BM drama-HELP

c1lott

So I have a little situation with a BM. I've known her since i was in the 6th grade. she lives in another state and we talk like a monthly due to our schedules. i asked her to be a BM but also told her that i understood if she couldnt due to money and she'd be flying in an such. she agreed but now has flipped the script. Told me to buy the dress in my size and she'll get it altered to fit her and i can pay for it. she then can give it back to me after the wedding. She has made comments about not being able to stay after the wedding to help clean up. and i as the bride have offered to stay to help everyone. she has complained about it. now i dont really want her bad attitude to ruin my day. should i ask her to step down or tough it out??

LDubHawksFan

If you want to end your friendship, ask her to step down, but I wouldn't advise it.  Did you ask her budget for the dress?  Is it within that price?  Is so, and she now can't pay for it, you could either tell her paying for the dress and standing up with you is the only requirement you have for BM.  If she can't do these, she has then stepped down.  Or you could pay for the dress, assuming you want her to be there for you.  I don't understand her logic of giving the dress to you after she's altered it to be her size.  I would decline that and proceed as above.

c1lott

I did go ahead and pay for the dress. Her mother can sew so apparently it was going to be a tempory alteration for her on the wedding day then she'd give it back to me so i could wear it and have it afterwards. The rest of the conflict has come after i paid for her dress. i agree i dont think i'm going to ask her to do anything else. she told me to not give her BM gift since i paid for her dress. i just think thats tacky on my part. here all my BM heres your gift and not hers... maybe thats just me..

OliveOilsMom

As PP mentioned, did you ask her for her budget?  Perhaps give her a color, designer, and fabric and let her find her own dress in her budget. 

And as for cleaning up after the reception, I wouldn't be doing that either and neither should any other guests be put on clean up duty.  Her job as BM is to stand up for you and FI in support of your marriage, not be on clean up duty at the end of the evening.  You should hire a small clean up crew to do this work for you at the end of the evening.

There was a post months ago about a bride who emailed her WP about what duties they had after the wedding, it was rude of the bride and it will be rude of you to ask WP or guests to clean up duty after the wedding. 

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drama-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:03b40eff-bff6-4aa4-96e7-164a805d74eaPost:ca6d20e0-1b97-4174-9b0b-94b9035c6b81">BM drama-HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have a little situation with a BM. I've known her since i was in the 6th grade. she lives in another state and we talk like a monthly due to our schedules. i asked her to be a BM but also told her that i understood if she couldnt due to money and she'd be flying in an such. she agreed but now has flipped the script. Told me to buy the dress in my size and she'll get it altered to fit her and i can pay for it. she then can give it back to me after the wedding. She has made comments about not being able to stay after the wedding to help clean up. and i as the bride have offered to stay to help everyone. she has complained about it. now i dont really want her bad attitude to ruin my day. should i ask her to step down or tough it out??
Posted by c1lott[/QUOTE]
1.  RE the dress - tell her that that doesn't work for you.  No is not a four letter word.  Did you ask her for her budget prior to choosing the dress?  Does she have a particular reason for not wanting to buy the dress?
2.  She's absolutely in the right about not having to stay after the wedding to help clean up.  That is not her job and it is inappropriate of you to ask her or anyone else to do so.  What the heck does "and i as the bride have offered to stay to help everyone" mean?  You've "offered" to stay and help other people clean up after your wedding?  This shouldn't be an offer - it's YOUR wedding and YOUR responsibility to clean up.  You can do it yourself or you can hire someone to do it, but you can't conscript anyone into doing it.  Your wedding party is not free labor.

c1lott

I have paid for her dress. so thats taken care of. but i did ask her budget and the dress was in her budget that she agreed too. she has to come from another state and pay for a plane ticket. this is why i asked her budget. i knew she'd be paying more money going into town. but she came back and said she couldnt pay that so i bought her dress.

 As for "cleaning" i mean picking up the table runner that i paid for. its not actually putting up tables or food or anything like that. its gathering my items. there is a cleaning crew that does the rest. everything else is being picked up by the other companies. i just need someone to gather table runners and our pictures. i didnt think that was too much to ask but maybe so...

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drama-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:03b40eff-bff6-4aa4-96e7-164a805d74eaPost:a8491b61-4a1c-4eb4-ba5a-4ce1dad65039">Re: BM drama-HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]I have paid for her dress. so thats taken care of. but i did ask her budget and the dress was in her budget that she agreed too. she has to come from another state and pay for a plane ticket. this is why i asked her budget. i knew she'd be paying more money going into town. but she came back and said she couldnt pay that so i bought her dress.  As for "cleaning" i mean picking up the table runner that i paid for. its not actually putting up tables or food or anything like that. its gathering my items. there is a cleaning crew that does the rest. everything else is being picked up by the other companies. i just need someone to gather table runners and our pictures. i didnt think that was too much to ask but maybe so...
Posted by c1lott[/QUOTE]

<div>Did you <em>ask</em> her? Or did you tell her, "I need you to do this."? Big difference.</div><div>
</div><div>FWIW, my mom gathered my things for me, and she volunteered to do so.</div>

c1lott

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drama-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:03b40eff-bff6-4aa4-96e7-164a805d74eaPost:50f212f8-a4ec-4681-82df-6b11b28d4bea">Re: BM drama-HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to BM drama-HELP : 1.  RE the dress - tell her that that doesn't work for you.  No is not a four letter word.  Did you ask her for her budget prior to choosing the dress?  Does she have a particular reason for not wanting to buy the dress? 2.  She's absolutely in the right about not having to stay after the wedding to help clean up.  That is not her job and it is inappropriate of you to ask her or anyone else to do so.  What the heck does "and i as the bride have offered to stay to help everyone" mean?  You've "offered" to stay and help other people clean up after your wedding?  This shouldn't be an offer - it's YOUR wedding and YOUR responsibility to clean up.  You can do it yourself or you can hire someone to do it, but you can't conscript anyone into doing it.  Your wedding party is not free labor.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]


I have said many times that i'll have my send off and come back to gather all my things, myself. Thats what i mean by that.  i've been a BM before and i've stayed after weddings to ensure that all the brides items are gathered. things that she doesnt want to get lost or damage. so i've been ask to take them with me. I have table runners and pictures that i cant leave at the venue overnight or i would. there are cleaning crews to do other things. if thats wrong of me to ask someone to gather those items for me then i guess i'll get them myself.

c1lott

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drama-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:03b40eff-bff6-4aa4-96e7-164a805d74eaPost:cd99a4d5-111b-4ea3-b12d-f744efd49da4">Re: BM drama-HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM drama-HELP : Did you ask  her? Or did you tell her, "I need you to do this."? Big difference. FWIW, my mom gathered my things for me, and she volunteered to do so.
Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE

you are correct that is true. i asked if she could and she said that she had other things to do that night. i want her to be involved. bc she wont be able to be at any of the bridal showers or the bachelorette party. now i know having her stay and help isnt being involved. but i dont want to tell her to come on the day of and thats it, but thats really all shes doing. now she hasnt stated she feels left out so maybe she is ok with her role and i should leave it at that... ive done everything else myself and havent asked anyone for help but this is all ive asked. i was trying to split task up between the BM.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drama-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:03b40eff-bff6-4aa4-96e7-164a805d74eaPost:3f7396b5-ca0a-41b1-a8a3-8e720cbc8983">Re: BM drama-HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM drama-HELP : I have said many times that i'll have my send off and come back to gather all my things, myself. Thats what i mean by that.  i've been a BM before and i've stayed after weddings to ensure that all the brides items are gathered. things that she doesnt want to get lost or damage. so i've been ask to take them with me. I have table runners and pictures that i cant leave at the venue overnight or i would. there are cleaning crews to do other things. if thats wrong of me to ask someone to gather those items for me then i guess i'll get them myself.
Posted by c1lott[/QUOTE]
The wrong in this case comes when you complain about her saying no to doing that.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drama-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:03b40eff-bff6-4aa4-96e7-164a805d74eaPost:7adbf8d4-709c-40ec-a02c-efbc23532867">Re: BM drama-HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM drama-HELP : [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM drama-HELP : Did you ask  her? Or did you tell her, "I need you to do this."? Big difference. FWIW, my mom gathered my things for me, and she volunteered to do so. Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE you are correct that is true. i asked if she could and she said that she had other things to do that night. i want her to be involved. bc she wont be able to be at any of the bridal showers or the bachelorette party. now i know having her stay and help isnt being involved. <strong>but i dont want to tell her to come on the day of and thats it, but thats really all shes doing.</strong> now she hasnt stated she feels left out so maybe she is ok with her role and i should leave it at that... ive done everything else myself and havent asked anyone for help but this is all ive asked. i was trying to split task up between the BM.
Posted by c1lott[/QUOTE]
That's all she needs to do, so that's just fine.  There aren't any tasks other than getting the dress and showing up.

c1lott

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drama-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:03b40eff-bff6-4aa4-96e7-164a805d74eaPost:f6502c51-17c7-4da5-8904-41a2e7da2fb9">Re: BM drama-HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM drama-HELP : The wrong in this case comes when you complain about her saying no to doing that.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

I'm not complaining but asking advice. thats what i thought this board was for. maybe i am asking too much.  i'm ok with admitting that i'm wrong. i'm only comparing it with the times i've been a BM. i have def stuffed invites, planned teas, lunches and showers. for brides, but if asking her to gather some items is crossing the line, then thats what i've done. crossed the line. which isnt what i want to do.  thanks for your advice on the matter.

Viczaesar

This is what you said in your original post:

She has made comments about not being able to stay after the wedding to help clean up. and i as the bride have offered to stay to help everyone. she has complained about it. now i dont really want her bad attitude to ruin my day. should i ask her to step down or tough it out??

Now you're backpedaling and saying that you're not complaining.  What is this but you complaining about her not being able to stay after the wedding to help clean up?  You said, and I quote, "i don't really want her bad attitude to ruin my day"

Crossing the line isn't asking.  Crossing the line is not graciously accepting no for an answer.  You can ask people for help in general, but that doesn't mean that their answer has to be yes.  You didn't cross the line by asking her to pick up your stuff.  You crossed the line by calling her answer of 'no' a "bad attitude" and considering kicking her out of your wedding.

c1lott

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-drama-help?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:03b40eff-bff6-4aa4-96e7-164a805d74eaPost:dfee6e1c-4fb6-4a6e-9266-2218906518d2">Re: BM drama-HELP</a>:
[QUOTE]This is what you said in your original post: She has made comments about not being able to stay after the wedding to help clean up. and i as the bride have offered to stay to help everyone. she has complained about it. now i dont really want her bad attitude to ruin my day. should i ask her to step down or tough it out?? Now you're backpedaling and saying that you're not complaining.  What is this but you complaining about her not being able to stay after the wedding to help clean up?  You said, and I quote, "i don't really want her bad attitude to ruin my day" Crossing the line isn't asking.  Crossing the line is not graciously accepting no for an answer.  You can ask people for help in general, but that doesn't mean that their answer has to be yes.  You didn't cross the line by asking her to pick up your stuff.  You crossed the line by calling her answer of 'no' a "bad attitude" and considering kicking her out of your wedding.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

Alright then i'm complaining. but once again thats why i asked others opinion. its noted!

aerinpegadrak

Ditto viz.  If you're not willing to accept no for an answer, you weren't really asking, you were just trying to make your demands polite.  Cleaning up after the wedding is something that you can figure out on the fly and see who's got the stamina and willingness for it; going to a party knowing that you're going to have to work afterward makes you enjoy the day that much less.  

beardo1111

OP - I don't think you're being overly demanding.  It doesn't sound like you're asking that much, especially if you're going out of the way to pay for her dress.  She has "other stuff to do" the night of your wedding??  She can't even commit to your event for the whole night?  Especially when she's from out of town - what else does she have lined up?  Your bridesmaid doesn't sound super enthusiastic but it's up to you how much you want to rock the boat at this point.  Asking her to step down may just create more drama than it's worth - maybe better to just lean a little more on your other friends/family or put yourself out a bit.  Good luck!

c1lott

thanks guys beardo and laurelrenee for some support. Beardo i think you hit the nail on the head about her not being enthusiastic about my day. i think thats what it comes down too. i want people on my side on my day. thats really what it comes too. i found out she went to vegas this weekend but i had to pay for her dress. she cant stay the entire night for my wedding. i'm more hurt than anything. but oh well. thanks for the advice everyone. its all noted!