Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Name Change Help!


My Fiance really wants me to change my maiden name to his, and I just do not want to do it, it makes me sick to think that I will have to change my last name, which I love.  Is it bad if I keep my own name?  I feel like I'm losing a part of myself if I take his name.  Any advice?
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Re: Name Change Help!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:dae1efae-7da8-445a-a50f-dda0e096b564Post:4e31aabe-c026-4b3b-95fa-3acf2995b953">Name Change Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]My Fiance really wants me to change my maiden name to his, and I just do not want to do it, it makes me sick to think that I will have to change my last name, which I love.  Is it bad if I keep my own name?  I feel like I'm losing a part of myself if I take his name.  Any advice?
    Posted by zaria115[/QUOTE]
    It's your last name that would change so it should be your decision. It's 2012; women have every right to make the decision that works best for them. Have you explained how you feel to FI? It is not bad to keep your own name at all; it is your decision.<div>
    </div><div>FTR, I did change my name after years of saying I never would. I do feel this is a decision that should be made solely by the bride since it is her name that may be affected.</div>
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  • Your name, your decision. I didn't change my name, which my H fully supports. 

    I suggested to my husband that we could both hyphenate (ie. Mary & Bob Smith-Jones) and he looked at me like I had three heads. The idea of HIM changing his name was so foreign to him and he immediately got defensive. So I told him that's exacty how I feel.



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  • That's exactly how I feel!  My FI wants me to change my name, and I did mention him changing his name as well, and his jaw fell to the floor.  I feel much better and more secure in my decision after everyones comments.

    Thanks!

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:dae1efae-7da8-445a-a50f-dda0e096b564Post:506a8ecc-f028-41cf-99d1-99606e5e4436">Re: Name Change Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Your name, your decision. I didn't change my name, which my H fully supports.  I suggested to my husband that we could both hyphenate (ie. Mary & Bob Smith-Jones) and he looked at me like I had three heads. The idea of HIM changing his name was so foreign to him and he immediately got defensive. So I told him that's exacty how I feel.
    Posted by daria24[/QUOTE]
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  • I also did not change my name. Never wanted to. Thankfully, the extent of the conversation with my now-husband was this: Him: "So, did you plan on changing your name?" Me: "Nope." Him: "Okay."

    However, I can completely understand the social pressure to change! And I can imagine it must be harder when your own FI is also pressuring you to change it.

    I have seen women comment on here that at first their FIs were against it, and then later on, their FIs have stood up for them and defending the decision to their friends. I'm sure everything will work out!
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  • Don't take his name if you don't want to.  If having the same name is so important to him, tell him to change his to yours.  If he gets defensive, do as PPs have suggested and remind him that it's exactly the same thing.
  • I haven't changed my name either, mostly for professional reasons.  I may change it at some point, or hyphenate, or something.   I use his name socially though.

    Maybe you could talk to your fiance about exactly what he doesn't like about you keeping your own name?  Is he worried that you'll want to give any children your last name instead of his?  If so, maybe you could make a plan NOW to either give them his name or hyphenate.  That might ease his fears a little bit.

    But yeah, it's your decision to make.
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  • I complete agree with PP's that is is perfectly fine to keep your last name.  I even know a woman who kept her maiden name when she got married over 30 years ago!  (And they are still happily married.)  It was definitely more 'unheard of' back then.  She also has five grown children.  They have their dad's last name.

    In several Asian countries, the custom is for the woman to keep the surname of her father.  So there are places where the woman keeping her maiden name is common place.  My FI's mom is from Korea and she kept her last name even though she married an American.  :-)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:dae1efae-7da8-445a-a50f-dda0e096b564Post:463b57b2-5fc9-4be1-8421-65cf4abc30ff">Re: Name Change Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am so lucky to have a fiance that says its my choice.  I don't get why it matters so much to some people if a woman changes her last name or not. I have told people at work (men and women) that I would not be changing my name and they looked at me like I was a nut job
    Posted by snippet17[/QUOTE]

    I find the reponse is usually, "Wait - what's his last name?!" As if it's something so awful that I couldn't bear to change my name to that, like Butts or Humperdink. Nope. What his name is had nothing to do with my decision. It was about MY name.
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  • Tell your FI to back off.  He needs to respect that this is your name, your decision.  Sure, he's entitled to his opinion, but that doesn't give him the right to pressure you.  

    When this discussion came up with my H, I said "I'm trying to decide whether I should change my name."  He said "well, you're welcome to mine if you want it, but you're going to have to make a decision."  Then we got into the wine and started coming up with goofy mashups with both of our names.  

    Honestly, if he had tried to push me into doing something I didn't want to do, I would have rethought the whole marriage.  It's not that a name is that huge of a deal, but I couldn't marry someone who thought he should have final say in decisions.  
  • My fiance is taking my last name. I refused to change mine, he likes mine better anyway, & he wants our kids to have the same name as both their parents. So he's going to take my name when we marry. I'm thrilled. I would have been happy if he'd kept his too. 
  • Avion22Avion22 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:dae1efae-7da8-445a-a50f-dda0e096b564Post:980852bc-d150-43f1-bfd0-d0d4f1df1f6c">Re: Name Change Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Name Change Help! : For the record, it also goes the other way.  I caught so much flack for changing my name when I got married that it wasn't even funny.  I was told that I was a horrible example for any future children, <strong>a disgrace to my gender, and that I ought to give up my right to vote as well if I was going to be setting the women's movement back that far.</strong> I will never understand why someone's name suddenly becomes everyone's business when a wedding happens.  Why does anyone care what a woman chooses to do?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    <div>So according to these people, keeping your FATHER'S name is somehow better for the women's movement than taking your HUSBAND'S name?  I don't get it.  </div>
    DSC_9275
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:dae1efae-7da8-445a-a50f-dda0e096b564Post:980852bc-d150-43f1-bfd0-d0d4f1df1f6c">Re: Name Change Help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Name Change Help! : For the record, it also goes the other way.  I caught so much flack for changing my name when I got married that it wasn't even funny.  I was told that I was a horrible example for any future children, a disgrace to my gender, and that I ought to give up my right to vote as well if I was going to be setting the women's movement back that far. I will never understand why someone's name suddenly becomes everyone's business when a wedding happens.  Why does anyone care what a woman chooses to do?
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]



    This.

    Sigh.

    And part of this is tragically due to my age!

    I am happy to leave my current name (ex-H's) but the fact remains that it is still what "I" want, what "I" am comfortable with, and did I mention what "I" want?

    Be true to yourself. There will not be regret in that.
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  • I plan on changing my name, I already love the sound of what my new name will be.

     My little cousin broke it off with her fiance over a fight that stemmed from her not wanting to change her name. For her, her father has passed, she only has one sister, and they are the last with their fathers/family name. She didn't want to end her fathers name/heritage by changing it.

    Everyone is different. It's your name and you are the only one who can decide if you keep it, change it, hypenate it or make your maiden your middle name and take a new last name.  Your FH could even take your name! Nobody should judge and if they do, you shouldn't let it bother you.
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  • My last name sucks- can't wait to change it lol (sorry dad!)
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