Honoring Daddy

Cassalyn312

My father unexpectedly passed away on May 9th in his sleep. My wedding is 100 days away and I am completely lost as to how to move ahead with our plans. My brother has stepped in and will walk me down the aisle holding a photo of our father, but he doesn't feel comfortable dancing with me for the father/daughter dance. I am heartbroken that my father won't be there to dance with me, and I'm trying to figure out a way to play our song and honor him properly. I decided against dancing with my mom and step mom to the song, which is Jim Croce's Time in a Bottle. My fiance thought that we could sit out for half of the song and then both go out there and dance for the rest of it, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Can you ladies give me some guidance on this topic? Also, if you have any ideas on how to honor him during the ceremony and reception, I'd be very appreciative. Thank you so much. 

[Deleted User]

I think your brother should dance with you if you want to have a father daughter dance.  I would let your brother know how important this is to you, and why you would like him to do it.
If he doesn't want to I would ask my grandpa or unlce to walk me down the isle as well as dance with me. I think both honors should be one person.
Although he will not be with you on that day he is always with you, and you should share that moment with someone close to your dad as well as you. I would not dance with your FI. That to me seems very odd.

I am very sorry for your loss.

[Deleted User]

I'm sorry for your loss. 

I agree with ppl that you should talk to your brother if that is what you would like to do. And I do not know what else to do for that. But I have seen in the case of a close family members passing where the bride pins a small picture under her dress in the tull or under skirt so that it isnt visible to anyone else. As a way of including, honoring, and in the one case I saw it a way to dance with their grandfather through the evening. 

midgetthemighty

I'm sorry for your loss. One of my best friends just had the same thing happen to her father. She's an only child and I'm unsure what she's doing to fulfill her father's role. Be thankful you have a brother to step in for this.

That being said, I agree with PPs about having one person fulfill both typical father roles in weddings. If you explain to your brother how important it is to you to have the dance with him and he still declines, use an uncle, grandfather, etc. for both or don't have any extra special dances.

Some people have used memory trees at the ceremony with pictures of lost loved ones hanging from it and several people mention lost loved ones they wish could be there in the program. Choose something that means something to you and your family.

impslave

I agree with PPs up to a point.  If OP's brother is uncomfortable with the dance, she shouldn't push him.  He is also mourning the loss of their father, and that might be simply too much for him to want to deal with.

OP, my suggestion would be to have your brother walk with you, since he has already agreed to do this.  For the dances, either dance with your mom, or another male figure important in your life (grandfather, uncle, family friend).  Or, you can choose to not dance at all.  I'm sure your guests are aware of your loss and will not question your decision.

My condolences and thoughts are with you *hug*.

coralee715

I am very sorry for your loss!  I wouldn't push your brother to dance with you.  I would dance with a close uncle or grandfather if you really want to have that be part of your reception.  My father passed away 12 years ago, and I just won't have that at my reception. 

Cassalyn312

Thank you ladies. I really appreciate your input. 

The one thing my heart is telling me to do is to go out there for the first half of the song alone, and have my husband(at that point!) meet me for the second half. I honestly can't see myself dancing with anyone but my dad or my husband to that song. I know I'm going to be a wreck that day anyway, no matter what I do. I like the idea of the memory tree... I might find a way to incorporate that into our reception. 

As for my brother, he's only 24 while I'm 27 and he really is uncomfortable being in the spotlight. Believe me, I had to BEG him to walk me down the aisle. He finally agreed to that, but was pretty adamant about not doing the dance. 

I spoke with my stepmom, and she agreed to wait to bury daddy's ashes until after the wedding, which really made me happy. I want him there as much as possible, and to see his urn there, will comfort me that he really is there. 

This is going to be a painful, sad process, but knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life with a man who not only did my father approve of and like, but who has all of the best quailities of my father in him. 

Bride2be110511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_honoring-daddy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:e6490d4c-66c3-443c-8976-8a021c20a7f1Post:616446f2-9a97-4102-85bb-e449163ff278">Re: Honoring Daddy</a>:
[QUOTE] This is going to be a painful, sad process, but knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life with a man who not only did my father approve of and like, but who has all of the best quailities of my father in him. 
Posted by Cassalyn312[/QUOTE]


I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Words cannot express the sadness I feel for you! Your original post made me cry! It will be a bitter-sweet day and you will be strong and get through it!

I agree not to push your brother since he doesn't like to be in the spot light. I think it is beautiful that he is walking you down the aisle. I like the idea of the possibility of dancing with an uncle, or your grandfather. I no longer have a grandfather, but if you do, would this be possible? I don't think you should go out there alone during the first half of the song. Either dance with your husband, or a close relative or your dad's. Don't go by yourself. You will be hysterical, I think if you were to go out there alone. Have a shoulder to cry on. Your dad will definitely be there with you, in spirit. You will feel his presence there.

arrabelle

oohhhhh, i'm so sorry about your dad.  your post also made me cry!  we lost FI's mom suddenly in october - our wedding is still 10 mos out and it's hard to think about it, i can't imagine having so little time in between.  keep supportive people close to you at all times and be gentle with everyone in your family, our last six months have been a roller coaster.

we're skipping the dances, aside from our first dance.  it seems cruel to make FI watch me dance with my dad when he can't dance with his mom, while everybody watches.  

FI and his mom would have danced to her favorite elvis song.  we might print out the lyrics on the programs or place cards, then play a different elvis song later in the night and dedicate it to her while more people are out on the dance floor.  we're also having lots of family photos scattered everywhere to include the people we miss.....hopefully that gets people talking about happy memories.  ???  i don't know. i'm looking for more ideas also.

i personally would shy away from playing the specific song.  there's no chance you're going to forget to honor your dad, and music is just soooo good at elevating already high emotions.  i think standing out on the floor alone, sitting and listening to it while everyone is seated, or dancing it with your FI may tear you up unnecessarily.

i'm not a super religious person but i'm saying a little prayer for you!  you'll get through it.....you will.

JanieLytle1

I'm so sorry for your loss! :-(
 I went to a wedding recently where the Bride & Groom choose to have pictures of loved ones who had passed away on display with a candle for each of them, instead of still playing the song as part of a dance why not play it while you light a candle in memory of your father.  You & your husband could light one together and you could also choose to have one for your mother, brother,and any other family members to light.  

jemmini6

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I can't imagine having to deal with a tragedy so close to such a happy occassion.  Please remember that your dad would have wanted you to be happy that day no matter what so try not to dwell on the fact that he's not there. 

If you had already chosen that song prior to your dad's death, I would still play it with no one dancing for half the song as a 'moment of silence' and then dance the last half with your husband.  Sort of symbolic to the whole 'giving you away' thing too, that the first half is just for your dad and then having your husband coming in at the second half.

Cassalyn312

I love this idea of printing out the lyrics to the song I was going to dance with my father to.... I'm going to work with this and talk to the FI. What a WONDERFUL idea! Thank you for sharing!!! =0)