chosing a wedding party - who should my bridesmaids be??????

steffig201

IDK what to do about bridesmaids

Right now I have 9 maybe 10 girls, Nick (my fiancé) said he will match however many girls I have with groomsmen. But I really don’t want a 20 person wedding party. I feel I have to have his sisters which is 3 even tho I think his youngest sister (13 from his father’s 2^nd marriage) shouldn’t be in it whatever..I’ll suck it up. My cousin is my MOH, but then do I put my friends I see and talk to every day or the girls I’ve been friends with my whole life and still hang out with but not as often??? Right now I am trying to do both and I’m like ugh. Everyone says it’s my day and my choice and people will understand but I feel some people will take offense to it and feel they don’t mean as much to me as the girls in my wedding party and that is so not the case.

gottahavashorti

Sides don't need to be even or single gender.  Your FI can ask his sisters to be groomswomen/groom's attendants if he chooses.  Go for your gut reaction and try not to overthink it - who could you absolutely not imagine not being a BM?

Edit: Just saw that your wedding isn't until September 2011.  Wait until somewhere in the January to April 2011 range to ask your BMs.  Posts on this board are pretty good evidence that even the closest or longest friendships can change quickly and unexpectedly.

mbcdefg

Do you have a date set yet? (Meaning, did you sign contracts and put down deposits for your ceremony and reception locations?) If not, don't even think about a wedding party until that is completed.

And even then, do yourself a favor and wait until maybe 10 months beforehand to ask people to be in your wedding. Your bio says your wedding is in September 2011, so WAIT if that is the case. If people ask, just tell them, "We're still on Cloud 9 from the engagement and we want to settle some other things first!" and then change the subject.

When the time comes:

Right now I have 9 maybe 10 girls, Nick (my fiancé) said he will match however many girls I have with groomsmen. But I really don’t want a 20 person wedding party.

PLEASE don't do this. You shouldn't be choosing people just to match your partner's number. Each of you should ask whoever you want. Even if that means you have 10 attendants and he has four. It's FINE not to match, and nowadays most people don't. (When you hang out with a group of friends, are they always in perfectly matched pairs? Probably not, right? So why should your wedding be any different?)

Him picking groomsmen just to match your number of bridesmaids is completely unnecessary and will turn your wedding into a circus if you involve too many people that way. Giving yourselves a self-imposed quota to fill or keep will only lead to hurt feelings ... it will hurt if you set a low number and then exclude good friends because you think that your sides need to be even, and it will hurt if you pick a large number and then pick random people to fill that role (people KNOW when they are slot-fillers, believe me, and it's not a nice feeling to know that you were just included to be a warm body and a filler for photographs).

I feel I have to have his sisters which is 3 even tho I think his youngest sister (13 from his father’s 2^nd marriage) shouldn’t be in it whatever..I’ll suck it up.

What does HE want to do? You don't owe family members a spot in your wedding, but sometimes it's wise to include them to avoid drama. If your FI wants to include them, then include them ... or let them wear black dresses and stand up on HIS side as HIS attendants. That way, they're included with the person that wanted them, and also you won't have three more bridesmaids.

Why shouldn't the 13 year-old be included? If someone is mature enough to wear the outfit, walk down the aisle and stand quietly for the ceremony, she is mature enough to be a bridesmaid. If not, then you can make the argument that she shouldn't be one.

Expect nothing more from ALL of your bridesmaids than to get the dress and show up to the ceremony. That waqy, you will not be disappointed if that's all they wind up doing, and you will be pleasantly surprised if they volunteer to do more. Planning your wedding is not their job - their job is to get the dress and stand in the ceremony. Anything else is a bonus.

Also, do yourself a favor and discuss their budgets (privately and individually) before you start looking at dresses. That way, you can pick a price range that you are positive that they can all afford, instead of guessing/assuming and then running into problems later. If you go out with all of them and say, "Is this $175 dress O.K.?" they will also probably feel pressured/embarrassed into saying yes, even if they cannot afford it. Then you will have a problem when payment time comes and they can't swing it.

My cousin is my MOH, but then do I put my friends I see and talk to every day or the girls I’ve been friends with my whole life and still hang out with but not as often??? Right now I am trying to do both and I’m like ugh. Everyone says it’s my day and my choice and people will understand but I feel some people will take offense to it and feel they don’t mean as much to me as the girls in my wedding party and that is so not the case.

Include your closest friends. Not people you USED to be close to, not people you feel guilty about, not people you think will be sad if you don't include them. Your current closest friends. The people where you can definitively say to yourself, "I cannot picture getting married without [name] by my side." If someone doesn't fit into that mental picture, then do not ask her.

People will get over it. They know that you cannot include every single person you care about. And if the friendship isn't that close, they are probably aware of that fact as well. You can honor friends by asking them to do a reading, or sing/play music if they are talented, or by just inviting them to have fun as a guest. You don't need to find a job or a role for everyone. Normal people will understand ... and if someone stops speaking to you because she wasn't a close-enough friend to be a bridesmaid, then the friendship wasn't worth keeping anyway.

leeshab1982

It is my opinion that siblings don't need to be included just because they are siblings.  If you are close to them, then of course it makes sense, but if you're not then I don't see why they HAVE to be in the wedding party.  But, I do realize that in some families, if they are not in the wedding party then it will be considered a major slight and probably cause lots of drama.  If that's the case with your family, then you're probably on the right track.

As for friends, it can be tricky.  I had a hard time with choosing because I have a very close group of friends that get together a lot (birthdays, holidays, we exchange Xmas gifts each year, etc.).  I'm closer with some than others within the group.  I was worried the "others" would be hurt or offended.  I ended up choosing along the lines of what the pp suggested - who could I absolutely not imagine NOT being there with me?  I'm totally happy with my choices.

lalap69

1) Your sides don't have to be even.
2) You don't need to split your sides by gender.
3) You've got a ways to go before you should be asking anyone.  Wait until you're less than a year away from your wedding because relationships can change.

He can ask his sisters to be groomswomen.  You can ask the friends that are your nearest and dearest and he can do the same.

MeggyG20

What if your sister is 7 years younger (19) me (26) and your mom is questioning if she is ready to handle the MOH role.  I think she'll definitely need the support of the other girls but isn't that the point.  I just don't want to see it falling on my mom because my sister flaked (although I don't think she will).   I was considering a Matron as well since more than half of my friends I want to share the day with me are married...any thoughts?? 

emilykathleen511

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_chosing-wedding-party-should-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:05ae3936-d001-492f-b13d-0d2302dd69eaPost:acf9e040-11f8-415c-afac-c1187a9ff9a9">Re: chosing a wedding party - who should my bridesmaids be??????</a>:
[QUOTE]What if your sister is 7 years younger (19) me (26) and your mom is questioning if she is ready to handle the MOH role.  I think she'll definitely need the support of the other girls but isn't that the point.  I just don't want to see it falling on my mom because my sister flaked (although I don't think she will).   I was considering a Matron as well since more than half of my friends I want to share the day with me are married...any thoughts?? 
Posted by MeggyG20[/QUOTE]

<div>All your MOH and other bridesmaids have to do is show up on the wedding day in the dress, walk down the aisle, stand quietly for the ceremony, and smile for pictures. The MOH may have added duties of holding your bouquet, signing the license, and giving a toast if she feels up to it.</div><div>
</div><div>Anything else that she or the others OFFER to do is just icing on the cake. If one or more of them want to throw you a shower or bachelorette party, they will do that (it would be inappropriate to expect one or ask for one). Likewise, as far as them helping you plan or going shopping with you,  you can certainly ask them if they would like to help, but ultimately the wedding is for you and your fiance to plan, and if someone would rather not help, or doesn't have time to help, you have to respect that.</div><div>
</div><div>In other words, yes ask your sister to be your MOH, but don't expect anything other than her showing up on the day. If she does more, you can be pleasantly surprised (and most likely appreciate it more).</div>