Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Guest List

I have asked our parents to prvide a list of guest that they think we should invite (family and close family friends) However when my FH saw the list he freaked out and said they will not all be invited only the ones that must be. I have a large family, parents divorced and remarried years ago. . I dont know how to determine who to invite and who not to invite without hurting any ones feelings and sure dont want to make the FH upset
Please help... Thanks

Re: Guest List

  • Who is paying for the wedding first of all? If either of your parents are, then they also get a say in the guest list. If you and Fi are paying, then you both should come up with a budget, and to me, the number you invite depends on how many you can afford given your venue, food option, etc.

    I think there should just in general be some compromise and it sounds like you guys aren't on the same page. If it's a money issue that has FI freaking out and you cant really afford this many guests, then I do think you should consider downsizing. For instance, you might decide to cut co-workers or distant relatives, etc. Having said that if your family is quite a bit larger than FI's, it only makes sense that you would be inviting more people than he is.

    Who "must" be invited is up to both of you. If you have to cut because of space or budgets, people will understand. I don't expect to be invited to every acquaintance's or cousin's wedding, and some people just like more intimate weddings. I just think you and FI need to come to an agreement/compromise, and if you cut people, I don't think only you should have to cut; FI should also look at his own list.


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Vacation
  • The most important question is.....who is paying?  That will drive who decides the guest list.
  • Parents are paying for the most part but we are also contributing a little bit.
  • ...more than anything, I'm kind of concerned by the way you're communicating with your FI here.  Does he frequently unilaterally make decisions for you about how you will interact with your family?

    Why is it important not to make him upset, but not important to you that he has apparently just made you pretty upset?

    I'm getting to a point here, which is that this is the sort of thing you're supposed to compromise over as a couple after much discussion (and taking into consideration that paying parents get to pick part of the guest list).  If you feel like you can't talk this over with him and compromise, you have much, much bigger problems than the guest list.
  • I have no problem talking to him thank you. However neither of us really know the "rules" per say as to who gets a say in what. So this is why I started the board.  I understand it is OUR day and we should do whatever we want. I know now that yes my parents do have some say in what happens since they are paying for the majority of the wedding.
    Also it is important to not make him upset because he is my future husband and why would I want to purposely upset him over something that I do have control over?   And we make decisions together, again we don't know the "rules" so I asked.  I don't recall ever saying that I was upset due to this situation, just that when he saw the list it was a shock.
  • If your parents are paying and would like a large guest list, then I do think they get a say in that, especially if a lot of people on the guest list are their guests. Why does it bother FI so much if he is not paying for it? Just wondering what his reasons are for it.


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Vacation
  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited July 2012
    Agree with PP....why is your FI freaking out and saying that not everyone on the guest list can be invited if he's not paying? 

    If it's simply because he wants a smaller wedding, then decline the monetary help from your parents and pay for what you want to host yourself.
  • SB1512SB1512 member
    500 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    OP I completely understand where you FI is coming from.  My family is very small (16 people including first cousins/aunts/uncles/etc) as we do not keep in touch with more distant relatives.  FI's parents came here from Italy and not only have large families and keep in touch with distant relatives, but are very traditional as well in the sense that everyone must be invited.  When his mom gave us a 130 person guest list, I freaked out, because I wanted no more than 150 at our wedding.  His parents are giving us $$ towards the wedding and at first I really wanted to turn the money down and only use our own funds and what my parents offered up ($$ with no strings attached) but that caused even more drama!  I got a really big lecture from his mom about "not understanding how these things worked" and in the end it was just easier to accept their huge guest list and their money.  Am I super happy about it?  Not really.  But, I can take comfort in the fact that of those 130 invited, only about 90-100 are exptected to attend.  I know everyone says to count on 100% attendance but 30-40 of the people on this guest list are in their late 80's or early 90's and live out of the country so them making the trip is really really slim. 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards