best man problems

ee524

My fiance chose someone who has been his friend for many years to stand up next to us as his best man. He has turned out to be completely unreliable...does not return phone calls, emails, or facebook messages. I have also tried contacting him to give some ideas for a bachelor party, but he hasn't followed up with anything. My fiance has given him the benefit of the doubt and is about to make a last ditch effort to contact him. He does not want someone who says he is excited about being his best man, but demonstrates something different through his actions. Has anyone else gone through a similar situation. I'm afraid this may be the end of their friendship, unless something changes.

vicki0508

You should probably back off and let your FI handle his friends.

FutureMrsSS

What are you trying to contact him for? Is he not talking to you and FI, or just not responding to you?

If he is close enough to be chosen as best man I'm sure he already has an idea of what FI would enjoy for a bachelor party (which he is in no way obligated to do by the way). He also might not want you involved in it which is why he is not responding to e-mails regarding it. My FI best man has never talked to me about the bachelor party, and I'm totally fine with it. 

QueerFemme

Your fiance should be handling this, not you.  I realize you are dissapointed that his friend isn't stepping up, but it's not your relationship to navigate.  Console your sweetheart when he mentions how upset he is that his buddy hasn't come through for him... but other than that, let it go.

ee524

He is trying to contact him...not just me.

kmmssg

You have to remember that the BM isn't required to host a bach party.  It is traditional and awfully nice, but it isn't a requirement.  Step back and let FI handle this - especially stay out of the bach party business.

MyNameIsNot

The bride is contacting the BM about planning a b-party, and you wonder why he's not responding?

You need to back off.  This is not your business and not your issue to resolve, and you are making your FI look bad.  How embarrassed would you be if your FI started calling your friends to tell them to throw parties for you?  

Let your FI handle his relationship.  If the guy doesn't get a tux, he removes himself.  Otherwise, everything is fine.  It's up to your FI to discuss the issue with his friend, not you.

CowgirlK39

I can sort of relate. Our best man has become so glued to his controlling gf that we never see him anymore. However, we can't get a hold of him for friendship reasons, not strictly wedding related. I agree that it's really not your place to be trying to get him to do the bach party, but if he is avoiding both of you all together, then this is a friendship issue your FI needs to handle.

mbcdefg

I completely understand that you are upset that this guy isn't coming through for your fiance, and that you don't want your fiance to lose a good friend.

That being said ... you really need to stay out of this. Let your fiance handle this himself and just support whatever decision he makes. If the guy ends up dropping out, do not replace him.

I have also tried contacting him to give some ideas for a bachelor party, but he hasn't followed up with anything ... it was absolutely not your place to do this.

ee524

He is not being nagged about wedding stuff at all. My fiance has contacted him to get together as friends to play flag football, get dinner, etc. He doesn't call back or respond via email. So he is going to be replaced since my fiance doesn't want someone who isn't even being a halfway decent friend standing up there. They have been friends for so long, so it's a shame.

aerinpegadrak

Our best man dropped off the face of the planet for about four months during the later part of our engagement.  DH wasn't even trying to contact him about wedding stuff, just trying to talk to his friend, and couldn't get hold of him no matter how he tried.  We were a little concerned about not having a best man there, but it was more about not having his best friend there, which would have broken his heart.  I also didn't try to contact the BM at all.  If we'd had our own friendship, it wouldn't have been weird--I have a few friends whose spouses I'd gladly hang out with or call up on their own--but since I'd never done it before, it just wasn't appropriate.

Then, out of the blue, BM called him up.  He said he'd been really busy, DH accepted that, and they pretty much picked up where they left off.  I have my suspicions that there was something else going on (specifically, I think his wife was pissed that we weren't having a Catholic wedding and could have, when she badly wanted one and wasn't allowed to), but we didn't make a big deal of it.

But I can guaran-damn-tee you that if we had said anything along the lines of, "Well, guess you're not coming then," or gone so far as to actually replace him, there's no way they would still be friends today on any level.  That's a definitive, game over move, and a heartless and cruel one at that.  Don't replace him, period.  If he can't get his act together, there's just no best man.  It's not a required role, plenty of weddings choose to skip one.  Replacing him just makes you both look like flat-out awful people to both the best man and anyone who gets wind of the story (which will be a lot of people), especially if it turns out that he has a legit reason for the silence.  Just don't do it.

ee524

<div>He was replaced and with the understanding that they may never be friends again and my FH is okay with that.  He wants to have friends in his life that care enough about him to communicate and interact with him.  He wants a person who is a reliable friend to stand up next to him.  He has tried countless times to get in contact with him, even just to hang out, not even mentioning wedding things. Replacing him does not make me or my FH horrible people.  In fact, people who do know of the situation support the decision that my FH made and would have done the same thing.  He has time to post on facebook multiple times per day, but can't return an e-mail fb message, phone call...that's unacceptable and certainly not someone who should be a best man.  The role of a best man is an integral part of the wedding as he is the one that traditionally makes a toast, organizes a bachelor part/outing, and most importantly, signs our marriage license.  I have never been to a wedding where there wasn't a best man.  In fact, his wife called my FH soon after this happened to apologize for the way that he handled the situation and said there was no excuse.  He should have declined when he was asked.  End of story.</div><div>
</div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0657473a-ec49-40c0-864e-e117844037d3Post:e368f8d2-4e3f-4713-8de4-e789195ad850">Re: best man problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Our best man dropped off the face of the planet for about four months during the later part of our engagement.  DH wasn't even trying to contact him about wedding stuff, just trying to talk to his friend, and couldn't get hold of him no matter how he tried.  We were a little concerned about not having a best man there, but it was more about not having his best friend there, which would have broken his heart.  I also didn't try to contact the BM at all.  If we'd had our own friendship, it wouldn't have been weird--I have a few friends whose spouses I'd gladly hang out with or call up on their own--but since I'd never done it before, it just wasn't appropriate. Then, out of the blue, BM called him up.  He said he'd been really busy, DH accepted that, and they pretty much picked up where they left off.  I have my suspicions that there was something else going on (specifically, I think his wife was pissed that we weren't having a Catholic wedding and could have, when she badly wanted one and wasn't allowed to), but we didn't make a big deal of it. But I can guaran-damn-tee you that if we had said anything along the lines of, "Well, guess you're not coming then," or gone so far as to actually replace him, there's no way they would still be friends today on any level.  That's a definitive, game over move, and a heartless and cruel one at that.  Don't replace him, period.  If he can't get his act together, there's just no best man.  It's not a required role, plenty of weddings choose to skip one.  Replacing him just makes you both look like flat-out awful people to both the best man and anyone who gets wind of the story (which will be a lot of people), especially if it turns out that he has a legit reason for the silence.  Just don't do it.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_best-man-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0657473a-ec49-40c0-864e-e117844037d3Post:2de96269-8cdd-4d02-ba85-e864b5f99947">Re: best man problems</a>:
[QUOTE]He was replaced and with the understanding that they may never be friends again and my FH is okay with that.  He wants to have friends in his life that care enough about him to communicate and interact with him.  He wants a person who is a reliable friend to stand up next to him.  He has tried countless times to get in contact with him, even just to hang out, not even mentioning wedding things. Replacing him does not make me or my FH horrible people.  In fact, people who do know of the situation support the decision that my FH made and would have done the same thing.  He has time to post on facebook multiple times per day, but can't return an e-mail fb message, phone call...that's unacceptable and certainly not someone who should be a best man. <strong> The role of a best man is an integral part of the wedding as he is the one that traditionally makes a toast, organizes a bachelor part/outing, and most importantly, signs our marriage license. </strong> I have never been to a wedding where there wasn't a best man.  In fact, his wife called my FH soon after this happened to apologize for the way that he handled the situation and said there was no excuse.  He should have declined when he was asked.  End of story. In Response to Re: best man problems :
Posted by ee524[/QUOTE]
All three of these can be done by anyone regardless of ceremonial title (we only needed one witness, which turned out to be my MOH, some states/counties don't require any), and the first two are optional, even if you've always seen them done.

I'm glad you've rationalized this to yourself so well.  I'm sure that no one around you would possibly be telling you what you want to hear just because you don't respond well to criticism or dissent.  If you're really so happy and confident with your decision, why post here?

rayna7679

I have an MOH issue and I'm makeing a last ditch effort  my self as I am 2 months out form my wedding but the best man is ur mans job to contact make sure he is doing his duty. the bach party isnt required.