What to Do With a Difficult Friend

muenginerd

I've gotten engaged recently and had a friend who just automatically assumed she was MOH.  Jumped right into wedding mode full steam ahead.  In the past when we talked about a hypothetical wedding I had said I would probably have her and my MOH split duties. 

I asked her last night to be my bridesmaid (I know it's far out but I didn't want her to continue thinking she's MOH).  Well I can tell she was hurt and I accidentally saw text going back in forth between her and her mom that were kind of hurtful (didn't want to see them, I was looking something up on her iPad and it popped up on the screen as an imessage.)

The thing is, things between us have changed in the last 6 months.  When FI moved in, she moved out of my house.  In the month transition she said some very hurtful things, attacked me directly about our financial stability which was completely unfounded, attacked FI to all our friends behind his back, and the list goes on.  Just as of the new year she's trying to rebuild relationships.  This is great, but how she has treated my FI, who was a close friend of hers for years, and how she has disrespected our relationship in the past, I don't feel like she should stand as MOH anymore.  I still value a realtionship we have had and want her as a bridesmaid.

Now she's taken to ignoring me, and I'm kinda over it.  I figured I would let it go and we can talk about other things non-wedding related.  We are still a year+ out.  I figured if she wants to be involved when it comes time to planning I would love to have her as a bridesmaid.  If she's still going to be hurt about not being MOH then we can talk if she wants a roll in the wedding.  This is about FI and I, not about her position. 

I guess I am wondering if I am wrong to not ask her to be MOH if we hypothetically talked about it over a year ago and our relationship has changed since then...

Jen4948

I'm very sorry this happened.

This kind of thing is why we advise brides not to choose their attendants too early (6 months before the wedding is about the right time), because this is exactly what can happen-you have some kind of falling-out before for the wedding, and you can't drop someone from your wedding party without risking your friendship with them.

It does sound like she doesn't want to be friends with you any more.  But I don't think you're wrong to not ask her to be MOH under the circumstances.

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-with-a-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:019e489e-f1e9-4b95-b317-d51c95ff26cePost:eaa38129-4578-4ebd-b628-fb6db085d9f0">What to Do With a Difficult Friend</a>:
[QUOTE]I've gotten engaged recently and had a friend who just automatically assumed she was MOH.  Jumped right into<strong> wedding mode full steam ahead.  In the past when we talked about a hypothetical wedding I had said I would probably have her and my MOH split duties. </strong> I asked her last night to be my bridesmaid (I know it's far out but I didn't want her to continue thinking she's MOH).  Well I can tell she was hurt and I accidentally saw text going back in forth between her and her mom that were kind of hurtful (didn't want to see them, I was looking something up on her iPad and it popped up on the screen as an imessage.) The thing is, things between us have changed in the last 6 months.  When FI moved in, she moved out of my house.  In the month transition she said some very hurtful things, attacked me directly about our financial stability which was completely unfounded, attacked FI to all our friends behind his back, and the list goes on.  Just as of the new year she's trying to rebuild relationships.  This is great, but how she has treated my FI, who was a close friend of hers for years, and how she has disrespected our relationship in the past, I don't feel like she should stand as MOH anymore.  I still value a realtionship we have had and want her as a bridesmaid. Now she's taken to ignoring me, and I'm kinda over it.  I figured I would let it go and we can talk about other things non-wedding related.  We are still a year+ out. <strong> I figured if she wants to be involved when it comes time to planning I would love to have her as a bridesmaid. </strong> If she's still going to be hurt about not being MOH then we can talk if she wants a roll in the wedding.  This is about FI and I, not about her position.  I guess I am wondering if I am wrong to not ask her to be MOH if we hypothetically talked about it over a year ago and our relationship has changed since then...
Posted by muenginerd[/QUOTE]

<div>Bridesmaids do not have to do anything except buy a dress and wear it. You should not be choosing your bridal party based on who will help you the most during the planning process. Your bridal party should be the people who are closest to you, regardless of their craftyness and interest in your party. </div><div>
</div><div>If your maid of honor, bridesmaid or anyone else wants to throw a shower or help plan, that's great but it is not a requirement. If you need help planning, talk to the guy you're marrying or hire a event planner. </div><div>
</div><div>Take the helping part out of this - do you want this girl standing with you as you get married? This should be the only question you ask yourself. </div>

fionahalliwell

If I understand correctly, it sounds like OP asked her friend to be a bridesmaid to get her to STOP thinking she was MOH? Maybe...

OP, sorry this happened. I rarely post (lurk often!), but I felt this deserved a posting. It sucks when friends change, but it happens. 

embreen

your not wrong for not having her as MOH, if you are not comfortable with her being MOH thats your decision and maybe if you just explain to her a little bit whats going through your head and why you want her involved but are not comfortable with her as MOH im sure she will understand. she may be a little hurt but ultimately will probably continue to be in the wedding

jemmini6

It sucks that she assumed she'd be MOH, that's not a comfortable thing for either of you.  Typically we advise that people should wait until no more than 6 months out to ask their BP because of things like this (drifting apart, etc).

My advice is to stop discussing anything for your wedding at this point, as it's really not necessary this far out, especially regarding your WP.  Just focus on the normal course of your friendship (and improving it) and you can readdress anything wedding related in a few months.

libby2483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-with-a-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:019e489e-f1e9-4b95-b317-d51c95ff26cePost:eaa38129-4578-4ebd-b628-fb6db085d9f0">What to Do With a Difficult Friend</a>:
[QUOTE]I've gotten engaged recently and had a friend who just automatically assumed she was MOH.  Jumped right into wedding mode full steam ahead.  In the past when we talked about a hypothetical wedding I had said I would probably have her and my MOH split duties.  I asked her last night to be my bridesmaid (I know it's far out but I didn't want her to continue thinking she's MOH).  Well I can tell she was hurt and I accidentally saw text going back in forth between her and her mom that were kind of hurtful (didn't want to see them, I was looking something up on her iPad and it popped up on the screen as an imessage.) The thing is, things between us have changed in the last 6 months.  When FI moved in, she moved out of my house.  In the month transition she said some very hurtful things, attacked me directly about our financial stability which was completely unfounded, attacked FI to all our friends behind his back, and the list goes on.  Just as of the new year she's trying to rebuild relationships.  This is great, but how she has treated my FI, who was a close friend of hers for years, and how she has disrespected our relationship in the past, I don't feel like she should stand as MOH anymore.  I still value a realtionship we have had and want her as a bridesmaid. Now she's taken to ignoring me, and I'm kinda over it.  I figured I would let it go and we can talk about other things non-wedding related.  We are still a year+ out.  I figured if she wants to be involved when it comes time to planning I would love to have her as a bridesmaid.  If she's still going to be hurt about not being MOH then we can talk if she wants a roll in the wedding.  This is about FI and I, not about her position.  I guess I am wondering if I am wrong to not ask her to be MOH if we hypothetically talked about it over a year ago and our relationship has changed since then...
Posted by muenginerd[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If I am understanding the timeline correctly, you just asked her to be a BM yesterday.  But over the past months, she attacked your FI behind his back and was hurtful to you as well? Why would you even want this person to be a BM? I get that it sucks when friends change, but it sounds as though your relationship has been strained for several months now.  I am just very confused why you would ask her to be a BM after she treated you and your FI so horribly.  </div><div>
</div><div>

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muenginerd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-with-a-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:019e489e-f1e9-4b95-b317-d51c95ff26cePost:bff0b849-d8d8-4d84-8108-f2778c124d5c">Re: What to Do With a Difficult Friend</a>:
[QUOTE]Why would you even want this person to be a BM? I get that it sucks when friends change, but it sounds as though your relationship has been strained for several months now.  I am just very confused why you would ask her to be a BM after she treated you and your FI so horribly.  
Posted by libby2483[/QUOTE]

The fallout that happened over the last 6 months was pretty much all caused by an awful ex-bf.  Her ex was not nice, and turned her against all her friends.  Thankfully, he is out of the picture now and we're working to patch up friendships.  There's been a very long friendship and we can kind of see past someone who blinded her and lied to her.  I can forgive over time, and she's just started taking responibility for somethings that happened.  She's working her issues out and getting professional help so now we're just kind of taking things one day at a time.

muenginerd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_what-to-do-with-a-difficult-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:019e489e-f1e9-4b95-b317-d51c95ff26cePost:5eae0202-13ee-4ea7-906f-e5f9727a8c42">Re: What to Do With a Difficult Friend</a>:
[QUOTE]It sucks that she assumed she'd be MOH, that's not a comfortable thing for either of you.  Typically we advise that people should wait until no more than 6 months out to ask their BP because of things like this (drifting apart, etc). My advice is to stop discussing anything for your wedding at this point, as it's really not necessary this far out, especially regarding your WP.  Just focus on the normal course of your friendship (and improving it) and you can readdress anything wedding related in a few months.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

I think this is one of the best things and what I'm going to try to do.  Focus on the friendship and repairing things rather than wedding activites. 

We didn't want to ask wedding party right away.  She was at the proposal, and just kind of ran full steam from there.  I had to say something to clear things up.  We're not asking others until much closer to the date.