Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

bridal shower etiquette questions

1. I have heard that it is customary for the groom to be to 'show up' toward the end of a bridal shower. is that correct? 

2. due to the holidays and my mother/motherinlaw's schedules, both showers will be done before the save the dates go out. I have already heard one comment that it's odd that they hadn't gotten an invite to the wedding. everyone who is invited to the shower will be invited to the local reception, but we are doing a destination wedding with limited people. what is the propper way to handle that situation?

Thanks!

Re: bridal shower etiquette questions

  • 1) I personally think that is really awkward. There's no need for the groom to be there. If you want a couple shower, go for it, but if it's all women, I'd personally stick with that. I recently went to a shower and the groom was there, but we didn't know it. He was a part of the whole thing and I felt bad that I only wrote the card to the bride. 

    2) How many is limited? AHR need special care gloves or else they can get really messy. The destination list should be limited and the at home reception shouldn't be seen as a second reception. I'm leaving this to someone else. 
  • If you are getting married in January as your bio states, your STD's should have already been out.  Those are usually about 6-9 months prior to the wedding.

    As far as your FI being at the shower, that is up to you guys.  My nephew came for the last part of his FI's shower because is was for the our side of the family and friends and he could personally thank everyone too.  If your FI doens't want to attend, don't make him.

    For DD's shower, SIL came at the end to help load everything up and head to kinkos so they could ship them to their home state.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    1. Leave it up to your fi whether or not he would like to stop by at the end of the shower. Sometimes the groom to be drops in to help load up the gifts to take home, but it's not a requirement.

    2.You shouldn't invite anyone to a shower who will not be invited to the wedding ceremony. So I think you have a problem, there. Guests who are invited your shower (s) are likely to be offended when they don't receive  invitations to the actual ceremony, even though your plan is to invite them to an AHR.
                       
  • 1) either way. If he wants to show up to help cart gifts home, cool.
    2) Only guests inviting to the DW should be invited to the shower.
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  • 1. He shouldn't be there at all if it's a girls only function or he should be there though the whole thing if it's a mixed gender party. Him comming in at the end is weird.

    2.You shouldn't invite anyone to a shower that isn't invited to the wedding.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The groom thing varies.  My H and some of the other husbands showed up at the end of my shower and it ended up turning into a party.  I've been to plenty of showers where the guy never showed up.  It's up to you and the schedule.

    Everyone invited to the shower should be invited to the DW.  If you are thinking of inviting people to the shower that aren't invited to the actual wedding, you're going to have big problems.  Having an AHR won't solve this, because you shouldn't be inviting people to the AHR that aren't invited to the wedding either.  That's how those things get the reputation for being gift grabs.  
  • Regarding your second question posted, yes, I would find it weird to get an invite to a shower when I haven't recieved ANY sort of invite to the wedding (desintation site or AHR). That is very, very odd.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_bridal-shower-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:ff2a611e-d030-465e-9f6d-524e101871f6Post:00ce47d6-4fee-4f37-9cc7-0e1248bb98bc">Re: bridal shower etiquette questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]The groom thing varies.  My H and some of the other husbands showed up at the end of my shower and it ended up turning into a party.  I've been to plenty of showers where the guy never showed up.  It's up to you and the schedule. Everyone invited to the shower should be invited to the DW.  If you are thinking of inviting people to the shower that aren't invited to the actual wedding, you're going to have big problems.  Having an AHR won't solve this, because you shouldn't be inviting people to the AHR that aren't invited to the wedding either.  That's how those things get the reputation for being gift grabs.  
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

    The point of an AHR is to celebrate your wedding with the people who couldn't fly out to the destination wedding. Most people aren't able to free up a couple thousand extra dollars to celebrate a wedding in an exotic location. The AHR allows those people to celebrate it locally with the bride and groom. It's kind of like a welcome back party for an elopement would be. All of your friends and family who would normally be invited to a wedding are there, they get food and drink, they dance, they have fun.

    As for whether or not they should be invited to the wedding shower, that's up to you. It might seem gift-grabby, though. Do either of the hosts have a problem with this? They might know more about how it would be viewed in your neck of the woods.
  • libby2483libby2483 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited October 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_bridal-shower-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:ff2a611e-d030-465e-9f6d-524e101871f6Post:b11c1889-f437-4a34-b6b9-c1bc5d4788f4">Re: bridal shower etiquette questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]Regarding your second question posted, yes, I would find it weird to get an invite to a shower when I haven't recieved ANY sort of invite to the wedding (desintation site or AHR). That is very, very odd.
    Posted by Kristin4911[/QUOTE]

    <div>I disagree with this. Let's say that someone chooses not to send out save the dates, and they send out wedding invitations 1 1/2 to 2 months in advance, which is a typical time frame.  If they had their shower 2 months before the wedding, shower invitations would probably be send out about 1 month prior to the shower (and 3 months prior to the wedding), before any wedding invitation was sent out.  I've been invited to quite a few showers that I had not yet received a wedding invitation for.</div>
  • Couple shower is something new I’m hearing here. I haven’t been to any shower where groom’s present.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_bridal-shower-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:ff2a611e-d030-465e-9f6d-524e101871f6Post:59b89109-3261-4a2d-b554-f4363dc04a77">Re: bridal shower etiquette questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridal shower etiquette questions : The point of an AHR is to celebrate your wedding with the people who couldn't fly out to the destination wedding. Most people aren't able to free up a couple thousand extra dollars to celebrate a wedding in an exotic location. The AHR allows those people to celebrate it locally with the bride and groom. It's kind of like a welcome back party for an elopement would be. All of your friends and family who would normally be invited to a wedding are there, they get food and drink, they dance, they have fun. As for whether or not they should be invited to the wedding shower, that's up to you. It might seem gift-grabby, though. Do either of the hosts have a problem with this? They might know more about how it would be viewed in your neck of the woods.
    Posted by DocileDoom[/QUOTE]

    Yes, the point being COULDN'T fly out. Not "were not even invited to fly there in the first place."
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_bridal-shower-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:ff2a611e-d030-465e-9f6d-524e101871f6Post:59b89109-3261-4a2d-b554-f4363dc04a77">Re: bridal shower etiquette questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridal shower etiquette questions : The point of an AHR is to celebrate your wedding with the people who couldn't fly out to the destination wedding. Most people aren't able to free up a couple thousand extra dollars to celebrate a wedding in an exotic location. The AHR allows those people to celebrate it locally with the bride and groom. It's kind of like a welcome back party for an elopement would be. All of your friends and family who would normally be invited to a wedding are there, they get food and drink, they dance, they have fun. As for whether or not they should be invited to the wedding shower, that's up to you. It might seem gift-grabby, though. Do either of the hosts have a problem with this? They might know more about how it would be viewed in your neck of the woods.
    Posted by DocileDoom[/QUOTE]

    <div>Exactly.  It's for people that couldn't make the trip.  It's not for people who weren't invited to make the trip.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Everyone invited to the AHR should be invited to the DW as well.  They don't have to RSVP yes to the wedding to get a shower invite.  </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_bridal-shower-etiquette-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:ff2a611e-d030-465e-9f6d-524e101871f6Post:9e41d1bf-f460-4f3b-9282-00e6608be1e0">Re: bridal shower etiquette questions</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: bridal shower etiquette questions : I disagree with this. Let's say that someone chooses not to send out save the dates, and they send out wedding invitations 1 1/2 to 2 months in advance, which is a typical time frame.  If they had their shower 2 months before the wedding, shower invitations would probably be send out about 1 month prior to the shower (and 3 months prior to the wedding), before any wedding invitation was sent out.  I've been invited to quite a few showers that I had not yet received a wedding invitation for.
    Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]


    Exactly.  It's not "very very odd" to get a shower invite before a wedding invite, it's totally normal.  My wedding is January 25.  My shower is December 9.  Our invites are probably going out the same week of my shower, so obviously she shower invites will have gone out probably a month before that.  I've been to lots of showers where I hadn't gotten the wedding invite yet.  

    But anyway, as far as the groom showing up, it's your choice.  I have seen it a lot recently that the groom/father to be (for baby showers) come at the end to say hello, load gifts, etc. 
  • My thought that since you are doing a destination wedding/ceremony but still plan on having a a reception at home, then its fine to do that as long as the people invited to the bridal shower will be invited to your reception at home.  I know many people will say since they are not invited to the ceremony they can't be at the shower, but I personally would not be offended since the ceremony is a destination. Actually went to a friends reception who herself had their ceremony in Hawaii with just her/finace, parents and siblings (MOH/BM)... they then had a reception a month later at home. I was happy to be a part of the celebration and didn't mind that I did not see them exchange their official vows.  It's whatever you/finace are comfortable with in my opinion.   
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I did once attend a bridal shower where the groom attended, but I think this is unusual and not "customary."  I have heard of couple showers, but they don't seem common to me.

    I wouldn't invite anyone to the shower who isn't at least invited to the at home reception...and probably not also to the destination wedding as well.
  • its ok if your fi shows up at the very end...most showers i have attended the groom usually the bride into the shower then leaves ...do what u want ...it doesnt matter

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