best friend/roommate/BM rant

FutureMrsBoucher

So, is it sad that this is my first post and the first thing that I post is a rant about one of my BM? *sigh*

Anyway, this girl has been one of my dearest and closest friends for the past 3+ years. She has been with me through some extremely tough stuff and I have tried to do the same for her. We have so many things in common, too. 

Unfortunately, one of the things that we do NOT have in common is wedding preferences. I am very traditional, classic and simple, while she is very modern, flashy and fashion-forward. Also, she is a very opinionated person. So whenever I start to talk to her about wedding plans/ideas, she immediately shoots them down and says, "Oh, this way would be so much better!" I know she is only trying to help, but that is not my style, and basically she is trying to get me to make it like how she would want HER wedding. So I kind of just stopped talking to her about wedding plans.

We are also roommates, and have been since August. Sharing a house has been wonderful, and I love our little place. I did do all the work in finding the place, because I already lived in the area and she was about 3 1/2 hours away. Anyway, I would really love to stay in this place once FH and I are married, but I cannot just kick her out. So about a week ago, I sat down with her and said, "I know we both love this place, so please let me know soon what your plans are after FH and I get married; whether you want to stay here or otherwise. You don't have to tell me right away, but if you could just let me know within the next few weeks so that if FH and I need to, we can start looking for a new place." She seemed fine, and we even made some jokes about it, but now she barely talks to me at all. None of my other friends are acting weird, they say I haven't changed at all since the engagement, but this particular friend, who is also supposed to be a BM, has a hard time handling change. I've tried to spend time with her to let her know that I still value her friendship as much now as ever, but she doesn't want to. 

what to do???

bablingbrooke

1. Good to just stop talking about wedding planning with her.  I'm sure she's just trying to help, but I think you've done the best thing you can in just not talking about it.  That way she can't rain on your parade.

2.  I think she's just being faced with a big change.  Not only is her friend getting married, but that decision means that she has to move out.  Remember that "Friends" episode where Chandler moves in with Monica and as a result Rachel has to move out?  She drags her feet and doesn't even start packing until the night before she has to leave, and even then halfway through she stops and declares that she's not leaving?  It's a rough transition!  It doesn't mean she isn't happy for you.  And while your other friends haven't changed, the fact is your marriage is impacting her life more than it is anyone else's because she feels like you're kicking her out.

Give her some time.  There is a glut of properties on the market (rental and otherwise) and unless you're getting married next month, you have some time to sort things out.  Give a month or so to let this all sink in.  Then have a discussion.  Since you were already living there I am inclined to think that her moving out isn't a totally unreasonable request, but at the same time when a couple gets married it's equally expected that they will move out and start a life together in a new home.   You may have to decide what is more important--the friendship or the house.  I would think that it would be fun to start your marriage in a new home that you can call yours, but that's just me.

emilyinchile

Brooke has good advice (hi, by the way!).

Just talk to her - she's one of your best friends, right? Don't say make it wedding-related ("so, ever since wedding stuff came up you've been weird, what's up?") just let her know that you've noticed she's seemed kind of different lately, and you as her friend want to know what's going on. Hopefully she'll be able to talk to you about whatever it is - and I agree with Brooke, even if you've handled the situation well, she's probably bummed about not living with you, stressed about moving and may not realize that you guys have different styles and think you're just really against all her "great" ideas.

banana468

I think Brooke hit the nail on the head on the two main points.

Don't run wedding planning ideas by her.  If she asks, make things matter of fact: 

"This is what we're doing."

not

"We're thinking of doing this."


And understand that by telling her about the change in her living situation, that's a lot to process.  It may take some time but she may be going through some sadness while you're so happy.  Just keep talking to her and make sure that she knows she has you as a friend.

CTGirl30

Yes, good call on reigning in the discussion of wedding plans with her. Sounds like you two have very different styles so it's probably best to keep your planning ideas between you and FI or with other friends who have more similar tastes and wouldn't be so inclined to shoot down your ideas.

Anyway, I would really love to stay in this place once FH and I are married, but I cannot just kick her out.

I think it's natural to feel a little guilt here - it sounds like you're the type of friend who really takes to heart the feelings of otehrs and that you try to be a very good friend. Rest assured, though, that you aren't kicking her out if you and FI decided to stay in the house once you marry. You are letting her know in advance what may be happening and giving her time to plan for her own living situation if she does need to move out. This is being considerate and keeping the lines of communication open among friends. It was probably a tough conversation to have, but kudos to you for having it now.

Give her a little time - her life is being impacted in several ways...she's losing a roomate and possibly her current home. Your friendship is shifting (not in a bad way, just in a different way since you'll be a married woman soon who will be living with her husband - not a single woman living with a girlfriend as a housemate). There might be a little mourning going on for her with that stuff...doesn't mean she isn't happy for you as her friend - just means she might need a little time to process these changes and how they're affecting her. Just be sure to keep making time to do things together (non-wedding related) and reassure her that you'll still be friends even though life is changing for you.

FutureMrsBoucher

Thanks everyone! Especially Brooke... I'm glad that you guys don't think I'm being a total meanie about no talking to her about the wedding stuff. That makes me feel better about that...

I know it's a lot to process, which is why I said let us know soon, but not now. I didn't even make it an issue about staying in the house. Yes, it's my desire, because it would be perfect for us and I love the place, but I didn't bring that up. I simply said that if she wants to stay there, just to let us know so we can start looking elsewhere. I tried to make it as much of NOT kicking her out as possible. I don't want her to feel that way, I want her to know that the house is just as much hers as it is mine, and I'm giving her the decision. But she probably still took it as me kicking her out. /:

I really appreciate the advice... I'm hoping that we have a chance to sit down and talk soon, just as friends, because I really love her and don't want to lose this friendship. I have tried to talk to her, just hang out as a friend, see if anything is wrong, and she just says that everything is fine. We're both students, her a nursing student, I'm a business student and I work full time, too, so we're both SUPER busy. I'm just sad that she's sad and that I can't really share wedding stuff with her.

krmabojo

So would you want her living with you and your FH at the same time?

I would advise againt living with someone else after you get married. You are going to want that alone time and have that fresh start. Trust me.

You need to give her some time; you are asking her to pack up and leave within a certain amount of time. A few weeks is pretty fast. You should have talked about ti sooner.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendroommatebm-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0af331c6-8b2e-4120-a953-cc549789ebc0Post:67ba1aba-c3fb-4e9b-bda9-d53692d21ce9">Re: best friend/roommate/BM rant</a>:
[QUOTE]So would you want her living with you and your FH at the same time? I would advise againt living with someone else after you get married. You are going to want that alone time and have that fresh start. Trust me. You need to give her some time; you are asking her to pack up and leave within a certain amount of time. A few weeks is pretty fast. You should have talked about ti sooner.
Posted by krmabojo[/QUOTE]

I understand that OP is asking the roommate whether she wants to stay in the house (OP and FI move out) or leave (OP and FI stay). Living together isn't mentioned.

And OP's wedding isn't for 8 months, I think that's plenty of time for the roommate to figure out what she'd like to do and find a new place if necessary...I don't know where you got the idea of it being only a few weeks.

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friendroommatebm-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0af331c6-8b2e-4120-a953-cc549789ebc0Post:fe7bcf39-b607-4b4e-8902-e044658e01e9">Re: best friend/roommate/BM rant</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't even make it an issue about staying in the house. Yes, it's my desire, because it would be perfect for us and I love the place, but I didn't bring that up. I simply said that if she wants to stay there, just to let us know so we can start looking elsewhere. I tried to make it as much of NOT kicking her out as possible. I don't want her to feel that way, I want her to know that the house is just as much hers as it is mine, and I'm giving her the decision. 
Posted by FutureMrsBoucher[/QUOTE]<div>
<span style="color:#000000;font-family:'Times New Roman';font-size:medium;line-height:normal;" class="Apple-style-span"><div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-repeat:initial;background-attachment:initial;-webkit-background-clip:initial;-webkit-background-origin:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;">This happened to me when I was in college.  I was living in a great house off campus with one of my friends.  She got engaged, and we sat down to have the talk that you had with your roommate.<div>
</div><div>Even though she was saying "I don't care if you want to stay, just let me know" I could tell that she really expected me to move out.  You mentioned that you would really love to live in house and that is was perfect for you and FI.  Well, is there anyway that she knows this and despite you trying to be nice, she does feel like you are expecting her to move, thus feeling like she's being kicked out?</div><div>
</div><div>When I was going through it I expected the married couple to find somewhere else to live.  It was their decision to get married/move in or whatever and I failed to see why I had to move out (read, be punished) because they wanted to get married.  I wasn't involved in their decision to get married, I didn't have a say about when or where they were getting married, and I viewed the fact that she expected me to move on her timeline because of her decisions very insulting.</div><div>
</div><div>I would just let her keep the house and find somewhere else to live.</div></div></span></div>

FutureMrsBoucher

thanks again, everyone who has posted since the last time i checked! 

krmabojo there is no way i'd wait until the last minute! i asked her to give me an answer in a few weeks because we're getting married in october (8 months from now) and if we need to start looking, i want to start looking soon because he leaves for a full summer internship in may and i would like to have it settled before then.

duckie1905 i completely understand where you are coming from, and i don't blame her if that's the way she feels. however, either way she's going to have to find someone to either a) move in with her or b) to move in with. also, i don't particularly think i would be entirely unfair of asking her to find someplace else, because this was mine to begin with. i had the talk with her in the most loving, generous fashion and did not even hint at the fact i want to stay in this place. however much i love the house and the area, there are plenty of other places and if i need to move out, it's not that huge of a deal to me. i just need to know which way she wants it.

StageManager14 1. thank you for making me feel like less of a meanie [:

2. i have, and sadly it's been made an easy task for me, seeing as she barely talks to me anymore /: i am hoping that it is the fact that school just started back up and that she's just preoccupied, but she already has a hard time handling change... so i don't know. i just hope that i can figure out a way to let her know that i still love her just as much and i'm still her friend no matter what. all attempts thus far have failed.

DKC1308 i'm so sorry to hear that! i super hope that doesn't happen, and i super hope that your friendship is able to mend fully and everything works out for you. i agree, the transition can be difficult. i've had a good number of friends get engaged/married recently, and the dynamic of the friendship does change, but that doesn't make them any less friends.

banana468

Honestly, I would tell her that you'll absolutely start looking for a new place.

Yes, she SHOULD tell you if she wants to find a new place but in this instance, it's not about entitlement.  It's about being the bigger person here since the boat is going to be rocked by your actions.  Yes, these actions are all for doing something fantastic for your life, but that's sort of a 'take one for the team' deal that you do.  You say, "I'll find a new place," because unless the actual place is owned by you, it's kind of a nicer way of handling it.

You can't even really compare it to Friends because in that instance, it was an apartment owned by Monica's grandmother or at least leased by her.