Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Potential MOH is a relatively new friend...?

Hi there,

I just joined the site, so apologies if this is a repost of a question that's already been asked!

I just got engaged last weekend, and as we're aiming for a budget wedding next summer, we're trying to get the ball rolling pretty quickly.  I've been considering potential bridesmaids, and I have five in mind - my sister (too young to be MOH), three of my closest girlfriends from high school, and a friend that I've become very close to in the last seven months.

Here's the thing - I love my girlfriends from high school, but it would be agony to choose one of them for MOH over the others, and all three of them are living halfway across the country and don't have much in the way of financial resources.  While I feel like they know us a little better, having witnessed the entirety of my fiance's and my relationship, they would have a really hard time helping with the planning/preparation side of things.

My new friend is an amazing person, and I definitely think this friendship is something that will continue for a long time, if not forever.  She doesn't know us as well, due to our short friendship, but I know that she loves both of us very much.  Additionally, we live in the same town, and this is the town where the wedding will be held.  She's a very practical, responsible person and financially she's doing just fine, so I'm not concerned about her ability to help with transportation, planning, etc.  Even if she isn't MOH, I know she will be a lot of support and help - and ultimatley I feel like she deserves the title, if she's going to be helping so much!  

Do other people have thoughts about this issue?  I'm just so torn - there's good reasons for choosing any of these four ladies!  What was the thing that mattered most to you when choosing a MOH?

Re: Potential MOH is a relatively new friend...?

  • The MOH's responsibilities are simple: buy the requested attire (provided you meet her budget requirements; you ask her and all bridesmaids privately for their budget before you dress shop) and show up sober and smiling for the ceremony.  The MOH is usually the one who holds your bouquet and signs your marriage license, but if she can't do the latter for reasons of age or other factors you can have someone else who meet the legal requirements do that.

    MOHs and bridesmaids do not have to help you plan, throw you showers, DIY favors or centerpieces or do anything else (regardless of whatever any lists say).  Therefore, you shouldn't consider whether or not someone will help you with this stuff when asking people to stand up with you.  You should choose the person or people who are your nearest and dearest friends.  You can also not have an MOH and just have bridesmaids.  Whoever you choose, just don't pick them because they are best worker bee.
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  • aliemckaliemck member
    First Comment
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_potential-moh-is-a-relatively-new-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cc682db9-470f-4aa4-8245-eba5bd8cc7d3Post:72d0b69c-6db2-45bf-af59-a01218eaf845">Re: Potential MOH is a relatively new friend...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The MOH's responsibilities are simple: buy the requested attire (provided you meet her budget requirements; you ask her and all bridesmaids privately for their budget before you dress shop) and show up sober and smiling for the ceremony. [/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You're right, she doesn't *have* to help with the planning - but the weddings I have been a part of and observed always seemed to include some help from the MOH/bridesmaids, even if it's just providing a sounding board for ideas for the bride.  I care deeply about all of these ladies, and plan on asking all four of them to stand up wtih me.  I understand that not everyone feels this way, but it is important to me that my MOH be willing and able to help me with some things.</div><div>
    </div><div>Let's leave the planning/helping aspect out of it, and just put it this way: if I have a very close friend who is also a relatively new friend, is it a bad idea to ask her to be my MOH?  Have other people had similar dilemmas - choosing between childhood friends and college friends, for example?  Or even choosing between several friends within one close group.  What were the determining factors in your choices?

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  • We can't leave the planning aspect out of it because you are wrongly using it to determine your MOH.  Jacyln's advice is spot on

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  • JaxInBlueJaxInBlue member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2012
    Expecting the people you ask to help you with planning will be setting yourself up for disappointment if/when your bridal party cannot or will not help you (even if it's just listening to ideas).  You need to prepare yourself that not everyone views the roles of a bridal party attendant the same way.  If the wedding party helping out is common among your circle, you will probably offers, but it shouldn't be an expectation.  (FWIW, I got some help from my ladies, but it was always in the context of me saying "I'm doing this on X day" when they asked about the wedding planning. I never asked anyone other than DH to help with projects.)

    But planning aside and at the most basic level, you ask the person to be your MOH who is your absolute nearest and dearest friend - the person who was among the first people who you called or told of your engagement, that you thought FI was the one, probably the person you'd call with your one phone call.  If your new friend is that person for you, ask her.  My sister was my MOH - it was a no-brainer for me.

    Editted: grammar
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  • FWIW, I helped plan the wedding of two friends where I wasn't in the WP.  As MOH and a BM, I have and have not helped out.  It is not mandatory, it is something that people can offer.  My MOH lived in another state and all she did was show up wearing her dress.  That's it.  DH and I did all of the work for our wedding.
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  • If your wedding isn't until next August, isn't it a bit early to be selecting a bridal party? I would wait awhile and see if your next friendship sticks.
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  • aliemckaliemck member
    First Comment
    edited July 2012
    I feel like I should point people who are telling me that a MOH/bridesmaid doesn't help with the wedding at all to this article, from this same website.  Obviously I don't expect her to pay for anything (except her own dress/accessories) but it does not seem uncommon to have an expectation of support, advice and even a little planning help.  

    If that's not your bag, that's fine, but please don't feel the need to tell me I'm "doing it wrong" because of the things that are important to me.  If you don't feel comfortable with providing advice within the parameters I outlined, that's okay.

    @runpipparun, is it early?  My mother told me I should decide relatively quickly and ask them as soon as possible.  What is the general timeline that most people use?

    Edited: spelling
  • I'm not asking anyone until about 6 months ahead of time.  Relationships change, and sometimes weddings bring out things in people that you didn't know they were capable of.  You don't plan on that ever happening, but we see it all the time there.  And 6 months is plenty of time to get dresses, plan a shower (if the attendants choose to), etc.  You don't need to do it any sooner because it's not part of their responsibilities to help with the planning, and a lot of that stuff will be done before the 6 month mark.  You can *want* their help all you want, but they will be completely within their rights to not do anything.  If you need that much help that badly, you have a fiance (it's his wedding too), or you can hire someone.

    I plan on asking my niece to be a bridesmaid, and she would be 9 at the time of the wedding.  I don't think she's too young to wear a dress, hold some flowers, walk down the aisle, and smile for the camera. I want her there because I love her and I want to honor our relationship, not because I want her to throw me parties or glue ribbon on favors.  So I see no reason at all why your sister cannot be your MOH, unless you're only concerned about how much work you can make her do for you.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_potential-moh-is-a-relatively-new-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cc682db9-470f-4aa4-8245-eba5bd8cc7d3Post:9bf3b610-e4a8-4db5-90be-5cace15a720d">Re: Potential MOH is a relatively new friend...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I feel like I should point people who are telling me that a MOH/bridesmaid doesn't help with the wedding at all to  this article , from this same website.  Obviously I don't expect her to pay for anything (except her own dress/accessories) but it does not seem uncommon to have an expectation of support, advice and even a little planning help.   If that's not your bag, that's fine, but please don't feel the need to tell me I'm "doing it wrong" because of the things that are important to me.  If you don't feel comfortable with providing advice within the parameters I outlined, that's okay. @runpipparun, is it early?  My mother told me I should decide relatively quickly and ask them as soon as possible.  What is the general timeline that most people use? Edited: spelling
    Posted by aliemck[/QUOTE]

    We are well acquainted with TK's advice and know that it is the same as standard wedding industry advice.  The wedding industry has no purpose other than to make people spend as much money as possible, brainwash women into thinking their "special" day has to be perfect and everyone should be helping out.  You are also posting on a public message board and do not get to dictate how others respond.

    We tell people not to pick their WP until 6-8 months before because once someone is in your WP, that person stays.  You cannot kick someone out unless they have tried to kill you or sleep with your FI.  On Wedding Party, we get questions all the time about how to kick someone out and they don't like one bit when they are told that they can't.
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  • First of all, don't cite TK as credible wedding advice. They are part of the wedding industry and want to make money; they don't care about the feelings of your nearest and dearest. Even if other people you know have taken part in planning as an MOH, it is not required and you can't ask her to do that. If she offers, fine. But YOU are in charge of planning your own wedding.

    Out of curiosity, how old is your sister who's too young to be MOH?


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  • Any expectation of a MOH or BM other than them purchasing their dress (within a budget you asked them for privately) and showing up on time and be in pictures is pure BS. 

    I strongly suggest you lower your expectations of the requirements of a MOH quickly; it will only set you up for serious disappointment.

    Not every attendant is amped or wants to help surrounding your wedding day.  If they offer, fine.  Not offering should be fine too. Same with offering to throw any parties such as a bridal shower or b-party.

    By the way, no one is too young (or too old) to be a MOH.  They have the same requirement as a BM.  The only reason the title is different is because you consider that person near and dear to you, and they get to stand next to you at the ceremony.  MOHs are not required to sign anything (or throw any parties).  Heck, I didn't even *have* a MOH (just 4 BMs) and when it was time to sign the certificate, I asked them all in a group if one of them can sign it, it didn't matter who.  It doesn't even have to be someone in the WP. 
  • My sister & DH's sister were my Honor Attendants even though they were 17 & 15 years old at the time.  Two life long friends & another close friend were bridesmaids.  Having your sister stand by you as MOH will solve your problem.  Your "new" friend would still be a BM & help you with anything you need. Your other friends will do the same.

  • Yep, if you pick someone this early and expect them to help with with all of your little details, chances are they'll be so sick of hearing about your "special day" in 6 months, that you'll be back here asking us if you can kick them out because they've stopped answering your phone calls and emails.
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I would wait at least a few more months before even considering asking anyone to be in your wedding party.

    And if your sister is old enough to be a BM (which, to me, essentially means she can walk and understand what a wedding is) then she's old enough to be MOH. If you go into this expecting people to do things for you, I promise you will not only damage your friendships but you will end up terribly disappointed.

    Have you been in a wedding before? Most of us around here have, and so it's a given we're going to have some thoughts on the matter. What's more important: What a magazine says or how your actions make your dearest friends feel?

    My MOH lives in Houston and works 80 hours a week. She has had very little hand in planning my shower or bachelorette parties and she won't be able to attend them either. We're still best friends and even though she felt bad and I'm admittedly disappointed that she can't be there, our friendship hasn't been damaged because I didn't go into it with unreasonable expectations. I suggest you do the same.
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  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    How old is your sister?  If she is old enough to be a bridesmaid, she's old enough to be your MOH.  I'd think she (your sister) would be the best choice. It is not necessarily so that anyone other than the officiant signs the marriage license, so you may want to check on it.  That "duty" varies from one jurisdiction to the next.

    In any event, I would wait until 6 - 8 months prior to ask attendants.  You're a year away, right?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_potential-moh-is-a-relatively-new-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cc682db9-470f-4aa4-8245-eba5bd8cc7d3Post:add5c7ed-51af-4f39-8ae3-cddbb8d276ce">Re: Potential MOH is a relatively new friend...?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Potential MOH is a relatively new friend...? : You're right, she doesn't *have* to help with the planning - but the weddings I have been a part of and observed always seemed to include some help from the MOH/bridesmaids, even if it's just providing a sounding board for ideas for the bride.  I care deeply about all of these ladies, and plan on asking all four of them to stand up wtih me.  I understand that not everyone feels this way,<strong> but it is important to me that my MOH be willing and able to help me with some things</strong>. Let's leave the planning/helping aspect out of it, and just put it this way: if I have a very close friend who is also a relatively new friend, is it a bad idea to ask her to be my MOH?  Have other people had similar dilemmas - choosing between childhood friends and college friends, for example?  Or even choosing between several friends within one close group.  What were the determining factors in your choices?
    Posted by aliemck[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>If this is what you think a MOH is for, you should hire a wedding planner and call that person MOH.  </div><div>
    </div><div>MOH is meant to honor your closest friend, not to get free labor.  If you think asking the person who will offer the most free labor/pre-wedding parties over women that you have been very close to for a long time is not going to hurt feelings, you have another thing coming.  Your friends are going to consider it a huge slap in the face when they see you invite a girl that you've been friends with less than a year because she'll be able to help you more.  Honestly, I would reconsider my relationship with a good friend if I saw her doing something like that.  

    </div>
  • How old is your sister?  In this case she is the clear MOH to me.  Put aside worries about planning and working and let them enjoy the day.  If she's not old enough to drink then a bachelorette party that includes her can certainly be arranged.
  • You don't HAVE to have an MOH. I had 2 bridesmaids and a bridesman. You also have the option of asking her to be a BM if you think the rest of the WP would find it weird.

    But ultimately, it's your decision. My BMs were friends I had known for 4-5 years, which some people think is a short amount of time.
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  • I didn't bother reading most of the responses but I was in a similar situation. My family is in Texas, friends in Florida, and me in Illinois. I chose to have two friends be bridesmaids that I met within the past year and a half knowing I didn't want to burden my friends in Florida or make them feel obligated to travel or help from across the country. It has worked out great this way and nobody has had any hard feelings. Giving them the option of all be being brides maids without singling one person out as a MOH I think is the best solution. You are basically telling them they are all equally important to you
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