help! choosing bridesmaids without offending other close friends

happy*IN*love

heyy knotties! 

i recently had a bridesmaid drop out due to financial reasons and would like to ask one of my close friends to take her place.  the only problem is that me and 5 other friends have been pretty close for the past year and a half.  how can i pick just one of them without offending the others? 

SarahPLiz

Fisrt of all, you don't have to replace her. I think that if she is still a good friend, it would be an insult to her that she is replaceable. It may also be an insult to the replacement BM.


Uneven sides are ok. Even if she can't handle the dress, travel, etc, you could still list her in the program as a BM and she jsut won't be up there with you.


My best advice, a win win for all involved, is to not choose a replacement. FWIW, I have been a replacement.

MyNameIsNot

Don't replace her.  If the other people were important enough to be BMs, you would have asked them in the beginning.

megk8oz

Replacement BM=Bad Idea.

banana468

Please don't do a replacement BM.

If you want to ask someone else sure, you can do it.  But don't even mention the replacement factor. 

aerinpegadrak

Don't replace her.  You can still list her as an honorary bridesmaid in the program. 

stina93446

Please for the love of God....DO NOT replace her. It doesn't matter why she left, you shouldn't do it. It will be a huge insult to the "replacement" and the original girl may feel saddened that she was so easily replaced.

happy*IN*love

thank you all for your advice! after reading it i can definately see what you mean...i didn't really think of it that way.  i picked the wedding party awhile ago, before i developed a really close relationship with this group of friends.  i was actually considering asking one or two of them to be a bridesmaid anyway, before the other one dropped out.  but to avoid the whole situation i'll probably just leave it as it and not add anymore into the wedding party.   

aerinpegadrak

Good call.  If there are still available roles in your ceremony (usher, reader, candle lighter, etc.), you can give those to these friends.  Or you could go ahead and invite them to the rehearsal dinner even if they don't have an official role, just as a way of letting them know that they're important to you.

CTGirl30

Good call on not replacing. I'm sure your friend probably feels badly about having to drop out due to financial reasons and this way it won't potentially send the message that she was "replaced" and run the risk of hurting her feelings.

jenn.daniel

Will she still be able to attend the wedding? Definitely talk to her about another role.  Or maybe she'd still like to get ready with you the day of.

zeptattoo

Unless someone volunteers to be the replacement, don't do it.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-bridesmaids-offending-other-close-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0292c4c4-4749-4160-9f46-b510bddeeae0Post:011a823f-2b52-43e5-8152-d2b8c5fb912e">Re: help! choosing bridesmaids without offending other close friends</a>:
[QUOTE]Unless someone volunteers to be the replacement, don't do it.
Posted by zeptattoo[/QUOTE]

Umm, people should not volunteer to be in your wedding - that would be horribly rude of them!

JNL$LSM

I have never heard of you cannot replace a bridesmaid, I replaced hmmm four of them. I did not want the sides uneven, to me it looks tacky sorry. Things happen and sometimes people have to be replaced. The day before my wedding I had to replace a bridesmaid. I also replaced my flower girl twice, my runner, and ring bearer (he was also replaced the day of the wedding). It is your day do whatever makes you happy! Your wedding day is the only day you have be a little selfish!

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-bridesmaids-offending-other-close-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0292c4c4-4749-4160-9f46-b510bddeeae0Post:0f488c10-95ee-46c9-8eeb-4a8677960f43">Re: help! choosing bridesmaids without offending other close friends</a>:
[QUOTE]I have never heard of you cannot replace a bridesmaid, I replaced hmmm four of them. I did not want the sides uneven, to me it looks tacky sorry. Things happen and sometimes people have to be replaced. The day before my wedding I had to replace a bridesmaid. I also replaced my flower girl twice, my runner, and ring bearer (he was also replaced the day of the wedding). It is your day do whatever makes you happy! Your wedding day is the only day you have be a little selfish!
Posted by JNL$LSM[/QUOTE]

I'm not even going to bite at this one because this is just TOO fake and over-the-top.

SarahPLiz

mbcdefg, I have a hard time believing anyone with a "$" in their screen name is NOT shallow. I think she tends to see the wedding party more as actors in a play than actual people showing public support for your union.

lacyellen

I just had a bridesmaid my considerd best friend move her wedding day the same week as mine.  She just aked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding 2 weeks ago and then called to say she had to dropout due to "financial reasons" and her dad is paying for the whole wedding?  I just cut the drama and the friendship because if a friend does that shes not a friend. And I do have replacements in case any one backs out like a coward period the end.

SarahPLiz

lacyellen,
If you cut off the whole friendship because of a wedding issue, then that friendship does not mean anything to you in the first place. The OP said that her friend dropped out for financial reasons but indicated that she would like to still be friends with her. I don't know how you treat your friends, but my friends are irreplacable.

And backing out because of financial reasons is not being a coward. Its being smart with your finances. Being a coward would be to go through the whole process and get yourself in debt just to keep up appearances because you are afraid the bride will no longer be your friend if you can't afford to be in her wedding.

I admit that your friend sounds like she didn't really want to be in your wedding, but do you know the reasons why she moved her date? Do you even care? It sounds like you are ready to throw a friendship away over one day, which means that the friendship was not important to you anyway.

mbcdefg

If you're going to post MUD, at least wait until you have more than one post to make it believable.

ajakubec

I dont think the replacing idea is necessarily bad, one of my girls is having some personal issues, and before I order my dresses I am going to sit down with everyone and make sure they all are for sure ready to commit to being in the wedding. I realize they technically have already commited by saying yes to be in the wedding party, however, the last thing I want is my wedding to be a burden on someone going through a hard time. I think the replacement situation is okay if the circumstances call for it. Its not okay to just kick someone out with no reason though...

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-bridesmaids-offending-other-close-friends?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0292c4c4-4749-4160-9f46-b510bddeeae0Post:1bb5c098-b9fd-4777-87d7-53b1c60fc95c">Re: help! choosing bridesmaids without offending other close friends</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the replacement situation is okay if the circumstances call for it.
Posted by ajakubec[/QUOTE]

Such as ...?

kaynix21

OP: Is your friend still attending? If she is, and she was dropping for financial reasons being the dress, what about getting the dress for her?
If it's the whole travel, plane flight, hotel sort of thing, that's different...

But if you guys are close and it's just the dress, maybe you can talk to her about it and that can be your WP gift to her.

Maybe it's unfair if the other girls have to buy their dresses...but if you really want this girl in the wedding, and the issue is affording a dress, maybe it's worth it...?

rlwynn

I had a bridesmaid back out of the wedding over an email message, with no real explanation. I have replaced her in the bridal party & have asked her to play a different roll in the wedding-just to have everyone involved.

emh777

If you all really are close - do you have it in you budget to help her out or can you and the other BMs chip in and help her make it possible.  If she was special enough to be ask to be a BM in the first place, maybe there is a way to help her out.  

MyNameIsNot

OMG, I hope this post is packed full of MUD.

I don't think I can handle it if there really are so many people in this world that would treat their closest friends like dirt just to have even sides.  No f'ing way.

cellarius

i see nothing at all wrong with replacing someone. & i totally agree with whoever said it doesn't look as good uneven. it's just the word replacing that makes it sound ''bad''. they're not being replaced as your friend. it's an event. i want to limit my maids to my 2 sisters & his 2 sisters. but i'm also not sure what to do cause he either has 3 groomsmen or 5 'cause the other 2 are brothers & he can't only pick 1. i can't take any sisters out, & i don't have 2 more to put in. i'm considering his cousin over my friends because i have too many & can't choose & don't want to hurt feelings. i also have 2 possible ''bridesmen'' lol i'm thinking of maybe doing my 5 maids & adding my 2 guys to his side of 3. do you have any really good male friends?

is it travel costs keeping her from being in it? i don't know your $ situation, airfare could be too exp but i would at least offer to pay for the dress & everything else if she could get herself there. that could really help with her finance issues, maybe then she could participate?

banana468

Cellarius, the issue is that when you replace a BM you:

1) Make it appear to the friend who left that she IS replaceable in that role in your life.  It's a bit of a slap in the face to the friend who already had to drop out due to unforeseen circumstances.

2) It's a backhanded compliment to the friend who was asked to be the replacement.  Oh, she's OK as a replacement but not as first tier?

The role of BM isn't just about the one day.  You are having these women up there with you based on how they affect your life.   The actions you make when planning your wedding and on your wedding day can have lasting repercussions.