My FI and I are paying for the whole wedding due to a) his parents both passed away unexpectantly and b) my (divorced) parents have no money to spare for this day.
My relationship with my mom has been rocky since her divorce to my dad 20 yrs ago and it wasn't until I moved to AZ 6 years ago that we began to build a relationship. We've had our hills and valleys, to say the least, and seeing eye to eye on things has always been an issue. The dynamics are hard to describe and not important at the moment to explain, but there has become an issue regarding what is "tradition" and what is "mom being mom".
I moved from AZ to Oregon just a few month ago (much to my mom's dismay) and before I moved away she offered to pay for my wedding gown as part of her gift to me and to "help out" with wedding costs. Her only stipulation was that it couldn't be "sexy". Like I'm a girl that would buy a sexy dress! I was happy about the offer/gift and we left it on a good note. That didn't last long.
Over the last few weeks I talked with my mom about wanting to fly down to AZ so we can go dress shopping in the coming months. Knowing that most bridal mags and even TheKnot recommend that you begin browsing dresses asap and then shop around the 10-8 month mark, I wanted to stay on top of the recommended timeline. I found a dress in a magazine that I absolutely fell in love with and even went to a bridal salon to see it (not try it on) in person. I like other dresses too, but this one gave me that "wow" factor above all others I've seen.
Last week I talked to my mom about coming down again, but this time she shot back with a "I dont think it's necessary at this time, maybe after the New Year" (I'm getting married next June 2011). She asked me to send her a link to the dress I have my eye on and the cost. When I sent it to her she said that the dress was beautiful and sophisticated but not modest "for God to be approving of" (I guess the sleeveless dresses aren't what she imagined me in) and that I must've been "lying" about loving Kate Middleton's wedding gown.
She also sent me a lengthy email (her signature mode of communication) explaining that since I've already window shopped and our opinions on what is appropriate for a dress is not similar she would rather I not "waste my time flying down" to shop with her, that I already have it figured out, and that the extent of her involvement will be to call in her credit card # to the salon up here in Oregon. She stated that she doesn't want me to resent her for choosing a dress she likes rather than one I love.
I sent her an email back reminding her that the dress isn't sexy, which was her only request, that they have lace jackets to wear over the gown and that it was something I was planning to do (since my wedding is outdoors and I want something to cover up in when it's cool at night). More importantly- that I really wanted the traditional mother/daughter shopping trip. I stressed the importance that it meant to me, but I also told her that I dont like to accept gifts (esp money) with conditions on them. Unlike my brothers relationship with her, I dont just take money without thinking twice about it.
I told her that I would rather pay for the dress myself than have her only pay for the gown from another state without shopping for it with me. But I also dont want to go through an awkward appointment with her, both afraid of stepping on eachother's toes with fake smiles- or worse yet- yearning for a genuine smile from her and not getting it. I'm saddened by her choice to drop the moment rather than seize it! What should I do? Whats the next step after this??