. There will be functions where both sides of the family are there and you will run into this problem everytime. If your family respects your groom & his family, they will tolerate the limited bar & just look past it and enjoy the evening. And the same with his family, if they respect you and your family, they will understand the limited bar.