MOH Problems

Emmikins

I asked the girl that has been my best friend (since third grade) to be my MOH. She was very excited, completely willing to help, etc.

Now she's saying that she most likely won't be able to attend, and has flaked on me as far as plans go.

Planning a wedding is hard enough, but to have your MOH flake on you makes it worse. It's like doing it completely alone.

Is there a way that I can confront her about this, without losing her friendship? Would it be improper to tell her that I no longer want "technical" MOH, but still want her on the party?

bablingbrooke

Planning is not her job.

Don't confront your friend.  Talk to your friend.  

Why can't she be in the wedding?  If it's because she doesn't want to be a wedding planner, she hasn't done anything wrong but may feel too much is being asked of her.  If it's for another reason, talk to her.  Sometimes people can't stop their lives for a friend's wedding, much as they might like to.  

Emmikins

She has no interest in anything to do with the wedding at all. I didn't ask her to help me plan every detail. I asked her to pick out bridesmaid dresses that she liked.

She said she may not be able to make it 'just because'. It's not like I'm getting married next week. She has over a year to plan a trip to come to the wedding. It's not lack of money or lack of time. It's more-so a lack of interest on her part.

gottahavashorti

Any other bridesmaids that do want input? 

You could just find a line with dresses within her price range that you'd be happy with, give her a color, length and maybe fabric, and tell her to buy what she wants within those criteria. 

Or just say "any dress in X color" and she can buy something off the rack up until the last minute if she wants to.

Another option is to ask her if she has any particular cuts/necklines that she loves or hates, choose a couple things that meet those criteria and let her choose from them.

aerinpegadrak

What plans is she flaking on?  All the MOH really has to do is get the dress and show up for the wedding.  Many will choose to do more, but it's not a requirement.

Has she always been flaky, or is this something new for her?  If she's always been flaky, then it's really unreasonable of you to expect her to suddenly be a paragon of responsibility for your wedding.  People don't change who they are when you get new jewelry.  If she's suddenly flaking on plans, perhaps there's something major going on in her life right now.  Or maybe she's just not into weddings, a lot of women aren't.

Why does she think she won't be able to attend?  Is it a job thing?  A school thing?  Especially in this economy, either of these trumps your wedding, sorry.  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to attend the wedding of one of my best friends, because I started a new job that same week.  FI wasn't able to attend that one because he couldn't get time off.  It doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it means she's fond of food and shelter.  Is it a financial thing?  Perhaps you can chip in to cover some of her costs.  She can still be listed on your program as your MOH whether she makes it or not, and another BM can perform her ceremonial duties (holding your bouquet, signing the license, etc). 

No one is obligated to plan your wedding except you and your FI.  If it's too much for you to handle, scale back or hire a planner.  The process is only as difficult as YOU make it.

Bottom line, demoting or booting a bridesmaid is a very public slight, and it's damn near impossible for the friendship to survive.  There is NO polite way to have that conversation.

gottahavashorti

Oh, and demoting her or asking if she wants to volunteer to be demoted are definitely improper.

bablingbrooke

Well there you go--your wedding is not only over a year away, it's almost 2 years away.  You don't need to pick out BM dresses yet.  You have over a year until you need to go shopping.  No one but you is excited yet.  It's too early.  Give her a break.

Again, talk to her.  Did something happen to her?  Is she upset with you?  Does she have a problem in her life?  Have you checked in with her how she's doing lately, or has it been all wedding, all the time?  I know I had to make a conscious effort not to talk about my wedding all the time.  Try that.  You may be bringing it up more than you realize.  

Just cool it on wedding stuff period for awhile.  I think you'll find she'll come back.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0f4324ca-1d53-43a1-b097-99ce80ba70c6Post:d1408fae-37d9-418c-abc0-949518e9af72">MOH Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked the girl that has been my best friend (since third grade) to be my MOH. She was very excited, completely willing to help, etc. Now she's saying that she most likely won't be able to attend, and has flaked on me as far as plans go. Planning a wedding is hard enough, but to have your MOH flake on you makes it worse. It's like doing it completely alone. Is there a way that I can confront her about this, without losing her friendship? Would it be improper to tell her that I no longer want "technical" MOH, but still want her on the party?
Posted by Emmikins[/QUOTE]

It isn't her job to help you plan anything.  The person you should be asking is your FI.  It's his wedding, not hers. 

If your ticker is correct, you have a year and 8 months until your wedding.  There is absolutely nothing for anyone to be doing right now.  It's about a year too early to be shopping for BM dresses.  You shouldn't even be asking anyone to be in your wedding until this time next year.  If you haven't asked anyone else, don't.  You cannot ask her to start looking for a dress that she won't wear for nearly 2 years.  That's ridiculous.  She could gain/lose weight, get pregnant, have a baby (actually 2), or a million other things between now and then.  She doesn't want to look for a dress because it's insanely too early.

She's probably "flaking" because she sees you getting all excited about a wedding that isn't happening for nearly 2 years, and thinks you've gone off the deep end.  Call her up, apologize for becoming wedding obsessed, promise her you won't talk to her about the wedding until it becomes reasonable (at least another year) and talk to her about what's going on in her life.  When she sees that you have not transformed into a bride nut, she will come around.

Emmikins

She's never been flaky before. I know that her parents pay for her schooling and she doesn't have a job. So it's neither of those. It just is insulting to me that she'd skip finals to go to Mexico, but cant take two days off to come to my wedding? Perhaps I may be taking things a bit too personally, but I wouldn't commit to being someone's MOH if I didn't think I'd be able to make it.

Also, I have a spare bedroom in my home that I offered to her so she wouldn't have to rent a hotel. And I informed her that if she needed help with transportation, it's not a problem for me.


As I said, it just seems to be lack of interest.

And you can stop telling me that "buy the dress and show up", I read the opening post to this form so I already know that.

aerinpegadrak

I took way too long to type that up, so I hadn't yet read your follow-ups.

If you've given her the chance to get input on the dresses and she doesn't care, that's her prerogative.  If, further down the line, she complains about the dress, you can remind her that she declined the chance to have a say.  (Do make sure you get her budget, even if she doesn't care about what it looks like.)  Or you can just let her choose her own dress within certain guidelines, and she can deal with it when she wants to.

Again, some women just don't care about weddings.  Before I got engaged, I would have willingly eaten ground glass before talking wedding stuff with someone.  It wasn't that I wasn't interested in my friends, any more than it would have been if I didn't want to talk with them about, say, fishing, sports, or any other subject that just doesn't interest me. 

Have you tried just not talking wedding with her?  To you, it's only a year away.  To her, it's still over a whole year away, and she probably doesn't understand why you're getting so caught up in it.  If she's being otherwise a good friend, then she's probably just not a wedding girl.  That's not a crime, and that doesn't mean that she shouldn't be your MOH.

aerinpegadrak

Wait, you're 20 months away?  There's not even anything for YOU to really be doing for another six months, let alone your attendants.  I understand being excited and wanting to get going right away, but you simply can't keep up the momentum that long.  You're going to burn out everyone, including yourself, way before the wedding date.

Emmikins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0f4324ca-1d53-43a1-b097-99ce80ba70c6Post:b4932093-c266-4d73-87fa-f0b19ffb0da4">Re: MOH Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to MOH Problems : It isn't her job to help you plan anything.  The person you should be asking is your FI.  It's his wedding, not hers.  If your ticker is correct, you have a year and 8 months until your wedding.  There is absolutely nothing for anyone to be doing right now.  It's about a year too early to be shopping for BM dresses.  You shouldn't even be asking anyone to be in your wedding until this time next year.  If you haven't asked anyone else, don't.  She's probably "flaking" because she sees you getting all exciting about a wedding that isn't happening for nearly 2 years, and thinks you've gone off the deep end.  Call her up, apologize for becoming wedding obsessed, promise her you won't talk to her about the wedding until it becomes reasonable (another year) and talk to her about what's going on in her life.  When she sees that you have not transformed into a nut, she will come around.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

All I did was ask her to be my MOH. And told her to start thinking of dresses she likes. Lengths and necklines. You make it sound like I'm obsessing over my wedding already, when really, I'm just trying to figure out a few things now, so I'm not yanking my hair out later.

I'm planning this wedding without a planner, and my future husband is not the planning type. Also I'm doing many things myself, because that's how I am. So I don't see a problem with gathering ideas and opinions now. It's not the only thing I talk about, so don't assume that.

bablingbrooke

Whether she cancels her finals to go to Mexico or not, you don't have dibs on what she does with her life.  Sorry.

Look, I get that you're recently engaged and excited.  You've seen movies and TV and magazines and want your BMs to be falling over themselves with excitement for you.  I felt the same way when I first got engaged.  But it's simply not realistic to expect that level of excitement for an event almost 2 years away.  I'm thrilled that I'll be graduating from law school in 15 months, and all my friends/BMs are thrilled too, but you don't see them freaking out all the time asking "what are you doing for graduation?" and "what do you want to do after" or anything like that.  It's too far away.  So is your wedding.

If you have a long engagement, you have to accept that people won't be excited yet.  And frankly if I had a friend getting married in almost two years and she kept saying "You have to buy a BM dress and here's when the wedding is and I want you to stay here and it's going to be this many days" and sound like she basically had the whole thing planned out already I'd say "Bloody hell, she's gone nuts" and back away myself.  Your mind will change 100 times in the next year alone about how you want the wedding to look.  Don't alienate people by focusing so much on the wedding that you've forgotten the friendship first.

bablingbrooke

You can't expect everyone else to be on your schedule with regard to planning.  It might make you feel more at ease to plan the outfits now, but to everyone else it will be a hassle.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:0f4324ca-1d53-43a1-b097-99ce80ba70c6Post:c888d6be-0dbf-4239-986f-f3fb6e527166">Re: MOH Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MOH Problems : All I did was ask her to be my MOH. And told her to start thinking of dresses she likes. Lengths and necklines. You make it sound like I'm obsessing over my wedding already, when really, I'm just trying to figure out a few things now, so I'm not yanking my hair out later. I'm planning this wedding without a planner, and my future husband is not the planning type. Also I'm doing many things myself, because that's how I am. So I don't see a problem with gathering ideas and opinions now. It's not the only thing I talk about, so don't assume that.
Posted by Emmikins[/QUOTE]

I read your blog.  Honey, you have jumped in head first.  And you are expecting her to be interested.  I would think something was wrong with her if she WAS very interested in someone else's wedding that far out.  It's really irrational to expect her to be anything more than happy for you right now.

We've all had a friend that got engaged and didn't think about anything except her wedding the whole time she was engaged.  It's obnoxious.  If you're asking her to start thinking about BM dresses this far out, she probably thinks you are turning into that girl.  Don't be that girl.

aerinpegadrak

All we can go by is what you type here.  So if we make it sound like you're being all wedding, all the time, it's because that's what YOU make it sound like, intentionally or not.  And honestly, you may not even notice how much you're talking about it.  It may be more than you realize.

I still stand by my previous assessment that she's probably not a wedding person, and will likely not want to talk about any aspect of the wedding, even as it gets closer.  If she's still your best friend, then that's all she needs to be your MOH, no matter what her feelings about weddings.  Once it starts getting closer, other, more wedding-inclined people will likely start showing an interest and be willing to talk about it as much as you want.  These boards, especially your local and club boards, are great for that.

Emmikins

Well, you all seem to be assuming that all I talk is wedding, all of the time, to all of my friends, when simply that is not the case.

I don't expect her to be excited, falling over herself, throwing away her time to be planning my wedding. But even a little interest at all would be nice. I guess it's hard to explain because I can't show any of you exactly what is happening.

And I don't want control of her life and scheduling, but I know that if she told me she was getting married next week, next month, or five years from now I'd make sure I was at that wedding. Because she's important to me, we've been friends for forever, and starting this next part of life is important.

She was SO excited when I asked her to be my MOH. And we left it at that for a few months. Then when I asked her to pick out some ideas she was even excited. But it just seems that recently she has no interest in even trying to be a friend. She doesn't want to talk to me (and NO it's not because I talk wedding all the time! stop assuming that!), I called her to wish her happy birthday and said "I need to go, I'm with my friends." So I'm not sure what's going on. And I don't know the way to handle this which is why I came here for advice, not to be judged.

Thank you.

bablingbrooke

My advice stays: Talk to her.  Ask her what's going on.  Leave the wedding out of it.

"Hey, friend, is everything alright?  It seems like there might be something going on, I feel like we've been a little distant lately.

Repeat: Leave the wedding out of it.

Emmikins

correction on last post, "SHE SAID" that she was with her friends. I did not.

Emmikins

Okay. Going by what I post here - I really don't talk much about my wedding. When people ask about it, I tell them.

I repeat I am not all wedding all the time. Now that we have that post to go by, how am I supposed to talk to her if she doesn't want to talk to me out of the blue?

mbcdefg

If you're 20 months away, then relax on the bridesmaid portion of the planning until about 8 months out.

Then touch base with her again and ask if she can be there that day, and if so, ask her for her input on dresses.

In the meantime, if you want to get a head-start on planning, do it for other things (entertainment, invites, venues, your own dress, etc.). It's fine to want to get things done ahead of time, but once you start involving other people then that's when it gets tricky.

For what it's worth, my two BMs and I selected their dresses over e-mail within an afternoon, and they had them in their hands within a week (we ordered from AnnTaylor.com). So don't feel like you need a ton of time for BM dresses.

But if my best friend were to tell me 20 months out, "I might not make your wedding," then something else is up. Talk to her, don't mention the wedding, and find out what the problem is.

gottahavashorti

Look, all of us in this thread are on this particular board a lot.  A lot of the things that are being advised to you are issues that typically come up when there are posts worded similarly to yours. 

It doesn't mean that it is most definitely true in your case, but we can only base our responses on the information you've given us.  From my point of view, it looks like people are trying to cover their bases for all possible scenarios based on what you've said.

Emmikins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0f4324ca-1d53-43a1-b097-99ce80ba70c6Post:09418413-27cf-4086-8f39-a724e54ca623">Re: MOH Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're 20 months away, then relax on the bridesmaid portion of the planning until about 8 months out. Then touch base with her again and ask if she can be there that day, and if so, ask her for her input on dresses. In the meantime, if you want to get a head-start on planning, do it for other things (entertainment, invites, venues, your own dress, etc.). It's fine to want to get things done ahead of time, but once you start involving other people then that's when it gets tricky. For what it's worth, my two BMs and I selected their dresses over e-mail within an afternoon, and they had them in their hands within a week (we ordered from AnnTaylor.com). So don't feel like you need a ton of time for BM dresses. But if my best friend were to tell me 20 months out, "I might not make your wedding," then something else is up. Talk to her, don't mention the wedding, and find out what the problem is.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the advice, really! I guess I'll try her again to see if she is willing to talk to me and if I can figure out what's going on.

bablingbrooke

I think if you approach it as "I miss you, I hope everything's okay, please call me when you get a chance" you might get a response.  Maybe she's upset about something and needs some space.  Did something happen regarding her birthday?  That would explain the tone of voice.

Or did she simply have other plans on her birthday and couldn't talk to you for very long?  Is there a chance that you're imagining a certain tone?  I know when I have ever had problems with friends I sometimes infer things about conversations that objectively aren't there, I just have that POV and can assume the worst.  

If she's suddenly doing this out of the blue, something's up.  All you can do is let her know you're there, tell her you want to see her, and hope she bites.

Emmikins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0f4324ca-1d53-43a1-b097-99ce80ba70c6Post:29dad0e5-4d91-44a0-a046-2c2face346e5">Re: MOH Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Look, all of us in this thread are on this particular board a lot.  A lot of the things that are being advised to you are issues that typically come up when there are posts worded similarly to yours.  It doesn't mean that it is most definitely true in your case, but we can only base our responses on the information you've given us.  From my point of view, it looks like people are trying to cover their bases for all possible scenarios based on what you've said.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]


I understand that. But a lot of you seem come on a little strong. If you don't mean to be offensive then don't word things so harshly. All I came here for was a bit of advice. You shouldn't assume that I just talked wedding, it should have been asked before dishing the advice "don't bring it up!".

emilyinchile

Chill out. Not in your planning, in your posts. No one has been even remotely rude to you, and people have offered some good general advice that seems to apply based on what you'd told us. We also of course base advice on a situation being similar to another, and in similar situations it's often the case that brides are going overboard on wedding stuff. Good for you for breaking the mold, but that wasn't clear at first. So in terms of wanting advice rather than judgment, I'd say you got what you came for.

If you're totally confident that you're not wearing her out with too much wedding talk, then this is NOT a wedding issue. It's a friend issue. Why is your friend refusing to talk to you on her birthday or telling you that she doesn't care enough to be there on an important day for you? Talk to her, and try to figure it out. You asked what to do if she won't talk to you, but without knowing either of you, I can't say more than just keep trying to get through to her.

Since you read the first post, you will already know that no, there is no polite way for you to make her "just a BM," so I don't really know why you asked. 99% of people on this board stand by that answer, and my response to your initial question is no, you cannot.

emilyinchile

Also, FWIW, I've planned my wedding in under 8 months, with only 1 local BM (the others live in the US, I'm in Chile, and the local one was gone for months) and minimal help from FI. It's fine to gather ideas now, but don't stress about wedding stuff at this point - you have lots of time, and there's no need to make major decisions right away.

Emmikins

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0f4324ca-1d53-43a1-b097-99ce80ba70c6Post:17f7bd66-095d-4846-a8e7-6a7e4f793ee6">Re: MOH Problems</a>:
[QUOTE]Chill out. Not in your planning, in your posts. No one has been even remotely rude to you, and people have offered some good general advice that seems to apply based on what you'd told us. We also of course base advice on a situation being similar to another, and in similar situations it's often the case that brides are going overboard on wedding stuff. Good for you for breaking the mold, but that wasn't clear at first. So in terms of wanting advice rather than judgment, I'd say you got what you came for. If you're totally confident that you're not wearing her out with too much wedding talk, then this is NOT a wedding issue. It's a friend issue. Why is your friend refusing to talk to you on her birthday or telling you that she doesn't care enough to be there on an important day for you? Talk to her, and try to figure it out. Since you read the first post, you will already know that no, there is no polite way for you to make her "just a BM," so I don't really know why you asked. 99% of people on this board stand by that answer, and my response to your initial question is no, you cannot.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Its not that I was taking offense. I was trying to clear things up. People here come on stronger than expected, and it was one after another. So I made my point and repeated it as many times as needed to get the point across.

The advice is great. I'm not saying that it's not. People are asking questions about the situation, I'm answering them. And its becoming more and more of a mess in my brain.

I didn't mean to seem "unchill" or whatever.

And I guess by asking that question I was warranting responses like that, but to me it's not a big deal. A close friend of mine booted me off her bridal party and it didn't hurt my feelings. So I just come from a different view point.

gottahavashorti

No one has been harsh.  Take a step back and go through the thread again when it's not so fresh in your mind.  If a particular piece of advice isn't relevant to your situation, just skim over it.  It's also pretty rare for people to actually read that first post on the page or think that it applies to their situation, so props to you for reading it.

Emilyinchile's most recent post is right on.

MyNameIsNot

You came here saying that 1) she would not show any interest in your wedding, 2) she won't look at BM dresses, and 3) you want to kick her out because of that.  You got a lot of good advice regarding that.

I think you are feeling a little attacked right now, because so many people told you something you don't want to hear.  I think you need to go do something else and forget about it, and come back to this post later.  Re-read what you wrote, and read the responses to that.  I think it will make more sense to you when you aren't upset about it. 

splint00

Clearly this girl is not your best friend. If she were, you would not be having these issues with her. My best friend of 22 years (since age 10) and I are each others MOH and getting married 3 months apart. It may sound like the makings of another Bride Wars but we couldn't be happier for each other and want the best day for each other. I tear up every time I think about how unique our friendship is and how blessed I am every decade that goes by.  And I do feel bad about your situation. Is there any reason she would not want you to marry this guy? I mean, something is setting her off, this is not normal best friend behavior. Like mostly everyone on here, I would say talk to her about it. Offer to take her to lunch, just the two of you and ask questions about what's going on with her life before you dive into this discussion. Good luck!