Bridesmaids flaking out?

siple1am

I was just informed that two of my bridesmaids are backing out of the wedding...I asking them to be in my wedding a few months ago, told them the dress cost ($150) and they ALL agreed...Well now, they say that its too much to pay for, and are backing out...I am getting married this July mind you!! So Should I ask other close friends, or should I just stick with the two that I have and hope that it doesn't look odd when I only have two girls to his four guys?  Help me!

trix1223

They were nice enough to give you 5 months notice.  That's not being flaky.

They have given you a very valid reason.  A couple of months ago, my DD probably would have agreed to be a BM.  In the last 3 weeks, medical issues have sapped she and her DH.  She'd now have to withdraw.  $150 might not be a lot to you, but it would be the difference between paying rent or not now.

Don't replace them.  How does that conversation go anyway?  "You weren't good enough to be a first round draft choice for my WP, but now two of my REALLY good friends have dropped out.  I don't want the pictures to be asymetrical, so will you put on the dress and smile for the pictures?"

And the conversation with the two friends who have withdrawn?  How does that one go?  "I replaced you because you couldn't pony up the cash, but these girls can.

This is just a bad idea all around.

emilyinchile

They're not flaking, they're letting you know they're not able to meet one of the two requirements of being a BM (the other is showing up on the wedding day). That leaves you with two options:

1. Change the requirement. Find a lower-priced dress they can wear or let them choose their own dresses. You don't have to do this, it's fine to want the dress you want, but then you have to...

2. Accept that your friends won't be up there with you. Do not replace them for the reasons PPs have mentioned. Uneven is fine.

duckie1905

Giving you a ton of notice that they can't afford the dress you picked is not flaking out.  If anything, they are being polite by informing you as soon as possible.

Did you ask them their budget before you picked the dress?  Either way it doesn't really matter.  If they can't afford it then they can't.  You can accept their decisions and not replace them, let them wear a black dress they already own, or help them pay for the dress.

mbcdefg

If you told them that the dress would be $150, rather than asking each of them what they could afford ... then, that's your fault and you owe them an apology.

Also, don't forget that the expenses don't stop at the dress. They will need alterations; possibly new shoes* and undergarments/hoisery; they may be paying to get their hair, nails and makeup done*; they may be throwing you a shower and/or bachelorette party, which means that they may be paying for the food/location/decorations plus maybe a gift for you; they might give you a wedding gift; if they're not from the area then they are going to need to pay for a hotel room* for at least one night (more if there's a rehearsal and a day-after brunch or something), a plane/train ticket, a rental car or gas/tolls if they're driving in, plus maybe they need to pay a sitter or a pet sitter back home while they attend your wedding.

So, yeah, it may not JUST be $150 that's the problem here. In no other instance in life would it be acceptable to say to a friend, "You have to pay $xxx to participate in this event with me/buy this item to accommodate my wishes," so it should not be acceptable for your wedding, either. Call them, apologize for dictating the cost, and ask if there's any way you can help. And talk to the other BMs as well, because if two have spoken up about the price then there's a very good chance that the other two may feel the same way.

And if they still do not want to participate, then don't replace them.

(*And if you are requiring certain shoes, and/or professional hair/makeup/nails, and/or that they stay in a hotel with you, then you are obligated to pay for it. Otherwise you have zero right to tell them that they need to do these things.)

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-flaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:03001587-39a6-41a7-8982-d794493d8782Post:ca57b199-cd03-4864-8193-66422a87d159">Bridesmaids flaking out?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was just informed that two of my bridesmaids are backing out of the wedding...I asking them to be in my wedding a few months ago, told them the dress cost ($150) and they ALL agreed...Well now, they say that its too much to pay for, and are backing out...I am getting married this July mind you!! So Should I ask other close friends, or should I just stick with the two that I have and hope that it doesn't look odd when I only have two girls to his four guys?  Help me!
Posted by siple1am[/QUOTE]

Either cover the costs for the girls who have informed you that they cannot afford the dress (and that was actually considerate of them to give you 6 months' notice) if you truly want them in the wedding or don't and accept that you will have 2 BMs. It's fine to have sides that do not perfectly match. But it was your faux pax to tell them the dress was going to be $150 and not ask them what they preferred to spend on a dress before chosing one (that, unfortunately, ended up being out of their budgets).

MyNameIsNot

Which is more important?  This dress, or having your friends in your wedding?  Ask them what they can afford (and apologize for screwing up and not asking this in the beginning) and find a dress in that budget.  Or you could just tell everyone to wear a black cocktail dress of their choice. 

If the dress is more important than these girls, don't replace them.  We had 4/2 and it was lovely.

banana468

Is it possible to say, "I realized that I jumped the gun on things.  Is it possible for us to work together so that you can still be in the wedding?  It would mean the world to me!  The dress isn't a big deal at all!"

bowlerchick1705

i had a friend who had the same problem.....i was her maid of honor and one of the bridemaids wasnt staying in touch and we thought she went and got her dress when she didn't and through us through hoops like crazy... well it came down too being like two weeks before the wedding and we decided to replace her and so we did and we were lucky enough to get the dress in the color that would fit the girl at the store because it was to late to order a dress.... the bride explained to the bridesmaid who wasnt coming that she should have called her back and not at the last minute called about getting a dress.......

mbcdefg

How did the new girl feel about being a second-best replacement at two weeks out, rather than being asked the first time around? (Although I can't imagine that she'd tell you - to your faces, anyway, who knows what was said behind your backs - that she was insulted by it.)

Also, are you and the bride friends with the original bridesmaid anymore? Did you guys find out if there was anything going on in her life (I would think that something pretty major would've happened to make a good friend not get her dress), or did you just replace her because she wasn't devoted enough to the wedding?

And did the bride ask you and the other BMs for your budgets before picking out the dress? If not, maybe she couldn't afford it. In that case it wasn't her fault.

banana468

Ditto malphabet.  I have to say, based on your story bowlerchick, that bride isn't smelling like roses to me.

siple1am

Ok, I have read a lot of the responses and I understand that telling them how much the dress is...but I should have been more clear...they picked the dress out themselves, so whoever said I should apoloigize, I asked several times..I was the one who thought it was too pricey!  They all agreed, seperately and together, and said it was fine, then a few months went by...and they all of a sudden couldn't afford it... And to people who said it wasn't flaking out...Yes it is.  I don't care if I had a year until my wedding....People who agree to something and don't do it, that's flaking out...REGARDLESS of time.. I'm not going to apologize to people who picked out the dress then said 'ooops wait sorry too expensive...and I don't want you to help me out financially with it so I'm just not going to be in your wedding..I would feel too bad...'

banana468

It isn't completely flaking out though.  They're telling you months in advance that this is now too much for them.

And you're not going to apologize to them that it's suddenly too much?  This is a friendship issue you're creating by not seeing if anything else is going on.

gottahavashorti

Financial situations change.  See if the dress would be within their price range if purchased from a discount authorized retailer - check rkbridal.com, netbride.com, jaysbridal.com, pearlsplace.com.  Also look for a used or never worn dress in their size on craigslist, ebay, attire board, trash to treasure board on the Nest, weddingbee.com classified section.

If you are unable to find it within their price range, look for a new dress within their current price range.  If they still don't want to be in the wedding, that is their decision.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-flaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:03001587-39a6-41a7-8982-d794493d8782Post:01287dd2-a767-4490-b082-9d70478fecbd">Re: Bridesmaids flaking out?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I have read a lot of the responses and I understand that telling them how much the dress is...but I should have been more clear...they picked the dress out themselves, so whoever said I should apoloigize, I asked several times..I was the one who thought it was too pricey!  They all agreed, seperately and together, and said it was fine, then a few months went by...and they all of a sudden couldn't afford it... And to people who said it wasn't flaking out...Yes it is.  I don't care if I had a year until my wedding....People who agree to something and don't do it, that's flaking out...REGARDLESS of time.. I'm not going to apologize to people who picked out the dress then said 'ooops wait sorry too expensive...and I don't want you to help me out financially with it so I'm just not going to be in your wedding..I would feel too bad...'
Posted by siple1am[/QUOTE]

You are being too hard on them.  Telling you months in advance that they cannot doing is not flaking out.  It is being responsible.

Anyway, it sounds like they aren't really that important to you anyway, so just move on.