do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?

vidabohemia

Alright, so first, my fiance proposed to me almost one year ago to the day. he proposed with an inexpensive ring from kohls, telling me that he had picked out a better, more unique ring that he was saving up for and would get me very soon, but i could wear this one until he got it. great, i had no problem.
until the place holder ring began to turn my finger and hand green and made my skin break out and bleed. that started to happen 7 months after the engagment, and my actual $300 ring had yet to be ordered. i had to stop wearing the ring because it was rubbing off my skin!
so i currently dont have a ring, one year later he STILL has not managed to save up $300 for this ring. meanwhile i have purchased his $250 ring, plus all our decorations, my dress, and other jewlery.
and last night i noticed that this lovely unique ring that i have been promised for 12 months, has a 16 week out order time, which means that if it was ordered RIGHT NOW it would not even be finished until after the wedding.

needless to say, im really upset. is that wrong? my friend keeps telling me to use ANOTHER place holder ring for the ceremony, but who does that? is that really a thing? because who knows when ill actually have a ring if i use yet another placeholder ring for the ceremony...

am i crazy?? thanks for reading

Jen4948

I'd be upset too...not over the cost of whatever ring you end up with, but the fact that he gave you a ring that negatively impacted on your health and doesn't have plans to get you one you can wear in time for the ceremony.

But, when all is said and done, the ring or lack of one won't change the fact that you will be legally and otherwise validly married once the ceremony is over, whether or not you had one before the ceremony took place.

Calypso1977

i would be upset, but at this point id funnel my energies into making sure you have a wedding ring which IMO is more important (and necessary, depending upon what your ceremony plans are) than the E-Ring.

vidabohemia

thanks to everyone. all of your responses are true and helpful. i know i must worry more about getting any ring at this point, im just still very frustrated because i have been telling him this whole time that the ring might not be available if not ordered soon, and that it would take a long time to get ready and still he made no moves to get it.
nothing we can do at this point, i guess

vidabohemia

also, the intended ring was both an engagment and a wedding ring. so that makes it more frustrating.

GoodLuckBear14

Have you two had the serious sit down discussion where you go over all of your finances?  Assets, debts, investment holdings, monthly expenses, etc. It's not comfortable but you really have to do it before you get married.  If he cannot afford this ring and you think he should be able to, you may have something bigger to worry about.

vidabohemia

totally get that. he actually asked me for one of my pay stubs and a list of my expenses so that HE could make a budget for us and figure out how much we can afford to spend on an appartment. but im thinking that maybe he shouldnt be the one to do that... i gave him my pay stub a month and a half ago.

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-a-reason-to-be-upsetwould-you-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4fdd92f-8942-490e-a166-292436430f6fPost:72c3d688-dfc8-4fc4-b147-e0985c91e353">Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]H<strong>ave you two had the serious sit down discussion where you go over all of your finances?  Assets, debts, investment holdings, monthly expenses, etc. It's not comfortable but you really have to do it before you get married.  If he cannot afford this ring and you think he should be able to, you may have something bigger to worry about.</strong>
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Ditto this. If he can't afford a $300 ring during a 7 month period, when you think he should be able to scrounge up the money over that period of time, you have bigger problems. You need to have a talk with him. 

CrazyCatLady3

I would be upset too. In addition to finance issues as a married couple, how can you afford a wedding if he can't save $300 to get a ring?

cbrown828

Ditto Stage. My first thought was that there is so much more to this issue than the ring. If you've been able to pay for an entire wedding, and he hasn't been able to set aside $300 is 7 months, there's something else going on. Whether it's poor financial choices, foot-dragging, whatever...sit down and talk it out.

colleengilhooly

I agree with PPs. The ring, or lack thereof, is no longer the issue at this point. I would be more worried that something else is going on. You need to have a grown-up conversation with him.

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-a-reason-to-be-upsetwould-you-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4fdd92f-8942-490e-a166-292436430f6fPost:c8d5e840-34e2-4cfd-982a-c7482f82f993">Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this? : Wha the wha? Yeah, you guys have WAAAAAY bigger issues than this ring. You should be discussing finances and planning your future TOGETHER.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This. Why on earth would only one person figure out the budget? I mean, if he's the more budget savvy one (not likely from your OP) that's totally cool if he leads more, but you need to be there, participating more than handing over a pay stub. Seriously, sit down and talk about finances before you continue.

nycrose2013

yea, if he can't afford $300.00 in seven months time, how will he ever be able to afford rent? Not a good situation.

Besides finances, he also led you on and let you down big time. Doesn't say much for his ability to be a reliable life partner. If he is ok with disappointing you on this, what else will he be ok with?

melb2013

Yup, I'm with everyone else- there are bigger issues here than the ring.  If you can't save $300 over 7 months, how will you two ever have savings?  I would say the biggest issue is that the two of you don't seem to be having open and honest conversations about money.  You two should have discussed money, savings, purchases like rings, many times before now.

OwningAHome1981

I wouldn't be upset. I'm not much of a person for material possessions. My ring was free- it is a hand-me-down family heirloom, which I happen to love, BUT at the end of the day, ring or not, you are marrying your best friend and a ring or lack of won't change that.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-a-reason-to-be-upsetwould-you-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4fdd92f-8942-490e-a166-292436430f6fPost:644054f0-bf46-4e36-807f-aeea7cd33025">Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't be upset. I'm not much of a person for material possessions. My ring was free- it is a hand-me-down family heirloom, which I happen to love, BUT at the end of the day, ring or not, you are marrying your best friend and a ring or lack of won't change that.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

Well then, I guess you wouldn't mind losing your home because somebody couldn't afford the mortgage.

OP - demand an accounting from him about his finances.  The two of you should really sit down with a financial advisor so that you have clear ground rules and are on the same page.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-a-reason-to-be-upsetwould-you-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4fdd92f-8942-490e-a166-292436430f6fPost:601815aa-60b8-4f78-9fa4-a6c544ddf342">Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this? : The issue is that he made a promise and he hasn't kept it.  It could be about a ring or it could be about buying homeowners insurance.  The point is, he made a promise and couldn't (or didn't) save the money necessary.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

Well yes but perhaps he has other finances she didn't mention? School loans? Medical bills? (Obv things like rent/mortgage are givens).

Yes in the scheme of things $300 isn't really a lot but the prices of everything are going up. Maybe he honestly thought he'd have the money and realises now he does not. I drive a small sports car and it costs $70 to fill up my tank, which a few months ago it didn't. It is very hard to save money in this day & age with prices rising on virtually everything.

I'm not 100% on the guys side at all... just trying to give another perspective.

GoodLuckBear14

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-a-reason-to-be-upsetwould-you-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4fdd92f-8942-490e-a166-292436430f6fPost:b5c09ab5-5951-4ec3-82ac-e3d5c0f90912">Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this? : Well yes but perhaps he has other finances she didn't mention? School loans? Medical bills? (Obv things like rent/mortgage are givens). Yes in the scheme of things $300 isn't really a lot but the prices of everything are going up. Maybe he honestly thought he'd have the money and realises now he does not. I drive a small sports car and it costs $70 to fill up my tank, which a few months ago it didn't. It is very hard to save money in this day & age with prices rising on virtually everything. I'm not 100% on the guys side at all... just trying to give another perspective.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

You are missing the very large flashing neon point that she needs to know exactly what his finances are. NOW.</div>

Peledreamsofrain

Here you go Stage:

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-a-reason-to-be-upsetwould-you-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4fdd92f-8942-490e-a166-292436430f6fPost:6af87c17-4c0a-4fa5-abdc-1a93291cda26">Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]totally get that. he actually asked me for one of my pay stubs and a list of my expenses so that HE could make a budget for us and figure out how much we can afford to spend on an appartment. but im thinking that maybe he shouldnt be the one to do that... i gave him my pay stub a month and a half ago.
Posted by vidabohemia[/QUOTE]

Seriously?  A guy who can't manage to save $300 over the time span of a year is going to budget for a newly married couple??  This sends up red flags for me.  Spidey sense getting tingly.  Yikes!

Summer2011Bride

Ditto (most of) the others. You need to sit down and discuss finances together ASAP. The ring itself is not the issue; the issue is, he said he would have a certain amount saved up by a certain time and did not, plus you have no idea of his finances. What if he is thousands in credit card debt? Not saying you wouldn't end up marrying him over that, but it is a serious issue and one that must be discussed together.

renegade gaucho

Yeah, much bigger problems then the ring here.  I would put the wedding plans on hold until you two have a very serious, prolonged discussion, preferrably with a qualified counselor.

Peledreamsofrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-a-reason-to-be-upsetwould-you-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4fdd92f-8942-490e-a166-292436430f6fPost:56358b8a-3f1d-45f4-9440-6cabd2c96188">Re:do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I pink puffy heart you, Pele!
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]


heehee, right back atcha.  Everyone needs a little Picard in their day.

Knottie_22382102

They had Judd Hirsch say "All you need is Love" in Independence Day. That's like, all you need in the last 10 minutes of your life before the aliens destroy you.

My first marriage ended in part, because my ex was completely financially irresponsible. It matters. $300 is not a lot to save in 7 months. There's something wrong here.

Andama08

I would start to wonder if he is really serious about getting married and having a wedding. Did he just propose to keep you around? Is he really ready for marriage? I understand in many relationships one makes more than the other but it's not fair to you to have to pay for everything, especially if he has the money and not spending/Saving it properly. Does he make comments about wanting to help financially or he just doesn't care?

MsYeck

Seriously aNybody should be able to save $300 bucks in 7 months. Hell when I had too pay a renal and a mortgage for 3 months I managed to save the $500 needed each month.....I simply lived off of Ramen Noodle and tea for under $2 a day and cut cable.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-a-reason-to-be-upsetwould-you-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4fdd92f-8942-490e-a166-292436430f6fPost:a4c40c91-4b71-4a14-920b-4f3631baf9ff">Re: do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously aNybody should be able to save $300 bucks in 7 months. Hell when I had too pay a renal and a mortgage for 3 months I managed to save the $500 needed each month.....I simply lived off of Ramen Noodle and tea for under $2 a day and cut cable.
Posted by MsYeck[/QUOTE]

Still not the point.  Did you read the entire thread?

SP29

I would be upset.

Not about having a ring or not, but because he made a comittment to you that he hasn't followed through with. 

I would also be questioning finances. If he can't afford $300, how will the two of you afford a wedding?

Time for a good talk.

vidabohemia

I really appreciate all your input
we are going to sit down with a financial advisor and try to get ourselves straightened out . He does have other expenses, such as a small school loan, but I think most of it was he just kept forgetting... he really is a good guy, he just needs to be pushed! he ordered the ring the day after I flipped out about this whole thing going down. I didn't really flip out, I just, made him aware of how disappointed I was. thanks again everyone!

Kristin789

He's just not that into you.

A man who is really motivated to love a woman, plan a wedding and marry her, and build a life foundation with her is a man who can do the things your FI has not.

beautiflaw

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_do-i-have-a-reason-to-be-upsetwould-you-do-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:e4fdd92f-8942-490e-a166-292436430f6fPost:1c0059f0-109a-4e50-8b9c-f030c97402e9">do i have a reason to be upset?/would you do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright, so first, my fiance proposed to me almost one year ago to the day. he proposed with an inexpensive ring from kohls, telling me that he had picked out a better, more unique ring that he was saving up for and would get me very soon, but i could wear this one until he got it. great, i had no problem. until the place holder ring began to turn my finger and hand green and made my skin break out and bleed. that started to happen 7 months after the engagment, and my actual $300 ring had yet to be ordered. i had to stop wearing the ring because it was rubbing off my skin! so i currently dont have a ring, one year later he STILL has not managed to save up $300 for this ring. meanwhile i have purchased his $250 ring, plus all our decorations, my dress, and other jewlery. and last night i noticed that this lovely unique ring that i have been promised for 12 months, has a 16 week out order time, which means that if it was ordered RIGHT NOW it would not even be finished until after the wedding. needless to say, im really upset. is that wrong? my friend keeps telling me to use ANOTHER place holder ring for the ceremony, but who does that? is that really a thing? because who knows when ill actually have a ring if i use yet another placeholder ring for the ceremony... am i crazy?? thanks for reading :)
Posted by vidabohemia[/QUOTE]

My husband proposed to me with a ring that was from Claire's, because the one he'd ordered was getting re-sized and it was going to take forever to come in and he had ants in his pants about proposing. It turned my finger green after wearing it for only a week. I wore it on a chain and it turned my neck green were it brushed against my skin. I didn't get my engagement ring until a month before my wedding. We thought it would be after the wedding before we got it, so we planned to only use the band during the ceremony. It was not a big deal. I was just happy to be getting married. We've been happily married for almost 5 years and have been very blessed. Unfortunately, I rarely wear either ring because now we have a daughter, and I don't want to get diaper cream in my ring! Its really not as important as you think it is right now.

My best advice is to talk about it with him. He may be getting groom jitters and is nervous to take the next step and plunk down cold hard cash. He might have changed his mind about the ring and maybe wants to get you a better one. You never know until you talk about it. I know right now the ring symbolizes a commitment and probably it looks like he can't do this one thing so maybe he's going to flake out on other things too, but there's probably a perfectly good reason. Communication is the most important thing in marriage, and you need to learn to do it now before its too late.