Trouble with a mean bridesmaid

csberni

Help!  I'm having problems with a bridesmaid who I've been friends with since we were 12.  She is overly agressive in all respects of her life, and for reasons that she cannot communicate to me, she does not like my maid of honor at all.  My maid of honor is a friend from college, so I suspect that said bridesmaid is a little jealous that I didn't ask her to be MOH, although she has been rude to my MOH since before I've been engaged.  I live in a different city than the bridesmaid and MOH, and I dread going home and trying to hang out with both of them because bridesmaid will make rude comments about MOH, and ignores her when they see each other in public, regardless of whether I'm there.  I'm very hurt by my bridesmaid's actions, and am not looking forward to my showers and bachelorette party because I am fearful of my bridesmaid's potential bad behavior.  Talking to her about the situation will be tough because she becomes defensive immediately, and I fear this will only exacerbate the situation.  Any suggestions would be helpful. 

SarahPLiz

Do you still want to be friends with her? I can understand having history with someone, but being an adult means growing up and dealing with people who are mean. The best way, in my experience, is to call them on their shiit.
Tell her that you are tired of her being mean, and that this is taking over your freindship. I don't know if I could be friends with someone who was that hateful.

Deal with it as a friendship issue, though, not a wedding issue. If she can't deal, then she has removed all of her negativity from your life.. and your wedding.

britne28

I would tell  her to stop being so mean to your friends.  It is disrespectful and it needs to stop.  If she gets mad at that well then she is not much of a friend.

baystateapple

SarahP's advice was spot-on.

Taking her aside so it's just the two of you is a good plan, too.  She may still get defensive, but it's easier to be calm and collected when it's just the two of you, instead of the other girl.  This is a friend issue, not a wedding issue.

gottahavashorti

They don't have to like each other, but your friend needs to learn to be civil.  I was in a wedding with someone that used to intentionally be mean and try to start stuff with one of my friends and I on a regular basis.  We have a decent number of friends in common, but on any normal day I try to stay away from her and don't necessarily talk to her when I do see her because I don't want to deal with a toxic person and never know when she'll try to start something.

For the wedding and wedding related events, we were big girls and were nice to each other and easily spent time right near each other for a good amount of time.  What I'm trying to say is, it's no big deal if they can't stand each other and hopefully they can be civil on the day of the wedding even if they're still not going to be BFFs.  But for now, deal with it as a friend issue as SarahPLiz said.

emilyinchile

Ditto Sarah. Try something along the lines of "Friend, I know you and MOH don't get along. But I like her. And while I love you, hearing you say such rude things about someone I like isn't fun. Can you please not talk about her around me? I know I'm forcing you guys to be together for some of this wedding stuff, but I'd really appreciate it if we could get through it all being civil, and then once the wedding's over you don't have to see her any more."

She needs to be a grown up. I have friends who have friends that I don't like, and it's just one of those things that happens in life. If she can't deal with it, she's going to be the one who ends up with no friends.

stina93446

The way I read this, it sounds like this behavior is nothing new. Is that right? If so, a wedding was not going to change her. 

bablingbrooke

Why on earth are you 1) friends with such a mean person, and 2) make her a BM?

Either something else is going on or you should have seen this coming.  If you want to kick her out as a BM, it will probably end the friendship once and for all.  Which might not be such a bad thing in your case.  But be sure that there is no way to do it nicely (and even if there was, it doesn't sound like she'd take it well).

banana468

Ditto Sarah.

I think you need to deal with this as a friendship and not a wedding issue.  Don't even let the 'wedding' factor into it.

nightmare_of_beauty

I agree with everyone's comment on this is not wedding issue, this is a friend issue.

My MOH and one of BM do not get along, they aren't mean to each other, but they prefer not to be around each other. I spend time with them separately all the time and when one ask why they weren't invited, I tell the other was there and I didn't want to make them uncomfortable (this is things not involving the wedding). 

Heck the MOH and Best Man hate each other and for a long time, we could not hang out with them together because they couldn't stop making catty comments back and forth. I had to have a LONG talk with both of them about how I didn't appreciate their attitudes towards each other and they needed to stop and be adults. They've both stopped now and are civil to each other.

You need to talk to BM and explain to her that you don't appreciate her attitude towards MOH and that you're friends with both of them and would like her to just be civil. But also don't force them to spend every single moment together, make sure you have some separate time with both of them.