Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid

I hardly know her, let me just say that first. We have only met twice. I don't even particularly care for the woman. In fact, I'm concerned she will try to make the day more about her. That is just her personality. 

Her mother (my future mother-in-law), told me in person that they both expected me to ask her to be in the wedding. I was shocked. I had no idea this was expected of me. 

Well, I have chosen NOT to ask her. Why? Because it's my wedding and I should be able to choose my attendants. They don't know I have made this decision yet. My fiance could not care less, and my family thinks I am right to choose my own bridesmaids.

Do you think it's wrong of me not to include her? I don't want to create any sort of hard feelings, but it's ridiculous they would put that kind of pressure on me in the first place!
Wedding Countdown Ticker

Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid

  • Choosing who is in your wedding party is completely in your control etiquette-wise. That said, is it a hill you're willing to die on?  Do you really want to begin married life with both women in your husband's family pissed at you because you didn't include her?  I'd suggest to your FI that he ask her to stand up on his side if you're completely unwilling to let her stand up on your side.  The days of gender specific attendants are long gone. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_future-sister-in-law-expects-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f424ca83-918e-4a47-adee-301447bd28c5Post:53b77332-7d33-43d6-b97a-ddf70780eba9">Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I hardly know her, let me just say that first. We have only met twice. I don't even particularly care for the woman. In fact, I'm concerned she will try to make the day more about her. That is just her personality.  Her mother (my future mother-in-law), told me in person that they both expected me to ask her to be in the wedding. I was shocked. I had no idea this was expected of me.  Well, I have chosen NOT to ask her. Why? Because it's my wedding and I should be able to choose my attendants. They don't know I have made this decision yet. My fiance could not care less, and my family thinks I am right to choose my own bridesmaids. Do you think it's wrong of me not to include her? I don't want to create any sort of hard feelings, but it's ridiculous they would put that kind of pressure on me in the first place!
    Posted by vinnieandmegs[/QUOTE]

    She can stand up on your FI's side.
  • Ditto PPs. FI can have her on his side. She can even wear the same dress as the BMs if you want. That way she is in the wedding so FMIL should be appeased but you still have control over who is on your side.


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Vacation
  • Honestly I'd probably ask her to keep the peace. It's not worth the drama.
     
      Image and video hosting by TinyPic Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_future-sister-in-law-expects-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f424ca83-918e-4a47-adee-301447bd28c5Post:d3ba38f8-1540-4508-91c8-c88db124af1b">Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Choosing who is in your wedding party is completely in your control etiquette-wise. That said, is it a hill you're willing to die on?  <strong>Do you really want to begin married life with both women in your husband's family pissed at you because you didn't include her?  I'd suggest to your FI that he ask her to stand up on his side if you're completely unwilling to let her stand up on your side.</strong>  The days of gender specific attendants are long gone. 
    Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

    This.

    And I would also like to add, how do you even know her "personality" if you have only met her 2 times?  Seems to me that you haven't even given her a chance or put yourself out there enough to try and get to know her.

     

  • I have two incoming  sister-in-laws and I didn't either. One probably expected it but neither have said anything since we've mentioned whose in the wedding.

    That being said, I always expected my two brothers to be in the wedding and when my fiance' years before we got engaged said we would have a large bridal party if we did siblings and longtime friends it took me by suprise and then made sense. I'm so happy I went with only 3 bridesmaids (no sisters/in laws). In my opinion with 5 weeks to go till the big day it has really helped keep the wedding planning drama free!
    Anniversary
  • vinnieandmegsvinnieandmegs member
    10 Comments
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_future-sister-in-law-expects-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f424ca83-918e-4a47-adee-301447bd28c5Post:647129c4-0a93-4d2e-b289-d28524b23fbf">Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid : This. And I would also like to add, how do you even know her "personality" if you have only met her 2 times?  Seems to me that you haven't even given her a chance or put yourself out there enough to try and get to know her.
    Posted by OBX2011[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>There is some truth to that. We are strangers. However, I know we are very different women. I'm not going to sit here and say a bunch of negative things about her, but she is not someone I feel comfortable with at all. The concern I have is she will make the day more about herself or maybe even start hijacking the wedding. That's just who she is, I mean I know that much. My family thinks the same the thing. 

    </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • vinnieandmegsvinnieandmegs member
    10 Comments
    edited July 2012
    Thanks for the feedback, but I still feel they are both wrong to put me in that kind of position. It's my day, period. Why ask someone you can't hardly stand to be in your wedding party?

    And as for them being "pissed" at me for all eterniity? I say grow up. Weddings are about the bride, not about catering to everyone else's needs.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_future-sister-in-law-expects-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f424ca83-918e-4a47-adee-301447bd28c5Post:8add0d56-20d1-4b14-8b6e-3087ea578233">Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback, but I still feel they are both wrong to put me in that kind of position. <strong>It's my day, period</strong>. Why ask someone you can't hardly stand to be in your wedding party? And as for them being "pissed" at me for all eterniity? I say grow up.<strong> Weddings are about the bride, not about catering to everyone else's needs.</strong>
    Posted by vinnieandmegs[/QUOTE]

    Now I was with you on not having to ask someone to be in your WP that you don't want, but rather trying to find a compromise perhaps.

    But the bolded statements are going to get you in a world of trouble if that's how you think and project yourself to friends/family. For one, it's also your FI's day, so I'd get his input on this. Did you forget about him when saying the wedding is just for the bride? For two, it stops being all about YOU when you start inviting other people. So yes, you do need to make sure your guests are comfortable and taken care of. Now I don't think you have to concede and have your SIL on your side, but I do think you might need an attitude adjustment regarding your wedding overall.


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Vacation
  • edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_future-sister-in-law-expects-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f424ca83-918e-4a47-adee-301447bd28c5Post:8add0d56-20d1-4b14-8b6e-3087ea578233">Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback, but I still feel they are both wrong to put me in that kind of position. It's my day, period. Why ask someone you can't hardly stand to be in your wedding party? And as for them being "pissed" at me for all eterniity? I say grow up. Weddings are about the bride, not about catering to everyone else's needs.
    Posted by vinnieandmegs[/QUOTE]

    <div>They were wrong to ask and you are not wrong for feeling the way you do about it.  But it doesn't matter who is right and wrong in this situation. All that really matters is the relationship that you hope to have with these women who, like it or not, are going to be family to you very soon.  And <em>even if</em> the wedding really is "all about the bride" all the days after the wedding are about bringing two families together.  You'd be getting off to a crappy start if they are pissed at you.  Should they get over it? Yes.  Will they?  I don't know.  Why risk finding out?</div><div>
    </div>
  • Your FSIL won't be pissed at you forever if you don't pick her.  If FI feels so inclined, he can have her on his side, but I wouldn't do it, especially if you barely know her.  

    FI has two sisters and I didn't ask either of them to be bridesmaids...why would I?  They live out of state and I have only met them a few times (plus, his sisters are 14 and 17 year older than us).  We both wanted a smaller wedding party and adding his sisters would have added an additional two people that we really didn't want to have.

    As it turned out FMIL was the one that was most upset by it...NOT the sisters.
  • Yep, if she is very important to your FI, then he can have her on his side, and you have nothing to say about it. If, however, they are not close, then there is no reason for her to be in the WP -- your side or his side -- and he should try to work this out with his mom and sister.

    That said, if it's going to cause a schism, then you and FI need to decide whether you will placate them, or whether it's a hill you BOTH want to die on.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_future-sister-in-law-expects-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f424ca83-918e-4a47-adee-301447bd28c5Post:a7750cc2-799a-421b-85e8-66bf71123a4b">Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]How do you hijack a wedding?
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

    <div>This is what I'm wondering. My SIL is a drama llama for sure, but she was in my wedding and in no way tried to hijack it.</div><div>
    </div><div>Or, wait. Maybe she did, by being 6 months pregnant. Ha. But if anyone was looking at her more than at me, I didn't even notice because I was too busy enjoying my wedding day.</div>
    image
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    This post seems very familiar.  My response to that one was, let FI invite her to be one of his attendants.  Good luck!
  • My mom was trying to insist that my brother be a groomsman in our wedding.  I simply told her that my fiance was only having those closest to him and that we'd find another special role for my brother in the wedding. Maybe you could have your fiance talk to his Mom?
    255313_3528328290997_1532703995_n
    We say, "I do" on July 12, 2014.
    image
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Planning Bio
  • I was in the same exact position as you not too long ago.  The women in my fiance's family tend to be self centered and want to make everything about them.  However, I wanted my brother involved in my wedding, so I swallowed the bullet and I asked his sister to be a part of our wedding party on my side.  When it comes down to it, no matter what your fiance says, it is still his family.  A wedding is a day that is supposed to be about the bride and the groom, no doubt, but it is also a joining together of 2 families, and I personally didn't think it was necessary to cause hard feelings between his mom/sister and I just because I think his sister can be mean and self centered.  I have just laid down the law, it is our day and we are going to do as we please, exactly how we want to, and if she would like to be a part of it, then she is more than welcome, but she has to leave the drama at the door.  She is going to be family afterall.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_future-sister-in-law-expects-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f424ca83-918e-4a47-adee-301447bd28c5Post:8add0d56-20d1-4b14-8b6e-3087ea578233">Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback, but I still feel they are both wrong to put me in that kind of position. It's my day, period. Why ask someone you can't hardly stand to be in your wedding party? And as for them being "pissed" at me for all eterniity? I say grow up. Weddings are about the bride, not about catering to everyone else's needs.
    Posted by vinnieandmegs[/QUOTE]



    Actually...weddings are a whole lot about families coming together to support two people who chose to get married in the first place...then a lifetime of dealing with those families unless they live on the other side of the planet.  Not only about the bride.  You do marry into a family once your big day is over, keep that in mind. 
    BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker image
    My BFP Chart
    || Ovulation Calendar image #1 BFP May 24/2012 - EDD Jan 21/2013 - M/C May 31/2012 #2 BFP Feb 5/2013 - EDD Oct 16/2013
  • mrsR12mrsR12 member
    100 Comments
    similar situation here, FI only has 1 sibling, his sister.  so he mentioned to me that his mom expected us to ask her.  I dont know her that well, though we've been at family functions together and our styles/personalities are different too.  but to save the peace and to have a good start with our future, i asked her.  FI compromised and we had an extra set of ppl in the BP since I had my girls picked out.  
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • pkontkpkontk member
    500 Comments
    They were wrong to try to pressure you into asking her to be in your wedding, but you are wrong to say it is all about you, the bride.  You have a groom too, and as soon as you include your families in the wedding, the event also becomes about them.  I would hesitate to take this attitude in front of anyone because you could end up offending people.
  • Lisa50Lisa50 member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_future-sister-in-law-expects-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:f424ca83-918e-4a47-adee-301447bd28c5Post:18df9073-ace8-4aac-9462-c012287cbc73">Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom was trying to insist that my brother be a groomsman in our wedding.  I simply told her that my fiance was only having those closest to him and that we'd find another special role for my brother in the wedding. Maybe you could have your fiance talk to his Mom?
    Posted by MJheartsWeddings[/QUOTE]

    Why didn't you ask your brother to be one of <u>your</u> attendants??
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_future-sister-in-law-expects-to-be-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:f424ca83-918e-4a47-adee-301447bd28c5Post:01985f0d-9aa9-4029-94ca-05799c848512">Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Future sister-in-law expects to be a bridesmaid : Why didn't you ask your brother to be one of your attendants??
    Posted by Lisa50[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah, we have the strangest set of attendants ever, because we chose without regard to gender. My mom is like, "How are you going to do the escorting?" Um, does it matter? What matters is that we have the most important people to us there. We'll figure it out.</div>
    image
  • You are a stronger person then me! haha I asked my future SIL to be a brides maid we are friends but she is pregnant and expected that I have her 6 month old baby in the wedding. I said it was ok but truely the baby crying and being not by his mom the whole time freaks me out, I have finally come to a way of having the baby by his mom but at first I was taken a back that I would be told who was in my wedding and who wasn't by a girl I've known for less then a year. But good for you for standing your ground as long as it doesn't hurt you FI I don't think it matters. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker image
  • I orignally wanted our siblings to be in our wedding party. My long time best friend (over 26 years now) is my MOH and FI sister was going to be my bridesmaid. His best friend was going to be his best man and my brother (same age as SIL) was going to be his groomsman. 

    Then drama hit.

    SIL got mad at me because I told her off for being rude to us (long story) and pretty much cut us out of her life, her brother included. FI's Best Man got a new girlfriend and stopped talking to him. Luckily, he started hanging out with an old friend who just moved back to town. He asked him to be his best man and later on when I realized that his sister was not going to budge on her immaturity, I asked FI's best man's wife to be my bridesmaid! Best decisions we ever made!!

    They have 2 boys and 2 girls so we asked them to be our flower girls and ring bearers! I am so excited by all this!

    Then came FI's Step-sister! She asked us who was in the wedding. Innocent question. When I told her, she ran to FI's mother and complained because her children were not in the wedding!! We didn't meet this step-sister until FI's brother passed away not even 3 years ago! We have been together for almost 8! We have met them MAY BE 5-6 times ever! And, last I knew, they told FI's mom they were not even going to be able to come to the wedding so why even ask if they could be in it!

    Thank goodness, I don't have to worry about that. We have very limited contact with FI's family because they are all two faced and completely unrealiable.
  • I didn't ask my FSIL to be in the wedding while I like Her  but it is my bridal party   and I am  not close to her like that.I agree if its that important she can stand on your fi side
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards