MOH makes me want to hit her.

rachelf04

So my MOH has been, for lack of better term, taking over my wedding.  She got married 6 years ago in a very quick court house ceremony and has regretted it.  She is now using my wedding as her way to plan the one she never got.  To make things worse, my mom is on her side with this stuff.  For example, we are now on our 5th reception location because the first 4 had fallen through, one of which was my parents back yard.  I got a call from the site yesterday asking about details for numbers, food etc.  When I gave them the high est. of guests they said that was 10 over the allowed amount for the room.  I didn't worry about it because I have been shooting high to make sure we have enough.  Later in the evening I was with my mom and MOH telling them the story, before I had a chance to tell them I wasn't worried about it etc, they had already opened the excel sheet of guest list and started cutting guests.  Let me repeat that, my mother and MOH started cutting guests to MY wedding.  Now I have already cut the number down to where it is family and very close friends.  The only friends I have coming to the wedding are the ones in my party.  I asked what they were doing and they started in on me about how did I let my guest list get so big and how THEY would have to cut it down for me. 
Now this has happened after almost a year of planning and being told by both of them my ideas aren't right and here is what is actually going to happen.  My MOH didn't like the colors I picked and has thrown a fit about not getting to wear her favorite colors so I have set up a special flower bouqet for her that doesnt match the rest of the wedding.  I have been ok with this stuff because I don't feel like freaking out about it.
The final straw was when I found out that in the planning for my bridal shower and bach. party there would be themes.....my bridal shower was a mixture of Breakfast at Tiffany's and Alice in Wonderland.  Um What?!  I love breakfast at Tiffany's but the Alice in Wonderland thing?  And why does the shower need a theme?  Isn't the theme, Rachel's getting married?  oh and the Bach party, well I am not a huge fan of the "typical" ones I wanted a nice quiet girls night, it is now also a theme party, won't tell me what it is, and apparently involves a lot of fallic shaped objects. 

I know this is super long I just needed to vent, and I realize that this doesn't go into everything that has been going on and why I am mad.  Long story short, my mom and MOH are planning their dream weddings and telling me I am overreacting because I want things "my" way.  Any advice would be appreciated

tidetravel

#1 - while your mom/MOH shouldn't have started cutting guests off your list, they are right that you should NEVER invite more guests than you are capable of hosting.  Always plan 100% attendance.

#2 - Your MOH gets to throw whateverthehellgodddamned party she wants.  Showers and B-parties are GIFTS to you that you and you should have no say in what gets planned.  Be grateful that you have a friend that is going to such great lengths for you.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-want-hit-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:008eb029-3a92-44aa-80be-3d8c1af7d341Post:ce7bf237-102b-4385-ad22-24e1ba1b864d">MOH makes me want to hit her.</a>:
[QUOTE]So my MOH has been, for lack of better term, taking over my wedding.  She got married 6 years ago in a very quick court house ceremony and has regretted it.  She is now using my wedding as her way to plan the one she never got.  To make things worse, my mom is on her side with this stuff.  For example, we are now on our 5th reception location because the first 4 had fallen through, one of which was my parents back yard.  I got a call from the site yesterday asking about details for numbers, food etc.  When I gave them the high est. of guests they said that was 10 over the allowed amount for the room.  I didn't worry about it because I have been shooting high to make sure we have enough.  Later in the evening I was with my mom and MOH telling them the story, before I had a chance to tell them I wasn't worried about it etc, they had already opened the excel sheet of guest list and started cutting guests.  Let me repeat that, my mother and MOH started cutting guests to MY wedding.  Now I have already cut the number down to where it is family and very close friends.  The only friends I have coming to the wedding are the ones in my party.  I asked what they were doing and they started in on me about how did I let my guest list get so big and how THEY would have to cut it down for me.  Now this has happened after almost a year of planning and being told by both of them my ideas aren't right and here is what is actually going to happen.  My MOH didn't like the colors I picked and has thrown a fit about not getting to wear her favorite colors so I have set up a special flower bouqet for her that doesnt match the rest of the wedding.  I have been ok with this stuff because I don't feel like freaking out about it. The final straw was when I found out that in the planning for my bridal shower and bach. party there would be themes.....my bridal shower was a mixture of Breakfast at Tiffany's and Alice in Wonderland.  Um What?!  I love breakfast at Tiffany's but the Alice in Wonderland thing?  And why does the shower need a theme?  Isn't the theme, Rachel's getting married?  oh and the Bach party, well I am not a huge fan of the "typical" ones I wanted a nice quiet girls night, it is now also a theme party, won't tell me what it is, and apparently involves a lot of fallic shaped objects.  I know this is super long I just needed to vent, and I realize that this doesn't go into everything that has been going on and why I am mad.  Long story short, my mom and MOH are planning their dream weddings and telling me I am overreacting because I want things "my" way.  Any advice would be appreciated
Posted by rachelf04[/QUOTE]

saxy414

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-want-hit-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:008eb029-3a92-44aa-80be-3d8c1af7d341Post:d195b3f0-fff8-4179-b07a-913b562cd2be">Re: MOH makes me want to hit her.</a>:
[QUOTE]#1 - while your mom/MOH shouldn't have started cutting guests off your list, they are right that you should NEVER invite more guests than you are capable of hosting.  Always plan 100% attendance. #2 - Your MOH gets to throw whateverthehellgodddamned party she wants.  Showers and B-parties are GIFTS to you that you and you should have no say in what gets planned.  Be grateful that you have a friend that is going to such great lengths for you.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

All of this. Plus, if your mom is paying, she gets a say in the planning.  Otherwise, if you don't want their opinions, don't talk about the wedding to them.  If they bring it up, say something vague about how it's going and change the subject.

duckie1905

If she is paying for the shower she gets to pick the theme.  Stop being a brat and accept the GIFT graciously and with some class.

If you don't want her to be involved in the planning stop letting her in.  You are the only one that can control her involvement (well, and apparently your mom).  Stop telling her things if you don't want her help and input.

If your mom is paying she has the right to make decisions and use your MOH to help, if she chooses.  The only way to completely be in control is to pony up the money yourself.

Your mom and MOH were right; you NEVER invite more than a venue can physically hold, even if you are "aiming high."

rachelf04

I probably should have mentioned that my fiance and I are paying for everything and we wanted to have a very small ceremony and reception.  We have been told my my mom and MOH that we can't do that and my mom has verbally invited people that I wasn't going to and that is what set the guest list over the limit and when they were cutting people it was members of my fiance's family.  As for the parties, I am very greatful for them being thrown and for what she is doing for me, it just worries me that she is making it very raunchy and I am extremely uncomfortable with those things ( sex toy party esc).  I am not trying to be bratty about it, and I totally understand that it is coming across as I am.  I am just frustrated that NONE of my thoughts are being taken into consideration with this stuff.  I am just trying to figure out a way to sit down and talk to them about my concerns that doesn't end in them screaming at me.

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]I probably should have mentioned that my fiance and I are paying for everything and we wanted to have a very small ceremony and reception.  We have been told my my mom and MOH that we can't do that and my mom has verbally invited people that I wasn't going to and that is what set the guest list over the limit and when they were cutting people it was members of my fiance's family.  As for the parties, I am very greatful for them being thrown and for what she is doing for me, it just worries me that she is making it very raunchy and I am extremely uncomfortable with those things ( sex toy party esc).  I am not trying to be bratty about it, and I totally understand that it is coming across as I am.  I am just frustrated that NONE of my thoughts are being taken into consideration with this stuff.  I am just trying to figure out a way to sit down and talk to them about my concerns that doesn't end in them screaming at me.
Posted by rachelf04[/QUOTE]
Since you're paying, stop talking wedding with them and do not let them know where things like your guest list excel sheet are located.  Give your mom a set number of guests she is permitted to invite and let her know that it's up to her to make amends with anyone who was verbally invited without your permission.

You have no control over the parties, but you are free to turn down any parties that you do not wish to attend.

trix1223

To solve issue #1:

Step #1:  Grow a backbone.

Step #2:  Use it.


For the shower/b-party:  ditto pp who said graciously accept the fact that you're being GIVEN parties.  Many brides don't get them at all. 

duckie1905

Ditto.  Since you are paying stop talking about it.  YOU are the one that is giving them control by including them.  Stop giving them information.

As for the parties, I don't understand how Alice in Wonderland=sex toy party but you are free to decline anything you don't wish to participate in.

banana468

Since you're paying for the wedding, don't talk about it to others.  Say, "This is what the plan will be.  Period."  And don't let them make your decisions.  Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  Think about it.


As for the bachelorette and showers, themes you need to roll with.  If you've explicitely stated that some kinds of parties just make you uncomfortable, tell her that you're wondering why she's doing something like this after you already told her what you absolutely hate.   A good friend keeps in mind the desires of the guest of honor.

xoxob

Wow.

I'm just going to put this out there: have they always been this bossy and have you always caved?

Then why are you getting angry at par for the course?

You need to suck it up and stand up for your wedding since you're paying. Then, you need to THANK them for planning any kind of party for you.

jwinhold

My mom started verbally inviting people as well. Then I said to her "Just an FYI, they are not invited so either you stop inviting people by mouth now or you have to call each and every person and explain to them that you have to de-invite them because of your mistake." She stopped.

When it comes to a wedding, especially one that you are paying for, you need to put your foot down.

NatandIsaac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-want-hit-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:008eb029-3a92-44aa-80be-3d8c1af7d341Post:d195b3f0-fff8-4179-b07a-913b562cd2be">Re: MOH makes me want to hit her.</a>:
[QUOTE] #2 - Your MOH gets to throw whateverthehellgodddamned party she wants.  Showers and B-parties are GIFTS to you that you and you should have no say in what gets planned.  Be grateful that you have a friend that is going to such great lengths for you.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

<div>This is true. But if you are REALLY worried about naughty stuff at the B-Party (because you're shy or your mom is coming or whatever), then just talk to your MOH about in a polite, mature way. Let her know your concerns, but also how thankful you are that she wants to plan a B-Party for you.</div>

shoegal715

As Dr. Phil says: you train people how to treat you and react around you.

Start exerting more assertiveness and confidence, and perhaps they will both back off a little.

emilyinchile

DO. NOT. TALK. ABOUT. YOUR. WEDDING. WITH. THESE. PEOPLE.

Seriously, stop. Next time they ask, just say that you've decided to keep some things a surprise and change the topic. If they don't know details, they can't change them, and I see NO reason why they should have access to a document with your guest list. As PPs have said, they're in the wrong, but you need to stop enabling this behavior - it can't happen if you don't give them the information for it to happen.

I also like Jwinhold's suggestion of what to say to your mom about her verbal invites.

emilyinchile

Also, the subject cracked me up. Thank you for not making it yet another "MOH dilemma!!!1!!11!" Now, take the side of you with a backbone who wants to hit her MOH, and have that person fix the problem you've gotten yourself into.