Junior bridesmaids singing at the reception

lauraalanna

Sorry if I'm asking too maybe questions...I'm at the point in the wedding process where I have 10,000 questions and no one I personally know who has had a wedding before to ask.

Here's the quick background of it.

My Jr BM,Lindsey, is my fiance's HALF sister (same mom,different dad)...and the age difference is about 15 years so needless to say he and Lindsey are not close at all.

Lindsey is involved in local singing recitals and takes voice lessons and is GOOD for a 9 year old,but definitely not a prodigy singer by any means. Well Lindsey's mom,same as the fiances mom, wants her to perform at my reception.

Now as cute as that sounds...let me clarify that the mom's intention is NOT to give us the "gift of singing" but rather to show Lindsey off to all of our guests. I've actually consulted my BMs about this and a lot of them reacted negatively and said that a lot of my guests would wonder why she is singing. My MOH/sister is sitting right beside me and I just told her of the situation and she reacted the exact same way.

My fiance and I do not really want Lindsey to sing,not because it's "our wedding day" but because we do not feel it is an appropriate time to show off her daughters "voical ability". My fiance is more hellbent on not having her sing than I am.

I asked my DJ what we should do and he said to use him as excuse by saying that he isn't allowed to have minors touch his equpiment and ect ect. However,I could totally see the mom saying "well I'm sure the reception venue has a microphone she could use". I want to start off my marriage on the right foot with my soon to be mother in law but we also do not want Lindsey to sing for the purpose of showcasing her talent.

Hopefully I provided all of the background to everything..if anything in unclear I'll try and clear it up. Thanks!

lauraalanna

Note

The best thing I can compare it to is the episode on the Real Housewives of NJ when Danielle wanted to youngest daughter to sing at her oldest daughter's sweet 16 and it was kinda awkward to hear her sing because she wasn't HORRIBLE but wasn't quite on point,either.

trix1223

I say no.  There's really no reason for her to sing at the reception other than mumsy wanting to show off her little cupcake.  It's simply not appropriate.

If you think it could get ugly, you might get around this by offering to let her sing at the RD.

But I'd stand my ground on "cupcake" performing at the reception.  Sounds like a stage mom here who will push her little cupcake whether it's appropriate or not.

bdulli13

I agree with Trix. You are justified in not wanting a random performance for the purpose of showcasing some poor youngsters talent. Who knows, you may be doing the kid a favor-- she may not want anything to do with it either! As a couple, just say that you are keeping the ceremony short and the reception to DJ only in order to accomodate the already full time line of parent-child dances, cake cutting, and bouquet tossing. If you want to be nice, offer up the RD as her stage to keep the peace. Just make sure you and your FI are polite and adult and firm in your stance. Good luck!

megk8oz

Unless your FI's mom is paying for the wedding, and this is one of the "strings" on the money, just don't agree to it.

You and your FI need to tell her "That's a nice idea, but we really don't feel it's appropriate and there's no need to discuss this any further" and drop it. If she keeps bringing it up, "bean dip" the crap out of her:

FMIL: "So I want Suzy to sing this song at the wedding"
You/FI: "Well, Suzy's not singing at the wedding. Have you tried this bean dip?"
FMIL: "But I really want her singing! She's my precious-wecious widdle snowflake!"
You/FI: "This dip is delicious! Do I detect a hint of oregano?"
FMIL: "Are you even listening to me? I need to plan Suzy's musical number!"
You/FI: "I'm sorry, I can't hear you over this medley of flavor!"


ETA: Like Trix said, if there's really no way to get her to drop it, I'd concede to letting her sing at the RD as a compromise. But Suzy Snowflake has no business playing Karaoke Party at your reception.

LoveMuffins

The Rehearsal Dinner sounds like a good compromise, if that becomes necessary to keep the peace, but it definitely sounds like honesty is the best policy. Just tell Mom, or better yet have your FI tell Mom since he's the more hellbent one AND it's his family, that while you love Lindsay's voice, you don't feel that your reception is the appropriate showcase for her. And also make sure you take Lindsay aside at some point and reassure her that you guys love her and that although you think she's very talented, that the reception isn't exactly the place to display that but that you're very happy to have her involved in your day. There's a possibility that the poor kid will be relieved (both that she doesn't have to sing and that Mom's pushiness isn't making you hate her) and may end up on your side when it comes to setting your foot down to Mom.

Licia&Wayne

I agree with Trix and Bdulli. I don't know how mature this girl is, but even if you relented and let her sing at the reception and she screwed up, it could be all kinds of ugly if she melts down. I'm imagining some poor girl singing, her voice cracks and then she starts crying all night long. I don't think this would be pretty even if she did do well. Talk about a hugely weird place for a recital.

I would be polite and firm and let FMIL know that you appreciate the offer, but with possible toasts, cake cutting, dancing and the general busyness of saying thank you to everyone at the reception, you just don't think there will be time for the girl to sing and be appreciated. Maybe appealing to her stagemom ego will do the trick.

saisongbird

As someone who is regularly asked to perform at family affairs (weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, etc), it's not a stress-free experience.  Do I do it and love it?  Yes.  Do I worry that I'll mess up and embarrass myself and the B&G?  Yep.  Is there a decent probability that the 9-year old will blow it?  Heck yes!  While we always say that it's not YOUR day and that you need to take your guests into account, this is different.  Not allowing their little cupcake to sing isn't putting the majority of your guests into discomfort.  Hold your ground on this one.  When it comes to aesthetic choices like these, they are YOUR and your FI's decisions to make, not your parents'.

zitiqueen

Slightly OT and I'm kind of surprised nobody brought it up, please don't refer to her  as a "junior" bridesmaid. She'll be wearing the same dress and walking down the same aisle and standing in front of the guests, just like all the other bridesmaids. Therefore, she's a bridesmaid. It's unnecessary to point out that she's a pwecious widdo gool. Kids don't like that.

aegrish

I agree with PP. Just be honest, and tell them you think she has a lovely voice but it may not be appropriate for her to sing at the reception.  Licia&Wayne's post is well written!

mkrupar

Your reception is not a talent show. You have every right to say no to this request. You don't have to drag the DJ into it. Just simply tell her that while you're sure little 9 yo has a wonderful sining voice, you will not be having her sing at your reception. If there is pushback, use Meg's bean dip example. If you don't allow her to engage you in the discussion about this little girl singing, then the discussion can't be held.

megandjay

I would agree with PPs, also- let your FI handle this one, it is his mother and half-sister afterall. No need for you to be explaining it to your FMIL. She is probably more likely to take it well from her son than her future daughter-in-law.

Unless I am totally wrong, which could be the case, since I think my MIL would handle rejection from me better than from DH! (she is too polite to argue with me, but would put up a fight with DH).

I think your DJ excuse is okay

AutumnFair

DItto to all the PP. Your FI needs to handle this one by telling his mom that he does not want his sister singing at the reception (specially if it's to show her off). I've played at family and friends weddings before and it definitely is not a stress free experience, I put in a lot of hours of practicing and coordinating with church music coordinators to make sure everything goes smoothly. I can't imagine a 9 year old being ready to be put in the spotlight like that.

trix1223

Anyone here remember the "You've Got Mail" movie where the little girl sings "Tomorrow" (from Annie) at the family Christmas Eve gathering.  The family is all beaming proudly as the little girl sings (not entirely well) while others have a frozen smile on their faces.

Sounds like there's exactly that potential for the OP's scenario.

banana468

Exactly.  OP, you need to be up front with the mom but you need to do your work with your vendors so they know that a sneaky parent may want to do this.

Beyond the fact that it's so silly to AW your child out at someone's wedding reception, no one wants to see it.  They want to eat, drink and dance.  I'm not a fan of leaving the dance floor for parent dances and I really don't want to leave it because someone thinks that her child is "OMG SO GREAT SQUEEE!!"

connelly2be

If your FI is having a hard time saying no (and he IS the one who must do it, or you will be forever known as "that shrew that Joey married"), maybe FI could say that you have so many really talented friends and you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by having little sister sing when some of your friends have offered as well, so you've decided not to have any entertainment at all other than the DJ's music and dancing.  After all, you just want all your guests to relax and enjoy themselves without the pressure of having to perform.

That, and the bean dip.

megandjay

I think you and your FI should just be honest- if you use an excuse like the DJ one (which I agreed with before), and I think she will just try to get around it. Be firm but clear. This is a day to celebrate your wedding, no performances.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_junior-bridesmaids-singing-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:035c0f34-a99a-46dd-a1c4-3ef62bac6797Post:d8cfac22-bb74-4765-a8a2-382077603fba">Re: Junior bridesmaids singing at the reception</a>:
[QUOTE]If your FI is having a hard time saying no (and he IS the one who must do it, or you will be forever known as "that shrew that Joey married"),<strong> maybe FI could say that you have so many really talented friends and you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by having little sister sing when some of your friends have offered as well, </strong>so you've decided not to have any entertainment at all other than the DJ's music and dancing.  After all, you just want all your guests to relax and enjoy themselves without the pressure of having to perform. That, and the bean dip.
Posted by connelly2be[/QUOTE]

Why are people, on several different threads, encouraging people to lie?  OP, if you do this:  tell your family that "some others have offered", you'd better have others that have, indeed offered. Lying always comes back to bite you in the butt.

I think that OPs FI needs to take this bull by the horns and tell his mom that her suggestion just isn't going to work.  And then he needs to mean it.  But making up a lie to try to skirt the issue isn't going to help.  Suppose mumsy says "But she's your sister.  Your friends will understand."  What then? Your lie hasn't worked anyway.

lisamc20

I'm so glad you posted this... I'm in a very similar situation, except it's my brother that's the musician. Apparently it's been my moms dream for years to see him play at my wedding blah blah blah. I know he would do a wonderful job, and if we wanted a live song played at the wedding, sure, we'd go to him. But we don't, so this would be purely to showcase his abilities. While I know he could care less, it's been a battle with my mom (her not talking to me for weeks, etc.).

Once I realized how important it was to her, I decided to take a "positive" approach, and not be snappy or rude, but still hold my ground.

You're situation is much worse since its your MIL, but luckily your fiance feels the same way and I'm sure he will feel comfortable enough to tell her to back off.

Good luck!

lauraalanna

Thank you guys so much! We plan to breaking the bad news before he leaves for NC and back to school next week.

We are definitely going to go with a compromised route and having her sing at the reheasal (not the dinner since it would be a major,major distraction because it's in a small family owned italian restaurant).

Again,thanks to all and happy new year!!

marinabreeze

PPs gave great advice.  Let FI take care of it.  If you need to compromise, that's fine. 

As an aside, though, I am not sure how the fact that the sister is techically a "HALF-sister" or the fact that he and sis are not that close are details relevant to the question.  I guess I take note of it because I have six siblings, five are "half-siblings" (four of them same mom, different dads, and one of them same dad, different mom), and one is adopted.  I don't feel less related to them because we might share only one blood parent (or in my younger sister's case, none at all).  And I'm closest to my baby brother, who is 12 1/2 years younger than I am, so I don't see how it's obvious that with the age difference your FI and his sister wouldn't be that close. 

If they're not close, they're not close, but not seeing how this or the degree of blood relation is relevant.  Even if she were a "full-sibling," and they were in fact close, I can't see how that would make a difference in the situation or how best to deal with it.   If I'm missing something here, please let me know.