MOH Drama

reignbows_92

My maid of honor is being pretty much useless. All I have asked her to do is find some decent dj's for me to look into, help relay some messages to the bridesmaids, and buy her dress (hey, the economy sucks, and everyone is buying their dress and shoes..I'l buy their accessories). She said OK to all of it. The DJ task was given in June. I haven't heard a darn thing back. I tried to talk to her one day when we were going on a 3 hour ride with the guys (her bf and my fiance), and she pretty much blew off any wedding conversation. It is getting so frustrating! 

I just added another bridesmaid, and so far she has done more than the maid of honor, including getting numbers for DJs and even wanting to plan my bachelorette party. 

Here is what I think is going on with my MOH:

She is dating my fiance's cousin (has been for 4 years) (that's not the only reason she is in the bridal party...we were friends since sophomore yr in high school when we were on the same cheerleading squad), and they are not engaged. My fiance and I have been together for going on 2 years (had been friends for 5 years before that). She has been pushing her bf to marry her, and I think she feels sort of jealous that we are getting married before her. Since we announced our engagement, she has set a deadline for her and her bf (2015, by the latest). I think it is driving a wedge between her and I.

I have no clue what to do! I don't want to ask her to step down from MOH because that would be rude, but it is just getting so awkward.

Help??

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:ddd34ca9-9dd7-4a66-bf9c-85f46467109c">MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]My maid of honor is being pretty much useless. All I have asked her to do is find some decent dj's for me to look into, help relay some messages to the bridesmaids, and buy her dress (hey, the economy sucks, and everyone is buying their dress and shoes..I'l buy their accessories). She said OK to all of it. The DJ task was given in June. I haven't heard a darn thing back. I tried to talk to her one day when we were going on a 3 hour ride with the guys (her bf and my fiance), and she pretty much blew off any wedding conversation. It is getting so frustrating!  I just added another bridesmaid, and so far she has done more than the maid of honor, including getting numbers for DJs and even wanting to plan my bachelorette party.  Here is what I think is going on with my MOH: She is dating my fiance's cousin (has been for 4 years) (that's not the only reason she is in the bridal party...we were friends since sophomore yr in high school when we were on the same cheerleading squad), and they are not engaged. My fiance and I have been together for going on 2 years (had been friends for 5 years before that). She has been pushing her bf to marry her, and I think she feels sort of jealous that we are getting married before her. Since we announced our engagement, she has set a deadline for her and her bf (2015, by the latest). I think it is driving a wedge between her and I. I have no clue what to do! I don't want to ask her to step down from MOH because that would be rude, but it is just getting so awkward. Help??
Posted by reignbows_92[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>First, you had no right to ask her to help you with your wedding, as in find a DJ for you.  Your MOH really just needs to get a dress.  Lower your expectations and you won't have a problem.  You may not realize just how much you talk wedding with her.  Be sure to show interest and actually talk about other things besides you and the wedding. Put the wedding aside.  Friendship first, then your wedding and stop trying to use her as free labor.

</div>

Ali092011

I'm sorry, but I agree with rsanna. You should not have your MOH looking into DJs for you. Even if I weren't "jealous" of my friend for getting married before me, I still wouldn't make time to call around to find a DJ for her wedding.

BTW, in the time it took you to delegate that task, check with her to see if she's done it, and write this post complaining that she hasn't done it, you could have spoken with five DJs on the phone yourself. Are you really THAT busy that you can't find your own vendors?

aerinpegadrak

It was way way WAY out of line to ask her to find you a vendor.  That's your job, you're the one getting married.  If you can't handle it, hire a coordinator who's paid to do it.  Unreal.

Viczaesar

1.  It is in NO WAY her job to find DJs for you.  WTF?
2.  It is in no way her job to be your message girl in sending messages to your bridesmaids.  Pick up your phone and text them yourself. 
3.  She only has to buy a dress, chosen with her budget and comfort in mind.  You do not get to dictate that she (or any of your ladies) buy specific shoes unless YOU pay for them.  You also don't need to buy their accessories - stepford bridesmaids look stupid.  Let them accessorize themselves like the adults that they are.  Even if you decide to buy their accessories anyway, they don't count as your bridesmaid gifts.
4.  It's only awkward because you're being inappropriate.  Cut it out and your friendship will be fine.  You cannot kick anybody out of your wedding party unless they try to kill you, or something equally serious.  Not being your bridal slave to your expectations is in no way an acceptable reason.  Her ONLY job is to show up at the wedding in the correct outfit, just like the rest of your bridesmaids.

reignbows_92

The only reason I asked her to help with that is because I am from out Massachusetts, living in WI, don't know anyone, she has family around here, she has been to weddings and parties here, I have not. All I asked was if she knew any good DJ's. She said yes, so I asked if she could get some numbers. I didn't want her to chose, just to give me numbers of good ones she has seen. 

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:73246d91-e7d6-4678-bb86-c35d70b9324d">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]The only reason I asked her to help with that is because I am from out Massachusetts, living in WI, don't know anyone, she has family around here, she has been to weddings and parties here, I have not. All I asked was if she knew any good DJ's. She said yes, so I asked if she could get some numbers. I didn't want her to chose , just to give me numbers of good ones she has seen. 
Posted by reignbows_92[/QUOTE]

I found alot of my vendors online here and at project wedding. Just go look up yourself, it won't matter if you are nowhere there or not, you can still request info online and do phone interviews for alot of it...

RebeccaB88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:73246d91-e7d6-4678-bb86-c35d70b9324d">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]The only reason I asked her to help with that is because I am from out Massachusetts, living in WI, don't know anyone, she has family around here, she has been to weddings and parties here, I have not. All I asked was if she knew any good DJ's. She said yes, so I asked if she could get some numbers. I didn't want her to chose , just to give me numbers of good ones she has seen. 
Posted by reignbows_92[/QUOTE]

That's still too much.  You need to be researching online, finding your own numbers, reading reviews, calling or emailing them yourself, THEN you can ask her if she's heard of any of the ones you're considering and if she has an opinion on them.  It's YOUR wedding.  YOU do the research.

Oh, and if a bride called me useless because I wasn't doing things that aren't my responsibility to do, I can promise you I'd be out of that wedding so fast her head would spin.  That's just rude.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:73246d91-e7d6-4678-bb86-c35d70b9324d">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]The only reason I asked her to help with that is because I am from out Massachusetts, living in WI, don't know anyone, she has family around here, she has been to weddings and parties here, I have not. All I asked was if she knew any good DJ's. She said yes, so I asked if she could get some numbers. I didn't want her to chose , just to give me numbers of good ones she has seen. 
Posted by reignbows_92[/QUOTE]

That's still kind of excessive.  It's one thing if she knows a few DJs personally and can easily pull up their contact information, but who really remembers the name of the DJ when they go to a party?  There are plenty of resources for finding a vendor when you're not local, including the local wedding boards here on the Knot (without which I couldn't possibly have planned my out-of-town wedding).  Even a simple Google search would be enough to get you started, you can find plenty of information and reviews that way.

If she had offered to help without prompting and then flaked, then that would be one thing.  But you're still putting way too much onto her shoulders.  Again, if you're really that out of your depth planning a wedding from somewhere else, you'd be better off hiring a planner who will be contractually obligated to do all of that footwork for you.

Armada21

Look, I've had MOH drama myself. Here is a link with what everyone in the wedding party is supposed to do. You do the rest unless you ask your mother to do it because that's just more appropriate. It'd be better for you to meet with DJs and read online reviews because she may have a different taste in musicians than you. Also, unless she offered to help with a specific offhand task, don't assign it. Good luck with figuring out what needs done.

http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/wedding-party-glossary.aspx

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:14cbaf32-4684-4094-9b9c-226406f77477">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Look, I've had MOH drama myself. Here is a link with what everyone in the wedding party is supposed to do. You do the rest unless you ask your mother to do it because that's just more appropriate. It'd be better for you to meet with DJs and read online reviews because she may have a different taste in musicians than you. Also, unless she offered to help with a specific offhand task, don't assign it. Good luck with figuring out what needs done. <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/wedding-party-glossary.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/wedding-party-glossary.aspx</a>
Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE]
That link is full of crap.  The only thing bridesmaids and MOHs are supposed to do is get the dress and show up on the day of, preferrably clean and sober.  That's it.  The point of having a bridal party is for YOU to honor your closest friends, not for THEM to be your wedding bitches. 

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:14cbaf32-4684-4094-9b9c-226406f77477">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]Look, I've had MOH drama myself. Here is a link with what everyone in the wedding party is supposed to do. You do the rest unless you ask your mother to do it because that's just more appropriate. It'd be better for you to meet with DJs and read online reviews because she may have a different taste in musicians than you. Also, unless she offered to help with a specific offhand task, don't assign it. Good luck with figuring out what needs done. <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/wedding-party-glossary.aspx">http://wedding.theknot.com/groom-groomsmen/groomsmen-guide/articles/wedding-party-glossary.aspx</a>
Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE]

Never take etiquette advice from people trying to sell you something.  The Knot and the rest of the wedding industry have no interest in making sure that you still have relationships with these people after the wedding; on the contrary, they do everything they can to make you think of the wedding as The End so you'll throw as much money at it as possible. It's no good for their bottom line for someone to realize that life goes on and that their actions have consequences long after the party's done.  Put your faith in those lists at your own peril.

Armada21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:d4b574e9-f3e6-4c9c-89ec-6377aad6942c">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Drama : That link is full of crap.  The only thing bridesmaids and MOHs are supposed to do is get the dress and show up on the day of, preferrably clean and sober.  That's it.  The point of having a bridal party is for YOU to honor your closest friends, not for THEM to be your wedding bitches. 
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

No one said anything about being wedding bitches. It's a guide for what needs done and ways to split up duties if offered. It's good to have your friends there for you on/before your day. There's a LOT that goes into planning a wedding and it's nice to have close friends around so they can offer ideas and support. No one said they have to, but it definitely makes things go smoother and sometimes your friends can offer ideas that maybe you hadn't thought of. What's the point in having a bridal party if they can't even be there for you during all of that hectic planning? No one said they HAD to do anything, but SOME people like to have a bachelorette party and such with their friends and members of their bridal party.

Armada21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:71fe676f-aad1-4b09-b997-e744164207ed">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Drama : Never take etiquette advice from people trying to sell you something.  The Knot and the rest of the wedding industry have no interest in making sure that you still have relationships with these people after the wedding; on the contrary, they do everything they can to make you think of the wedding as The End so you'll throw as much money at it as possible. It's no good for their bottom line for someone to realize that life goes on and that their actions have consequences long after the party's done.  Put your faith in those lists at your own peril.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

No one said you had to do EVERYTHING on that link. It's a guide and good start for some things that need done. There's no need to throw every penny into a wedding. I think receiving ideas and support from your bridemaids and MOH are extremely important when planning your wedding. If all I wanted was for people to show up, I would've just sent them an invitation to the wedding.

rsanna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:4a52c2e3-a039-4467-a215-76292cb52da3">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Drama : No one said anything about being wedding bitches. It's a guide for what needs done and ways to split up duties if offered. It's good to have your friends there for you on/before your day. There's a LOT that goes into planning a wedding and it's nice to have close friends around so they can offer ideas and support. No one said they have to, but it definitely makes things go smoother and sometimes your friends can offer ideas that maybe you hadn't thought of. What's the point in having a bridal party if they can't even be there for you during all of that hectic planning? No one said they HAD to do anything, but SOME people like to have a bachelorette party and such with their friends and members of their bridal party.
Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE] <div>
</div><div>[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Drama : No one said you had to do EVERYTHING on that link. It's a guide and good start for some things that need done. There's no need to throw every penny into a wedding. I think receiving ideas and support from your bridemaids and MOH are extremely important when planning your wedding. If all I wanted was for people to show up, I would've just sent them an invitation to the wedding.<div>Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>You are missing the point.  So, so much.  What you are saying (in non-wedding terms) equates to asking your friends to help you with YOUR work at YOUR job that YOU choose to accept.  Because there is a lot that goes into working and having friends to help you do your work at your job makes things go smoother. I'm sorry the only reason you have friends is so you can use them and do things for you.   I have friends I genuinely care about and would never expect them to help me do anything.

</div></div>

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:4a52c2e3-a039-4467-a215-76292cb52da3">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Drama : No one said you had to do EVERYTHING on that link. It's a guide and good start for some things that need done. There's no need to throw every penny into a wedding. I think receiving ideas and support from your bridemaids and MOH are extremely important when planning your wedding. If all I wanted was for people to show up, I would've just sent them an invitation to the wedding.
Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE]
You don't need support to plan a wedding.  You need support to get through a terminal illness or losing a spouse or surviving a natural disaster.  A wedding is a happy time, and it's just a six hour party.  If you need moral and emotional support for that, you're doing it wrong.<div>
</div><div>You don't ask your bridesmaids so that they can help you plan your wedding.  You ask them to honor your close friendship and to let them know that they're the most important people in your lives.  </div><div>
</div><div>Here's a hint: Most of the people advocating going this way are already married, and most of us are still on pretty good terms with our attendants, specifically because we took a low-key approach.  How many people who stubbornly stick to an industry-produced checklist to determine if their friends are worthy can really say the same?</div>

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:88a0b5b5-5fe8-42b6-92c8-370febc65245">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Drama : <strong>You don't need support to plan a wedding.  You need support to get through a terminal illness or losing a spouse or surviving a natural disaster.  A wedding is a happy time, and it's just a six hour party.  If you need moral and emotional support for that, you're doing it wrong.</strong> You don't ask your bridesmaids so that they can help you plan your wedding.  You ask them to honor your close friendship and to let them know that they're the most important people in your lives.   Here's a hint: Most of the people advocating going this way are already married, and most of us are still on pretty good terms with our attendants, specifically because we took a low-key approach.  How many people who stubbornly stick to an industry-produced checklist to determine if their friends are worthy can really say the same?
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

ITA with everything here, especially the bolded part. I clicked on the link with the list of "duties" just out of curiosity, and I shuddered several times. The best man is supposed to make sure the groom gets to the ceremony on time? The MOH is supposed to remind the bride how beautiful she looks on a regular basis? Think about how ridiculous these requirements would be on any other occasion for any other reason. Would you expect your best friend to make sure you got to work on time? Would you be upset if your best friend didn't frequently tell you how pretty you are? So then why does the groom become an incapable tardy mess on your wedding day, and why is the bride suddenly so insecure and needy?

Really, if you aren't capable of planning and throwing a six-hour party without "moral support" and delegating tasks to people who are busy with their own lives, you have no business throwing a wedding.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:5c32acfd-34a4-4dc7-bf0e-f0bed649cdd9">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Drama : No one said anything about being wedding bitches. It's a guide for what needs done and ways to split up duties if offered. It's good to have your friends there for you on/before your day. There's a LOT that goes into planning a wedding and it's nice to have close friends around so they can offer ideas and support. No one said they have to, but it definitely makes things go smoother and sometimes your friends can offer ideas that maybe you hadn't thought of. <strong>What's the point in having a bridal party if they can't even be there for you during all of that hectic planning? </strong>No one said they HAD to do anything, but SOME people like to have a bachelorette party and such with their friends and members of their bridal party.
Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE]
I already answered that - the point is for you to honor them.  That's it. 

gurrlballa10

Armada, WTF? You are 100 wrong. If you need that much help planning your wedding, hire an effing coordinator. Otherwise treat your friends like friends and plan your own damn wedding.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:bdd24464-1f28-4b69-ab27-3c2c7a43be59">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]If the bridesmaids OFFER to help, then I don't see there being a problem in letting them help. Getting married IS a happy time. Most of mine are throwing ideas at me when I hadn't even asked and when almost everything has  already been taken care of besides the dresses. It's nice to have the input because maybe to them they enjoy weddings and the planning process. The original post with the link (that was on this site) was for someone who was obviously handing out duties.
Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE]

No one's going to disagree that it's fine to take people up on it if they offer to do more.  But a bride should absolutely, under no circumstances, <em>expect</em> that they will do more than get the outfit and show up, and should be appreciative and grateful for anything more than that, recognizing that it is indeed above and beyond.  A bride getting upset that they're not doing more than the bare minimum is out of line, plain and simple.  Attendants should do the extra stuff because they genuinely want to help, not because they're compelled to check stuff off the list or they don't want to deal with a temper tantrum from the bride.

There's a lot of stuff on the site proper that people on the boards disagree with.  The site proper is out to make money, the people who post here are not.  And again, the people advocating the low-key approach have taken it ourselves and have seen how much easier it made things. I was certainly happy to have a few of my attendants falling all over themselves to bounce around ideas and help with DIY, but I didn't hold it against the ones that didn't, so the entire process was pretty much painless and pleasant.  Lists of duties just manufacture drama where there doesn't need to be any.

Armada21

I never said it was something that was expected. Yes, it was a link from on this site. The original post was about a MOH being "useless". I was just trying to offer a basic link from a site everyone on here is using. Yes, I am well aware that there are ridiculous expectations on there, but if someone uses that link as gospel then it's on them. As far as the MOH, I've seen and heard many different things from recent weddings. Also, I wouldn't like to think of a wedding as going to work. So, making references to making sure you're at work on time is not even in the same category. From my own experience, my bridesmaids are jumping at the opportunity to offer ideas and extra help. Again, I didn't make them feel it was expected nor do I get upset if someone else isn't doing the same or as much since I like to plan things myself.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:677955e8-0505-4d0c-89f3-ac6853c2b8a2">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I never said it was something that was expected</strong> . Yes, it was a link from on this site. The original post was about a MOH being "useless". I was just trying to offer a basic link from a site everyone on here is using. Yes, I am well aware that there are ridiculous expectations on there, but if someone uses that link as gospel then it's on them. As far as the MOH, I've seen and heard many different things from recent weddings. Also, I wouldn't like to think of a wedding as going to work. So, making references to making sure you're at work on time is not even in the same category. From my own experience, my bridesmaids are jumping at the opportunity to offer ideas and extra help. Again, I didn't make them feel it was expected nor do I get upset if someone else isn't doing the same or as much since I like to plan things myself.
Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE]
*ahem*

<strong>Here is a link with what everyone in the wedding party is supposed to do.

</strong>If you really thought that there was some kind of caveat necessary there, you mysteriously neglected to mention it in your first post.  No matter how much you backpedal, you're not going to get less wrong, so you might as well stop.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:677955e8-0505-4d0c-89f3-ac6853c2b8a2">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]I never said it was something that was expected . Yes, it was a link from on this site. The original post was about a MOH being "useless". I was just trying to offer a basic link from a site everyone on here is using. Yes, I am well aware that there are ridiculous expectations on there, but if someone uses that link as gospel then it's on them. As far as the MOH, I've seen and heard many different things from recent weddings. <strong>Also, I wouldn't like to think of a wedding as going to work. So, making references to making sure you're at work on time is not even in the same category.</strong> From my own experience, my bridesmaids are jumping at the opportunity to offer ideas and extra help. Again, I didn't make them feel it was expected nor do I get upset if someone else isn't doing the same or as much since I like to plan things myself.
Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE]

Take things literally much?

What I am trying to say is that you shouldn't depend on your BP for help with your wedding any more than you would count on them for everyday things. Do you hope that if you needed emotional support, your best friends would be there? Of course. But you shouldn't need "emotional support" to get through the planning of a party that <em>you're choosing to have</em>. If tying bows on favors is too much for you to handle, don't have favors. If calling DJs is going to stress you out, play a freakin' iPod. It's a bride's choice to make the wedding as complicated and simple as she wants it to be. For example, FI and I chose to address our own invitations rather than hiring a calligrapher because we knew we could handle it on our own. If we couldn't, we wouldn't draft our BP to do it for us, we would hire someone. Just like if we couldn't handle getting our laundry done, we'd have it sent out rather than calling my sister to come fold clothes. Yes, I understand what you're saying about a wedding being a special set of circumstances that only happens once, but again, you're <em>choosing</em> to make it that way.

Armada21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:5025afe8-2ce7-485e-a6a2-64ab98ef1dbd">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Drama : *ahem* Here is a link with what everyone in the wedding party is supposed to do. If you really thought that there was some kind of caveat necessary there, you <strong>mysteriously neglected to mention it in your first post</strong>.  No matter how much you backpedal, you're not going to get less wrong, so you might as well stop.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

There's nothing mysterious about me not mentioning it in my first post. I mentioned it in all the posts after. I put a link from the website everyone on here is using, but again, it's not something that needs to be followed exactly. There's a lot on this website that doesn't need followed exactly or at all. It's a good starting point. Period.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:9455026c-92ad-42cd-8b6c-a6c0d6132832">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Drama : There's nothing mysterious about me not mentioning it in my first post. I mentioned it in all the posts after. <strong>I put a link from the website everyone on here is using,</strong> but again, it's not something that needs to be followed exactly. There's a lot on this website that doesn't need followed exactly or at all. It's a good starting point. Period.
Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE]

Everyone here is not reading the articles from the official website.  Some people on the boards have never even looked at them.  You seem to think that our presence here means that we implicitly agree with every single page on the domain, but you are very, very much incorrect in that. 

And again, if you really felt that it should only be a starting point rather than a comprehensive list, you should have said that to start off with.  Failing to do so made your first post straight-up bad advice, and your insistance on defending that bad advice even as you try to pretend that you really meant just the opposite is frankly bizarre.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:9455026c-92ad-42cd-8b6c-a6c0d6132832">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Drama : There's nothing mysterious about me not mentioning it in my first post. I mentioned it in all the posts after. I put a link from the website everyone on here is using, but again, it's not something that needs to be followed exactly. There's a lot on this website that doesn't need followed exactly or at all.<strong> It's a good starting point. Period.</strong>
Posted by Armada21[/QUOTE]

I think it's a terrible starting point. Brides shouldn't start off their planning thinking that wedding parties were invented so the bride could have people to hoist work onto. This is why we get brides on TK complaining that their parents haven't offered to pay for the wedding yet, or the MOH missed a dress fitting. Expecting these things from the start will inevitably lead to disappointment when your BMs end up doing "nothing."

Carson386

It's not her responsibility to do anything other than get the dress and show up to the wedding. If she offered to help with thing, ok then. But to just expect them to do things because you tell them/as them to... that's not ok. I have one BM that lives 3 hours away, I understand she can't do much. I have another BM with small kids, another in college and another in high school. THey have lives, I'm not going to expect them to do anything. If the girls offer to help, then that's great and you might feel better.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:1c87b8f9-f8bb-4883-bc63-85b30410de3e">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not her responsibility to do anything other than get the dress and show up to the wedding. If she offered to help with thing, ok then. But to just expect them to do things because you tell them/as them to... that's not ok. I have one BM that lives 3 hours away, I understand she can't do much. I have another BM with small kids, another in college and another in high school. THey have lives, I'm not going to expect them to do anything. If the girls offer to help, then that's great and you might feel better.
Posted by Carson386[/QUOTE]

Exactly this. All of my BMs are extremely busy with kids, grad school, full time jobs, husbands, etc. I knew what their lives were like when I asked them to be BMs, but it doesn't matter, because I only asked them because I want them standing by my side during the ceremony. Anything else is extra, but FI and I have been planning to do everything ourselves, so there is no disappointment that my BMs haven't been banging down the door asking when they can help write out escort cards.

Think about what weddings were like forty years ago. Most couples got married without elaborate receptions, huge showers, b-parties in Vegas, favors, DJs, and all this other stuff we've come to think of as "essential." There were no DJs to research when my mom got married in the 70s. Literally all her bridesmaids did was buy the dress they chose together and show up wearing it on the day of the wedding. The definition of "bridesmaid" has changed to accommodate the wedding industry's desire to make you feel like you <em>have </em>to spend money on all kinds of unnecessary things.

reignbows_92

ok. let me re-explain since i don't think anyone gets what I am saying.

~I am NOT from around here. Where I live, there are NOT a lot of advertised DJ's. I have only been to one event with a DJ in this state.  I DID NOT ask my maid of honor to CHOSE the DJ, I asked her to help me get some phone numbers. I didn't ask her to call,chose, or pay. ( As maid of honor, it is very nice to let the bride know that you will help with whatever you can, and make suggestions for certain areas where you feel you could contribute. This could entail anything from helping decide what flowers to use or making phone calls to addressing invitations or running errands. Be as helpful as you comfortably can.

 Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks, from addressing invites to choosing the wedding colors and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about wedding cake.

Read more: Maid of Honor: Her Duties in Detail – Bridesmaid Mother of the Bride – Bridesmaids http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz246VaCzwq so not it is not out of my bounds, as I am just asking for a little help with it).

~I NEVER said that they had to buy specific shoes and pay for them, so don't make assumptions. The only specific thing about the shoes is that they are to be red. heel, material, all that is up to them.

~I NEVER said that the accessories I am buying them are part of their gifts...and I never said that everyone was going to match totally, and even if I did want that, who are you to say it looks stupid???
~Yea, I might talk about the wedding frequently, but it is with one of the other bridesmaids...the one who always brings it up. I have only talk to the maid of honor about it a few times, and whenever we make plans she cancels last minute. I have seen her 3 times since the date was set and we talked about the wedding once in those 3 times. 
~Don't try to tell me to make my fiance help, considering he is working 2 jobs, helping me plan the wedding, and he and I are paying for it alone. Pretty sure one of my friends can help with one little task, which is getting me some phone numbers.

Make a little more sense now?

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-drama-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:07d2cc35-2ffb-491a-8b19-af0e59dc7e01Post:7fb7a5db-9b2f-45f2-85af-015e7d21d8be">Re: MOH Drama</a>:
[QUOTE]ok. let me re-explain since i don't think anyone gets what I am saying. ~I am NOT from around here. Where I live, there are NOT a lot of advertised DJ's. I have only been to one event with a DJ in this state.  I DID NOT ask my maid of honor to CHOSE the DJ, I asked her to help me get some phone numbers. I didn't ask her to call,chose, or pay. (   As maid of honor, it is very nice to let the bride know that you will help with whatever you can, and make suggestions for certain areas where you feel you could contribute. This could entail anything from helping decide what flowers to use or making phone calls to addressing invitations or running errands. Be as helpful as you comfortably can.   Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks, from addressing invites to  choosing the wedding colors  and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about  wedding cake . Read more:  Maid of Honor: Her Duties in Detail – Bridesmaid Mother of the Bride – Bridesmaids   <a href="http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz246VaCzwq">http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/bridesmaids/articles/maid-of-honor-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz246VaCzwq</a>  so not it is not out of my bounds, as I am just asking for a little help with it). ~I NEVER said that they had to buy specific shoes and pay for them, so don't make assumptions. The only specific thing about the shoes is that they are to be red. heel, material, all that is up to them. ~I NEVER said that the accessories I am buying them are part of their gifts...and I never said that everyone was going to match totally, and even if I did want that, who are you to say it looks stupid??? ~Yea, I might talk about the wedding frequently, but it is with one of the other bridesmaids...the one who always brings it up. I have only talk to the maid of honor about it a few times, and whenever we make plans she cancels last minute. I have seen her 3 times since the date was set and we talked about the wedding once in those 3 times.  ~Don't try to tell me to make my fiance help, considering he is working 2 jobs, helping me plan the wedding, and he and I are paying for it alone. Pretty sure one of my friends can help with one little task, which is getting me some phone numbers. Make a little more sense now?
Posted by reignbows_92[/QUOTE]

If you're referring to the list of duties from The Knot, you're still not getting it. We're telling you that you believing that list is what's causing your problems, not your friend.  If you're really willing to sacrifice a friendship because a magazine tells you she's not being enough free labor for you, I don't know that any of us can help you, or that she's really benefited from keeping you in her life. Maybe it's better for you to kick her out so she can see what kind of friend you really are.

I planned my entire wedding from out of town, and didn't even see the venue until 24 hours before the ceremony.  Suck it up and deal.  There are lots of resources online, or hire a planner if you can't figure it out.

reignbows_92

I asked her to do me one favor. ONE FAVOR. Not a list or something hard. All I needed is a few numbers. 

AND I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT KICKING HER OUT. I just feel it was a mistake making her maid of honor, I don't feel it was a mistake making her a bridesmaid. 

I'm stressed out, I need some help from a friend, and she won't even talk to me, at least not about the wedding. She'll talk about her and her bf trying to find a house to buy (which he has admitted is her idea, not his), but she won't talk with me about my wedding. How helpful is that? She isn't even there for a little bit of support. 

Apparently no one is understanding what I am saying no matter how many times I explain it. I want just a little help from her, talking or getting me some phone numbers. that's it. 

Then I have a bridemaid who is constantly asking when we are going shopping for stuff, when we are looking at dresses, and wants to help me with everything. 

I feel like I made a mistake on who is maid of honor. NOT that I want to kick someone out of the bridal party.