Wedding Party Re-order Question

guardiangel6386

My MOH just stepped down 1 1/2 weeks before my wedding.she said it's because she can't deal with it right now,which I get.She has been dealing with major depression the last six months and I want her well not more stressed over this.Anyway I want to ask one of my other bridesmaids,my future sister in law to be my Matron of Honor since my MOH stepped down. Is this proper and what would be a creative way to ask?

Maggie0829

Do not replace your MOH.  Replacing her would not only make her feel replaceable and hurt her feelings it will also make her replacement feel second best.

Keep everything as is and just don't have a MOH.

guardiangel6386

I get that it could cause hurt feelings,but even Marie*(not her real name) says that my FSIL has been a better MOH than she has been.She has been absentee long before she officially stepped down.The only reason Marie was asked over my FSIL was b/c I didnt know her very well at the time.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-re-order-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b4f9ca-6067-4071-9780-7f6d3bbdae65Post:e0dc5c68-1f36-4cf1-9f0d-c326b029bda4">Wedding Party Re-order Question</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH just stepped down 1 1/2 weeks before my wedding.she said it's because she can't deal with it right now,which I get.She has been dealing with major depression the last six months and I want her well not more stressed over this.Anyway I want to ask one of my other bridesmaids,my future sister in law to be my Matron of Honor since my MOH stepped down. Is this proper and what would be a creative way to ask?
Posted by guardiangel6386[/QUOTE]

No, it's not proper.  It tells your MOH that she's replaceable in your life and your FSIL that she's a second choice.  Leave things as they are.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-re-order-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b4f9ca-6067-4071-9780-7f6d3bbdae65Post:460cad10-9862-4f3e-92cc-811866c4e335">Re: Wedding Party Re-order Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I get that it could cause hurt feelings,but even Marie*(not her real name) says that my FSIL has been a better MOH than she has been.She has been absentee long before she officially stepped down.The only reason Marie was asked over my FSIL was b/c I didnt know her very well at the time.
Posted by guardiangel6386[/QUOTE]

How has she been a better MOH?  An MOH is suppose to be your nearest and dearest,  not someone who can help plan or organize your wedding.

guardiangel6386

Well Marie was my nearest and dearest till about January,so even before I got engaged our friendship was strained.I asked her more out of obligation cuz we have been friends for over 16 yrs so it seemed what was supposed to be done,but we barely speak anymore.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-re-order-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b4f9ca-6067-4071-9780-7f6d3bbdae65Post:1fcc2dcc-ef7b-4d7a-85fd-69c98939c232">Re: Wedding Party Re-order Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Well Marie was my nearest and dearest till about January,so even before I got engaged our friendship was strained.I asked her more out of obligation cuz we have been friends for over 16 yrs so it seemed what was supposed to be done,but we barely speak anymore.
Posted by guardiangel6386[/QUOTE]

Well your reasoning behind why you picked her was a poor one.  But that ship has sailed.  I still don't think you should "promote" someone to MOH though.  Just because you and "Marie" may not be as close as you used to be does not mean that replacing her won't hurt her feelings and the feelings of the replacement.

Summer2011Bride

You picked her as your MOH, even if you feel you shouldn't have. You can't change that now. You certainly do NOT replace her. That makes her feel crappy (no matter what she says) because you're telling her she is replacaeable in your eyes. It also makes the "replacer" feel crappy because they were only "good enough" to be MOH when someone else dropped out. My H has been in that position before and said these exact words to me. Just leave your WP as is.

guardiangel6386

I'm not trying to replace anyone and I have told Marie several times that she is not a bad MOH she just has alot on her plate and its bad timing.I want to ask my FSIL to be my Matron of Honor d/t the fact that she has become a good and close friend over the past few months. She has been very helpful and not in a great planner/organizer kinda way. She has been someone to talk to,to share ideas with and someone who puts up with my rants when I have gotten a little stressed. I only want to reconginise this thats all.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-re-order-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b4f9ca-6067-4071-9780-7f6d3bbdae65Post:df8a5080-d636-4e0b-b6dd-5aa131484d35">Re: Wedding Party Re-order Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not trying to replace anyone and I have told Marie several times that she is not a bad MOH she just has alot on her plate and its bad timing.I want to ask my FSIL to be my Matron of Honor d/t the fact that she has become a good and close friend over the past few months. She has been very helpful and not in a great planner/organizer kinda way. She has been someone to talk to,to share ideas with and someone who puts up with my rants when I have gotten a little stressed. I only want to reconginise this thats all.
Posted by guardiangel6386[/QUOTE]

So take her out to lunch and tell her what a great friend she's become and how much you value your relationship with her.  But changing around arbitrary titles at the last minute is just inviting all kinds of drama and heartache.  Leave the WP as is.

guardiangel6386

Ok so how would you "line-up" everyone when you have two bridesmaids and a bridesman that calls himself the "gay of honor" his words not mine.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-re-order-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b4f9ca-6067-4071-9780-7f6d3bbdae65Post:18cef7b9-1c3f-4c14-82ea-f105b0575b9b">Re: Wedding Party Re-order Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so how would you "line-up" everyone when you have two bridesmaids and a bridesman that calls himself the "gay of honor" his words not mine.
Posted by guardiangel6386[/QUOTE]

Flip a coin?  The order that they're standing in doesn't really matter that much.  If you're not having a MOH, you can have one standing closest to you, another holding the rings, and a third signing the license, or something like that. 

For us, we sorted out the order that they'd be standing in about 3 hours before the ceremony started, it's a pretty minor detail.  The plan had actually been to just sort it out right before we walked, but we figured out a logic to it while we were waiting to leave on the photo tour and rolled with that.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-re-order-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b4f9ca-6067-4071-9780-7f6d3bbdae65Post:51b0d997-d87f-4aa3-adef-60c3e4446aaf">Re: Wedding Party Re-order Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding Party Re-order Question : So take her out to lunch and tell her what a great friend she's become and how much you value your relationship with her.  But changing around arbitrary titles at the last minute is just inviting all kinds of drama and heartache.  Leave the WP as is.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

I agree with this 100%.  Titles are arbitrary.  Naming your FSIL MOH will not make her feel important and special but out right telling her what an amazing friend she has become will.

As for who stands where, like PP said flip a coin, pull names out of a hat, have them fight for a spot, etc.  Where they stand has no meaning on how important each and everyone of the individuals are to you.

Summer2011Bride

As for their order, it could be something completely arbitrary, like tallest to shortest. You could ask them to just line up and see where they end up standing. It really isn't a big deal, and says nothing about who you value most to least.

QueerFemme

anyone else get the feelling like she is gonna ask FSIL anyway?

polichik

I had my BMs stand in alphabetical order by first names. I was worried about hurt feelings from one girl in particular, and this avoided it. Easy peasy.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-re-order-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b4f9ca-6067-4071-9780-7f6d3bbdae65Post:79fe57d4-a2ef-4263-8ba9-72b1ea6d007c">Re: Wedding Party Re-order Question</a>:
[QUOTE]anyone else get the feelling like she is gonna ask FSIL anyway?
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

I completely believe that she will ask her FSIL no matter what we told her.  It seems like she made up her mind the moment she wrote her post and it seems like she just wanted some validation for her decision.

emeejeeayen

It's fine as long as you're cool saying,

guardiangel6386

I will admit I am very stubborn and yes I was planning on asking her anyway.However,the more I thought about the more I realized that it seemed like i was making excuses? Anyway I've decided I'm going to ask her to witness the liscence and I'm debating asking if she would simply be the attendant that stood by my side and let the other two fall in behind her. Thank you for the tips,even if I am hard headed lol  

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_wedding-party-re-order-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:09b4f9ca-6067-4071-9780-7f6d3bbdae65Post:460cad10-9862-4f3e-92cc-811866c4e335">Re: Wedding Party Re-order Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I get that it could cause hurt feelings,but even Marie*(not her real name) says that my FSIL has been a better MOH than she has been.She has been absentee long before she officially stepped down.The only reason Marie was asked over my FSIL was b/c I didnt know her very well at the time.
Posted by guardiangel6386[/QUOTE]

So you'd be willing to validate your MOH's feelings of inadequacy probably brought on by her major depression?  You'd only be hurting her by doing this.