religion relationship issue with his mom

JessicaCrystalGailAmerson

i need some advice on this one. I'm getting married to my boyfriend of five years come next October and all of our wedding planning is going great until it comes to my future mother in law, and religion. first of all i am not religious in any sort of way.(i choose to be that way for personal reasons) but i am not against anyone who is at all. my fiance believes in God and i would never try to tell him different,but at the same time he understands my position and respects me for who i am. His mother on the other hand is super religious,and apparently thinks i am too although i have gave her no reason to believe so. i have sat down and talked to my fiance about how his mom is going to react when she finds out my religious position and what he told me has gave me nightmares ever since .She would pretty much try to make him leave me or try to sabotage our relationship to the point where he would have to choose me or her. I dont want it to come to that but its gonna have to happen one way or another and the sad part is i really get along well with his mom but once she finds this out i dont know whats gonna happen. i could really use some  help if anyones ever been in this situation.

DramaGeek

I'm not sure exactly what you're looking for.  It's not unusual for very conservative Christians (I'm making an assumption here) to react strongly to their child being "unequally yoked."  If you two are adult enough to get married, then you're adult enough to handle her freak out.  Really, it comes down to your Fi making a decision of which is more important, his mother's approval or you?

impslave

Both H and I come from Catholic families, we both went through Catholic school and the whole bit.  However, I've been a Buddhist for a few years and H considers himself agnostic.  A month or two after our engagement, MIL began vocally expressing her disappointment that I was not Catholic and that we were not going to have a church ceremony.

I managed to avoid the issue up until right after our wedding.  Things were said at our reception that came to my attention, and I knew that we had to have a chat.  MIL and I sat down (with my H) and I told her she could ask me anything she wanted about my beliefs.  It was a relief to finally clear the air between us, and my only regret was that we hadn't done that sooner.

If you think this is going to be a major issue for the three of you, then I encourage you to first talk with your FI and ask if he thinks if it's a good idea for the three of you to discuss religion.  If he thinks his mom might respond well, then have a nice sit-down talk and get it sorted out before it balloons into something worse.

NOLAbridealmost

I am not sure why you feel the need to tell her about your beliefs.  I, too, do not subscribe to any religion and it is something I have explicitly chosen not to discuss with my or my FI's very Catholic families because it is just way too awkward.  I worry that it will break my parent's hearts that I don't believe and I worry that his parents will judge me for it.  So I stay mum. 

However, as much as I try to avoid any discussion of it if I can, the issue definitely comes up when people ask why we're not having a Catholic wedding ceremony.  I just simply explained that we preferred to have a civil ceremony and left it at that.  There are definitely relatives who've expressed disapproval (FI's mom is one of them), but I think it would be a lie for me to enter the "sacrament" of marriage if it's not something I believe.  But I am also not going to grow old and die alone because of that.  Civil ceremony=the solution. 

So bottom line, I don't talk about religion with family because it just makes everyone upset.  And if religious issues come up in the wedding planning, just try to justify your choices using secular reasons and leave your beliefs out of it. 

JessicaCrystalGailAmerson

 i have asked my fi what he would do if she put him in that position and he has assured me that he would never leave me just because his mom doesn't approve on my religion status. Im pretty much just trying to figure out HOW to go about telling her without causing too much of a scene.(she hasn't talked to her own sister for 3 months,because her sister send her a text message containing a joke and God was in it. it wasn't even a nasty joke or anything like that. she basically cussed her out!) I dont want that kind of reaction.

DramaGeek

Honestly, I think this is a conversation for your fi to have with his mom.  He can either bring it up or wait for a time that she brings up religion/you/the wedding, but I think it will be better if he approaches it with her, not you.  The best thing he can do is just let her know that you both respect her beliefs, but that your (OP) beliefs are different from hers and that he hopes she can respect your beliefs, too.